Life after Cancer & Chemo

[JedATEA070968]

Hi all,

I’m brand new at this- so please excuse me if I do anything wrong.

I am a 33 year old Mum to 4 children (DS 13 DD 9 DS 6 DD 6- twins) & I was diagnosed this time last year with a blood cancer (Hodgkins Lymphoma).

I underwent 6 months of fortnightly Chemo infusions, which made all my hair fall out & made me very sick.

During this time, although I tried to be as brave as possible, and with the help
Of my loyal husband, my supportive family and amazing friends, my children saw, heard and had to understand things children should be protected from.

Words such as ‘chemo’ and ‘lymphoma’ became part of their every day vocabulary. I had a permanent line for my chemo (a PICC line in my arm, instead of having a cannula inserted over 2 weeks) & they learnt how to help me care for this & how to make sure it stayed dry and clean.

I feel so incredibly grateful that in May this year I had the amazing news that the chemo had worked & that I was in remission! (Huge huge huge relief)

My issue is this- during my treatment we got help from people you didn’t even know would care. Other school mums, neighbours, so many people. It was amazing. But, my in laws live in the same small town as us, a 5 min drive away & I didn’t see them once during my treatment.

They didn’t contact me, they didn’t help with the 4 children, they didn’t do anything. Apparently, they called my husband once a week,

Since I’ve finished chemo, I have been avoiding them. We weren’t close before I got poorly, a monthly visit for a cup of tea- but I have avoiding seeing them. I am hurt they didn’t support, care, help their Grand children,

Things came to blows with my husband on a Thursday- I’ve been called unreasonable because I am not seeing his parents. I explained how I felt, that I felt they could have done more to support their Grandchildren through the pain of watching their Mum fight for her life, but apparently I have to accept that they are just like that, & that was their choice. I’ve been told to suck it up & be civil!

I have made it clear that I would never expect my husband to stop seeing his parents, I would never stop the children from seeing them & I will never speak badly about his parents in front of, or to the children! But this isn’t enough. I’ve told my husband that my Illness is still very raw emotionally, & that hopefully one day I wil be able to forgive. This still isn’t enough.

I need impartial opinions. When I talk about it to my friends they agree with me, but are they just being polite? Do I need to suck this up? Would you expect help? I didn’t even know the day of the week half the time, let alone capable of asking for help, I didn’t have the physical energy or the mental capacity for it during chemotherapy. Other people just came & done what they could!

Please be honest (& sorry for any mistakes)

You feel hurt and angry by their lack of care. I don’t blame you. I would avoid them too. Your husband understandably doesn’t want there to be any issue, but there is one due to their lack of insight into their bad behaviour. Sure they didn’t need to help, but you don’t need to be okay with that either

Btw so glad to hear you’re in remission

Congratulations on remission :)

I would feel exactly the same. Unfortunately some people maybe are unable to show they care in obvious ways (I'm assuming your in laws do actually care about you?). Is it possible they felt they would be 'in the way' with so much going on? Or maybe they just felt completely awkward and not know how to react to this terrible situation for you and your family?

I would also feel very hurt - are you able to explain to them face to face that you felt a bit let down maybe? Or possibly that would make things worse? Tricky situation, but I would expect your DH to be more on your side than his parents

Thank you so much for you honestly (& the remission comment) ❤️❤️
I really appreciate it xx

Your husband is an arsehole. I can't believe he is asking you to "suck it up"

HTH

Glad to hear you are in remission. Long may it last

Congratulations OP. And fuck your in-laws. Assuming there's no massive backstory where you've tried to murder them or something, YANBU. They sound awful.

I’m a long time poster but have NC for this. I was diagnosed with cancer last January, and had treatment most of last year.

I largely kept my hair so largely kept my secret. My DC are at secondary and didn’t bandy the news around, which suited us all.

I told a handful of friends and family, and in the main people were amazing. MIL was shit. Really shit. So I guess I know where you’re coming from.

I was angry with her last year, and angry in general.

Since then, other stuff has happened in our family that’s even worse. Death, very serious illness of one of my children. Just when you think cancer is the worst that can happen, turns out it’s not.

