When splitting with DP, did you ever worry about this? ***trigger warning***

[roomdivider]

I don't know whether/where to ask this but here goes.

DP and I are in the throes of a not very amicable breakup. Not acrimonious, but not amicable.

DP is a very gentle person. He's also very passive and has depended on me for many things during our relationship. Our breaking up will mean a lot of changes for him, many of which he won't welcome.

With no specific reason to fear this at all, I find myself worrying that (sorry to say this) he's going to harm the children. I'm not sure whether this is a normal fear? Or whether it's anxiety talking and I should talk to a HCP? Or whether I really should be careful and my instincts are telling me something? Surely not though.

DP is the kind of man who, if we have an argument and he gets really cross, he'll leave the house and go for a walk around the block to calm down. He's not confrontational at all and has never been violent.

I'm a bit scared to talk to my GP about it in case it escalates and she feels like she has to report it or something. Nothing in DP's character or history would give any kind of hint or clue that he would harm even a fly.

In our town in the past two weeks two families have been murdered by the father/husband. Perhaps that's what has put it into my mind.

If two local families have been murdered recently no wonder it’s in your mind! That’s bloody awful.
I would say that your worries are more rooted in these events than anything your ex has ever done.?

Yes it crosses my mind, I think you read about it (and the stories stick in your mind because they're so appalling) so it's natural to think "could this happen to me". However realistically it is rare, hundreds of couples probably break up every day and it only gets headlines when men do these horrible things because it isn't common. Also the men who do it generally have long histories of violence and abuse. Our brains are just overprotective, especially of our children.

Considering that according to you, your DP has never given any indication that he might be prone to violence, I think you're just reacting to the awful news about those two families being murdered. Totally understandable, but such things very rarely happen, hence why it's such big news when it does happen.

OP - I completely understand why you'd be concerned about your children in a not very nice breakup, but other than the concerning stories in the news, can you tell us anything about why you are concerned that DP specifically could do something terrible? Is it due to historical behaviour/something he's said/something he's done?

It's not necessarily violent men who do these awful acts though. It's narcissistic, selfish abusers too.

Your mind and instincts are telling you to be wary. It's ok to listen to that. Better safe and paranoid than not.

Speak to someone about your worries. Encourage therapy if he will listen. Read up on the psychosis of these murderers and use that to reassure yourself. If your ex fits the profile, you can intervene.

Yes I did. I realistically knew they were perfectly safe with their dad but I still had anxiety surrounding him either harming or kidnapping them.

I don’t know the name of the book but when we were about ten/eleven we read a book in school about a Father that kidnapped his DC. He had his access, took them abroad and didn’t return them. That book always run through my mind.

We have been separated coming up to four years now so the thoughts have thankfully disappeared.

@chocolatebox1 he's never said/done anything that would suggest it at all.

I think part of what scares me is that he just seems to be responding so irrationally to our breakup. I think this is probably pretty normal, but basically he blames me for everything that hasn't gone right in his life and that he has/hasn't done. It's my fault he hasn't done X thing he wanted to do, it's my fault he feels Y because I haven't been supportive enough of him, etc etc.

I find this person so hard to recognise and, while there have never been any signs of overtly controlling behaviour or of violence or anything like that, I think that DP's behaviour is, well, not exactly in touch with reality. It's like he's ceded all control over his life to me, which is very convenient of course because then it's all my fault.

Until your last post I thought it was just the awful local murders playing on your mind but actually he does sound like he’s behaving erratically so I’m not sure having your guard up at least is a unreasonable reaction here. That’s not to say he’s likely to do anything but it’s no wonder your instincts are prickling.

Are you living separately already or just in the process? Will he be (or is he already) in a position to have the DC alone where he will be living?

I'd say trust your instincts. My exdh has done similar. He's not about to murder the dc but what has happened is that as we're now in two separate houses, I'm not in-between him and the kids anymore to act as a barrier. So when they're at his they get the full-force of his narc personality & verbal abuse. They often come home upset and it can take them hours to calm back into themselves. I've been in contact with SS and they deem my ex's behaviour 'atrocious' and 'right up to the line' but not over it. So it's allowed to continue. All I can do is be here to support my kids. It's heartbreaking but he is their father.

I agree with Hidingtonothing. It's not panic time, but it doesn't hurt to keep your eyes open, either.

If your anxiety about this is negatively affecting your day to day life (or the children's) that may be something you want to deal with so you can see this calmly. But just because you deal with the anxiety that doesn't mean you don't keep an eye on things. In fact, it actually may help you to differentiate between him just shooting his mouth off randomly blaming you for things that are his own fault and a statement that may be a real cause for concern.

@hidingtonothing it's so hard to know, isn't it? On the one hand we know that we've evolved to be (over)protective of our children, on the other we have this fucking awful society where it actually benefits all men, even the gentlest and most loving, to have a culture of male violence against women and children because the bullshit narrative is that something might happen to make a man 'snap'

DP is a very loving and caring father and, although frankly he's been a cock to me lately, he's nonetheless caring (going to do my shopping when I was ill, for example).

