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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Gender disappointment

58 replies

mumofhreegirls · 24/10/2018 18:31

I know this is a very real thing and I've been lucky not to experience it. I absolutely adore having 3 daughters. However, my partner is seriously grieving for not having a boy.

It's never been any secret that he'd love a boy, with every pregnancy he hoped and prayed for a boy yet we got girls. It has always bothered him.

His sister has just found out she's expecting her first baby and low and behold it's a boy. He's so jealous, has had a face on him for a few days since she found out and it's obvious it's about that. The way he speaks to our girls sometimes it's like he resents them for not being boys. He hates that they like girly things. He never, ever, ever wants to play with them because they're all into barbie like dolls at the moment and he can't bear it.

I know he's being unreasonable and it's absolutely driving me insane. Has anyone else or their partners experienced anything of the same and please tell me it passes?

OP posts:

AlphaBravo · 24/10/2018 18:37

Sometimes it doesn't pass. Sorry to be blunt. I know of women in their 30's who still have poor relationships with their fathers because of it. But equally I know of some guys who's Dad or Mum really wanted a daughter 🤷🏼‍♀️

One of our cousins had 3 girls. The look on her husband's face was caught in slow motion when someone filmed the gender reveal for the 3rd. He was (irrationally) devastated and has sadly shown little interest in his 3rd daughter as a result.

Are you planning on having any more or '3 and done'?

Original poster

mumofhreegirls · 24/10/2018 18:41

Oh no! Thank you for your honesty.
No three is enough for us but I've even said if he wants a son he's going to have to go elsewhere because I can't give him one!

OP posts:

Moominfan · 24/10/2018 18:46

I'm one of 4 girls. No secret my mum wanted boys! Now finally has a boy in the family and it's her grandchild :)

TiittyGolightly · 24/10/2018 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ProfessorMoody · 24/10/2018 18:48

Sorry OP, I think this is awful. He won't play with his children because they don't have penises? Deal breaker for me.

Biancadelriosback · 24/10/2018 18:48

I won't lie, I really wanted a girl. All throughout my pregnancy I told myself I was having a boy so I wouldn't be disappointed. I know it's awful. We didn't find out before hand so when they handed him to me and I saw he was a boy I did feel a pang of disappointment. However he was whisked away from me and straight to SCBU and on CPAP and tube fed for a few weeks, I felt so incredibly guilty for feeling disappointed about his sex. I adore my son more than anything, genuinely I couldn't imagine my life without him and if I was given the chance of going back and picking to have a girl I would say no. He is perfect as he is. I'll never forgive myself for feeling how I felt.

Gender disappointment is an awful feeling, so much guilt! Hopefully your DH will realise how precious his girls are. How old are they? Are they all still very young?

Rebecca36 · 24/10/2018 18:51

I think it will pass. He wouldn't swap your three girls for a boy, would he? In time he'll just be glad to have children. Remind him that there are many people who can't even have one child, never mind three!

The idea of him being jealous, however, is horrible. Jealousy is an ugly emotion, it eats away and makes the jealous person unattractive. In this instance it is totally unwarranted so I'd step on that hard.

jaseyraex · 24/10/2018 18:51

My husband hoped for a girl with all my pregnancies, he always wanted a daddy's girl. We've had 3 boys. If he behaved the way you've described then I honestly think I'd leave him. Not wanting to play with his children because they're girls, that's horrible! Sorry OP.

MicroManaged · 24/10/2018 18:56

Exactly the same as the pp...dh would have loved to have had a girl and we have 3 boys.

He dealt with it like a grown up. If he was moping and scowling and ignoring our ds’s I’d LTB.

DinoMamasaurus · 24/10/2018 18:57

Oh dear, that is hard and i’m sure you feel upset on your girl’s behalf when he’s like it. I think he probably needs to confront how he’s feeling and try and release/let it go a bit. Ultimately his children aren’t just three little girls they are three individuals and he should be making an effort to find things to bond with them on. No one can compete with a hypothetical child - they are always the easiest to parent! But being realistic you could have had a son that wasn’t into in any of things your partner might think they would love and equally your girls could grow up to be the best footy/rugby/gamer/whatever nuts and anyway a real parent child relationship with the love and adoration they will have for him is going to matter more than their gender.

