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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Say no to BIL

50 replies

Mummsnett · 21/10/2018 20:40

My partners brother (bil) is, IMO, a d**k. He's 27, arrogant and rude (especially to his own family). He's regarded as a real ladies man and is popular, and to his parents he's the golden boy who can do no wrong. They never pull him up on his disrespectful behaviour, so in reality it's no wonder he's the way he is.
We had a baby a few months ago, the first on both sides, and he was to come stay this weekend to spend time with us.
In reality it turns out he used our house as a base for a date. He was away all day Saturday with some mystery girl, and when he returned late afternoon he (as usual) had nothing to tell us, or ask us, and instead blanked us and played with the baby. We went out for dinner (which tbh he paid for) but he literally had nothing to say to us during the meal, and after trying several ways to drag conversation out of him we gave up. It started to feel like an interrogation since our questions only got one word answers!
AIBU to stop him staying with us anymore? I come from a family that loves to share stories and have a laugh together, so I can't get my head around him having so little interest that he can't even hold a conversation with us. My partner takes the opinion that his brother is just shy, which if he wasn't so arrogant I might possibly believe! His mum has mentioned before that she worries he's depressed, so it wouldn't go down well if we said he couldn't come over, but I just feel like it's turning a blind eye to his behaviour by letting him stay even though he's rude (IMO).

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 21/10/2018 21:33

MsOliphant, if the BIL disappeared off without a word while staying at his brothers I’d consider that rude. It seems as though the OP has some knowledge of what BIL is like, and which his parents seem oblivious to. Maybe BIL felt obliged to pay for dinner, but why would he then hardly say anything throughout? I’d expect a 27yo to have developed sufficient social skills to hold a conversation, even if he had to deflect interest from things he would rather not discuss. But he still comes out of it a hero because he played with the baby.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/10/2018 21:34

I agree that if he was planning on being gone for a large portion of his visit it would have been proper to let you know ahead of time. But I'd also say it's perfectly normal to go on a date and not want to provide a blow by blow to family. And some people are (for whatever reason) not good at idle chit-chat. My own brother is really bad at it and when he comes once the basics are covered (that takes about 20 minutes) we often sit in silence (and turn on the TV).

TBH, I don't see what he's done that's so bad, other than be uncommunicative. What subjects did you introduce, or were you only asking him about himself? There's no rule that says he needs to share everything about himself.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 21/10/2018 21:34

YABU, he may struggle to know what to ask you or what to talk about with you. He played with your baby and took you out for dinner! Maybe he thought he was under your feet and needed to get out the house. Not everyone is chatty and considering you've said he's not settled and you are, what do you have in common to talk about? Give the bloke a break and don't judge him for being a slut.

IzzyGrey · 22/10/2018 00:22

Maybe he's just ... Not interested in your life? I mean that in the nicest way possible but as a young, single guy, a married couples with a baby is probably quite a dull/alien concept to him at the moment - I know that when I was young and single I felt a bit bored around settled down couples and would rather have been out having fun with friends. I think he sounds like he made an effort, not only coming to stay but also buying dinner and playing with the baby. Maybe he just doesn't have much to say to you? Maybe he's shy? Maybe he doesn't feel that he knows you well (I have also felt like that with family - we are related so try to see them but really we have nothing in common and I don't really know them that well and if we weren't relatsdad probably wouldn't spend time together - you know?) At least he made the effort. IMO you'd be massively unreasonable if you said he can't come round to you house anymore (which would probably cause real upset and offence not only to him but also your husband and his parents/siblings who might be angry on his behalf, especially if your reason why is that he doesn't talk enough!

lboogy · 22/10/2018 00:42

Maybe he doesn't want you knowing his business? Not everyone likes to chat the way you evidently do. Besides, you're his sil- his brother's wife. If not for his brother he'd have no relationship with you so it's possible he's not into making conversation with you

lboogy · 22/10/2018 00:45

And yes you're being utterly ridiculous. It's your husband's brother. You can't ban him unless you've got a legitimate reason which so far you do not

TooMuchTidying · 22/10/2018 01:03

Wow I think you're looking for fault with this guy. He sounds ok to me.

YABU, everyone is different. He's not going to confirm to your ideas of 'laughing and sharing stories' but he's a social guy, who made an effort to spend time with you (when clearly he could have been out with pretty girls instead) played with your baby, shouted you dinner.

Change your expectations and appreciate him for who he is.

happychange · 22/10/2018 01:19

Maybe he got dumped during the date and as a result was really upset and grumpy!

dreamyflower · 22/10/2018 07:01

My BIL doesn't talk much when he visits but neither does my DH's family. Doesn't bother me- he plays with my ds when he visits and ds loves him. Some people are just quieter than others. Some people don't do small talk. I think the most important thing is your bil is being an involved uncle. He played with your baby. I would be more annoyed if he ignored baby and chatted all afternoon.

EK36 · 22/10/2018 07:11

He played with the baby then buys dinner! Wow..think thats good. Maybe he's not a talker..just quiet. I think it's good he goes out in the day, wouldn't want him under my feet!

greendale17 · 22/10/2018 08:14

Wow what a guy- he paid for dinner and played with the baby.

