So depressed and sick of life

[Pinkbutton85]

A quick run down...

I'm nearly 25, I have two beautiful, amazing children who are 3 and 5. The youngest is in nursery a few days a week and the eldest is now at school. Both are happy and healthy and loving life.

I, on the other hand, am not. I'm so fucking depressed with life I just don't know what to do anymore. I suffer from PTSD, borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. I'm already on anti-depressants, I'm seeing a therapist and a life coach.

I'm a full time stay at home mum with a controlling partner who I am completely financially dependent on. I do have a car, but I live in the middle of nowhere with no real close friends or family.

I'm in a depressive rut, I'm on auto-pilot. I dread the days and the weeks as they're all the same and I just feel like I'm not going anywhere in life.

I know I sound very woe is me, but have any of you been in a situation like this? How did you get out of it?

Partner sounds like problem.

It doesn’t sound woe is me. It sounds utterly miserable and really hard.
I have changed my antidepressant. That helped.
I get outside every single day. (We have a dog I have to walk.)
I do volunteering too.
Any chance you could work to be less financially dependent? Not easy I know.

I'm so sorry. Well done for reaching out in many ways so far. I think your priority has to be to gain access to your own funds so you are in a position of choice in the future. With your eldest going to school and youngest at preschool I think now is the time to try to use any alone time you have to begin to get yourself in the frame of mind so that you can earn.

I would work on your independence. A controlling financially abusive partner is likely to be contributing to your unhappiness.

Get yourself a hobby and a part time job if possible. Work on building up a bit of a financial cushion for yourself so you don't feel like you are completely dependant on him.

It sounds like your issues are

• partner
• financial dependency
• lack of social contact

You’ll need to address these things. Is this something your life coach is helping you with?

Ok, I agree, you are in a very tough situation, but you need to find a quick solution. I also think that your partner is the main issue here, hence being financial dependent.

Did you ever have a job? What are your skills/qualifications? What kind of job do you think you could do?

Do you have any support at all? (family, friends)

My partner is defo a massive part of the issue if not all of it. We have been together for nearly 11 years, he has been controlling throughout all of our relationship. I lost friends, missed out on my teenage years because I 'wasn't allowed' to see anyone else besides him. Even family time was limited.

I have tried many many times to leave. He threatens to hurt himself, says he can't go on. He's very emotionally manipulative.

It doesn't sound woe is me - it sounds like a difficult situation.

I wonder whether working towards some financial.independence might help? At least then you wouldn't feel totally stuck with your partner?

Did you work before you had children? If so, what did you do? Is there a possibility of going back to that while youngest is at nursery?

Or, can your life coach help you to consider new options? Is a local college course an option? Perhaps the OU?

How about some volunteering to update your CV and get out of the house on some days?

It's hard but in time you will be able to change things .

In all honesty, harsh as this might sound I'm leave him and ignore his threats to hurt himself.

I'm day he is very unlikely to hurt himself if you leave - it's probably just another way to control you.

Can you speak to women's aid? They will be able to give you some good advice about leaving and benefits you would be entitled to.

I don't have any hobbies anymore. I never really did before the children either though. I went from school/college straight into a job and then children.

I was manager of a shop before having my eldest.

But being a SAHM for the last 5 years, I feel like I've lost myself, my identity. I don't feel I'm anything other than 'mum' atm.

Take little steps at a time... even if you feel like just about everything needs to change, thinking about it like that will be too overwhelming. Maybe start by getting a part-time job? And take opportunities to be nice to yourself x

@Pinkbutton85 you need to stop all this. You're so YOUNG, you can start over from point zero if necessary! You have plenty of time to become who you want to be.

You met at 13

I'd get a job and create a life and money for yourself.

Sounds unhealthy

@MarthasGinYard

I was 14 and he was a lot older. Too much older. I look back now and it makes me feel uneasy...

Ok you need to focus. You are young, you have two healthy kids. These are positives! Think about what you want to do, study, hobbies, fitness, get s focus that is for you outside of the family. This will take time and a lot of effort but once you get started it will get easier. Push yourself!
I changed my life by hearing this saying “an attitude of gratitude brings opportunity” I started to be thankful for the small things. Food on the table. Hot water to wash. Roof over head etc. Force yourself to acknowledge these things and it’s amazing how your brain can start to reprogram itself. Good luck. And if your partner is causing this, get rid.

