To consider going non contact with my mother?

[Sadmum2]

I don't have any other family that I'm in contact with apart from my mother but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep doing this with her.

I have a 22 month old DS who is very challenging, he is currently seeing a SALT who has suggested possible autism and referred him for an assessment, we are on the waiting list. So things at home are more difficult than average for me I'd say and I struggle a lot to manage with DS but I'm doing the best I can.

That being said my mother is constantly criticising every single thing I do to do with my parenting. She frequently flies off the handle at me, blaming me for the way DS is and the way he behaves. She tells me I'm a bad mum and that she doesn't have these problems with him when she looks after him (3 days a week when I go to work) but I know that she has exactly the same problems as me as she tells me when I get home but then conveniently forgets when she wants to use that in an argument.

Today I planned a trip to the zoo with her and DS. I drove 30 miles to pick her up and get to the zoo and paid for us both to get in, but not 20 minutes in DS starts having a meltdown which is not uncommon for him when in a new situation as he gets overwhelmed. I took him over to a bench to give him something to eat and drink but he had worked himself up and was pretty much hysterical, banging his head onto the bench and screaming. So I sat him on my lap and put a cartoon on for him on my phone, not ideal I know but in that situation I didn't know what else to do to calm him down.

My mother saw this and snatched my phone away shouting at me that I am a bad mum for letting him watch something on my phone and that no wonder he is the way he is if he has a mother like me etc.
This caused DS to fly back into a meltdown and by this point there were so many people looking over at us because both DS and my mother were shouting so much.
In the end I had to put DS back in his pushchair and wheel him out of the zoo screaming bloody murder the whole way and walk past a huge queue at the door feeling like I was doing a walk of shame.
My mother was following behind me and when we got to the car she refused to speak to me the whole way back, wouldn't give me directions so I got lost and when we got to hers she just got out of the car and walked off without saying anything.

On the drive home I was so upset and feel like a terrible mother even though I'm trying my best she just gets in my head with all the things she says.

I wish I didn't have to rely on her to look after my DS while I work but I can't afford any childcare for him.
AIBU to feel like cutting her out of my life?
I just can't take this happening all the time, she never apologises but will come round after a week or so and say she understands how difficult he is and that I'm doing my best but then always ends up doing it all again.

I'm sorry this has turned into a massive rant! I think I needed to vent more than anything. Thanks for reading if you made it though all that!

I would tell her that because of the way she interacts with you it's more harm then help and that you're putting the relationship on hold while you reassess things. Do you have an alternative for the 3 days of childcare she provides?

ive not spoken to my mum for a year and a half, i dont regret it

She is NOT helping you at all. Having a child with autism is very challenging. You will soon become better able to pre-empt any meltdowns, byt understanding what his triggers are. I cannot imagine her approach is helpful for your son at all. If possible I would suggest finding an alternative option for child care

didn't wasn't to read and run. it's a difficult situation if you have to rely on her for childcare. I'm not surprised you feel like going nc. could you try educating her some how? sorry no real advice

I have no alternative as I don't have any other family or friends who could look after DS and I can't afford to put him into nursery for 3 whole days a week.
I feel like I'm constantly having to walk on egg shells around my mother and live up to her expectations all the time for fear of an argument but I don't know what else to do as I have to work.

You are NOT a bad Mum and it sounds like you're doing incredibly well considering the circumstances.
I do hope your little boy gets the help and support he needs and perhaps you could ask your GP etc for any support groups local to you for parents and carers in similar situations? Your Mum may be struggling with this situation in her own way, not sure if having conversation with her about it is an option? I'm sorry I'm not much more help. Also what is your relationship like with your Mum outside of this?

But I repeat, you are NOT a bad Mum.

I have talked to her about DS and his needs. I've brought her along with me to his SALT session so she could get a better idea of the techniques we are being taught etc.
She agrees that he could possibly be ASD but it's like in the moment when it's tough and he's being challenging she forgets everything we have talked about and starts lashing out at me and trying to blame me for the way he is.
She is very much set in her ways and thinks she is the only one who knows how to parent and that everyone else is useless.

Unfortunately the older I get the more I can see that she was a very damaging parent to myself and my sister. Although she thought she was doing the right thing and no doubt was doing her best she has causes my sister and I a lot of issues in our lives. My sister has a very strained relationship with her and my sister and I are non contact.

Why don’t you do no contact temporarily and see how it goes. just let your mum know that you need a break from her and that you think it’s best for you to have some space for a while.
Parenting is difficult enough without being constantly undermined. You need support and encouragement, not criticism and accusation. Do you have another option for the childcare if you stop seeing your mum?
You sound like a lovely mum and your ds is lucky to have you.

I’m sorry OP. In my opinion it’s her that’s the bad Mum and not you. Have you tried talking to her about it? If so and she still behaves in this way I thing going NC would be best.

I have an aunt like this. If you don't need her financial support and your DS hasn't formed too strong a bond with her, go NC.

You can’t cut her out of your life and still use her as childcare, so I would focus on finding an alternative to that and in the meantime reduce seeing her at weekends etc. She sounds really toxic.

