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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that he's in pain?

26 replies

Siestapesta · 24/10/2018 14:44

On the face of it this must sound v unreasonable.
DH has had a health concern for 2 years. Whilst pregnant with DC2 I begged him to get it sorted before baby came along as it was beginning to affect his mood/ tiredness etc.
He didn't.
Baby is 6 months old and is very high needs. I'm BF and he has reflux/allergies etc which keep him awake at night. I feel awful.
Since his birth DH's health issue has become unmanageable and he eventually went to see a doctor after I forced him. It has become so bad through being left all this time that hes on the waiting list for an operation.😓
It is worse at night so since DC2s birth he has slept in the spare room claiming to be in "too much pain" to help me with the screaming and settling etc. He said he can't even hold him as it's too uncomfortable for him. He does get up with DC1 during the night who wakes 2-3 times for a drink/toilet/cuddle but he gets more sleep on the whole.
I'm so angry that it has got to this and he hasn't been able to help at all with DC2 during the night, it's lonely on my own. I am furious that he didn't get this sorted out months/years ago.
AIBU?

OP posts:
apostropheuse · 24/10/2018 14:48

Yes YABU. I hope your DH doesn't have to wait too long for his surgery.

TroysMammy · 24/10/2018 14:52

My bil has a hernia which he should have had an operation for. "I'll get it done once the baby is born" he told my sister. The baby is now 8 years old! My sister doesn't mention it anymore she says he's an adult and if it strangulates it's not her fault.

BarbarianMum · 24/10/2018 14:54

Yeah a bit. You both chose to go ahead and have dc2 when you knew he hadnt got it sorted and now here you are. Andc it does sound like he's helping where he can. Sucks for you though Flowers

RivanQueen · 24/10/2018 14:56

No YANBU, your DH should have acted like a grown up and gotten his health concern dealt with before your DC2 came along. He had time to do it then but instead he waited until it was unmanageable and was effecting the family. Had it been seen to earlier he may not have needed an operation.

MumW · 24/10/2018 14:59

On the face of it, YABU, however, given that your DH refused to get sorted before DC2 came along, I fully understand where you are coming from and YANBcompletelyU to feel like this.

You sound as though you are at breaking point. Is there anyone else who DM, perhaps, who would come over and help so you can catch up on your sleep?

Not knowing your DHs exact position, it's difficult to judge but do you feel he is milking his illness/injury and could do more?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 24/10/2018 15:01

I'm not sure what you are expecting him to do? Some people just really do not like to make a fuss, hence not getting it solved earlier. Yes it is shit that he cannot help much with the baby and hopefully he wont be on the list for too long.

However, being cross with him and pissed off is not going to change that and from what you say he is up 2/3 times in the night with DC1 so its not like he is expecting you to do everything?

Original poster
Siestapesta · 24/10/2018 15:01

It's affected the family hugely.
After suffering PND after DC1, the one thing I asked of him when pregnant was "please look after you and get plenty of sleep." So that I had one less thing to worry about and so only one of us was tired. I asked him this directly so many times.

He only revealed the full extent of the problem when I was pregnant so the whole "you shouldn't have gotten pregnant" thing doesnt stand. Plus, its an anal fissure. Who doesnt get pregnant because of an anal fissure?
The fissure is now a gaping hole in his rectum that requires surgery.

OP posts:
HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 24/10/2018 15:06

Plus, its an anal fissure.

In light of this I think your being even more unreasonable. Most Anal Fissures do not require treatment and heal in just a few weeks so I can see why he didn't think it was necessary to visit the GP.

Blanchedupetitpois · 24/10/2018 15:11

YANBU - he should have considered the toll being ill would take on his family and sought treatment sooner. He could have healed by now and be helping - or treatment could have prevented him from needing surgery in the first place. He has been inconsiderate.

BarbarianMum · 24/10/2018 15:14

I suffer from abal fissures and have basically been bleeding down there for 10 years. It was only a couple of months ago that I've been referred onwards so he must be really bad.

Cheby · 24/10/2018 15:15

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone yes but surely after it hadn’t heeled itself in a few weeks he should have gone? I had an ex with one of these. He needed surgery. By leaving it and not seeking medical attention OP’s DH has put himself through unnecessary pain and is asking his wife to pick up the strain of family responsibility because of his inaction.