I think you need take steps to to get away from him. Maybe start with a part-time job to build up some funds as pp have suggested? Having a job would also mean some amount of social contact which everyone needs to some extent.

Does your therapist know that you're in an abusive relationship? Ideally they would be helping you to realise that his threats to harm himself are just another form of abuse, and that if he did do anything that would be entirely his own decision.

If he hurts himself that is of his own doing, not yours.

I know it wouldn’t be easy to walk out of an 11 year relationship but I’m just saying that if that’s the only or main reason, don’t let him guilt trip you.

This is your life, it’s not a dress rehearsal, please be happy. (Hypocritical as I’m feeling so, so low today and your post echoes how I feel all the time and it’s easy for me to say it to you but I don’t practice what I’m preaching)

OP I don't think there is anything wrong with YOU that needs fixed

The way you feel is a normal and understandable reaction to your situation.

Your OH is an abuser, he was when you first met and he still is now.

Until you fix that issue your life will not be a good one.

I have tried many many times to leave. He threatens to hurt himself, says he can't go on. He's very emotionally manipulative.

Can you seen how wrong that is?

So what if he hurts himself? That would be his choice- and you would not be responsible for that.

OP it's really time to stand up and take control over your own life.

No amount of therapy, medication or fife coaching will fix this.

Do you really want your children to grow up thinking this is a normal human relationship?

What would you say to your son or daughter if they found themselves in the same situation in 20 years time?
Would that be OK?
Or would you be telling them to GET OUT.

Which you need to do. For your sake and for the sake of your children.

OP I think you might be experiencing what's called 'coercive control'. It's a form of domestic abuse where the person isolates you and is emotionally controlling in every way- you also sound financially controlled as well. There are people who know about this and can give you advice, you don't have to do anything except listen at this stage:

www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

I know how you feel, OP. I have many, many days like yours. Can't offer any advice, just wanted to let you know, you are not on your own, small comfort I know. For you

His threats to harm himself are just that, empty threats. It's an absolutely standard part of an emotional abuser's handbook. He really doesn't care about you, only himself, and if you start to look on everything he says and does in that light hopefully you will start to resent his behavior. I know it sounds odd saying "hopefully resent" but that would be the start of looking at him in a very different light.

Part of the abuse is making you feel 100% dependent on him, and actually you aren't. He has a legal obligation to support his children and there are things in place to ensure that he does e.g. CAS. There are other forms of help too - child benefit, tax credits, housing benefit etc so you won't be homeless especially with young children.

I can almost guarantee that if you say you are leaving and the threats to harm himself are ignored, his next threat will be to take the children. Also an empty threat. He will say nobody else will want you. He will say you can't cope without him. In fact he will say anything he thinks will stop you leaving because he has you nicely house trained. Ignore all of them & escape to freedom and a decent life.

I don't have much advice OP, I can offer virtual hugs though

One thing - what would be your advice if one of your children came to you and explained what you've explained in your OP? What would you tell / advise them to do?
I'm guessing that you would encourage them to leave someone who could be so controlling, manipulative and abusive (your partner doesn't have to physically hurt you to be abusive), not to mention predatory

If nothing else, think of how your living situation will impact on them, and skew their view of how relationships are supposed to be

Good luck OP

OP

If he threatens to hurt himself you know you can log it with the police and it will be their (and his) responsibility to look after his welfare?

Manager of a shop at what, 20, that's really impressive (as is looking after two kids when you're young and have PTSD!). You still have that competence and maturity in you and that is part of your identity.

Definitely agree with PP that working part-time would be a step forward, maybe somewhere a bit hectic and busy, if you can manage it, for a change of scene and a chance to forget about the less positive aspects of home for a bit. Even one shift a week. Get paid into an account your partner doesn't know about. Once you see the total building up it will give you more confidence to address the practicalities of leaving. Would you prefer to live somewhere less isolated?