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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like a failure and scared for the future?

45 replies

sunshineandlemons · 21/10/2018 07:15

I'm 42 and I've been married for 16 years and have 2 DS's aged 6 and 11.
My husband is from overseas and we lived in the UK when we were first married but decided that when we had children we would move back to his home country so that we would have a good/work life balance. We lived in the South East and with expensive housing we would have both have needed to work full time when having any family. Also I had a history of depression and felt that I would not be able to cope with being a full time working Mum.

We ended up buying a plot of land and built our own house along with a couple of eco lodges to rent out to holiday makers. We've got a small holding and grow fruit etc and we are time rich but on quite a tight income. No problem as the sun shines everyday and we get lots of family time. We manage to go back to the UK every year and visit family. My kids are bilingual. We have a small house in the Midlands that we rent out that we would return to if we needed to go back to the UK. We don't have any debt. I try to keep my skills up to date so that if we ever need to return to the UK I will be employable and I do a little remote work for a UK company 15 hours a week. I've got a degree and am currently studying for an accountancy qualification (just the AAT).
I am a bit of a loner and our lifestyle suits us for now but there it is highly likely that we will need to return to the UK when the boys get to A-Level age.
I guess that our life is different to the norm and I can't help but feel like a big failure that I don't have some great career. I am also scared to death that if we return to the UK in a few years time nobody will want to employ me. I get wrapped up with anxiety about it all. Neither of us will ever be huge earners but neither are we huge spenders either. We are quite happy with quiet evening in and love going on hikes and bike riding etc. Also I've grown used to feeding a family on a tight budget and make everything from scratch where possible. I guess I'm scared that if we have to return to the UK we will be thrown into poverty especially when I read so many stories about working families having to resort to foodbanks? Have I been watching too much Panorama on expat TV?

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 21/10/2018 07:24

Why would you have to return to the UK when the boys are of A Level age? Are there no English schools in your country? Or those which do the International Baccalaureate?

AjasLipstick · 21/10/2018 07:25

If your boys wanted to try English life, then they could live in the Midlands house couldn't they? Once they're over 18 I mean. Or move to a city to go to Uni and return in the holidays?

Original poster
sunshineandlemons · 21/10/2018 07:34

We live in a rural part of the country where there are no international schools. They go to a local language school and follow the local curriculum but I top it up with homeschooling in line with the UK. At GCSE age I'm hoping the eldest will study via homeschooling/correspondence. I want them to go to the UK for A-Levels as they need to be in the UK for two years prior to starting Uni in order to qualify for Student finance and not be treated as international students in terms of University fees. The country we live in is a developing country and therefore feel that they would be better to go to a British University.

OP posts:
sausagerollssss · 21/10/2018 07:36

Your life sounds wonderful, by the sounds of it you own 4 properties across 2 countries with no debt. You have two talented children who will definitely benefit from being bilingual. You are keeping your foot in the door with a bit of work whilst leading a sun filled and fairly relaxed life. I don't think you have much to worry/complain about to be honest.

MerryTwinkletoes · 21/10/2018 07:46

That sounds amazing, it really does!

As a PP said, you are multiple home owners I think you're in a great position. Once you have your AAT you'll be looking at a FTE salary of c25k depending on where you are - plenty to support you if no mortgage and low spends!

Original poster
sunshineandlemons · 21/10/2018 07:58

I should have said that the Midland house does have a small mortgage but should be paid off in 5 years time. It has a tenant at the moment. Apart from that, we don't have any debt. We would never sell our house here, partly because there is a very, very stagnant housing market and can take years to sell. Also, it was a bit of a dream that we managed to make reality after watching too many episodes of 'No going back'. We bought the land and built the house ourselves so a bit of a dream fulfilled so to sell it would be heartbreaking.

OP posts:
safetyfreak · 21/10/2018 08:07

This just sounds like a boasting post. "Oh tell me how wonderful my life is!"

You know full well you are in a privileged position.

