To ask if you let your partner know what time you’ll be home?

[autumnnightsaredrawingin]

AIBU to ask, do you let your partner know what time you’ll be home in the evening and vice versa? And if you’ve said a certain time, and are then going to be later (or earlier) if you text/call to let them know?

Not if it's when DH would normally expect me, but if it's out of normal getting home time then I would.

How else would anyone know whether to cook for themselves or others, whether something was wrong, or who was going to do any of the home tasks that might fall on a particular night?

What ‘home tasks’?

Yes we always do. It’d feel odd not to!

Yes if it is important to be back at a certain time/the other person will worry if we are not back at a certain time etc. But generally no.

I work from home so I'm always here. Dp sometimes phones me on his way home or when he's finished and sometimes just turns up.

Yes. And I have spent 15 years asking DH to reciprocate. He is only just starting to understand why, when I said I was no longer going to be cooking for him in the evening when I had no idea if he would be here to eat it or not.

Yes- mostly to coordinate daycare pick-up and necessary evening tasks like dinner for DD, dinner for us. And it’s just basic courtesy to let each other know that you’ve, for example, gone to the gym and not been run over! That said it’s in an FYI sense, never in a controlling/asking for permission sort of way.

Normal work day - yes.
Out on the piss - no.
Same for both of us.

If it’s more than 20-30mins than usual time we do, I would worry and I he would too if either was unusually late. I might not if I was early! Just because I would assume he wouldn’t be home! Though I might to boast. If it was a night out we would be more likely to say, I’ll be home latest x time and then if that was to change significantly again we would let the other know but we wouldn’t get mad or make a big deal, but that’s because neither of us go out that much, so it’s a treat when one of us does!
That’s normal courtesy imo.

Only if I was going to be unusually late and/or not in for our evening meal.

Not on nights out but we do on way home from work

If on the way home from work, I’d only message if I was going to be getting home later than usual.
If I was out somewhere without DH I’d probably have given a rough idea of when I thought I’d be back but would text/phone if plans changed. I’d most likely send a text to say “I’m on the bus” or whatever too.

Thanks. I ask because my ‘D’H regularly doesn’t bother letting me know, or says he’ll be home at x time and then shows up much later. Particularly annoying tonight as DC are on half term, DH said he’d be home at 8, so I let my 5 year old stay up as a special treat to see him (normally asleep when DH gets home) and I’ve just called as he’s still not home. ‘Oh sorry I’ll be home at 9.00 ish’ was his reply.

Yes, manners. Though if I'm going out for an evening I may just say "I'll be late". Simply because once dh has gone to bed, 2 o'clock in the morning or 3 o'clock in the morning won't make any difference to him. But under the circumstances you describe it does make a difference and I would find that very rude. Take the same stance with my 18yo son: I want to know if he is going to come home that same evening or the next day, as that is all I need to know (is the person wandering around the kitchen at 3 o'clocl in the morning a burglar or not), but if I wanted him for something, then I would expect him to tell me and stick to it.

Yes, definitely. We have 2 dc and there’s a lot of logistics involved in our evenings so it’s respectful to let whoever is home know when you’ll be home. We don’t necessarily every day as we have usual times we get home, but if it was to deviate from that by more than maybe 30-45 ish minutes, yes. On like a night out or something (which are rare!), we stay with friends so no not necessarily (as we aren’t coming ‘home’).

Yep both of us do, wouldn’t call/text if we were gonna be home earlier though

Yes, because either way you'll want to know things like should you wait up for them or not.

I do if it's around evening time as affects dinner and stuff with the kids.

We don't if we're on a night out drinking with friends and planning on returning after the other is in bed - if it's 11pm or 3am it doesn't make much difference to the other person and we don't wait up anyway

Yes, although I don't go out in the evenings, not my thing at all.- OH goes out very rarely- sometimes work social occasions.
We have an 18 yo and a 20 yo- they will always give us approx times that they will be home too, or will text if they decide not to come home and stay over with a friend.

It's simply being polite.

Yes I do in most situations.

It is just basic courtesy. I would call if I was going to be a lot later than I said I would. I wouldn't mention a time if I was going shopping or anything like that though.

No, never. I'm always home at the same time on a work day. If I'm going to be later after work, I'll say in advance.

We both do day to day but if either of us is on a very rare evening out, we don't.

Yes so he can have dinner on the table when I get home (that's actually true because he times it like that out of his choice!)

I only tell him so he can put the heating on for me. I don't go out much on my own.

DH leaves work at roughly the same time every day, and he sends me a text when he leaves. He always has, especially since DC (so I know I've only got X minutes on my own if they're driving me crazy!).

He also texts when he gets there in the morning, which is important to me because he cycles on horrible busy roads and I do worry about him.