Gazelda · 22/10/2018 08:19

How can you ban him from staying with you when your DP doesn't have a problem with him?
Why would you restrict the time your baby spends with their uncle?
You don't like him, I presume he's picked up on this.
Maybe he's shy? The more time you spend together, the more comfortable he will feel chatting with you.

BunsOfAnarchy · 22/10/2018 08:21

He doesnt like you. Simple as.

I have a SIL (DH sis) like this. Point blank ignores me when i even say hello. I couldnt understand this hostile behaviour because i come from a very close and very open and cheery family. But families are different.
I have accepted she clearly dislikes me. Ive made peace with it and moved on. You should too.

puzzledlady · 22/10/2018 08:25

OP - don’t be ridiculous. You just resent him for whatever silly reason and are looking for a reason to cut him out of your lives, maybe he’s picked up on your dislike for him and has decided not to try with you? Some people might just be quieter around some people you know? Not everyone is like your family. You sound like super hard work.

Singlenotsingle · 22/10/2018 08:32

Why did he come and stay with you for the weekend anyway? Was it his suggestion? Did you invite him? If it didn't go well, maybe he won't want to come back again anyway.

Kintan · 22/10/2018 08:42

I agree with the pp- he probably has picked up on you disliking him and so feels awkward around you hence the lack of conversation. I don’t think it’s up to you to decide whether or not your husband’s family are welcome in your home - doesn’t your husband get a say?

Birdsgottafly · 22/10/2018 08:43

"just can't imagine going and staying in someone's house and not chatting with them or being interested in their life"

I'm from a Family that doesn't share the ins and outs of each others lives. We chat, but we can find common ground. Perhaps that's what he struggles with, finding common ground.

He's Interested in a relationship with his Niece, he should be allowed that and your DD deserves that.

You don't like him. It would have helped if you would have given evidence of why that is, because your OP certainly didn't.

He may be realising that he is coming across as arrogant, or you are misreading him, so ge reigned himself in, but he still can't win with you.

What does your DH say about it?

MyBrexitIsIll · 22/10/2018 08:58

There is rubbish at making conversations and being rude.

Ignoring your hosts (whatever you do incl playing with the baby) or only answering with one word sentences is rude sorry. And so is using their house only as a base with no real wish or intentions to spend time with the OP and her DH.

Been rubbish at conversation is not knowing what to say, not answering the question but something else or giving a quick two short sentences and then going blank. Or just chatting for a bit.

Fwiw I do struggle to find any common ground with my SIL. So is H. The result is that we don’t see each other unless it’s a family occasion organised by my PIL. I can’t see the issue with te OP wanting to reduce contact with her BIL just because of that.
If I felt used in the top of it, then it would be a no-no

TheWiseWomansFear · 22/10/2018 09:01

Well, annoying as it is that's just his way and I think it dramatic to ban your BiL.

I find my ILs very hard work to converse with, not because they're not lovely generous people, but because we're just very very different and have different interests and communicative styles. I stick with it (most bloody Sunday's) because they're my DPs family and he loves them.

Sadly I think you have to suck it up, buttercup x

Unhappyandmiddleaged · 22/10/2018 09:14

You said in your OP he displays disrespectful behaviour. Can you tell us more about this? I am wondering if you have got him all wrong he perhaps is just shy and maybe comes across as a bit standoffish. My DD2 can be like that sometimes as she is not super chatty.

Birdsgottafly · 22/10/2018 09:50

"or only answering with one word sentences is rude sorry"

But if what you are answering with is perceived as arrogance, then you limited your conversation.

The OP's gets a say in this, but it's unfair to limit contact from a child, unless there is very good reason. It's strange how it's always the Paternal in laws who are less tolerated.

Bluelady · 22/10/2018 09:57

Shyness is often perceived as arrogance. He took you out to dinner and played with your baby, I can't see the problem. So, he's not like your family - there are different kinds of people in the world.

RedDrink · 22/10/2018 10:06

It could be as simple as you all having very little in common and some people hate making small talk.

My ex-SIL is a pleasant enough woman but we just had almost nothing in common. So there wasn't much chit chat ever.

TotHappy · 22/10/2018 10:10

People have been telling me my whole life that I'm Arrogant, Rude, Aloof, Snooty, Cold - I'm just shy! No not in all company, I have lots of friends too and have forged lots of successful relationships but if you see me in a situation I'm not comfortable in (school, new workplace) I've had to resign myself to the fact that I don't look shy, I look rude. It sounds to me like you're being far too harsh with your bil.

UnRavellingFast · 22/10/2018 10:38

Until I grew up a bit I was perceived as snobby or arrogant because I would sit there crippled with low self esteem and shyness, terrified to say a word because I thought it would be ‘stupid’ etc. Not saying this is the case with him but as pps have said, it does sound like you don’t want to look for good things about him. Tbh a houseguest who leaves me alone all day and buys me dinner would be welcomed but yes if he was more mature he should know to ask if it’s alright to be out during the day while staying with you- agree that was a bit rude. But not a deal breaker.

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