Kewqueue · 21/10/2018 08:09

Why do you feel like a failure? Sounds like you have planned really well.

costacoffeecup · 21/10/2018 08:13

It sounds idyllic. I'm afraid I'm with the people who can't really see what the problem is. It may be a bit awkward when it comes to uni, do your children definitely want to go?

overmydeadbody · 21/10/2018 08:15

I really don't see what you are worrying about?

overmydeadbody · 21/10/2018 08:16

You certainly don't sound like a failure!

It will be fine.

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 08:18

Are you sure it’s only 2 years?

I thought it was 3.

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 08:18

www.ukcisa.org.uk/Information--Advice/Fees-and-Money/England-fee-status

Says 3 years here

Original poster
sunshineandlemons · 21/10/2018 08:20

I knew somebody would think this is a boasting post, it truly isn't. I 've always had massive self-esteem issues. I guess I'm worried about my ability to be able to move back to the UK and make a life there again after a long time out of full-time employment. My eldest is 11 and he really wants to go to the UK and do A-Levels and then work in the UK. Early days I know. We live in North Africa so whilst it might sound like 'ooh they have three properties', their combined value would be less than the tiny house we have in the UK. The two eco lodges are exactly that, made of 100% natural materials aka Mud! The boys have had and are having a great childhood but there is very little work opportunity here outside of the tourism sector and if they want to make a good life, they will have to leave. Or do so amazingly well here that they are able to become Doctors, which is highly unlikely.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineandlemons · 21/10/2018 08:21

Yes you are right, it is 3 years.

OP posts:
marcopront · 21/10/2018 08:22

Be careful with the idea of them doing A'level in the UK meaning they will be counted as home students for fee purposes. If they are just there for education it doesn't count, it is more about your residency than theirs and it is three years not two.
Are there International schools with boarding in the country you live in?

I understand where you are coming from but disagree about being a failure. I have lived overseas most of my adult life and have a good job but no property. Maybe post on the living overseas board people there may be more understanding.

AjasLipstick · 21/10/2018 08:22

OP I live a similarly unusual and on paper...idyllic life, in Australia. I can only advise you to let go of the worries. They won't help.

When A Level time arrives, could you de-camp to the UK for the time it takes the boys to sit the exams at least? Maybe a year?Or send them to stay with a relative?

AjasLipstick · 21/10/2018 08:23

Or could you consider Interhigh? Then only going to the UK to actually sit the exams?

Broken11Girl · 21/10/2018 08:23

Oh FGS would people stop the 'stealth boast, I don't see what you have to worry about' posts.
OP, you sound a bit depressed and anxious, it might be a good idea to get some counselling to talk through what's worrying you.

marcopront · 21/10/2018 08:25

Have a look here for IB schools in your country or ones close by.

www.ibo.org/programmes/find-an-ib-school/

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 08:25

So you need to move back for GCSE years really. Is that achievable?

Original poster
sunshineandlemons · 21/10/2018 08:28

There are Internationals school in the capital which is a 12 hour train journey away. The British school does GCSE's and A-Levels but most of the students are parents of Ambassadors etc whose funding is paid for with their parent's jobs. We are talking £9k a term and we just don't have that sort of money.
Thanks for the comment AjasLipstick and pleased that you get the whole thing about life being amazing on paper but everything comes with its complications. We will definitely need to consider decamping to the UK for a period of time. The only relatives that I have who would be willing to have them stay, no question is my parents. However they are both in their late 60's so lots could have changed by them.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineandlemons · 21/10/2018 08:30

Broken11Girl
Thanks for understanding that this is in no way a stealth post, I am a massively anxious person, always trying to control it and read CBT books etc but sometimes it comes to a head.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 21/10/2018 08:32

I think you've proved living there that you can do ANYTHING. :)))

What you've done takes great strength and resilience - my hat is off to you.

Seniorschoolmum · 21/10/2018 08:36

It sounds like you are bi-lingual which might be quite useful after Brexit.

And you have Experience of running holiday cottages, and budgeting and arranging travel, and dealing with the public. Probably of foreign exchange too. I’d say you have quite a few convertible skills. Holiday companies, travel agents and hotels/leisure parks would seem like potential employers.

Have you thought about writing a book about your experiences. Or teaching - college kids rather than small children. Your experience would be invaluable. You could study for a teaching certificate now.

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