We are in the process of splitting. As I say he is very dependent on me in a lot of ways - today I was talking to a good friend of mine who knows us both and she urged me to stop paying one of his bills for him and to tell him to sort it out himself. Not as a 'fuck you' but as a way of pushing him to take more responsibility for himself (rather than just blaming me for everything). And the thing is that I'm scared of what he might do if he feels desperate enough. When I put all the facts on the table I see NO signs in his character or past behaviour that he might do anything bad, but I'm still worried.

I worried that he would hurt himself. He rarely threatened suicide outright but would emphasise how depressed he was and how he had nothing to live for.

I kept repeating to myself that I wasn't responsible for his actions and continued to ignore the emotional blackmail (while dying inside of guilt).

A few years on and he seems to be doing fine.

It doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about and maybe this fear is a manifestation of your worry about the impact of the break-up on the children? Just continue to get through each day and it will get better.

I'm sorry I don't understand your concerns. He's totally loving and placid and not violent and the worst he's done after an argument is take A walk round the block?

If I was a HCP or a social worker and you reported this as a concern I would be flummoxed as to understand exactly what the risk was?

I wouldn't be able to see the concern. I would think that you maybe had high levels of anxiety? because it does kind of sound a tiny bit irrational? .

@roomdivider I understand what you're getting at in that you're thinking woah, who is this person?!! I think breakups can have that affect on people and make them seem out of character, but I would have said he's more likely to neglect himself or behave in ways which you'd expect of an upset person. I can't say what will happen as I've never met the guy, but if I were in your situation I'd be more concerned that perhaps he would be a bit hopeless eg not feeding dc properly, rather than actually dangerous. I'm not sure it's advisable to inform people in positions of responsibility that you think he could be a danger, i don't think they'd see it that way anyway. In my view I think you need to be looking out more for signs of neglect or that dc are being inadequately cared for as opposed to anything more sinister. I'm sorry that you're going through all this and I know it must be a very stressful time, don't forget to take care of yourself and relax or do nice things when you get the time or opportunities to

I'm not sure it's advisable to inform people in positions of responsibility that you think he could be a danger

No I agree 100%, I meant more whether I should avoid discussing it as something that I was worried about simply because they might think they had to act on it/be forced to act on it! I don't, rationally, think he could be a danger. But I have this fear, and it's been bothering me, and I was wondering whether it was normal. The responses here have been very reassuring

@roomdivider sorry if I misunderstood you at the beginning about that. If you do express concerns to people, I think the best thing to say would be along the lines of "he seems a bit out of character, I suppose the breakup has really thrown him." That way you're letting people know that he's not acting normally, so if anyone else notices anything odd/of concern, they'll put two and two together and let you know.

OP, I've never been in this position, and maybe it is these incidents that have triggered your thoughts.

I am more aware of this because a man who i went to school with did this, he was how you describe your dp.
Nobody thought in a million years he would do it, he was so placid and avoided confrontation. He drove the dc to Wales and put the exhaust in the car, killing 3 dc and himself.
He was a nice lad from a lovely background and I was so shocked reading about it. There were no signs at all.

I'm not suggesting that your dp will do anything like this, but it does happen and you are right to consider it, in view of events in your area.

Personally I would share your concerns with your gp, and stress you think it may just be anxiety due to recent fathers in your area.
They will know what to say to you, and advice.

OP diary your DP’s behaviour and anything out of the ordinary he says. You may get a clearer picture and it’s useful to show others.
The passive aggressive types who harm their children often do so out of spite — they justify it to themselves by saying it’s the mother’s fault, that she is to blame and she deserves to lose the children.
Nine times out of 10 the father simultaneously commits suicide — is your partner showing signs of depression ie it’s normal to be depressed in the circumstances but is he able to make plans at all for the future or will life just stop for him when you separate?
Be very wary until things settle down and do not feel you are being unreasonable.

On the surface, it doesn't sound as though he would do anything to harm the DC, but your subsequent posts have suggested to me that it isn't just the news reports that are playing on your mind.

All sorts of people can do unspeakable things. My DM didn't pick up on the fact that our father (her DH) was sexually abusing DSis and me. Now that she knows, she's absolutely in pieces about it and feeling like she's completely to blame.

So it wouldn't be right for any of us to say your instincts are wrong. I agree with the suggestion of keeping a diary of his behaviour. That will help you to see if there really is cause for concern.

For you, OP 

I meant to post the flowers emoji there. 

I had similar concerns, nothing I could put my finger on but a sense of unease that he wouldn't look after them properly or would jeopardise their safety for his own needs. It's hard to verbalise it properly and I never told anyone. Anyway 2 years down the line and I realise that he is much more capable of looking after them than I realised and those concerns disappeared ages ago.

Yes, I had those fears, and so did my health visitor as ex fitted the profile- controlling, rages, always believing himself to be a victim and refusing to accept that I had the right to end the relationship. Trust your instincts and maintain control of the situation.

Isn’t it pretty normal to blame the other person for a time when divorcing? I would also be more worried he’ll slightly neglect them. A man that takes himself off when angry has pretty good control i’d say.

Missymay, I assume you had your concerns because your ex was clearly abusive. This is not the case with OP

cant say ive ever felt this, and despite what people say on here i dont think its normal.