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AIBU?

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Original poster

Unbiased advice needed... (relationship breakup)

51 replies

MrDarceysMistress · 22/10/2018 19:07

Tried to do this in a Person A/B anonymous way but felt it was way too clear who I was. So I'll do it from my perspective but promise I'll try and just keep to the facts...

So we've been seeing each other 3 months. All to me seemed to be going brilliantly. Couple of minor annoyances - as you always have - one of which was that he text me a lot in the way of 'I'm doing blah blah blah, what are you doing?'. This would be a few times a day. Not something I'm used to and I felt it put me on the spot a bit as a lot of the time I'm sat there with my phone in my hand thinking 'sat on the sofa scratching me arse??' Not a massive thing at all but made me feel just a wee under pressure.

So role on to Friday night, had a few post work drinks and get a similar message. I respond with 'you don't have to tell me everything you do in the day in detail smiley face kiss' Well that was it. Get a message telling me What I say is hurtful, And if I don't like me telling what I've done with my day, in detail or not, then perhaps I won't tell you anything at all and we should call it a day'. I react to this by saying 'if you're going to over-react to that fine I couldn't agree more' (admit I shouldn't have done that). He tells me I've really upset him so quote 'think on that*

Anyway, so next day I message not exactly and apology but an olive branch by saying 'are we going to talk about this?' to which I get a 'no sorry I might say something I regret and I don't want to spoil my weekend' (important family occasion). So I leave it til last night to do the 'what the fuck just happened' message and it turns out he didn't agree with the fact that the last time we met I'd asked him not to talk over me (not disagree as in with what I said, but he disagreed he did it), that me sending the 'you don't have to tell me about your day in detail' was incredibly rude and upsetting, that the last couple of times we've seen each other we've argued and that he doesn't like how we always drink when we're together.

I'll give him the drinking, he doesn't earn much so a lot of our night have been me cooking a meal with wine. We've discussed doing other things but for whatever reason it hasn't tended to happen. But we have spent days with each other and not drank. The 'arguing', the last couple of times he's stayed over he's woken me up in the night, the last time by wanting sex, and I've got ratty about it as I've been working the next day.

Just writing this is actually making me feel better that I haven't donr anything wrong...

Anyway, just last weekend we were making plans til pretty much the end of the year, he told me he wanted to meet my family, so we made plans for that, and then a few days later he's ended things over a miss-understood text message.

My last relationship was quite abusive and I opened up a little about that - mainly to explain why I can be a bit closed off about somethings. He's now also said that I compared him to my ex, which again is true - but favourably!!

Is there anything in that which I'm missing as to if I'm being selfish / unreasonable? I'm aware I've been single for a bit, and not in a 'normal' relationship before that so may not be seeing things the way other would.

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 22/10/2018 20:16

I don't think your text was mean at all. How utterly boring he must be if the only thing he can text about is what he has done since you last texted and asking what you have done. I would rather watch paint dry, added to which he's a sex pest, I reckon he's done you a favour.

Onwards and upwards OP.

Nopuns · 22/10/2018 21:13

Your text was rude and you didn't like him much anyway. Learn from it and move on .

SparklyLeprechaun · 22/10/2018 21:19

He sounds like hard work and very self centered. Move on.

TeddybearBaby · 22/10/2018 21:49

I’d feel like a fool if you sent me that message. You probably dented his ego. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is lacking in confidence actually. He sounds childish though in his reaction. Doesn’t sound like you want it to be over. What outcome are you hoping for?

HeckyPeck · 22/10/2018 21:51

I would rather watch paint dry, added to which he's a sex pest, I reckon he's done you a favour.

Yep!

TrippingTheVelvet · 22/10/2018 22:01

You were rude in that text. And again admonishing him like that. I'd be fucked off too and probably end it. He shouldn't be huffing about sex though.

Mybackhurts1 · 22/10/2018 22:04

Walk away don’t look back YANBU - you’ve done nothing wrong he sounds like a knob to me!

Armadillostoes · 22/10/2018 22:11

OP he sounds like a nightmare. Whether or not the text was open to misinterpretation And hurt his feelings, his reaction was childish and pathetic. More seriously his sex pest behaviour is a massive red flag. You are best off out of this one.

JoyfulMystery · 22/10/2018 22:19

I do think your text could be interpreted as rude. You say you clearly meant to say light-heartedly that he didn’t have to account for every minute of his day, but your post suggests you actually hate him asking you what you’re doing because it makes you feel defensive and dull, and I think that sharpness comes through in your text, smilies aside.

I think this exchange, and your other information suggests you’re fundamentally incompatible. It shouldn’t be that hard at three months.