I’ve not forgiven her. I still don’t like her or especially want to see her. But I’ll suck it up occasionally for the Greater Good. As long as it’s not for more than two hours, I’m not left alone with her & I have alcohol.

See her in your own time when you choose.

All the best op.

Brilliant that you are in remission.

Sorry to hear about your inlaws it's really odd that they haven't supported you. I would avoid them too.

OP and AnonCancer 

Oh I put flowers in my post, they're not there? Flowers for both of you.

Amazing news that you're in remission.

Im Sure you won't want to play the cancer card but personally I think you've earnt the right to tell anyone you want to fuck right off and not feel a jot of guilt!

Oh I'm so terribly sorry you've had to face this frightening ordeal. At any stage in life cancer is terrifying, but to be so young and with four kiddies, I can't imagine how hard it must have been to keep it all together- or at least pretend to. And it is beyond wonderful that you're in remission. May you never have to fight such a fight again in your life! Still, you live with the shadow of cancer. It is so life-changing, I haven't even the words for it. I have not had cancer. But my mother, her sister, and my brother are all survivors.

My brother is a year down the line from his last chemo session and 11 months down the line from his surgery. What was amazing was the outpouring of love and support from those who hardly knew him. Recently, a neighbour he doesn't know too well ran a marathon for a cancer charity and ran it for my brother! Meanwhile, our eldest brother hasn't been to see him in the 11 months since he went in for his surgery. I live 3000 miles away from my brother, so my hands-on support is so limited by geography. But I try my hardest. Our eldest brother lives two hours away from our brother and I am appalled by his lack of support.

My brother has changed forever- chemo brain, chronic pain, the fear of cancer returning, and just the all-consuming, life-changing stuff that comes with cancer has redefined who he is. I feel very close to his struggle and we talk nearly every day. But to see that the people who were meant to show him unconditional love and unyielding support- the people we expected would show him that unyielding support- copped out and went AWOL is been beyond heartbreaking. Our mother and eldest brother were the ones who just weren't there. It's been shocking and at present, I've gone NC with my eldest brother and mother because of this and their subsequent behaviour during my brother's cancer ordeal.

You REALLY find out who your friends are in a crisis. And when you learn that your supposed nearest and dearest have been the weakest is just a whole other level of pain.

It's your time right now. Your recovery should be full of support and optimism. Instead, you're feeling really let down by those who were expected to be your strongest allies. That hurts!

Your DH is entirely unreasonable here and he is not honouring your illness or all that you have struggled with. I'd be so woefully disheartened if I were in your shoes. I can imagine how terribly hurt and let down you feel by your in-laws and your DH's attitude. And you're totally justified in the way that you feel. They suck, to put it bluntly.
How do you get past this?

I would feel exactly the same but would suck it up for the kids sake if you can just get by with a fake smile for a cup of tea once a month. You don’t have to forgive or forget

You sucked up cancer. Tell him to suck it up. Prick.

So glad to read that you are in remission!

You have every right to be hurt. You are very honest in that it is still raw for you, and you are taking care not to say anything bad in front of the children. To be told to "suck it up" must hurt!

They have let you down. There is no fixed timescale for recovering from that. From what you have written, you are responding with dignity and balance, and I would hope that all involved would respect you for that, and give you the time that you need.

Your friends will definitely not just be being polite!

Hi OP I'm sorry you are having to deal with all this on top of everything else. I think that if your husband has been fully supportive during your illness, then maybe it is best to accept his family's failings and put it behind you and concentrate on the positives of your life having survived this awful disease. It is not worth falling out with his family and risking your relationship with your husband, even though his family have been a huge disappointment. Sadly your husband had no control over how his family would deal with your illness and is in a difficult position in the middle of things. He too has been through a tough time with coping with your illness and everything. This is what I think but there is a chat forum on the Macmillan cancer forum which is very supportive and informative

community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_types/#pi6869=4

The Life limiting illness group in the mumsnet Health forum is also very good.

