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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want to hold hands with a strange man in the park?

78 replies

Twiceover · 23/10/2018 12:54

I was in the park yesterday with DCs. They were off playing and I was sitting on a bench in the sun mumsnetting.

An elderly man sits down next to me and starts chatting. I don't particularly want to talk to him - I was enjoying the relative peace and quiet - but I think I may as well be polite. We chat for a while, small talk about his family, where we live, what football team he supports etc. All perfectly pleasant.

DC come over - they want to leave. 'Lovely to meet you'd, I say to the man. 'Lovely to meet you too, I'm Dennis' And he puts out his hand to shake. 'Twiceover', I say and shake his hand. I go to take my hand back. He holds onto it. Awks. He continues to talk to me, now holding my hand. And I...do nothing. Except squirm in embarassment and try and end the conversation as soon as I can so I can escape.

All in all a complete non-incident. Nothing happened. I wasn't upset, just mildly embarrassed and irritated.

And yet now I think why didn't I say something? I wasnt happy with him continuing to hold my hand. I'm generally pretty assertive and direct. I could easily have politely said 'please let go of my hand ' or even quite abruptly 'give me back my hand!' I didn't want to be rude or upset him so I just sat there nodding and smiling politely while he held my hand. But why did my need to be polite and not embarrass him trump my own need not to have my boundaries crossed? Why was I so worried about upsetting someone who was invading my personal space?

So WIBU not to say anything or was it so inconsequential it would have been odd to call him out on it?

OP posts:
SushiMonster · 23/10/2018 12:56

But why did my need to be polite and not embarrass him trump my own need not to have my boundaries crossed? Why was I so worried about upsetting someone who was invading my personal space?

Because patriarchy and gender socialization.

florafawna · 23/10/2018 12:57

Become more assertive then!

PinkHeart5914 · 23/10/2018 13:01

I don’t think you were being unreasonable to say nothing, I wouldn’t of either as the situation you’ve described doesn’t sound unpleasant/dangerous/ upsetting or like any harm at all was intended,

More than likely just a lonely elderly person, could be any of us one day

BastardGoDarkly · 23/10/2018 13:05

If it had been an elderly woman would you have felt the same?
(Wondering not point making)

You're not wrong to have felt uncomfortable, we're a lot less tactile now than older generations I think ?

ADastardlyThing · 23/10/2018 13:07

When stuff like this happens to me (weirdly it has a fair bit!) If it's an elderly person I've generally been forgiving. I happen to know in one instance his 5min interaction with me was probably the only human contact he had for the rest of that week and i was happy to put aside my feeling of "yea,....my hand back now please?". So in that case less female socialisation and more of a "awwww poor bugger".

The time when a 40-odd year old man did it I did not hesitate to yank my hand back and made a point of wiping it on my jeans.

So I wouldn't have called the elderly dude out but no problem in telling someone else to bugger off.

Tinty · 23/10/2018 13:10

I think you are really nice and the reason you didn't yank your hand back and call him out on it is because he was an older gentleman. I think you would have probably been the same if it was an old lady.

I think it shows you are a nice person because even though you didn't want to chat you recognised that the older person may need a little human contact.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 23/10/2018 13:12

I thought you'd gone on a 1st date with the same weirdo as me, who didn't understand what was so frightening about insisting on walking an out of town visitor into town via the secluded park and death gripping her hand whilst you tell her about your martial arts prowess within 5 min of meeting.

In this instance, I'd say gender socialization though and the expectation that we are nice to our elders regardless.

mirialis · 23/10/2018 13:13

If you are generally assertive and direct, maybe subconsciously, somewhere, (as you seem to not be aware of it now and are just irritated about your "boundaries") you realised being kind to elderly/lonely people is the decent thing to do. Fuck the "patriarchy" nonsense - elderly women do this to men too and nice ones do not snatch their hand back or ask the women to stop it despite the awkwardness.

fizzthecat1 · 23/10/2018 13:13

Become more assertive then!

Yeah lets blame the victim and not the creep with no boundaries.

Original poster
Twiceover · 23/10/2018 13:16

Yes, I think that was it, he was an older man like my grandpa so I didn't want to upset him when he was probably only intending to be pleasant and have a nice chat.

I would have been equally uncomfortable if it had been an elderly woman with the actual hand holding- I'm very much not a tactile person. But I probably wouldn't have been as annoyed with myself afterwards for not saying anything.

OP posts:
deptfordgirl · 23/10/2018 13:16

Oh dear, sounds as if he is very lonely and probably craves the human contact.

