I actually think I’ve been very reasonable.. I just appreciated all your help last time!

[Yelsgirl]

So you may remember a few weeks ago I posted a thread about my ex’s mum asking for the cot back that she bought for my unborn child.
( he left me at 26 weeks pregnant - I was/ am gutted I decided to cut contact until baby arrived as I was so stressed and he started to be rather nasty)

Fast forward to now ..
I’ve had an awful time the last couple of weeks. Mainly surrounding an admission to the antenatal ward- baby is measuring very small and it looks like she’ll be out next week. During this admission I contacted ex and I have to say he stepped up. He was the help I needed at the time I needed it and we dealt with tbe situation constructively so both of us knew what was going on with the health of the baby. His mum hasn’t dared to mention the cot agajn either...

But basically I am having an ELCS. I had told him he wasn’t welcome in as I wanted support for me. He didn’t mention it again as I think he knew I wouldn’t back down. After lots of thinking this week I asked him if he would like to come in ( if nothing else because I actually don’t have anyone else to go in with me - which didn’t particularly bother me)
I asked him this purely because I know I’ve done everything possible for this baby, I know if he flakes out I can look at her and I know I never stopped anything and I encouraged that initial bonding.
Wether I’ll regret the decision or not is yet to be seen- but in all honesty the only reason I don’t want him in is because I still have feelings for him. Which I need to be strong and put aside.

But basically - He is visiting me for a chat this week as I’ve said I want to plan visits.
He disagreed and said he wants to be able to see how it goes regarding when he can come but I told him I want to know when I’ll have help etc etc.. so where do I start with planning this ?
Visits for a newborn seem strange to plan because I know she’ll need me, do I suggest him staying at the hospital? Do I suggest him coming everyday at first?
I know there’s no right or wrong answer as everyone’s different I’m just not even sure what to suggest. And you all helped me so much last time

Also the reason I ask about hospital stay is because partners are encouraged to stay on the ward at my hospital! Which I don’t agree with but still!
Was especially rubbish being on the antenatal ward surrounded by snoring men

No.... not staying. He’ll piss you off with his opinions and probably be dragging his mummy behind him. Just short visits to begin with. Once he feels that he’s got extended rights, she will too.

Once you have your lo home, visits are when you make her available to him. If he chooses not to show up, that is his choice.

So choose times when he can watch her while you have a shower or make a meal. In my experience, an hour or two is more than enough to begin with. Then build up gradually.

Congratulations x

Thankyou!
I was torn because I know ill need support after my csection so I was tempted to ask for him to stay while I felt more recovered but I think I just need to try cope from then off set!

Don’t have him stay at the hospital!!

Definitely don’t have him stay!!

Short visits at home at a time convenient for you. Build up the relationship.

I think you are making it complicated by trying to plan this ahead of time. I'd wait and see how it goes.

@cupmug I can see this side too but I’m really nervous about the level of help I’ll have- so my thought process was if we had a set plan I’d know when I have help and when I don’t which id like to think would minimise stress. I essentially couldn’t turn round to him and ask for last minute help nor could he expect unplanned visits

I posted on your thread about organising contact. I feel like you will really regret letting him get too involved too soon. If contact arrangments end up in court they will take into consideration the current set up. It's difficult to offer a lot of contact and then try to reduce it. He will start bullying you into overnights when it's not suitable for your baby. I know you feel you need help but be cautious.

You honestly dont have to do this. It is of zero benefit to your baby. Zero benefit to you. Will stress you more, will lessen your bonding time with your own baby. The only person it benefits is him.
Wait till youre home before inviting him. He doesnt get to watch your intimate moments and surgical procedures.
The more you do for guys like this the more they expect.

“essentially couldn’t turn round to him and ask for last minute help nor could he expect unplanned visits”

Why not? That is literally the exact scenario you will be facing. Why is he incapable of facing the same scenario and why do you need the feel to shield him/control this?

Babies are infamous for blowing up plans and preparations.

Valasca this man has been telling her she must allow overnights from 3 weeks old, threatening her with court and saying she won't be a fit mother because of MH issues. He and his mother have acted horribly towards her.

I myself recommended no unplanned visits. She can't have this man coming in and out of her house as he pleases.

I split with my ex before our 2nd was born. And he was bloody useless as far as help was concerned.

I'd suggest he comes each day at a time convenient for you, but don't rely on it being of any help. If you get to have a shower etc whilst he's there then great, but don't plan your day around it. I made the mistake of thinking I could rely on my ex and even told the health visitor that he'd pick a prescription up for me but he didn't turn up, I'll never forget having to get 2 kids and me to the chemist and back I was crying the whole way there and back due to the pain I was in. Wanker was in the pub.

I learnt not to tell the kids when he was supposed to be coming to see them as well, having a child scream at you because their daddy didn't turn up is not something you forget.

Good luck, I raised 2 on my own with no help from anyone.

OP, I think you need to hold fire on this one and not make too many plans too far in advance.

If you want him present at the birth to support you, that is your choice. However, then getting him to leave after may be an issue, as could be an issue if his mother turns up to visit and he lets her in... do you want that?

When it comes to a newborn, there's no such thing as a routine - they feed, sleep and poop whenever they want to, so having him round for planned visits early on can be difficult to manage.

You may not want him there, in which case, how will he react to being told to sod off?
Or he may arrive at a point where you can't necessarily hand the baby over to him - what's he going to do then, do your housework or sit and be a useless lump?

