Life after Cancer & Chemo

[JedATEA070968]

Hi all,

I’m brand new at this- so please excuse me if I do anything wrong.

I am a 33 year old Mum to 4 children (DS 13 DD 9 DS 6 DD 6- twins) & I was diagnosed this time last year with a blood cancer (Hodgkins Lymphoma).

I underwent 6 months of fortnightly Chemo infusions, which made all my hair fall out & made me very sick.

During this time, although I tried to be as brave as possible, and with the help
Of my loyal husband, my supportive family and amazing friends, my children saw, heard and had to understand things children should be protected from.

Words such as ‘chemo’ and ‘lymphoma’ became part of their every day vocabulary. I had a permanent line for my chemo (a PICC line in my arm, instead of having a cannula inserted over 2 weeks) & they learnt how to help me care for this & how to make sure it stayed dry and clean.

I feel so incredibly grateful that in May this year I had the amazing news that the chemo had worked & that I was in remission! (Huge huge huge relief)

My issue is this- during my treatment we got help from people you didn’t even know would care. Other school mums, neighbours, so many people. It was amazing. But, my in laws live in the same small town as us, a 5 min drive away & I didn’t see them once during my treatment.

They didn’t contact me, they didn’t help with the 4 children, they didn’t do anything. Apparently, they called my husband once a week,

Since I’ve finished chemo, I have been avoiding them. We weren’t close before I got poorly, a monthly visit for a cup of tea- but I have avoiding seeing them. I am hurt they didn’t support, care, help their Grand children,

Things came to blows with my husband on a Thursday- I’ve been called unreasonable because I am not seeing his parents. I explained how I felt, that I felt they could have done more to support their Grandchildren through the pain of watching their Mum fight for her life, but apparently I have to accept that they are just like that, & that was their choice. I’ve been told to suck it up & be civil!

I have made it clear that I would never expect my husband to stop seeing his parents, I would never stop the children from seeing them & I will never speak badly about his parents in front of, or to the children! But this isn’t enough. I’ve told my husband that my Illness is still very raw emotionally, & that hopefully one day I wil be able to forgive. This still isn’t enough.

I need impartial opinions. When I talk about it to my friends they agree with me, but are they just being polite? Do I need to suck this up? Would you expect help? I didn’t even know the day of the week half the time, let alone capable of asking for help, I didn’t have the physical energy or the mental capacity for it during chemotherapy. Other people just came & done what they could!

Please be honest (& sorry for any mistakes)

If your dh wants bridges built he’d better roll up his sleeves. I would suggest that he needs to explain in words of one syllable exactly how hurt and let down you feel by their indifference to your illness. He needs to hear what their excuses are and to ask them what they propose to do to make things better.

They will protest and complain no doubt. They were so so busy, you had so much help already yada yada. No, actually you were struggling desperately and would have valued some, any support.

They need to apologise to you. Properly. Then, for the sake of civil relations I would see them in a group and say hello. It would take years for a true thaw and even then it would be based on mistrust.

BUT, for your own sake I think you need to get it out of the way because it’s clearly on your mind and upsetting you when you need to be focused on other stuff. Counselling might prove really helpful- it’s possible you are directing a lot of your general anger about the illness at them.

And finally console yourself with this fact: down the line they will be the ones needing your help and you will be absolutely able to be busy without a second of regret.

Keep well.

So pleased you are in remission, and I totally understand your reaction to your inlaws. The first time I had cancer i totally lost one friend (I told her I had cancer and her reply , oh, you'll be fine) and nearly another (he put the phone down on me, then rang me a couple of days later to apologise and say it was the shock that led him to do it.)

The second time I had cancer, I to!d my Mum, and that was the last conversation we ever had about it. She didn't ask how I was getting on, nothing. That hurt a lot.

Third time (Mum had died inbetween my last bouts), I saw my sister the day after my diagnosis and once more during my nine month treatmemt, she lives twenty minutes away. When I sent her text telling her that I was just about at my wits end with the treatment and I was thinking of ending that treatement, she didn't reply.

My friends, my daughter were marvelous throughout. I still see my sister, her children and their children mean way too much to me to go nc. But I know who my supporters are. I tolerate those who went missing, but I treasure those who were there. Id encourage you to do the same

I think your DH has totally misunderstood.

Because nothing you say suggests you are being uncivil, you are not saying a bad work about them, I have no doubt you would be polite when you do meet. But you’re not arranging to meet, initiating calls, or generally doing any of the ‘wifework’ of maintaining a relationship.

He is going to have to make the arrangements, make polite excuses for the times you do not go along.

Of course what you want him to say is ‘you reap what you sow’ and that their choices when you needed support are the direct cause the situation - you are only as bothered now as they were then, but I cannot think of any possible way he could actually say that.