To feel like a failure and scared for the future?

[sunshineandlemons]

I'm 42 and I've been married for 16 years and have 2 DS's aged 6 and 11.
My husband is from overseas and we lived in the UK when we were first married but decided that when we had children we would move back to his home country so that we would have a good/work life balance. We lived in the South East and with expensive housing we would have both have needed to work full time when having any family. Also I had a history of depression and felt that I would not be able to cope with being a full time working Mum.

We ended up buying a plot of land and built our own house along with a couple of eco lodges to rent out to holiday makers. We've got a small holding and grow fruit etc and we are time rich but on quite a tight income. No problem as the sun shines everyday and we get lots of family time. We manage to go back to the UK every year and visit family. My kids are bilingual. We have a small house in the Midlands that we rent out that we would return to if we needed to go back to the UK. We don't have any debt. I try to keep my skills up to date so that if we ever need to return to the UK I will be employable and I do a little remote work for a UK company 15 hours a week. I've got a degree and am currently studying for an accountancy qualification (just the AAT).
I am a bit of a loner and our lifestyle suits us for now but there it is highly likely that we will need to return to the UK when the boys get to A-Level age.
I guess that our life is different to the norm and I can't help but feel like a big failure that I don't have some great career. I am also scared to death that if we return to the UK in a few years time nobody will want to employ me. I get wrapped up with anxiety about it all. Neither of us will ever be huge earners but neither are we huge spenders either. We are quite happy with quiet evening in and love going on hikes and bike riding etc. Also I've grown used to feeding a family on a tight budget and make everything from scratch where possible. I guess I'm scared that if we have to return to the UK we will be thrown into poverty especially when I read so many stories about working families having to resort to foodbanks? Have I been watching too much Panorama on expat TV?

I think in your position - especially if moving back in the three-year timescale looked likely to be difficult - I might be looking at universities elsehere in Europe, Germany or Scandinavia for example. Fees are smaller (or in some cases non-existent), courses in English are very numerous, and student living can be more affordable. Being an English bilingual or native speaker opens the doors to quite lucrative student jobs (and it's more normal for courses to be structured to accommodate jobs alongside).

OP, your children are still very young and you do not need to make plans at the moment. I would stop worrying if I were you.

I can’t offer any practical advice but I can see why this would be stressful - particularly as you already suffer from anxiety.

I think you are doing all the right things - you have a property in the uk and you are keeping your training up to date.

Make a list of all the other practical things you can do to ease the transition, then work through them. Will hubby adjust ok - does he need any training?

It will be a big adjustment for the kids too - could they have an extended holiday with your family when they get closer in age just to ease them in?

For anyone that thinks this is a stealth post, there are a few things that living overseas have taught me. All these 'moving abroad' programmes on TV make it look so wonderful and parts of it are. However, you still have money worries, health issues, you kids still argue, you still have that weight to lose, there is still potty training to be done, school dramas, you meet lovely people and shitty people and I've also lived through the Arab 'Spring'. Nowhere is perfect, there are always problems where ever you are. If you have depression or anxiety problems, they won't magically disappear because you can't run away from yourself. One thing that living a slower paced life has given me is time to work thing out in my head when I suffer depression etc and to recognise my triggers.

Dollymixture - DH spent 2 years in the Army and apart from that always in the Hospitality industry. When we lived in the UK he was a Restaurant Manager in a chain of hotels. But he has outgrown that kind of work. He has a UK driving licence and fluent English speaker and he is very hard working but doesn't have a degree or anything. He is very experienced in Horticulture and Farming as his parents own a farm here.
We go back the UK for six weeks every summer so the boys are very familiar with the UK.

Seniorschoolmum - I taught both my children to read myself using Read, Write inc a programme used in UK primary schools and I try to loosely follow the UK curriculum with them. I think I gained quite a few skills doing this as I really had no idea where to start. What sort of teaching certificate were you thinking of?

Life is harder in the UK than it was, but with a professional job there is no way you will be using food banks. Don't get sucked into believing your worth or self-esteem is linked to your salary or career - it's not. That's a lie that is perpetuated here and makes many people unhappy and ultimately unfulfilled. It sounds like you have achieved what many people here don't have - a work-life balance and a good quality of life.

You are doing all the right things for your sons and remember, a university education is not the be all and end all either, apprenticeships are becoming more common.

sunshineandlemons - what would you like for your future?

Do you love where you live and want to say in your current situation (if it were not considering your children's education)?
Do you want to return to the uk for yourself?
Do you want to go back to work?