Obviously he shouldn't hold your hand without asking though and I would have done the same and not said anything whilst feeling very uncomfortable.

Tinty · 23/10/2018 13:17

Because patriarchy and gender socialization

OP I'm not sure about this, I can see why PP might think that, but I think it depends how you have been brought up and if you have been brought up to be polite to older people, you will react as you did.

My DS works in a Supermarket part time, he is very nice and friendly to the customers. Sometimes we will see them when we are in different places and the little old ladies will come over and chat to him and he will spend ages letting them chat away, some of them even give him a kiss on the cheek when they go. Grin

mirialis · 23/10/2018 13:25

OP - really don't think this is worth another second of your thoughts and energy.

Babycham1979 · 23/10/2018 13:26

Because patriarchy and gender socialization

What utter bollocks! As others have noted, old ladies are far warse offenders when it comes to this kind of behaviour. Jesus, get a grip!

longwayoff · 23/10/2018 13:26

Poor old bugger. Put your other hand on top of the one that's holding yours, his grip will loosen. Gently withdraw your hand, give him a pat and say how nice it was to meet him, goodbye.

Original poster
Twiceover · 23/10/2018 13:32

I don't think he was particularly lonely. He had a wife and several children and grandchildren. He was minding his grandson at the park and then was off to meet his wife and daughter so I definitely wasn't the only person he'd spoken to all day!

OP posts:
Dodie66 · 23/10/2018 13:33

My dad was a bit like that. I think they get lonely and want to chat.

oldwhyno · 23/10/2018 13:35

It's interesting the way you ask this question "But why did my need to be polite and not embarrass him trump my own need not to have my boundaries crossed?"

Why is "to be polite and not embarrass him" described as "my need", and "not to have my boundaries crossed" described as "my own need"?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 23/10/2018 13:42

It's weird, isn't it?

I can think of several scenarios where this man might not have meant anything by it. But you felt it was inappropriate and you came away feeling bad.

On the whole, I think we have instincts for a reason. Yours were telling you this wasn't very comfortable, and chances are that's because you were picking up on a bit of an odd vibe. I don't say he was doing anything terribly awful, but I suspect he knew he was being a bit inappropriate and he did it anyway, in a sort of 'oh, it's harmless, charming young woman, I so much enjoyed our little chat' kind of way.

I could be wrong. But my suspicion would be that if he had been doing it entirely innocently (eg., if he had early-stage dementia and had actually forgotten how this social ritual usually goes), you would have got a different vibe.

Vixxxy · 23/10/2018 13:46

YWNBU for not saying anything, you would also not be unreasonable to say anything. I have had this too actually, with random elderly men in the park. I was just quite bemused at the time tbh.

Vixxxy · 23/10/2018 13:47

*A random elderly man. There have not been multiple. Luckily.

AjasLipstick · 23/10/2018 13:56

As my Mum always says, weird young men grow up to be weird old men.

And nasty old people were usually nasty young people.

He may have had some issues with his mental health or he may have just wanted to hold your hand. Either way, next time you pull away and don't apologise.

Teach your kids to do the same. Impress on them that their discomfort always comes before manners. If ANYONE or any situation makes them uncomfortable, they are to leave immediately.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2018 13:56

This isn’t a straight either or situation
It’s in no way victim blaming to suggest the op should be more assertive,politely say that’s enough, I’ll take my hand back now etc. Op does need to find her voice and speak up when being imposed upon
It is socialisation that dictates nice girl notion were women don’t speak up or assert themselves

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/10/2018 13:59

I've had similar happen with an elderly woman and felt the same. It was a friend of a friend's relative and we got chatting at a birthday thing when she started complimenting my hair and then stroking it. I'd met her before and there's nothing remarkable about her, no dementia, lives independently and has a full life, huge extended family- no need to think she's more in need of human contact than anyone else.

I felt deeply uncomfortable, I tried to shuffle backwards and she didn't stop and I have no idea at all why I was so incapable of saying "you're making me uncomfortable, please leave my hair alone" or just got the fuck off the sofa and gone somewhere else. I think it was because she was old, and I think if it had been a man I'd have been more assertive.

Like you, when I eventually extricated myself, I was far more annoyed with myself than with her!

Poppyinagreenfield · 23/10/2018 14:00

Loneliness. Old people lose their friends, they lose their partners, they can no longer feel the warm reassurance of having somebody to reach out to. Just the simple act of touching another human being can give themselves something to see them through the days ahead.

Loneliness is a major disease in our society as families are no longer around us to give support.

All you had to do is say it was lovely talking to you but I must go now and gently remove his hand.