MrsVietor · 24/10/2018 15:16

He is taking the piss though. If it's too uncomfortable to hold his crying child, he needs to find a comfortable position and do it. It sounds miserable but he needs to keep living his life and being a parent.

Cheby · 24/10/2018 15:17

Oh and when he does have surgery OP will now be dealing with 2 kids and looking after him. Again because he didn’t get it sorted when he should have.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 24/10/2018 15:22

yes but surely after it hadn’t heeled itself in a few weeks he should have gone?

Maybe he should have gone yes or maybe they fissure healed and is reoccurring? Nevertheless I don't think it is fair to berate him for not going when the treatments they would have most likely suggested is all stuff he could have done at home.

Rudgie47 · 24/10/2018 15:31

Sounds like an arsehole really, literally.

RoboticMary · 24/10/2018 15:32

I don’t think YABU, OP. Part of being a parent is keeping yourself fit and well, and sorting out these problems in good time - otherwise how you you take care of your DC? It doesn’t sound as though he’s abdicated all responsibility though, and it’s good that he gets up in the night with DC1. If he’s doing his best, I’m not sure what more you can ask of him. I agree that he should have got it sorted at an earlier stage though.

Lunde · 24/10/2018 15:46

Why does an anal fissure stop him holding his baby?

After I had a catastrophic delivery with DD1 who was a very difficult baby DH suffered a herniated disc and was in terrible pain but he still took turns in holding her on the sofa and sent me off to sleep for a few hours

Original poster
Siestapesta · 24/10/2018 15:48

No. Not recurring. The same fissure for 2 years. Ive also had them in the past and managed to heal them through diet management and cream after SEEING A DOCTOR.

DH has not managed it as he had believed for 2 years that hes had a bad case of piles through sitting down too much. So he has never been able to treat it as he's diagnosed himself with something different.

I believe he has a duty of care to his family to take care of himself, something I have repeatedly asked him to do and has become a burden for me as he doesnt.

OP posts:
ThirdChildFourthPile · 24/10/2018 15:48

YANBU.
He was irresponsible for his health and now you're all paying for it.

Original poster
Siestapesta · 24/10/2018 15:50

Good point. An episiotimy x2 never stopped me holding the baby...

He says it hurts too much to sit down so can't hold the baby without fidgeting and waking him.

OP posts:
Fuckedoffat48b · 24/10/2018 15:51

I'm quite shocked at some of these answers tbh. OP's partner has disabled himself through his own lack of personal responsibility. This is now having an impact on his wife and children. Of course she can be pissed off.

flumpybear · 24/10/2018 15:55

OP your DH is an adult, he should have looked after himself so he's able to look after his family - bloody fool!
Mad fir the fissure - when's his operation likely to be? If it's really that bad then maybe he should seek guidance from the hospital about getting shifted up the list or go private so he can be a father and it just a waste of space

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 24/10/2018 15:57

Ok so it sounds like he was embarrassed due to the location, and thought it would go away. Whilst it is still very frustrating that he didn't get it sorted getting cross is still not going to help.

How long is the wait for the operation? He should still be fine to help with the baby even if he cannot sit and hold him surely he can push him in a stroller of comfort him when stood up?

Whilst not idea you need to discuss together how to tackle these obstacles until the operation and you may need to get other family to help if you are struggling with lack of sleep in h short term.

I appreciate it is making your life more difficult but it's not like he would have done it on purpose if he known how serious it would get. Whilst it is fine to rant try to remember he's probably pretty pissed at himself that its got this bad and now he cannot help with his son.

silkpyjamasallday · 24/10/2018 16:07

What a selfish twat. Anal fissures mean he can't hold his child? How does he think women cope after pushing a human out of their vagina or having major surgery on their abdomens to birth said children? YANBU at all OP, I would be raging in your position.

It's one thing that he wouldn't seek help, he made it far worse by milking it now as if he has an excuse to be a shit parent and partner.

CheshireChat · 24/10/2018 16:10

I think I'd demand he helps more, you need time to recover as well so it's unfair he gets mollycoddled whilst you get run into the ground.

Women are expected to just get on with taking care of a newborn regardless of the birth so he'll just have to be creative and figure out a way he can help.