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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Say no to BIL

50 replies

Mummsnett · 21/10/2018 20:40

My partners brother (bil) is, IMO, a d**k. He's 27, arrogant and rude (especially to his own family). He's regarded as a real ladies man and is popular, and to his parents he's the golden boy who can do no wrong. They never pull him up on his disrespectful behaviour, so in reality it's no wonder he's the way he is.
We had a baby a few months ago, the first on both sides, and he was to come stay this weekend to spend time with us.
In reality it turns out he used our house as a base for a date. He was away all day Saturday with some mystery girl, and when he returned late afternoon he (as usual) had nothing to tell us, or ask us, and instead blanked us and played with the baby. We went out for dinner (which tbh he paid for) but he literally had nothing to say to us during the meal, and after trying several ways to drag conversation out of him we gave up. It started to feel like an interrogation since our questions only got one word answers!
AIBU to stop him staying with us anymore? I come from a family that loves to share stories and have a laugh together, so I can't get my head around him having so little interest that he can't even hold a conversation with us. My partner takes the opinion that his brother is just shy, which if he wasn't so arrogant I might possibly believe! His mum has mentioned before that she worries he's depressed, so it wouldn't go down well if we said he couldn't come over, but I just feel like it's turning a blind eye to his behaviour by letting him stay even though he's rude (IMO).

OP posts:

MsOliphant · 21/10/2018 20:43

He played with the baby and bought you dinner.

What did you want him to do, sit on the sofa all day

He’s not great at conversation but your examples of why you don’t want him around are piss-weak.

onalongsabbatical · 21/10/2018 20:44

If he played with the baby and paid for dinner he can't be all bad, surely?

Jackshouse · 21/10/2018 20:44

BIL came to stay with you and while he was there he went to see some one else, played with the baby and took you out to dinner but you are not happy because he is not good at conversation? You want to ban your DH brother from staying at your joint house because your BIL is not good at conversing? I think YABU.

MsOliphant · 21/10/2018 20:45

Also, FYI, as you seem to have reached adulthood without grasping this- not all families behave in the same way.

Dollymixture22 · 21/10/2018 20:47

I think you should put up with it. He doesn’t have that social skills, but he’s not the worst. He played with tha baby and paid for dinner. Yes he wen out on a date and was secretive, but that’s not really the worst thing a family member can do.

He might grow up, he might not, but he is your other half’s brother, and it could be a lot worse!!

SpottingTheZebras · 21/10/2018 20:49

I would say that playing with the baby and taking you out for a meal he paid for is making an effort. Why don’t you reassess after a few more visits?

Original poster

Mummsnett · 21/10/2018 20:49

I totally get families all have different dynamics, I just can't imagine going and staying in someone's house and not chatting with them or being interested in their life. Or not giving them a heads-up that I was going to be meeting someone else so not make plans around me.
We obviously offered to pay for dinner after finding out he already had.
Maybe I just am demanding too much to imagine conversation is a normal thing to expect!

OP posts:

LemonSqueezy0 · 21/10/2018 20:50

Sounds a bit like you resent how he is treated by your PIL and that perhaps you feel your own husband should be the golden boy? Does he (and by extension you)" miss out" on anything because of your BIL being popular?!

Going by the OP, you ABU...

MsOliphant · 21/10/2018 20:50

You can’t ban a family member from your house because they’re a bit rubbish at making conversations. You are being ridiculous.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 21/10/2018 20:53

You describe him as a dick because he is quiet and didn’t spend the whole weekend with you?

Honestly if he is 27 and doesn’t have any children of his own then I think it’s quite good that he was playing with the baby, and buying you dinner was nice too.

It sounds like your family are big sharers and your DP’s family maybe just aren’t?

girlywhirly · 21/10/2018 20:55

I hate spoilt brats. Do his parents know he buggered off all Saturday with some anonymous girl, and would they still consider him shy after that? Not sure why your DP thinks that.

There is nothing that DP’s parents can do if you and DP are ‘busy’ and BIL can’t come to stay.You don’t have to entertain such a rude individual.

MsOliphant · 21/10/2018 20:55

WTF would his parents care about him going on a date during the day, he’s 27 not 13.

Redken24 · 21/10/2018 20:59

He doesn't sound bad at all. Made the effort with the kid, paid for dinner, stayed out of your way (conscious of family time probably)
If you want more of conversation with him then probably start with being less judgey and quick to write him off.
Sorry I think he sounds quite normal for a single 27 yr old guy.

MacosieAsunter · 21/10/2018 21:00

From the OP - He's regarded as a real ladies man and is popular

Im sure in the right company he is witty and sparkling. But he knows you don't like him.

Antigon · 21/10/2018 21:03

He played with the baby and bought you dinner.

What did you want him to do, sit on the sofa all day confused

He’s not great at conversation but your examples of why you don’t want him around are piss-weak.

I agree with this. If he was rude to you then it would be different.

Why would you stop your DH having having his brother come to stay? Hownwould you likemit if DH said you can't have your sibling or parents can't stay?

WorraLiberty · 21/10/2018 21:03

You obviously don't like him.

He likes his brother and it sounds as though he likes the baby too.

It's quite possible that he's quiet around you because the feeling's mutual.

He clearly doesn't struggle around other people if he's popular and a ladies man.

MadameButterface · 21/10/2018 21:06

He sounds nice enough - he played with the baby and paid for dinner. Your baby is his niece or nephew and they are entitled to a relationship with him. Some people aren’t great at conversation, some people are awkward or socially anxious, when they’re related to you you can’t just sack them off. I’m guessing from the tone of your post and how you talk about him that if he had stayed around yours all day saturday he’d have been ‘under your feet’ and ‘expecting to be entertained’ etc, you just don’t like him it sounds like.

Biancadelriosback · 21/10/2018 21:07

I'm sorry I don't see what he did wrong

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 21/10/2018 21:13

You don't have to get your head around him not being good at conversation. Don't be a spoilt brat, demanding he does everything the way YOUR family does. He plays with your baby and takes you out for dinner. He has shown an interest in your family in his actions.

I also suspect that he knows you don't like him, and I'm afraid you really don't sound very nice.

Gemini69 · 21/10/2018 21:13

Yes he's a DICK.. tell him not to come back until he can hold an adult conversation... or until the baby can reply...

steff13 · 21/10/2018 21:15

I agree with PP; he doesn't sound bad to me.

Howhot · 21/10/2018 21:18

YABU. He played with the baby and bought you dinner. His brother says he's shy and his mum is worried he's depressed. I would trust they know him better than you. Cut him some slack

greendale17 · 21/10/2018 21:24

He's 27, arrogant and rude (especially to his own family). He's regarded as a real ladies man and is popular, and to his parents he's the golden boy who can do no wrong. They never pull him up on his disrespectful behaviour, so in reality it's no wonder he's the way he is.

^He sounds like a dick

Bambamber · 21/10/2018 21:27

Maybe he realises that you don't like him so he doesn't want to bother with you

7salmonswimming · 21/10/2018 21:31

Honestly, I think you may be the problem! You: chatty, have expectations, new mother to a pfb on both sides, older than him, judgemental.
Him: 27, single, child free, quiet, plays with niece/nephew, pays for dinner.
Clear to me which one of you is putting the other off!

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