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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to worry about whether to do attachment parenting or not?

71 replies

pouraglasshalffull · 21/10/2018 18:11

I am due in March. My friends have recommended it to me and they say how great it is. They admit its hard work as baby constantly wants mum as opposed to anyone else, but they say its so rewarding and their babies are developing in leaps and bounds and are very happy babies

However, I have heard conflicting arguments that attachment parenting can often lead to spoilt and demanding children, and can be really hard and unnecessarily stressful on the mother

I will have to return to work after a year on mat leave, I have a high responsibility role at a secondary school which I love, so quitting is not an option for me, and I am worrying that this style of parenting may make it really hard on baby to adjust to life without me being there constantly

Thanks in advance for advice

OP posts:

Fortybingowings · 21/10/2018 21:30

Each to their own but personally I can't think of anything worse. I wanted to share the workload.

PoptartPoptart · 21/10/2018 21:34

Exactly LaurieMarlow - people like to brandish ‘attachment parenting’ about like it’s a new and exclusive concept.
All the original ‘theory’ says is that children form attachments with primary caregivers. It’s not rocket science.
When people talk about it these days it seems to mean ebf, cosleeping, constant sling wearing etc etc.
It doesn’t mean that at all.
It’s just a fancy (not so new) way of saying make sure you meet your babies needs and make it feel loved and secure.

OutComeTheWolves · 21/10/2018 21:43

Honestly I don't know anyone who follows one set method of parenting religiously. Everyone just sort of muddles along winging it and picking up whatever suits their family the best.

Sleeplikeasloth · 21/10/2018 21:54

Just parent in a way that feels natural to you.

These things aren't all our nothing anyway, take burs from whatever 'methods' you like, pick and mix style.

We formula fed by choice

-We bedshared for 6 months, and usually end up still bedsharing at 18m, though equally with both of us.

we use slings about 80% of the time at least, still as a toddler. But again, equally between parents
we shared parental leave.

Our daughter is quite clingy but also very happy and rarely cries etc. In some ways we are quite AP, in other ways really not. I'd say that because we have both spent a lot of time with her, that our bonds are very equal, which we find lovely but also a lot easier than it being all one parent all the time.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 21/10/2018 21:55

Just do... parenting.

DrWhy · 21/10/2018 21:55

We did some of all of the attachment parenting stuff but mixed it up with other things, for example used a pram as well as a sling and DH used it too. I think most people muddle along like this. I went back to work when DS was 9 months, he had a month at home with DH then went into nursery very happily. He is securely attached to both DH and I and is also very attached to some particular staff at nursery, it will all work out.

Pols10wp · 21/10/2018 21:59

I'd just focus on learning how to care for your baby's immediate needs; feeding, nappy changing, bathing, playing and comfort. By the time you've figured out how to do all this with your baby you will be well on your way to developing your own bespoke parenting style. Babies are little humans with their own unique personalities so one style doesnt fit all and you will learn as u go like we all have. It all sounds quite overwhelming but it's amazing how quickly you learn on the job what does and doesn't work for you all.

Sleeplikeasloth · 21/10/2018 22:02

If you do go down the full on AP route though, don't do what some people I know did. Mum didn't leave child for more than 30 mi s (even with dad) ever, child would only nap specially on her etc whilst feeding. Fine until child was suddenly put into nursery and understandably found it rather difficult to settle.

If you know you are going back to work, you need to keep the future in your plans - ie people I've heard of who suddenly realised that being a bottle refusing baby wasn't compatible with them going back at 4 months, maybe should have anticipated the problem more than the week before...

Jackshouse · 21/10/2018 22:09

A few related thoughts. I’m too tired to write coherently.

When your baby arrives you will just wing it anyway.

Attachment parenting is sometimes mixed up with submissive parenting. Attachment definitely requires parents to put boundaries in place and is not submissive parenting.

You don’t have to breast feed or use a sling for attachment parenting but many people do.

A baby will only really want their primary carer when they are upset no matter how they are parented. Remember Maslow reheus monkies?

Cosleeping works for lots of families because everyone often gets more sleep. Especially if you are working full time or long days many parents like to cosleep because that is there time with their child and they get more sleep.

Jackshouse · 21/10/2018 22:10

I would say we used attachment parenting and DD was fine in right nursery who allowed her to have 19 settling in sessions.

ShovingLeopard · 21/10/2018 22:13

It is optimal to bring your children up in a way that fosters secure attachment. Attachment Parenting is not necessary to achieve this. Good Enough Parenting is plenty good enough. Have a read up on DW Winnicott.

