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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep this to myself

29 replies

user1473756940 · 22/10/2018 11:48

I have a 12yo DD. Her father hasn't seen her in 2 years. If you asked him he would say that I have stopped him seeing her but the truth is I told him he would have to have supervised access as the last time he saw her he refused to bring her home, made up accusations of abuse and I had to get the police involved. He refused to be supervised and so hasn't seen her. I haven't heard from him in over 12 months and no longer have a way of contacting him as the number I have doesn't work and I don't know where he lives as he had previously refused to provide an address.

DD obviously does miss him as he is her Dad and she loves him but it doesn't seem to bother her too much. She seems a lot more settled than she was when she was seeing him, because it was always inconsistent, he let her down etc.

I have been told (and now shown) by a friend, posts on social media of him selling all his worldly possessions as he is moving and leaving the country. Good riddance as far as I am concerned.

But should I tell DD? Is ignorance bliss?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 22/10/2018 11:50

I'd leave it and see if it actually happens first.

Original poster

user1473756940 · 22/10/2018 11:56

But if it does actually happen then he's gone and that's that.

Which in some respects great, problem solved. But what if DD wants or needs to say goodbye.

OP posts:

itswinetime · 22/10/2018 11:56

no i Wouldn't tell her you don't know whats happening apart from that he is selling stuff on face book and claiming he is going abroad. It dosen't mean its true.

For your DD's sake is there a mutual party who could reach out to him and see if he wants to write a letter/email something to your DD so she has some kind of closure. I don't think she will feel Ignorance is bliss in the future.

Spankyoumuchly · 22/10/2018 11:59

That point has been and gone. To not see your dc for a year must mean you aren't bothered about keeping them in your life. I can't understand people like him. How can you just ghost your dc?

selfidentifyinggiraffe · 22/10/2018 12:01

Hard one. Morally I would want my child to know. Practically I wouldn't risk them being back in contact till after its happened in case he then left the country with her. I know she's 12 and not stupid but plenty of parents have done it pretending it's a holiday and they'll get to come home

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/10/2018 12:05

Practically I wouldn't risk them being back in contact till after its happened in case he then left the country with her. I know she's 12 and not stupid but plenty of parents have done it pretending it's a holiday and they'll get to come home That's a very good point. Safety of your daughter must come first.

Original poster

user1473756940 · 22/10/2018 12:06

I know he is awful and I could write a book on the millions of reasons why.

I just feel that by deliberately withholding the information it could be seen by her (maybe in the future) as depriving her of a chance to say goodbye or something.

As her Mum I don't think it would be in her best interest to do so because it could open a massive can of worms that could cause her a lot of upset whilst she seems to acceptant of the current situation.

But I don't want to be made out to be the bad guy at some point.

OP posts:

TooTrueToBeGood · 22/10/2018 12:09

Waat exactly could she do with the knowledge that he's leaving the country if you told her? I suspect there's really little or nothing she can do other than feel even more abandoned by him. Sometimes ignorrance is bliss.

Ariela · 22/10/2018 12:10

If your friend hadn't told you, you wouldn't know would you?

JollyAndBright · 22/10/2018 12:13

It’s been two years and you said it yourself, she’s settled and not bothered about not seeing him.
Yes it probably hurts her that he is a shitty father and chooses not to see her but you can’t change that.

Telling her will do nothing but cause her pain, he’s leaving and choosing not to say goodbye, putting further distance between them.
Usually I think it’s best to tell them things in an age appropriate way, but in this case since nothing good can be gained from her knowing I would not tell her.

WorraLiberty · 22/10/2018 12:19

Do NOT make yourself responsible for his behaviour.

If he wants to say goodbye to his DD then he'll make that happen.

sheldonstwin · 22/10/2018 12:21

He obviously isn't fussed about telling your DD that he's off, so I would let sleeping dogs lie if I were you. Anyway, in years to come if she wants to find him and visit him, the world is a shrinking place: It wouldn't be so difficult to locate him and hop on a plane for a visit.

twoshedsjackson · 22/10/2018 12:26

All you have seen so far are posts on social media without specific details; if the posts talked in specific terms (e.g. off to Australia in the New Year) it might be worth finding out a bit more. For all you know, he's just having a clearout to raise funds. The only information you have is at one remove, and he has made no moves to let you, or her, know where he is or what he's up to, despite his earlier protestations.
You know he's already moved on once; how did DD take this news? You could tell her that you've heard at second hand that he's moving on again, but you (quite genuinely) have no way of contacting him. With the information that you have, she can't contact him to say goodbye anyway. If she reacts with sadness, offer your support and sympathy; she must know who gives her the love and stability in her life.
That way, she won't feel that you're keeping her in the dark, and if he surfaces at a later date, she is less likely to believe whatever made-up storyline he tries to feed her.