If he's going to be helpful and supportive in a way other than baby care, then great! But if he's only going to be there to cuddle the baby and "bond", it may be too much for you to manage in the first few weeks.

Personally I'd be inclined to explain to him that you're not going to stop him seeing the baby, but the arrangement needs to be mutually respectful and planned only one or two days ahead.

Don't make plans ahead of time, in case you're held to them when you find they don't suit.

I had sections, and honestagod I wished I was on my own afterwards. Came out of hospital to find no food in the house and DH (now ex, not surprisingly) had locked the dogs in the sittingroom for days so the carpet was saturated with pee.

Lay in plenty of ready meals and food for yourself, and make sure nobody goes and eats it all while you're in hospital. Never underestimate how unthinking and unhelpful people can be. If there's any way they can fuck you over they'll find it. The MiL could go in and 'help' by organising and going through all your drawers. I know it sounds like I'm catastrophising, but people can be really annoying when you're ill.

Even if you intend to bf, lay in bottles and formula just in case of difficulties. You really can do this on your own, and other people around can be more trouble than they're worth because they get on your nerves when you're sick and tired and don't know which end of you is up. Do not let MiL within a hundred miles of you.

I think one or two days in advance is best too.

You also don't know how you will feel when she's actually here. The reality of a baby is very different to the thought of one.

PS make sure he doesn't have a key to your house.

Hi OP, I haven't been in your position as no children but my partner is unable to be available for me when I need extra help due to both of us with severe illness which affects absolutely everything.

However, when home you will be recovering from what is major surgery and you need to work out what help you need, what level you would be comfortable with, practical, emotional, baby and otherwise

Can I suggest something like the Jointly app = which can be downloaded to phone, tablet, laptop etc - it will give you a Circle of Care - the care, in this case, is your baby. It does have a one off cost of 2.99 but works very well (i use it personally for all care related things outside my care package)

Let him visit you when you are home at planned times, while he is there so say X hours in morning for example, there is a list of tasks he has to complete while he is there seeing the baby, he doesnt just get to sit and coo at the baby,

As in this example you have the other 20 hours and yes things still need to happen, baby needs to be fed, washed, changed, as do you.

You need good food as recovering from an operation,

The house still needs cleaning, washing up, bins, washing on/off, drying sorted and put away, shopping, other errands. This still needs to happen.

He doesnt get to come for just the cute parts if he wants to step up longer term he gets the whole shebang,

While he is there, he gets to handle crying, you put in earplugs and try and sleep, have a shower, something for you as every single ounce of your being is shattered, sore and bruised after giving birth.

You may be planning to breastfeed, for the planned visits, I would suggest if possible trying to express before he comes so that he can feed the baby while he is there. To give the teat of a bottle thru a hole cut in a tee shirt on the chest over his man boobs. It will give as near of an male breastfeed as possible.

If both of you decide to rebuild the relationship thats something to look at down the line,

He left you at 26 weeks, (maybe was terrified at the idea of being a father?) but you were well into pregnancy and experiencing all the side effects and getting the brunt of it. So not cool from him at all.

As for his mother, if you think it would be good for both her and the baby to see each other, its on your terms. A short visit to cuddle the baby on X day between X and Y time. A visit to help with practical side of things on X day, babies arent just for cuddles.

She can also cook you some home made meals - give her practical stuff to do and short planned visits with baby. Practical help will let you recover from major surgery. It will let her feel useful and she gets to see baby but you know you only have to endure her till X time and when your ex or MIL is there , not at the same time visiting (stuff of nightmares)

Your baby (you are the one carrying), ex has less standing at this point in my eyes as walked away at 26 weeks so your house, baby and make a list of rules if need be as then they can relaxed over the coming months and years. Start as you mean to go on.

Good luck with the CS and Congrats on your baby

Please don't ask him to stay at the hospital. Men on maternity wards is so unfair to the other women there. I'm still scandalised it's allowed, let alone encouraged.

You're very wise to plan ahead. I'm assuming you don't want him turning up as and when he fancies. He walked out on you and your unborn baby, that means his rights have gone. Both he and his mother have treated you very badly, please don't give either of them the chance to keep on doing it.

Don"t have him just to be an extra pair of hands, he will quickly annoy you and you may not in a position to ask him to leave. You won't be the only one without a partner and the midwives will be well used to offering support to those who need it. Do you have any family who could just happen to be there for his first few visits at home?

Both he and his mother have treated you very badly

Can't be said often enough. Don't let that slip away as if it didn't happen. They are not to be trusted. Make sure your boundaries are firmly in place or they'll just march past them.

My DH didn't stay on the ward, in fact, no men did, which is much better! The nurses will help with practical things and you will probably be discharged within a couple of days. Treat it as time to rest quietly and bond with your baby.

I would definitely definitely have a supporter stay over after a c section. The wards aren’t staff well enough to manage he fact you physically can’t move! I’d suggest your mum/sister/best friend

I think deep down here the issue is that as you say you still have feelings for him. Are you hoping for a reconciliation and involving him will bring him closer to you? Agree with others that you are planning ahead too much which is understandable, best to see how you feel after the birth, but be very careful how much you allow him in to your babies life at this stage . Do not trust either of them especially as you will feel very vulnerable after giving birth.

I am also worried that if he gets a key to your house, you and baby will get home and find out that the cot had been dismantled and removed as per his mother’s wishes.