Fatted · 21/10/2018 22:14

The best parenting style I've followed is 'not really having a fucking clue what I'm doing but winging it day to day'. As long as everyone is fed and happy, then just do what you need to do each day to get through.

nutellanom · 21/10/2018 22:19

I don't think AP is something you decide to 'do' - most parents I know develop a parenting style that just fits them as a person (eg strict, gentle, etc) and then may find ideas like AP interesting and helpful (or not!). Just wait and see how things go once your baby is here

5foot5 · 21/10/2018 22:24

I will have to return to work after a year on mat leave, I have a high responsibility role at a secondary school which I love, so quitting is not an option for me,

So don't get yourself bogged down in something that makes being a parent even harder. It really won't make a difference.

I went back to work when DD was 9 months and she went to a very good nursery. She also came on "leaps and bounds", was a happy, sociable, well behaved child and the transition to school was easy because she was already used to fitting in with a group. She is now a fine, well balanced adult and we have a great relationship. Don't stress over some trendy theory you have to martyr yourself to. It's not necessary

LisaSimpsonsbff · 21/10/2018 22:26

I'm really glad I found this thread. I've felt a bit of guilt/anxiety about the fact that I thought I wanted to be a sort of (fairly watered down, admittedly - not least because DH and I are doing shared parental leave so I'm going back to work at six months) attachment parent, but 14 week old DS just doesn't seem into it - he prefers being on the floor wriggling to being held at least 70% of the time and has since birth, he sleeps better in his next to me cot than in our bed (and it means I don't panic about squashing him so I actually sleep!) and as of the last few weeks he seems to be going off the sling a bit as a place to sleep but he loves snoozing in his pram in the hallway - particularly if I put him down for naps at fairly consistent times of the day. I have occasionally wondered in the middle of the night if I'm so crap (but I'm trying, and I love him so much!) that he hasn't bonded to me because so much of the attachment parenting stuff goes on about how no properly bonded infant will ever willingly be away from its mother's arms. Reading this thread and seeing that other people also found their babies just weren't fully on board with the attachment parenting programme makes me feel so much better!

Ilovecookiedough · 21/10/2018 22:33

What's attachment parenting exactly?? I have 2 kids under 3 and have no idea what you are talking about. Sounds like you've swallowed a baby manual. Pretty sure you'll wing it like everyone does once the baby arrives.

StateofIndependance · 21/10/2018 22:34

There is Attachment Parenting and then there is attachment. They aren’t the same thing. Attachment Parenting requires the mother to be in almost constant physical contact with the child through cosleeping and use of slings, extended breastfeeding and so on.

That is different to the idea of attachment, which is that children need strong bonds with caregivers. This does not mean from the mother only, and it does not require the use of slings etc. It means having consistent caregivers who are emotionally reliable and responsive to the child. There are many ways of achieving this and actually the style of parenting does not matter as long as this is achieved.

rhnireland · 21/10/2018 22:35

My approach to parenting is very pragmatic. Do what works for you and your family. We certainly had elements of attachment parenting in our approach but I agree with other posters don't put the pressure on yourself.

Shower you baby with love, care and comfort in whatever way that works and don't feel guilty for not following a rule book!

ShovingLeopard · 21/10/2018 23:58

Exactly, StateofIndependance

willgiveitago · 22/10/2018 00:23

Neither of my babies even wanted to co-sleep! And while one of them wanted to be carried all the time, the other liked wriggling on a mat or being in his bouncy seat. I think it’s a bad idea to stick rigidly to one method. I guess I ended up doing a lot of “attachment” stuff with other bits thrown in. There is more than one way of bonding with your baby. The Sears stuff id watch out for - I think it can be damaging and guilt-tripping - if you ever let your baby cry for more than two seconds you’re deeply damaging them. I don’t love the way that the attachment parenting stuff can suggest that you’re not showing your baby love if you don’t breastfeed them / co-sleep /carry them. It’s so prescriptive as to what love looks like. Love looks like a mother gazing at her baby while she bottle feeds him, too! You can push your baby in a buggy but still spend lots of time playing and talking and making the baby feel loved. Beware of anything that tells you exact methods to follow , it’s just a way of getting parents to feel anxious.

ethelfleda · 22/10/2018 07:40

Don’t worry about spoiling your baby either. We followed many AP principles with DS (as they all suited us anyway) even down to him mainly having his naps on either one of us (we both enjoyed the cuddles!) he started nursery last week and on his first day they managed to put him down for a nap no problem. He is also settling in very well considering he has never really been away from me or DH since birth. He is nearly one. He has settled in to nursery amazingly well.

Also, in the article I posted up thread, it seems that trying to be a perfect parent is also detrimental. If you make mistakes, but then repair them, your bond is actually made stronger. It’s an interesting read.

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