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Original poster

My dad is a waste of space! I need to rant!

26 replies

Mytype · 24/10/2018 10:52

I posted a week away ranting about my dad but things have finally came to a head.
Il try cut a long story short. My dad has always been the same, he dotes on whatever wife he is with and their children more than his own family. It has ended in my brother cutting contact with him 3 years ago.
We spoke last night on the phone and all I have asked for is more effort for me and my son! We always do a mini Christmas at my nans same date every year without fail. He wanted to change the week because his wife had an art fair. To me he only sees us 3 times a year so those 3 times should be a priority. We got in a huge row, his wife was making remarks in the background to which I simply asked if I could with him alone and his wife flipped and my dad defended her!
I simply asked him what’s more important to him seeing his grandson or an art fair to which he said he isn’t answering because I won’t like his answer! Says it all to me. He let me down so much as a child and I refuse to let him do the same to my son.
I try to talk to him and all I get is “you need to stop doing this and argueing, this is our life now and I need to stop overthinking things!” I’m furious and heartbroken and don’t know what to do next!

OP posts:
florafawna · 24/10/2018 10:59

He is in love! Smile

Original poster
Mytype · 24/10/2018 11:01

Okay I don’t know how to respond to that

OP posts:
Angrybird345 · 24/10/2018 11:02

Take a note out of your brothers book and go lc or NC.

flumpybear · 24/10/2018 11:15

I wouldn't have even fought with him, I'd have just said no problem perhaps you'll prioritise us next year ... if we bother inviting you
Walk away and he'll notice, argue and helll make excuses it's your fault

Walk, aloof and don't engage without aloofness

Original poster
Mytype · 24/10/2018 11:18

That makes a lot of sense. He doesn’t see anything wrong in cancelling the one weekend a year because he said things change and that’s how it is. But it’s how it makes me feel inside. Also his wife mentioned a comment about Christmas presents in the background I’m guessing it’s the money from the art fair. I couldn’t care less about presents! I have since blocked the both and I continue to do so

OP posts:
WhiteCat1704 · 24/10/2018 11:24

You are acting like a spoiled entitled child. You father is perfectly in his right to ask to change dates if they don't suit him and his wife. You can say no to major changes but offer to meet on a different weekend so they can see your son.

Louiselouie0890 · 24/10/2018 11:27

I'd walk away. Leave him to it. Why waste your time. He doesn't deserve to be in your ls and your child's life. I've ditched a father and a step father and a mother for roundabout the same thing. Best thing I ever did

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 24/10/2018 11:29

It is NOT spoiled or entitled for the OP to expect her own father, and her child's grandfather to prioritise them occasionally, @WhiteCat1704. This man's actions and attitudes are telling his own child that his happiness matters more to him than she does - that is not an acceptable message to send your own child.

RedDrink · 24/10/2018 11:33

Why is the first response always so useless... Hmm

Walk away like your brother did.

Unfortunately you need to accept that your father will always prioritise the woman who spreads her legs for him over his own children and grandchildren. It sounds like this has been the case for many years and is 99.99% unlikely to change.

Save yourself more pain and walk away.

WhiteCat1704 · 24/10/2018 11:36

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius She is an adult though. And should be able to understand that sometimes work and earning money-for presents- may get prioritised. The fact that he is her father doesn't mean he can't have his own life.

Original poster
Mytype · 24/10/2018 11:37

@whitecat he sees me 3 times a year one of those times I drive 5 hours to see him. So yes I do expect the two times a year to be a priority and come before anything! I don’t think that is a lot to ask for 2 days out of 365days!

OP posts:
Monty27 · 24/10/2018 11:38

He doesn't deserve his DC's not grandchildren.
I would keep him out of my life and when he grows up, I might give him a last chance. And he needs to know what he's missing.
I don't know how painful it must be so move things forward.

Original poster
Mytype · 24/10/2018 11:40

@monty I’m honestly heartbroken, it hurts more for my child I feel like I’m feeling how my mother did when I was little.

OP posts:
LavenderBush · 24/10/2018 11:43

I would say walk away and go NC like your brother.

It seems like you are doing all the running here, and for what? He makes no effort because you are not one of his priorities. He just doesn't really care and you already know that.

He is a crap dad and this is really sad for you. Your life would probably be better without expectations of him and without him in it at all. All he seems to be bringing is hurt and disappointment.

ashtrayheart · 24/10/2018 11:46

Things get easier when you accept that it's how some people are and have zero expectation of them. I used to get very upset and feel like my parents' lack of interest reflected on my worthiness, but it doesn't. I just get on with my life and see it as their loss.

TakeMe2Insanity · 24/10/2018 11:50

He isn’t interested. Walk away. You’ll feel so much better not expending energy on him.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 24/10/2018 11:54

I’m with white cat he’s told you in my plenty of time and is looking to rearrange the date he hasn’t cancelled last minute.

