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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unbiased advice needed... (relationship breakup)

51 replies

MrDarceysMistress · 22/10/2018 19:07

Tried to do this in a Person A/B anonymous way but felt it was way too clear who I was. So I'll do it from my perspective but promise I'll try and just keep to the facts...

So we've been seeing each other 3 months. All to me seemed to be going brilliantly. Couple of minor annoyances - as you always have - one of which was that he text me a lot in the way of 'I'm doing blah blah blah, what are you doing?'. This would be a few times a day. Not something I'm used to and I felt it put me on the spot a bit as a lot of the time I'm sat there with my phone in my hand thinking 'sat on the sofa scratching me arse??' Not a massive thing at all but made me feel just a wee under pressure.

So role on to Friday night, had a few post work drinks and get a similar message. I respond with 'you don't have to tell me everything you do in the day in detail smiley face kiss' Well that was it. Get a message telling me What I say is hurtful, And if I don't like me telling what I've done with my day, in detail or not, then perhaps I won't tell you anything at all and we should call it a day'. I react to this by saying 'if you're going to over-react to that fine I couldn't agree more' (admit I shouldn't have done that). He tells me I've really upset him so quote 'think on that*

Anyway, so next day I message not exactly and apology but an olive branch by saying 'are we going to talk about this?' to which I get a 'no sorry I might say something I regret and I don't want to spoil my weekend' (important family occasion). So I leave it til last night to do the 'what the fuck just happened' message and it turns out he didn't agree with the fact that the last time we met I'd asked him not to talk over me (not disagree as in with what I said, but he disagreed he did it), that me sending the 'you don't have to tell me about your day in detail' was incredibly rude and upsetting, that the last couple of times we've seen each other we've argued and that he doesn't like how we always drink when we're together.

I'll give him the drinking, he doesn't earn much so a lot of our night have been me cooking a meal with wine. We've discussed doing other things but for whatever reason it hasn't tended to happen. But we have spent days with each other and not drank. The 'arguing', the last couple of times he's stayed over he's woken me up in the night, the last time by wanting sex, and I've got ratty about it as I've been working the next day.

Just writing this is actually making me feel better that I haven't donr anything wrong...

Anyway, just last weekend we were making plans til pretty much the end of the year, he told me he wanted to meet my family, so we made plans for that, and then a few days later he's ended things over a miss-understood text message.

My last relationship was quite abusive and I opened up a little about that - mainly to explain why I can be a bit closed off about somethings. He's now also said that I compared him to my ex, which again is true - but favourably!!

Is there anything in that which I'm missing as to if I'm being selfish / unreasonable? I'm aware I've been single for a bit, and not in a 'normal' relationship before that so may not be seeing things the way other would.

OP posts:
MrDarceysMistress · 22/10/2018 19:08

Sorry, wasn't meant to be that long. Thanks for reading :O

OP posts:
MrTrebus · 22/10/2018 19:10

Honestly who cares it was 3 months. It's done just move on you're clearly not meant to be.

CandyCreeper · 22/10/2018 19:14

Its 3 months?! just move on

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 22/10/2018 19:14

You've dodged a massive bullet. He sounds like an over sensitive toss pot. It won't get better. It will get worse.

You weren't unreasonable. You were yourself. He doesn't like that. So he's not for you.

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 22/10/2018 19:16

Hang on. I read it again. He woke you up for sex and got funny when you didn't want it?

No. Just no.

Whereismumhiding2 · 22/10/2018 19:16

Hmmm.

He sounds childish in how he responds to a genuine text and over reacting you/dumping you for expressing a view. (= How dare you have a view?! Don't do it next time!) .

Waking you up for sex in the night when you've an early start = self centred

Defending his behaviour that makes you feel uncomfortable by saying you're comparing him to your ex? = Negating your feelings (How dare you have feelings or a past!) .

Ps. You don't sound that into him. 3 months is the honeymoon phase. He's already showing you who he is.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/10/2018 19:16

Come on, get serious. This guy is a massive pain in the arse. Bin and run for the hills.

QuickPollPlease · 22/10/2018 19:17

I think your text was rude.

mediumbrownmug · 22/10/2018 19:17

I’d just move on. The relationship was young, and both of you were well within your rights to end it over anything at all anyway. It fizzled out due to mutual incompatiblity, not a misunderstanding. Let it go.

Rhondacross · 22/10/2018 19:17

Dump him.

MrDarceysMistress · 22/10/2018 19:18

I know it was only 3 months. I know I'm being a touch pathetic for letting it get to me. But was the first time I've committed to someone, for any length of time, in 3 years because I was so sure that 'next time I'll get it right'

OP posts:
MrDarceysMistress · 22/10/2018 19:19

@QuickPollPlease how do you see it as being rude? I really want to understand this

OP posts:
Whereismumhiding2 · 22/10/2018 19:19

Getting upset or making an issue when you are unhappy about being woken up for sex when you're asleep/have an early start next day. = Huge red flag

arethereanyleftatall · 22/10/2018 19:20

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone like that. I'd move on.

Teaandbiscuits35 · 22/10/2018 19:20

You clearly aren’t compatible so cut your losses and be glad it’s over.

libbyhilljones · 22/10/2018 19:21

He sounds like a typical man baby to be honest. Dodged a bullet, you've done nothing wrong! Cut your losses and move on :)

hammeringinmyhead · 22/10/2018 19:26

I think the fundamental incompatibility here with the texts (not even the rest of it) is that he's a bit dull and can't think of anything else to text other than asking what you're up to all day long, whereas you would prefer nothing to banal repetitive texts.

QuickPollPlease · 22/10/2018 19:28

Op, would you have said that text to his face? Or turn it round, you tell him about something that happened that you want to share and he tells you that he doesn't need to hear all the details.

Agree with everyone else, you are not compatible.

MrDarceysMistress · 22/10/2018 19:31

@QuickPollPlease yes I think I can honestly say I would. And I should have because I meant it in a light hearted 'you don't have to report in to me' way, which would have come across a lot better face to face

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 22/10/2018 19:31

I’m clearly in the minority but I think your message to him was actually pretty shitty and unkind.

yousimplyhavetobethesedays · 22/10/2018 19:36

I think your message was a little mean and I would have taken it badly but then that's the trouble with text messages, it's very hard to portray emotion.

Poor bloke though, just on text message thing, if he never text or asked how you were that would be wrong too!

1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 22/10/2018 19:48

I think he raises a bunch of red flags and you're well off out of it this early. Those texts don;t sound sweet to me, they sound like early stages of control - "where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with?" Ugh
Run away and count yourself lucky you saw his true colours earlyish on xxx

HeckyPeck · 22/10/2018 19:54

He sounds annoying. Cut and run.

Mulberry72 · 22/10/2018 19:58

He’s showing you who he is OP. Listen, & run.......

Brot64 · 22/10/2018 20:09

Let him go. He's an attention seeker. Trust me he's done you a huge favour. I once dated someone as sensitive as he sounds who use to overwhelm me with his daily activities every day and there was nothing more exhausting than it. I felt like I was constantly under pressure to respond even when I didn't want to, worse still he would explain everything even his jokes! It was awful and after 4 months it was a goodbye from me. Aged me a bit too lol