It sound's a little like a mid-life crisis, and perhaps seeing it as such would help you to work through what you want?

Practical considerations regarding your children's education are clearly going to be a part of your concerns, but it might be important to look beyond, to when your children have left home (with a 6 year old this might seem a little premature, but it really is not!).

When you have decided which country you and your husband wish to live long term, it is after this that you need to look at your children's education plans. If you wish to remain in your current country long term, then it changes things with considering your children's education.

If you wish to eventually be living in the UK in older age, then you need to think about moving sooner rather than later, as your 11 year old will need to be moving over in the next two years. But if you have another 5 years of mortgage on your property in the UK, then you and/or your husband will need to be certain of getting work locally to your uk house. How would you feel if neither of you were able to get work, what is your back-up plan for your children's education?

Basically you need to make your decisions on your longer term plans with your husband. (does he wish to return to the UK?)

You are not a failure for doing what is right for your family, having a career these days is not important, as people do not generally stay in the same job for life unlike years ago. Transferable skills, you do have language skills, cultural experience, self-employed, as well as being a good mother.

sunshineandlemons your life sounds absolutely fantastic and something that many people would really struggle to achieve, so don't for one minute think you are a failure!

In terms of coming back to the UK - in terms of prepping your kids to enter uni, I think you would be far better to live in Scotland for a couple of years, as so long as the law isn't changed, they would then be due for free uni in Scotland so long as they have been ordinarily resident there for long enough (am assuming you are Brit citizens or would have indefinite right to reside in the UK...)

In terms of you and your work etc - you are definitely not a failure!

In future why don't you move back to UK and live in your property. If you have a spare room or loft, rent it out. You could rent out the property in the other country or sell it. Or I guess you could sell all properties and buy something new. It sounds like you have lots of options. However, with UK uni fees if 9k per year, plus living costs, I would think carefully whether a university education is preferable to an apprenticeship or a trade for future employment for your children. Currently, you seem to be in a fortunate position and probably better than most people, because you look like you will have the opportunity to make choices in the future.

So you work part time, run a business, are studying, bringing up two kids, have a great work life balance and own several properties. But you feel like a failure? Really?

I get it OP - I have anxiety too, but can you see how your ‘issues’ might affect someone who is really living on the breadline, with a huge mortgage and not a lot else? No ecohouse, no plot of land for fruit, time poor and not alot of time to spend with their family? No luxury of spending 6 weeks every summer away?

I believe you will be fine OP. But I think you know that these worries stem from your unhealthy side of your brain, the one that the anxiety is at - take a step back and look at how much you have. Good luck

Ignore the bollocks about stealth boasts, that obviously came from someone with a chip on their shoulder. Depression and anxiety can affect anyone, no matter how idyllic their life is.

The UK is short of teachers in stem & language subjects. And there is a constant demand for primary teachers.

I just thought your experience of making a slightly different sort of life would be invaluable to a lot of teenagers struggling with planning their futures. Breadth of experience is badly needed imo.

safetyfreak

This just sounds like a boasting post. "Oh tell me how wonderful my life is!"

You know full well you are in a privileged position.

Here we go again. Another loser with a huge chip on their shoulder.

OP, you will be fine. Most people who use the food banks are are those who are trapped in the benefit system with no skill to offer. You and your husband have skills to offer, UK needs skillful people. It won't be easy but you will be fine.

Dina house swappy thing for a few years? Your life now sounds amazing, I’m sure there would be families up for a swap?? I would if my kids were younger.

Your life sounds ace, and it seems to me you have planned really well - you kept a house in the UK, you kept working part time for a UK firm, you're studying a solidly marketable skill.

I agree that you may serve your sons best by moving back for maybe 5 years to get them set up with qualifications that will see them through life. Obviously this will involve upheaval and anyone would be apprehensive about that, but it sounds like you absolutely have the ability to make it work.

Would your DH have the right to reside in the UK though? That might be a stumbling block. I am not sure that my DH would be able to post-Brexit and that might scupper our plans.

We all have British Citizenship. My husband lived in the UK for several years and was naturalised in 2005 so has the right to live and work in the UK and holds a British passport.

Your hubby might actually find the adjustment the hardest if he has outgrown his previous career. Understandable as he has been his own boss.but there is time for him to start think about what his career back in the uk could look like.

I do think you will be fine, but please don’t let the stress and anxiety overwhelm your lovely time in your home. While it’s understandable to worry a bit about what the future could bring, your present is a good place - enjoy it.