I think I am going to look into possible alternatives for childcare or maybe take a holiday from work for a week and try going NC with her as I am fed up of being made to feel so rubbish when I'm not doing anything wrong.
The more I think about it the more annoyed I get. It's not like i have DS glued to the telly or to my phone. The only time he ever watches anything is if I'm struggling to get him to eat or if he's having a full blown meltdown and no other distraction is working. I know it's not ideal but in difficult circumstances I'm stuck for what else to do.

I definitely would go NC.

I couldn't put up with that, no way!

You have it hard as it is and no way should you be put down constantly, even to the point of her undermining your parenting choices.

Do you really want your DC around her 3 days a week, when this is her attitude? You need support and understanding. Your parenting choices should be respected.

Im sorry you are in this position. You are not a bad mum OP.
As for your mother - she's toxic.

Just to add.

My (ASD) nephew used to use a device (tablet / phone) to help with meltdowns - worked perfectly fine!
Now he is older he uses headphones to listen to music or whatever.

Don't see what the problem is, whatever works best for your DC.

Tell her it's inherited.....

No seriously, when you needed help, you needed her and she did nothing but insult and hinder.

YADNBU

Do you think your mum just thinks your son is badly behaved having a tantrum when he's actually having a meltdown? She just may not understand the difference and that he can't help it when he has a meltdown. Maybe some more information on Autism may help her understand how better to help you and him deal with his meltdowns. Going no contact might the best thing but realistically of you need her help with childcare it might not be an option.

The worst thing these people do is tell you you're wrong in front of the child.

My aunt doesn't believe in ADHD. She's got my DC until tomorrow. On Tuesday night she had them out building a fucking den in the woods. The advice I've had for DS2 is no outdoor activity 3 hours before bedtime, and the same bedtime every night. As she believes I put him to bed too early, I know she won't be sticking to that either. I put him to bed so he gets enough sleep. He wakes up at 5, whatever time he goes to bed.

I feel your pain. My son is older and has a diagnosis of ASD and ADHD and he is a handful. One thing that really helps is having people who love us who have our back always and your mum just doesn’t. And trust me, you weren’t doing the walk of shame: your mother was. Whatever the circumstances and whatever her opinion of your parenting or your sons difficulties her behaviour is revolting. Honestly you should have left her there and driven home without her.

I have a difficult relationship with my own mother (who is one of the most self absorbed nasty and abusive 2 faced people I’ve ever known) and I’ve stopped speaking to her on and off over the years. Currently it’s been about 2 months and I feel amazing for it this time. Less anxious, happier, enjoying my life and my own family more and I feel zero obligation to her. I’ve been told by various people that I’ll have to talk to her again at some point “because she’s my mother” but I honestly don’t see why I should.

In your shoes OP I would put some distance between you and your mum for a while at least while you decide what she brings to you and your son’s lives.

Has anyone suggested you apply for DLA for your DS? It's worth looking into. It can be hard to get and the forms aren't the easiest, but you should be able to get help with completing them - a local parent support charity/CAB etc. Cerebra also have a DLA guide. I think being in receipt of DLA may also make your DS eligible for 15 hours a week term time funded childcare from age 2.

Obviously these aren't a quick-fix, but it does sound like perhaps your mum doing childcare long term isn't really going to work.

I can relate, my eldest was dx with ASD at 3, but I remember having a huge blow out with my mum when he was the same age as your son is now. The undertone was very much that I was causing his problems.

To be honest I don't think it is lack of information about ASD as she has worked with both children and adults with ASD so she has a fair amount of experience. Part of me wonders whether it's because she struggles to accept it when it's closer to home and is struggling with the idea that her grandson may have it so would rather try to blame it away on me than accept it.
Then the other part of me thinks she is just quite a nasty person who enjoys putting others down to make herself feel better.

Oh, the latest from my aunt: "DH should take DS2 swimming, he loves the water." First of all, DH won't be told what to do, second, why the fuck can't I take him swimming (which I do)? Third of all, going swimming takes half a day from here, there's nothing round here. I just send a 😆 emoji and quietly seethe.

The DH in question is 64 and currently snoozing on the sofa after 4 hours work as a caretaker on a housing estate.

Some Mothers are just overbearing aren't they! I think I could take it if it was more annoying texts and remarks but it's the way she goes about it I can't cope with. The shouting and behaving like a child having a tantrum herself. And whenever you say anything back or tell her how unreasonable she is being she instantly says "I'm going!" and storms off, no matter where you are! I have been late for work twice due to her coming in in the mornings and kicking off over something stupid and then storming out of my house when I've told her to stop it!

Sorry for venting.

Seriously, don't let her in in the morning.

Has she always been like it? My mum used to sabotage all kinds of things, not caring for the consequences. The most notable being when she put DS1 in his cot and stomped out the house when I was recovering from a EMCS with DS2, and really wasn't supposed to be lifting DS1.

I think she had a personality disorder. before I get groaned at for armchair diagnosis, she had a few spells of being sectioned too. But regardless, I got to a point where we got on o.k, she moved away (400 miles) and I never cause to rely on her for anything which made it easier.