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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP worried about me shouting at him in labour...

65 replies

LottieAnnwin · 20/10/2018 21:54

I'm being induced next week. I'm very nervous about it as haven't had a baby before and I know induction can (but isn't always) be very difficult.

I tried to have a conversation with DP tonight about how he could support me through labour. He doesn't seem that interested. All he asked about was whether I thought I was going to get annoyed with him and that if I would he would just end up getting irritated with me. Surely this is the one time I'm allowed to get annoyed with people? When I'm pushing a baby out of my vagina?

All he was worried about was him. How boring the hospital was going to be. How he's going to need sleep. Etc. He showed absolutely zero concern for me, at all! I don't want him to be bored, or tired, but quite frankly there are times when he will be and that's tough shit.

AIBU to be concerned by this ^ considering I'm being induced in a couple of days?

Really glad my mum is going to be there otherwise I would be completely freaking out at the idea of having a useless birth partner and nobody else!

OP posts:
Rixera · 20/10/2018 22:15

He's probably worried about how he will cope and worried that he will be so stressed he is irritated at you, this is his 'worst case scenario'. You have to do all the hard work- what if it hurts? What if it goes wrong? But his part in this is being supportive. He's worrying, what if I freak out? What if I shout at her?

It's stress, judge him by how he usually behaves and have a good chat with him tomorrow.

GreenMeerkat · 20/10/2018 22:16

Sorry.... just read the end of your post saying your mum will be there too, so that's good!

AnnieAnonimouse · 20/10/2018 22:18

FMD

The midwife said DS would be there in the next few pushes and DH offered me a sandwich. I definitely swore at him

🤣. Fuck muppet.

How has he been since then?

OP. Sounds like maybe you had low expectations of, and placed very few demands on, him previously and now he’s realising this is really going to happen and impact on him. If it’s was me I’d be thinking about what my plan was going to be if this carried on. I’d tell him that too. I don’t care if he’s scared, it’s not him pushing a baby out of his body, he needs to grow the fuck up and support you. The one that IS carrying the baby and the one that IS going to give birth.

Original poster
LottieAnnwin · 20/10/2018 22:18

@GreenMeerkat when you say the midwives won't let him give me a hard time... what do you mean by that? It sounds promising!

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 20/10/2018 22:20

Annie He is great, he's a fantastic dad. Shares everything, loves DS and DD to bits, endless patience with them.

Can still drive me mad though. Grin

GreenMeerkat · 20/10/2018 22:20

@LottieAnnwin they are there for you and your baby. If your DH starts giving you a hard time and making your labour more stressful they will have words or ask him to leave. They did this with my friend's DP!

Ennirem · 20/10/2018 22:22

If he starts mouthing off they'll tell him to fuck off out of it in no uncertain terms. It's hard enough for them to do their job around the mother"s (totally explicable) emotional outbursts without the bloody husband's weighing in with the shouting and screaming. Don't worry op, delivery ward midwives are (one) superheroes and they will look after you I'm every way you need xx

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 20/10/2018 22:23

I'm angry on your behalf...you're going to go through something terrifying, painful that is difficult to prepare for and you don't know what's going to happen...and he's worried he's going to be bored and irritated? I'd be asking him to think about how that sounds compared to your legitimate worries and ask him if he wishes to retract those statements! And if not just get your mum to stay with you instead. If anyone ever deserved a bit of slack it's a labouring woman and if he doesn't think he can manage this I'd also be worrying how much slack he is going to give you when you're recovering / you've had 2 hours broken sleep over an entire night / breastfeeding isn't working etc...

Original poster
LottieAnnwin · 20/10/2018 22:24

How cool are midwives! I even thought about discussing these concerns with them quietly when DP wasn't there... would this be a bad idea?

OP posts:
GreenMeerkat · 20/10/2018 22:27

@LottieAnnwin Just doing their job. They are not going to let anyone give their patients a hard time. Baby's father or not. Their responsibility is to you and not your DH and they won't allow him to pull any shit.

Original poster
LottieAnnwin · 20/10/2018 22:29

Would I come across as ridiculous if I voiced these concerns to the midwives on the ward?

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 20/10/2018 22:30

Not at all OP. They hear all kinds of concerns.

GreenMeerkat · 20/10/2018 22:30

Not at all!

When you go in, send him out for something and mention it to the midwife then. He/she will know to keep an eye out then!

Original poster
LottieAnnwin · 20/10/2018 22:31

I just hope that it wouldn't get back to him. Gosh that would be awful! I think I would feel better if I spoke to them about it though... to be honest I would quite like to just be on my own for the first bit!

OP posts:
Original poster
LottieAnnwin · 20/10/2018 22:32

@GreenMeerkat it feels really sneaky. I just think I would feel far better if the midwives knew my concerns. As long as he NEVER found out I mentioned it!

OP posts:
GreenMeerkat · 20/10/2018 22:33

He wouldn't. They certainly wouldn't tell him!

Original poster
LottieAnnwin · 20/10/2018 22:34

Oh I feel better already knowing I can talk to them about it. Hopefully they would keep an eye out. I'm so nervous!

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 20/10/2018 22:34

Why? Are you scared of him OP? Or worried he would be hurt?

Original poster
LottieAnnwin · 20/10/2018 22:35

Worried he would be upset. Not scared of him in the slightest he wouldn't hurt a fly! Thank you for the concern though :)

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 20/10/2018 22:35

Do you actually want him to be there? If he's not going to be helpful and supportive, leave him at home and just have your mum there

Original poster
LottieAnnwin · 20/10/2018 22:37

@OlennasWimple I want him there. I feel like I need him and that deep down he will be supportive. I want him to cut the cord and witness his baby being born. I wasn't anxious until his comments tonight.

OP posts:
cdtaylornats · 20/10/2018 22:40

My friend told his wife that if she required him to be near during the birth she should pick a hospital near a pub.

In the end she prevailed and he fainted during the birth, concussed himself and she was home before he was.

Move2WY · 20/10/2018 22:40

You should tell him you probably will get extremely angry at him and the least he can do in that scenario is put up with it whilst you endure the agony equivalent to having 14 bones broken.

If you’re going to be induced ask for an epidural!

You will be absolutely fine though op, you don’t even feel angry - you just go into a zone and get through it. Hopefully he’ll stay quiet and hold your hand x

Volant · 20/10/2018 22:41

If you can't talk to him because you need sleep, why are you still on here? You could have sorted this all out with him by now.

N0tfinished · 20/10/2018 22:43

My DH had a total wobble the day of my sweep I remember. He was a total bollocks, matched back to the car 4 ft in front of me & wouldn't wait. I wanted to throw a bin at his head. However the days my boys were born he was fantastic. Chatted to midwives & made us laugh during boring bits, was a rock during scary/intense bits. I remember especially just as DS1 was getting ventouse on, I looked over to him & he was totally terrified but still trying to reassure & support me.

It's a scary prospect, maybe this is just a wobble. He might surprise you...

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