Lollyice · 22/10/2018 12:26

Find a way to contact him and ask him. Don't let him leave without saying goodbye.
DB hadn't seen his son for 14 years, DB went 'missing' for the last 10 years although we found out where he was working (long story)
Anyway, DB was found dead in the summer, he'd had a massive heart attack aged 41.
At the funeral DN realised his mum knew where he was and was upset /angry he hadn't been told. He hadn't seen him for years but then wasn't given the choice.
Don't put yourself in the position that you are the bad guy down the line.

Original poster

user1473756940 · 22/10/2018 12:35

I do know which country as this was mentioned in the post, and it is the other side of the world.

I just feel for my DD and feel so sad for her, she deserves better from him and it breaks my heart.

I have also tried to keep lines of communication open if he wanted to, I have passed my details on to his family members in case he needs or wants to get in touch. But I never hear anything back. We haven't moved he knows where we live etc. so if we don't hear anything he has chosen not to say goodbye and I can't imagine how that would feel to a 12yo for a parent to do that to you.

I think I will have to keep it to myself at least for now. If he gets in contact which I doubt he will then that will of course force my hand.

OP posts:

selfidentifyinggiraffe · 22/10/2018 12:41

I had to learn myself (and still struggle accepting it) you cannot MAKE someone a decent person or parent

They already have found a way to justify it to themselves and you'll go mad trying to understand whatever insane logic helps them sleep at night

No matter how much you daydream you could, for the sake of your child

It is His responsibility. And I've found when you tell some men dicks what they should be doing, even by gentle reasonable suggestion... they go out of their way to avoid doing it and come up with more insane logic to continue sleeping at night

IStandWithPosie · 22/10/2018 12:43

I’m in a very similar situation OP. I wouldn’t tell my DC, it would only hurt them further.

rosablue · 22/10/2018 12:48

Are there any practical things that you need to sort out before he goes - getting permission to get a passport or vaccinations or travel or school or change her surname or anything else (sorry, no idea what else though!)

It's just you see posts on here where posters can't do things because they need permission from the other parent and that person either won't sign or can't be found or so on, giving them grief. Might be worth seeing if there are other posters on here who could give you an idea of anything that could help you if he does disappear (even if just a letter to let you travel alone with your dd for example) and get that sorted before he goes so you don't have any problems down the line.

Might be easier said than done I know. But easier to sort out now if you know about it and he is an hour's drive away (or even 6 hours away) rather than living down under!

chaoscategorised · 22/10/2018 12:57

I'd gently go against the grain here, having been in a similarish position as a child, and say that you're right - your DD may well at some point paint you to be the bad guy. It may be more out of hurt and anger at her dad, but she will still feel 'robbed' of a chance to come to terms with in in her own head. If you can, can you ask the friend to pass a message to her dad, explaining that you've seen he's leaving and want him to contact DD to let her know?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 22/10/2018 13:03

Will she need, for any legal document, his authorisation on any forms etc.? If there is this possibility, I'd try to reconnect just to get the paperwork done.

Original poster

user1473756940 · 22/10/2018 13:18

I hadn't really thought about that to be honest.

But she has my surname, and I've managed to get a passport for her in the last 12 months without being able to contact him. We've also enrolled her in her secondary school without him or his details.

So I can't think of anything that might come up legally but someone does please let me know because that hadn't even entered my head

OP posts:

selfidentifyinggiraffe · 22/10/2018 13:22

I need permission to go abroad.

I got the passport fine. But while he has PR you need permission unless you have it already court ordered she lives with you

Original poster

user1473756940 · 22/10/2018 13:27

We went abroad this year, didn't have his permission and didn't have any issues. I do have a residency order. Again, really didn't think about that I probably should have took a copy of the order with me when we travelled but it didn't cross my mind.

He's been so absent for so long that it generally doesn't enter my head that he exists until something like this comes along.

OP posts:

PavlovianLunge · 22/10/2018 13:29

This has to be a concern, particularly with his track record. It’s one thing getting your DD back from within the UK, quite another getting her back from the far side of the globe.

I know these things are far from black and white, but what do you think your DD would say/want if you told her?

Also, it may be the other side of the world, but there will still be ways of maintaining contact, if he wants (badly enough) to make the effort.

Thehop · 22/10/2018 13:32

If she has your surname you won’t have any problem going abroad.

My son is about to finish high school and we’ve had zero issues due to his vanished father.

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