What the f**k do we do now?

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Been with DH 10 years, DSS 11. Happy adjusted boy, loves spending times with us. Very stable house, good jobs, own home, comfortable life, very social + sport oriented.
DH's ex, chaotic, messy life, many rental moves, multiple partners, court cases with ex's (business related), domestic violence with her parents.
All that aside, had as good as could be expected relationship with DSS's mum. Celebrated occasions together for the sake of DSS.
Agreed 6 months ago for month long holiday with DSS. All parties happy, agreed etc.
all of a sudden DSS, refusing to come to see us. (Blaming fear of flying, doesn't want to discuss holiday in 6 weeks)
At the same time DSS's mother proclaimed she had serious heath scare and needs us to prove we can be a real family to DSS if anything was to happen to her(To us, not to DC)
Now DSS is refusing to see us at agreed times, saying he hates his DD, hates us both that his DD has never been a dad to him and wants nothing to do with him.
DH is lost, I can't speak to DSS'a mum without a torrent of abuse. What the F**k do we do now?

Your husband needs to go go there and stay there and be there to find out what’s happening

Not you , him ( I don’t mean that unkindly but it’s his blood)?

Something has happened
My guess is maybe his mum is sick and he doesn’t want to leave her ?

But his dad needs to step in and now and fast and support them

Seen your update.

Your DH needs to book some time off work and get on a plane.

He needs to be the one to go as assuming he's on the birth certificate, he has PR and so the school/DRs etc will talk to him, but won't with you.

(As an aside, renters in the UK market have very few rights so moving regularly is very common, it seems odd coming from a European mindset where it's normal to rent a place for 10 years +, but here, having to move yearly is perfectly normal if renting).

They live 30 minutes up the road, so no flights involved. It's our weekend to have DSS, but he is adamant he's not coming. DH is going to school to pick him up regardless, he needs to talk to DSS directly. We were all due to talk about what's happening but DSS's cancelled, preferring to. Shout at us over the phone instead !

I turned into the teenager from hell when I was being bullied at school. I also developed fears of things. Things unrelated, heights and flying.

I personally think, just from my experience, the bullying could well explain everything.

Poor kid.

It's completely heart breaking, it's gone from having a great well adjusted boy who clearly loves us. Being social with our friends. Getting so excited about his holiday, planning for it with us etc. To these last few weeks refusing to come, or crying to go back to his mum's after 1 night. Won't talk or explain what's wrong. Attention seeking behaviour around DH. His mother admins some of what she has exposed him to has caused him anxiety. But he seems to be kicking out at us, not her.

OP, All you are talking about is you... your feelings...towards him...towards the mother....how many houses / partners she has had

You don't 'know' her health scare was anything other than real, and to imply it is fake, says more about YOU than it does about her.

My god, when I had cancer, I told 3 people IRL. Everyone else thought I was drama queening a bad cold. Why the fuck should I explain my life to pple who are quick to judge? Why should she?

it is hard to be that dislikeful of someone (as you obviously are towards the mother) without it shining out... you may think you are not showing it towards the child, but I guarantee that you are, even if you don't mean to. No one can with hold that level of fake for ten years

I am sure you will realise this child, has gone through some recent trauma and is lashing out...it is not about YOU. He is scared.

From what you have said, he is scared shitless about something happening to his mum. Your husband needs to get his arse round there an see the real situation and find out what is occurring and act accordingly.

Fuck the holiday, this situation is far more important

@AiryFairyUnicornRainbow I don't think at any point has my concern been for me. But it has been for my DH and DSS.

His mother admins some of what she has exposed him to has caused him anxiety. But he seems to be kicking out at us, not her.

that's what she'll have you believe.. I suspect he'll be lashing out at home too.... until you see him yourself I would reserve judgement on anything Mum says...

Kids kick out at the safe person.

If kids don't feel safe of the consequences or feel they can't predict the consequences (of for example an abusive or unstable parent) they don't feel safe lashing out but if they know no matter how difficult they are they are safe and loved then they feel safe to lash out.

That's not always true obviously and I'm not saying that's what's happening here but if it is then it means he feels safe with you.

He refused to come this weekend. DH picked him up from school and had a chat. He's angry at DH for 'leaving him', angry at me for 'stealing him' angry that his mum doesn't have what we have. He doesn't want a relationship with us anymore.

He refused to come this weekend. DH picked him up from school and had a chat. He's angry at DH for 'leaving him', angry at me for 'stealing him' angry that his mum doesn't have what we have. He doesn't want a relationship with us anymore.

this is interesting OP..... these are not the natural expressions of a Child.. these sound more like the rants of an angry woman exercising her bitterness within earshot of her DS... is what his sounds like to me... I'm sorry for you all

He's angry at DH for 'leaving him', angry at me for 'stealing him' angry that his mum doesn't have what we have. He doesn't want a relationship with us anymore

He's parroting what his mother has said.

I don't know what the answer is, but this poor boy is being used as an emotional punching bag and dumping ground by his very manipulate mother.

Hi OP,
I haven’t read through your thread but wanted to add that something very similar happened with my DSD. She loved to spend time with us, and her brother and sister (full siblings). Her dad and I worked full time, her mum had a chaotic lifestyle with multiple new partners. She suddenly refused to visit us and when she did she would cry, almost to hysteria, that she wanted to go back to her mum. It turned out that she had witnessed DV with mum and new bf

@1CantPickAName - I suspect it might be something like this. She has a physical altercation with her parents in front of DSS.
Part of me thinks she never wanted DSS to come on holiday and this is an elaborate plan for him not come and for the blame not to be hers !!! Sad I know ....

How are you doing OP.. have you managed to get any response from Mum or DSS....

DH has been to see DSS a couple of times, he's not really interested in talking. He is going to pick him up tomorrow and take him out. The abuse from his mum got worse, she is basically calling me everything under the sun and blaming me for everything (apparently I bully/abuse her son) lots of threats if we still go away. Apparently, if DH goes away with me DSS will wish him dead. It's horrific. DSS's mother has kept him off school and will do so for the foreseeable future

Something is awry in a very major way

I think your DH needs to pretty much hang out with him till vet gets clarity

Why off school ??? Can you use that angle to get some help

So sorry . Poor lad

Yes it's a complete mess. It's gone great happy relaxed relationship to complete hell. He won't even come to the house (even if I go out) DH said it feels like supervised access, he's going to see him for a bit today. It's so sad.

We had a similar situation with DSS when he was about 13. Too old to change his mind when it was made up. He too told his Mum I was mean. Absolutely no truth in what he said. He started coming again when he was 17 and is very very lovely and makes a big show of wanting to see us all.
DH saw him a bit in between 13 and 17.
Still no clue what triggered it. Certainly the first time he didn't come was due to some significant pressure my ILs (his grandparents) put him under on his last visit to us and scared the life out of him (MIL is extremely cold and scary) - we were aware and DH fell out with them over it. But two weeks later instead of blaming the GPs he blamed me (I believe he was too scared to criticise them) and we got unpleasant letters from his mum. We'd just bought a bigger house so he had a room that was always his. But it was four years and loads of different ways tried to fix it.
I know it's obvious but there's something you don't know here. I hope you can fix it quicker than we did.