AIBU?
To feel frustrated AF with DP
MeteorMedow · 23/10/2018 10:43
We are recently engaged.
We wanted to elope but now (post engagement) DP has decided it’s not what he wants (there are good reasons) so now we’re looking at a traditional wedding.
Fine, tbf his happiness means the absolute world to me. We discussed timings and agreed we’d consider May-Dec 2019 dates.
Went to see a venue a few weeks ago and fell absolutely in love- equally so. Unfortunately hidden costs made it unrealistic for our budget (we’re funding 2/3 of the event out of savings).
They offered us a July date at a hearty discount and I was THRILLED but DP was very reserved. I gently questioned this but he was adamant he just wanted ‘all the information’ before getting excited- fair enough.
We told family about this date, emailed providers, called registrar...etc. But DP just didn’t seem quite as sold on it as me (refused to admit this though) until last night when I sort of snapped- fed up of being gentle and encouraging and demanded he tell me WTF was wrong.
Well it seems he’s not sure about the date and would rather wait an extra 2-3 months and pay £3000 (out of our pocket) more.
It makes me so mad that he’s just gone along with this for the last few days telling family and letting me get more and more attached/ excited (despite offering many opportunities to discuss concerns he just repeated ‘It’s quite soon but it’s doable!’).
I knew he didn’t seem enthusiastic but he brushed it off and told me I was being silly.
At this stage it feels like I’ve really lost something giving that date up- I’d just started to get properly excited and now I feel totally ‘extinguished’ when I told him this he backtracked and claimed he was on board and wanted to go for the date too. But it’s taken the shine off now and I told him to call the venue today and cancel. It’s like, we found the perfect compromise but he just picked issues with it.
“June is too soon- other dates are too expensive. Couldn’t possibly elope.” 😡 Yet he also thinks 2020 is too long to wait.
I slept on sofa last night and had a little cry. We’ve never had any issues in our relationship V healthy until now.
MeteorMedow · 23/10/2018 10:53
Too soon apparently. Although he’s willing to do it- just not willing to show any enthusiasm about it
Cranky17 · 23/10/2018 10:53
I don’t understand then, it fits in with the months you were both after, is anything else going on?
Bluntness100 · 23/10/2018 10:54
That's a bit odd to be fair. I can't see what the difference is between July and sept/Oct. so I'd probably try to talk to him. I suspect he has cold feet.
Merryoldgoat · 23/10/2018 10:56
I don’t really understand either. Frankly, once you’re engaged, you should be ready to get married immediately - just logistics and money holding you back. 9 months isn’t ‘too soon’ if you have the funds and are engaged so I’d be unhappy too.
Shoxfordian · 23/10/2018 10:56
It sounds like he's getting scared now he realises booking it means you're actually going to do it
poglets · 23/10/2018 10:57
Do you really want to spend all this money?
I don't know the size of your savings pot, but it's a traditional wedding and doesn't sound cheap. 2/3. Of your savings on something you don't really want doesn't sound good to me.
The project has changed a great deal from what was initially to be a simple elopement to now, a full 'bells and whistles' event. Who is all this for?
How do you decide how joint financial decisions like this are made? And how will you decide about other major decisions once you are married? It all seems a little like he gets the final decision to be honest.
WeeBeasties · 23/10/2018 10:58
Is there a chance that now he's faced with all the logistics and the cost, he actually wants to go back to the eloping idea but maybe doesn't want to admit that he got it wrong? Maybe he wants you to put the idea back on the table so he can pretend to succumb to what you want?
Escolar · 23/10/2018 11:00
Agree with others - the ‘too soon’ reason just doesn’t ring true to me. It’s not that soon! Could there be something else going on?
Weezol · 23/10/2018 11:01
You have compromised on the type of wedding which he wasn't expecting and now he's getting weird about the date. I hope I'm wrong, but it feels to me like he's delaying or obstructing because he doesn't actually want to get married.
Laiste · 23/10/2018 11:01
July next year too soon? 
Rather do it 3 months later and spend an extra 3 grand?
Honestly - let him cancel this venue and then drop the subject for a couple of months and see what happens. If you can. It sounds as if he's getting cold feet. Rather than push i'd let him think on about it and come back to the idea and approach me again in his own time.
Laiste · 23/10/2018 11:02
Forgot to ask - what were the reason for wanting to elope in the first place?
faeriequeen · 23/10/2018 11:08
Sounds like cold feet, or does he not like the venue as much as you do?
MeteorMedow · 23/10/2018 11:09
@Bluntness I’m feeling reassured that I’m not overacting. To me there’s no difference between July and September/Oct
We will both me very busy at work around feb/April which I think is on his mind but still it’s only 2-3 months difference.
@Poglets It has changed a lot but we both love the venue and I’ve quite fallen in love with it. You make a very relevant financial point, luckily DP and I earn V well and own a home so can afford the budget we’ve set without strapping ourselves.
MeteorMedow · 23/10/2018 11:11
@Wee
I’ve put it back on the table constantly throughout and he’s actually asked me to stop as he’s sure he does not want to elope- but otherwise this would have been a very good point!!!
DioneTheDiabolist · 23/10/2018 11:11
You agreed to elope.
He decided he didn't want to elope after all.
You found the perfect venue for the dates you wanted, within your budget.
He's decided he doesn't really want that date at all.
He would rather wait for 8-12 weeks and pay an extra £3000.
I think he's backtracking on the whole thing OP.
DaysOfCurlySpencer · 23/10/2018 11:16
He doesn't want to get married. He may keep putting it off for ever, until the excuses run out or you get fed up with waiting.
Ask him if he would prefer a small wedding at a Registry Office, because the more expensive options and the eloping option isn't working. If he doesn't want to do that then you need to rethink whether you want to be with someone that doesn't want to get married when you do.
Merryoldgoat · 23/10/2018 11:25
Sorry, it sounds to me like he doesn’t want to get married.
Oldraver · 23/10/2018 11:25
He's changing the goalposts all the time isnt he ?
Either he has cold feet and isnt ever intending to agree to a date
Or there is an event he doesn't want to miss
DancingForTheDog · 23/10/2018 11:27
Off the point, but why would a good wedding venue offer a hearty discount in July - a peak month for weddings? (just jealous really having put ourselves on the financial rack for DD's wedding last July).
On point, he does sound like now the excitement of the engagement and talking about weddings has died down the reality is giving him the heebie geebies.
MeteorMedow · 23/10/2018 11:28
He’s set on this venue or so he says but yes it feels to me like he’s backtracking.
Although he ‘doesn’t want to wait until 2020 as really wants us to start a family after the wedding’
He’s not the most enthuastuc guy, he’s quite a reserved academic type and I wonder if maybe I’m suddenly expecting enthusiasm out of nowhere. Either that or he’s changed his mind.
He only proposed a few weeks ago (4-5) completely a surprise I wasn’t expecting/pushing for it.
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