Stompythedinosaur · 24/10/2018 11:55

For your own wellbeing I would walk away. If he wants a relationship he can put the effort in, but if he doesn't you can't make him. He doesn't deserve you or your ds.

See your proper family at Christmas, the ones who act like family.

Sorry that your dad is shit. It says everything about him and nothing about you.

EdwardBear1920 · 24/10/2018 11:58

I agree with Ashtray - things get easier after a while.

My dad was crappy for all sorts of reasons, but oddly, through all of it, the things that hurt the most were the following. Being told that obviously his new wife is his highest priority. I look at my children and can't imagine how another person would be more important to me than them.

The other was putting in the divorce papers written by his solicitor and given to DM, 'There are no children of the marriage apart from one, independent child.' The independent child was DB2 who was 12. I was 16 and not yet financially independent. There are two other children.

In all the drama and upsets and fights and unrealistically high expectations of us and the 'discipline' that was over the top, it really, really stung to be vanished like that.

So it's normal to feel desperately sad. But, it does get easier, particularly when you start deciding on things on your own terms. So, no, he doesn't get to have a Christmas with you. No, he doesn't get to call whenever. These need to be your choices. They will be hard at first, but taking ownership of who sees who when will become liberating in time.

StompyDino · 24/10/2018 11:59

My dad is very similar. I thought I should make the effort at first but I’ve given up on him now.

My sister had children first and I saw how he let them down so I’ve decided he’s not going to get the chance with my daughter. I ran into him not too long ago and he didn’t even seem to remember who my daughter was. He always plays the victim in every scenario but just ditched his most recent long-term partner by leaving her a note in the house they both share so that he can move onto someone else who is now his priority.

I can’t say what’s right for you but NC works very well for me.

Lizzie48 · 24/10/2018 12:04

@WhiteCat1704

I don't think the OP would have reacted the way she has, if her dad hadn't let her down all through her life. 3 times a year is a normal number of times to see parents who live far away. We only see my MIL that many times normally.

This really isn't about how often they see each other or about the Christmas fair. It's about many years of being let down by her dad.

And if her response is childish, it isn't surprising, as the anger is that of the little girl whose dad let her down time and again.

I think you would find the 'Stately Homes' thread on the Relationships board helpful, @Mytype there's a lot of non judgemental support for people who grew up with toxic family relationships.

You might benefit from going NC like your DB has. Your dad isn't going to change sadly. 

Flowerfae · 24/10/2018 12:06

I would go low or no contact. It is hard with children though. My dad isn't the slightest bit interested in me, I got in touch with him after 11 years of not seeing him (mainly because I wanted to see how my half sisters were doing) he knows where I live (apparently its my fault for moving more then 45 mins away from where he lives, even though its us that goes to see him) I've tried organising things, but he just made excuses not to meet (I actually arranged to meet at a place about half way between us both, he said he couldn't come.. then went anyway, just without us so I've taken that as he's not interested). Luckily my children have only met him a few times and see my stepdad as their 'grandad'. Your dad though, if you reduce contact with him.. may realise what he is missing and start making more of an effort. Sorry you're going through this, it's rubbish.

toomuchtooold · 24/10/2018 12:10

This is a straw that breaks the camel's back for you OP, isn't it? In the normal run of things, family rearranging a visit is absolutely fine, but I remember your last thread and your dad gives you the runaround quite regularly and has very little time to you. In that context, I can see why you're angry. Having said that, you need to start getting past this - you know who your dad is, he's not the involved dad and granddad you wish he was, and you're only hurting yourself by clashing with him like this and expecting things to change.

I’m honestly heartbroken, it hurts more for my child I feel like I’m feeling how my mother did when I was little

He's your DS's granda though, not his dad, and while it would be nice to have a close relationship, I can tell you he won't miss what he's never had (both my grandas died before I was born). It's yourself who's been failed by your dad, not your son. But I think it's easier to see that when you see them doing it to your child, because you think of yourself at the same age and you don't remember being a sweet little kid, you just think of yourself as you IYKWIM? Seeing your own kids at that age makes you realise how young, how sweet, how vulnerable and how disappointed you would have been at the same age. Be angry at your dad on your own behalf.

SoupDragon · 24/10/2018 12:15

You father is perfectly in his right to ask to change dates if they don't suit him and his wife.

On the context of a normal family relationship where there is commitment, affection and consideration on both sides, yes. However, you seem to be ignoring the backstory where the father is totally self centred.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 24/10/2018 12:35

I agree, @SoupDragon. I'd add that, yes, the father is perfectly within his rights to ask to change the dates - and the OP is perfectly within hers to judge him negatively, due to his refusal ever to prioritise his child and his grandchildren!

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