Glad you are in remission. God bless

Congratulations on being in remission. Your friends are not being polite.
Your DH is being a dick. I would feel the same way if I was in your shoes.
Some MIL can be arseholes. When I had a failed fertility treatment mine commented with 'shit happens'. Sending lots of love X

Something like cancer makes you realise what’s important. You are absolutely within reason to see who you want and forget those you don’t.

YA so NBU. I don't think I could see them again in your position. Your dh will just have to deal with it.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and after surgery and radiation I am cancer free. So glad to hear you’re in remission. As for your husband and his useless family I would be pissed. I only had my husband to help and my sister stayed over the holidays till the end of radiation. My MIL never offered any help or sent flowers or expressed any interest in me directly always called my husband. She lives with her daughter and SIL and family to “help” whereas my hubby was juggling care for me and our severely disabled son. My mother couldn’t as she was caring for my father with Alzheimer’s. I would’ve caused WW3 if I said anything to my husband but it’s just her pattern of behavior with me I’m unimportant and always have been. I faxed her at my son’s graduation no questions about how I felt or are doing. If I were you I’d say something to them in private if you thought it would help

I think the "point" of family is they are someone you trust unconditionally to have your back, support you when others are too busy, and love and support your children. Your in-laws have failed you, and you are understandably hurt. Why continue to invest in this relationship? They don't care about you or your family in any meaningful way, I wouldn't be giving them any of the precious time that I had fought for by doing all the cancer treatment. Spend the time with those who proved they did care for you.

And DH can learn some hard truths about his parents... he can choose to have a relationship with them despite their lack of support, but he can't tell you to suck it up and have a relationship with them after they have let you down (and don't seem at all contrite).

I am sad to say my brother hasn't stepped up to support his wife through her cancer treatment, not in an emotional sense or physical sense (of actually being in the house other than to eat/sleep after she and kids are in bed). If I were her, when I got to place of good health I would leave him - why invest in a marriage that doesn't give you love and support when you are most in need, when you are at your lowest ebb. I would never tell her what to do, but for me, that would be the end of our relationship.

Remission yeah!!!

The way I see it your in laws deserve the same treatment as you got. They didn’t do anything extra for you so don’t do anything back. Pre cancer it was a monthly cup of tea, if they are visiting your home then you should pop the kettle on (while resisting the temptation to piss in it) then once politeness is out the way excuse yourself from the house for a pre arranged appointment - nails, once your hair reaches the right stage hair cuts (btw the weird thick hairs on your head that look like see through pubes-totally normal), cancer support group. I don’t see how your dh can argue with that. What is he expecting from you?

So sorry to hear everything you've been through and great news you are in remission.

They sound awful and YANBU to avoid them, their behavior was selfish.

We have a child with terminal cancer and my MIL has been so unsupportive. Does nothing to help us and shows no support for DH (her son) who is in pieces.
I'll never think of her in the same way after witnessing her behavior.

I've begun to realize some people just don't have the emotional capacity to deal with tough situations. That doesn't excuse them - no one wants to go through Cancer - but I think some people have to bury their head in the sand as they simply can't process it. Like I say, it's no excuse.

Thank you so much everyone for all your honest replies.
It’s very refreshing to get fresh perspectives on it, everyone close to me, who I have confined about this issue to, has been on my side as they are my family & friends. So it’s good to get all opinions.

Thank you again for all the comments- sorry if I’m meant to reply individually- still getting to grips with this all!

& thank you for all the congratulations on remission! ❤️❤️❤️

Well done for getting through it all and great that you are in remission.
My wife had breast cancer 5 years ago. Her sister visited her zero times. For a few days she texted and said "How are you?" then sent a text saying that it was too expensive to text every day but asked my wife, her sister, to text her with news every day.
My DW has had a couple of times in hospital with heart problems related to the chemo she received and her sister does not bother asking how things are, I know that she sees my posts on Facebook and our real friends respond when I post about her health..
JedATEA070968 look after yourself and do not concern yourself about uncaring relatives, you have survived cancer, you will continue to live and enjoy life. If relatives don't care ignore them.