AIBU?
To feel frustrated AF with DP
MeteorMedow · 23/10/2018 10:43
We are recently engaged.
We wanted to elope but now (post engagement) DP has decided it’s not what he wants (there are good reasons) so now we’re looking at a traditional wedding.
Fine, tbf his happiness means the absolute world to me. We discussed timings and agreed we’d consider May-Dec 2019 dates.
Went to see a venue a few weeks ago and fell absolutely in love- equally so. Unfortunately hidden costs made it unrealistic for our budget (we’re funding 2/3 of the event out of savings).
They offered us a July date at a hearty discount and I was THRILLED but DP was very reserved. I gently questioned this but he was adamant he just wanted ‘all the information’ before getting excited- fair enough.
We told family about this date, emailed providers, called registrar...etc. But DP just didn’t seem quite as sold on it as me (refused to admit this though) until last night when I sort of snapped- fed up of being gentle and encouraging and demanded he tell me WTF was wrong.
Well it seems he’s not sure about the date and would rather wait an extra 2-3 months and pay £3000 (out of our pocket) more.
It makes me so mad that he’s just gone along with this for the last few days telling family and letting me get more and more attached/ excited (despite offering many opportunities to discuss concerns he just repeated ‘It’s quite soon but it’s doable!’).
I knew he didn’t seem enthusiastic but he brushed it off and told me I was being silly.
At this stage it feels like I’ve really lost something giving that date up- I’d just started to get properly excited and now I feel totally ‘extinguished’ when I told him this he backtracked and claimed he was on board and wanted to go for the date too. But it’s taken the shine off now and I told him to call the venue today and cancel. It’s like, we found the perfect compromise but he just picked issues with it.
“June is too soon- other dates are too expensive. Couldn’t possibly elope.” 😡 Yet he also thinks 2020 is too long to wait.
I slept on sofa last night and had a little cry. We’ve never had any issues in our relationship V healthy until now.
Ennirem · 23/10/2018 11:32
Sounds like he's being incredibly irritating.
Are you personally that fussed about if/how/when/where you get married? Planning on having children?
If not, and you are reasonably well protected legally (joint names on property, own cash assets in own savings acct etc), and as you say your relationship is otherwise healthy, just drop this ball of nonsense in his lap, smile sweetly and say "Just tell me where and when, I'll turn up in the white dress". Refuse to engage with any more wedding planning talk until he has chosen a venue and a date. If he prevaricates forever, then he's probably just not that keen. If he gets on with it it will save you a massive headache trying to second guess parameters he only tells you about when you fail to meet them!!!
Escolar · 23/10/2018 11:37
OP, it’s possible you’ve hit the nail on the head about him being a reserved type. I was disappointed that DH didn’t seem that excited about our wedding, but we’ve been married for 15 years now so he clearly did want to marry me!
If I were you I’d say to him: “I really love this venue and it seems silly to me to pay an extra three grand to get married there a few weeks later. So if you’re not up for the July date, let’s postpone until 2020 to give us more time to save up.” As Erinnem says, leave the ball in his court.
MirriVan · 23/10/2018 11:56
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
MrsRubyMonday · 23/10/2018 12:11
Also if his concern is that July doesn't give you very long to plan, we were engaged for 18 months but I found that after the first month or two of manically booking venue, dress, photographer etc, there was a massive length of time with very little to do, it was like being stuck in limbo. Then about three months before the wedding it all ramped up again.
It may be worth sitting down with him and drawing up a timeline? If he can see how long things take, and when you would normally expect to book them etc, July may seem more doable.
DontCallMeCharlotte · 23/10/2018 12:16
Oh that would drive me mad. My DH has been known to backtrack on stuff but never big stuff. It's bloody annoying.
If he's an academic type, then I would take an academic approach (as will probably become clear, I am not an academic!) and would pose some open questions that need a logical, rather than emotional response. I personally would also do it by email so he has time to consider his answers properly. I would probably start with:
- Do actually you want to marry me? (okay, that's not an open question!)
Assuming the answer is yes...
2. Please give me a reason why waiting another three months makes any more sense than getting married in July (and saving £3k)?
3. All this dithering and backtracking is actually very upsetting and makes me feel incredibly insecure. How can you reassure me?
If none of that works, I be going for his sensitive areas with an electric fly-swat and torture it out of him
Laiste · 23/10/2018 12:32
I was ready to marry DH long before he asked me. We'd been together 4 years. He asked me in December and we were married in April. 4 months to book and organise a wedding and a honeymoon in Sorrento.
- My DH wanted to be married but didn't fancy the actual wedding.
- I really wanted 2 or 3 guests on a beach sort of thing.
- BUT once he'd asked and i'd said yes he suddenly wanted his whole family there, big wedding, whole shebang
He went from one extreme to the next!
We compromised: 25 guests. White dress. Afternoon tea country house venue type do. Was lovely. Cost apx 2k.
ImaginaryCat · 23/10/2018 13:24
So a quick check of next year's sporting calendar shows the cricket world cup, Wimbledon, Tour de France and the British Golf Open. Might any of those things really matter to him, but he doesn't want to admit he's trying to avoid a sports clash? My DP would be honest and tell me the World Cup takes priority over everything including our children (he'd be joking but only just!).
MeteorMedow · 23/10/2018 14:46
@Imaginary
He does enjoy two of those sports 🤔 but I don’t think enough to let it impact a choice of wedding date. Due to his career he often misses big sporting events (missed 90% of the World Cup this year- watched it all recorded)
Idk, I’m dreading facing him tonight - not feeling super rational as barely slept and have arranged to see a friend for dinner to avoid him.
crispysausagerolls · 23/10/2018 15:51
Cold feet 100%. Have an understanding chat with him explaining you think it’s cold feet and reassuring him blah blah blah and if he is still being a dick threaten to walk (but be willing to go through with it). Because the likelihood of being jerked around or jilted/cancelled wedding is high with someone like this.
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