Ellisandra · 22/10/2018 22:28

Your text wasn’t awful, but it was on the rude side. It’s all very well to say it was light hearted - but it wasn’t really. You don’t like that many texts. You wanted him to stop. Light hearted would be if you were fine with it and teasing him. When it’s a serious attempt to stop him whilst avoiding actually being serious about it, it’s not truly light hearted. Adding emojis to it doesn’t actually automatically make it light hearted.

That’s just to give you my perspective on the text.

BUT... don’t lose any sleep over it!

  • you’re not compatible
  • his reaction was out of proportion
  • he’s shown you in other ways that he’s a total arsehole! Never EVER give a second chance to a man who wakes you up for sex and is moody when you say no.
Smallhorse · 22/10/2018 22:30

Your text was rude

Djnoun · 22/10/2018 22:35

I agree that your text was rude.

Being woken up for sex when you've got work the next day is really annoying.

Six of one and half a dozen of the other if you ask me.

Amlen · 22/10/2018 22:38

@MrDarceysMistress he sounds like another potential to be abusive kind of guy. Don't settle, the fact that you're positing on her about this situation says it all. Deep down you know it was wrong, trust what your gut instinct is telling you. You committed but probably to the wrong person. Keep looking and consciously date, I. E someone who is geniuenly on your wavelength in terms of what you value most. Should flow naturally from there.

GabriellaMontez · 22/10/2018 22:43

Move on. You're not compatible. He doesn't sound very nice either.

Armchairanarchist · 22/10/2018 22:44

It really shouldn't be that hard at three months. Move on.

C0untDucku1a · 22/10/2018 22:48

Your text was rude but his reaction was ridiculous.

Just end it.

Sparklesocks · 22/10/2018 22:57

It really shouldn’t be this difficult so early in, you should be in the honeymoon period. It doesn’t bode well that it’s already hard work.

SassitudeandSparkle · 22/10/2018 22:59

He doesn't sound a great loss tbh OP, but I thought your text was a bit rude and I don't think the smiley face kiss at the end helped. You were having a bit of a go at him there. However - his reaction was completely OTT and as I said, he's no loss by the sound of it!

This all sounds like incredibly hard work for only three months, so I'd say you've followed his advice to 'think on it' and have decided against it for now! Lucky escape for you!

eightoclock · 22/10/2018 23:05

I don't think the relationship will work out and the constant texting would annoy me too.
But - do you not know to never ever say anything negative in writing? Always face to face or possibly by phone. Sending nasty texts is not a nice thing to do and you don't know how the person will interpret it. Just ignore texts if you are busy.
Secondly about the sex thing - 3 months in being woken for sex is pretty normal. As long as he takes no for an answer I think you may have to put up with this.
From the way you are getting annoyed and criticising him, it sounds like you aren't that keen otherwise you would overlook these small things in the early stages. But if you do actually like him, I think you need to communicate gently and honestly and be a bit more tolerant of minor things

outtathelefteyei · 22/10/2018 23:05

I don't think your text was rude.

I think some people responding on these boards like to think they are a bit sassy, "telling it like it is", when what they really are is a bunch of Katie Hopkins style goady cunts.

On an unrelated note that guy is clearly a total prick. Fuck him off asap and free yourself up for someone who is worth worrying about.

Maelstrop · 22/10/2018 23:06

Woke you up because he wanted sex and overshares and gets upset when you don’t want loads of texts about HIM?? Major red flags for me.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 23/10/2018 09:47

Please don't over-analyse this. You're just a bad fit. It's not meant to be.

Maybe have a think about your drinking, though.

Original poster
MrDarceysMistress · 24/10/2018 13:24

Thanks for the responses. Couple of days of licking my wounds and I’m seeing this a bit clearer. This is a (quite good looking, socially fine, intelligent) guy in his early 30’s who’s longest ever relationship has been 4 and a bit months. He didn’t have ‘crazy ex’ stories (I watch out for those!) but he did have a pattern of ‘selfish’ ex’s who were all apparently not very nice people. Guess I’m going down in the records as yet another one...
Live and learn

OP posts:
SassitudeandSparkle · 24/10/2018 13:45

Longest relationship has been 4 and a bit months, and you're having issues after 3 months? Well, that seems to be all running on schedule! I think you've made the right decision OP, onwards and upwards. You deserve better.

Piffle11 · 24/10/2018 13:55

Crikey, run for the hills! You've dodged a massive bullet: he reminds me of my ex, who always wanted to know what I was doing, where I was … and turned out to be a paranoid control freak. The first year at least should be great, and yet there are red flags already. it will get worse, not better.

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