Also the fact that he’s getting a nephew means he will (hopefully) have a significant role in a boy childhood and if there are things your girls just don’t want to do with him then maybe he can indulge with his nephew.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 24/10/2018 18:57

I would have very little patience with this I'm afraid. He is not "grieving"- to compare having a face on you because you didn't get something you wanted to the agony of grief is just wrong. Disappointment is a normal part of life, not an illness and it's something you can will yourself to overcome. His daughtersters didn't ask to be born, he agreed to have them knowing full well there was a 50/50 chance they would be girls. His refusing to play with them because they're girls is pathetic and he needs to know that it could be damaging in the long term.

My DH was raised by parents who made it blatantly obvious that they were disappointed he wasn't a girl. Nothing he did was good enough. They got their girl eventually and he was completely sidelined. Still is, actually. He pretends not to care but I see the pain it causes him and the distance it has put between him and the rest of his family.

In your position I would be telling him in no uncertain terms that he needs to find a way to move past this before he destroys his relationship with his lovely Daughters.

pumpkinpie01 · 24/10/2018 19:02

Oh that’s awful that he doesn’t play with them , we don’t always get what we want in life he’s an adult he needs to accept he has 3 healthy children and enjoy them. My son was desperate for a son they found out both times it was a girl he was so disappointed at the gender scan but he got over it pretty quickly and adores them.

TedAndLola · 24/10/2018 19:02

I'm much more sympathetic towards gender disappointment than most people on MN but I have no sympathy for your partner. Wanting a boy is fine, but taking out his disappointment on his daughters? Fucking awful.

I'd insist he gets some help with this issue before it damages your girls.

cheesefield · 24/10/2018 19:03

How would he feel if he had a son that turned out to be gay?

He needs to look a what he believes having a boy to mean.

DC2018 · 24/10/2018 19:04

My Dad was the exact same and I tried so hard to be a Tom boy just to please him but it was never enough. I don't have a relationship with him at all and haven't done since i was about 12. He was always very aloof with me and my sister and took a keen interest in his friends son who he spoilt with moneys a

DC2018 · 24/10/2018 19:06

*money and time. I used to be really resentful and wouldn't wish it on anyone. You need to speak to your DH and nip it in the bud now before it affects your DDs wellbeing. They shouldn't feel like a disappointment.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 24/10/2018 19:07

He won't play with his children because they are girls. Sorry but that's disgraceful.

He does know that it's the sperm that determines the sex doesn't he?

Aprilislonggone · 24/10/2018 19:09

It isn't actually you that would give him a boy anyway - remember his sperm decides!!
Remind him of that!!
And my dd's love what would be classed (?) as boys stuff!!
*and I hate bloody Barbie also!
Buy him a male dog and send him out on long walks. Enjoy your dd's at home and the peace!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 24/10/2018 19:22

Hopefully your DH will realise how precious his girls are. What Bianca said. He might be a terrific uncle to his nephew but if he is emotionally distant to his own children what problems will he cause them in later life?
Sorry OP my heart hurts for your daughters.

Gizzygizmo · 24/10/2018 19:44

Gender disappointment is so hard.
I have 4 boys and when I was pregnant with my 4th I was so desperate for a girl, my stomach was in knots before my scan.
When they told me I was having a boy I walked out and cried all the way home, I feel absolutely terrible now he is 10 months old and I wouldn’t change him for the world.
I still see little girls and feel a little gutted I will never have a girl, I’ve been steralized now so it’s for sure a no no.

Ragaroo · 24/10/2018 19:59

I was just going to say what BlaaBlaa said... sperm determines the gender of a baby. My friends husband had two sons before marrying her, and they've had another 2 boys together. Probably coincidence, but defo not something that should be taken out on the wife and kids. I would suggest counselling if he is being really difficult to live with. Maybe an external party would help convince him how lucky he is to have children full stop.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 24/10/2018 20:06

Gender disappointment is so hard

I'd be willing to bet that being the object of your parents disappointment is harder.

SuperSuperSuper · 24/10/2018 20:35

What nonsense. We've all been disappointed by something. We've all got over it.

He needs to pull himself together and start parenting his children.

Lollypop701 · 24/10/2018 20:39

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery
I agree

0gfhty · 24/10/2018 20:54

Maybe he just needs some help changing his perspective on what being a girl is. You’re girls are into girly things and for some people it can be a bit of a bore to join in with that. But if he spent some time maybe they could be coaxed into enjoying a similar interest to his male stereotype.

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