To ask if childfree couples are stronger?

[Balletqueen]

Now I'm thinking about those who are childfree by choice. Do you think they're stronger than the couples with children? I'd imagine they don't have to deal with the stress of having newborn/children, sleepless nights and fights about who's done what, competitive tiredness and goodness knows what. They have the time to do what they want, when they want. What do you think?

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I genuinely think having children opens your eyes to the other person in a way just being in a relationship with them doesn't, because you're in that relationship, you're part of all those interactions, so it's impossible to clearly see what's happening, what the dynamic is,clearly. But once you see your partner interacting with your child - someone you love infinitely more than you will ever love yourself - that's when you truly see them, and the standard you expect goes suddenly up by an order of magnitude. Most women ime (definitely if one were to judge by Mumsnet!) put up with all manner of shite from the man in their life, shrug it off and work around it or justify it. But when it's your child on the recieving end of their laziness or their selfishness or tightfistedness or temper or cruelty or lack of commitment... Love can die in an instant, just when you're going to need it most, as you are about to go through an (fantastic, rewarding but nevertheless) ordeal together raising up a child. I used to wonder how on earth so many relationships fell apart so soon after people voluntarily made the enormous commitment to each other that is deciding to have a child. I don't wonder at that any more.

So I'm not sure if childfree relationships are stronger but I think in a lot of cases they are surely not so closely examined by the participants.

No. The biggest test our relationship faced was when we were childfree and arguing over when we would have children. His resentment over being pushed into it, my resentment over being potentially denied the chance because I felt every month another month older and another chance missed.

Coming to the agreement that we would try - learning the divine art of compromise, the birth, the colick, sleepless nights have all added layers to our relationship. We have learned patience that we never had with each other, or anything, before.

Leigh halfpenny so sorry for what you've been through. I hope life is treating you far better now xx

I was MUCH happier with my partner before we had a child. We both love our child now but we don’t really love each other. We disagreed over many things to do with her upbringing when she was a baby - I thought he was too uptight, he thought I was too laid back. We have struggled financially which we wouldn’t have done without a child. Our shared interests (mainly clubbing and music) stopped. Our sex life has now dried up. But mainly I used to enjoy looking after him but now we have an actual child, I resent looking after him (as he is a man child). I don’t think I would have questioned his immaturity had we not had an actual child. However, our relationship was never that good. I just had the time to devote every minute to try and work on it and keep him happy. That has stopped now. So it is complicated and some relationships will improve when a child comes along and many won’t. My childless couple friends though do seem to be living a happy life and seemingly get on better than my couple friends with kids - but maybe we’ve all been unlucky,

@mummadeeze

However, our relationship was never that good. I just had the time to devote every minute to try and work on it and keep him happy. That has stopped now.

Bloody this with bells on.

Most women ime (definitely if one were to judge by Mumsnet!) put up with all manner of shite from the man in their life, shrug it off and work around it or justify it.

This was me for 8 years, and on a Saturday when he refused to help me whilst being sick I couldn't go on anymore, and I realised I stopped loving him a long time ago. His laziness and selfishness killed the love and respect I had for him. A lot of women put up with shit, but I just think they keep going because they love the selfish lazy git and hope he will change, but in reality he will never change.

To be honest I would like to have one more baby, but by the time I'm ready for a relationship my children will be grown ups and I don't want to start from scratch, so think I'm just gonna enjoy my life with hopefully the new man :)

The harder things in life that we’ve been through have made us stronger, loosing parents, moving house, having kids... sleepless nights included. I feel like every tough decision should bring you closer not drive you apart. I guess that’s what a partnership means to me.

We are definitely stronger with DS. It's us 3 against the world now (lighthearted!). He's an amazing father though. I imagine that helps

Child free by choice. DH and I have an amazing marriage, we couldn’t be closer or happier. Conversely, we have many friends with kids and there is often tension in those relationships. Resentment seems to be rife, whereas my DH and I totally respect each other, our home is calm and full of love, we rarely argue and never raise our voices, we are devoted to one another in a way that I doubt would be possible if we had children. One of the many reasons we decided against having children was that we enjoy being a couple without distractions.

Having said that because our marriage is so strong, if we changed our minds about our child free status, we would also be solid if we became parents.

Personally, having a child with my dp has strengthened our relationship.

Witnessing each other parent well (and there is very little we disagree on parenting wise which I think is probably a significant confounding variable) has made each of us appreciate the other just that bit more.

I'm not sure we would have lasted if we hadn't had ds tbh.

Balletqueen I'm glad things have improved for you now. I don't know how you found it in you to turn that realisation into action. But I admire it enormously! Good luck with the future.

I dunno.

My OH and I have been together for almost 16 years - we're not married, have no kids, technically have no reason to stay together, but we do, because we're best friends.

Yet I know a lot of people who are married and have kids who stay together 'for the kids', but LOATHE each other and seem to hate being in the same room.

Not scientific.

Sorry, forgot to mention that we are CFBC.

It’s not that I don’t want children, it’s just that I’ve got everything I want in DP. I genuinely can’t see how I could find more love and care and joy, not because I’ve not got any more to give, but because I’m only interested in giving it to one person. So for me personally I do feel that being just the two of us has created a much stronger and unbreakable bond.

I also think resentment is a key issue.

I didn't want children originally but dp did.

Then I fell pregnant on the pill and wanted to keep the baby which dp was delighted with.

All the way through my pregnancy he was a star, and in the early days probably did more than me, even once he was back at work and I wasn't (I had quite a difficult recovery and no fucking idea what I was doing) . He certainly couldn't be accused of not pulling his weight.

Now ds is a bit older and it's a generally even split on the workload (and mental load) we're a very happy three.

Our shared interests haven't dried up, we've kept our own friends as well as made some new 'parents' ones. Our sex life isn't shot because we only have one dc. Again only having one means there are no sibling squabbles so the house is peaceful. Ds is also well behaved which helps because he doesn't stress us out.

From what I can tell though, we seem to be the exception with regards to dps involvement in family life (school, appointments, clubs etc) being greater than normal, which is a bit of a shame I think.

I can easily see how resentment could easily set in if both partners don't pull their weight once a child comes along. If dp hadn't been as hands on as he is or either of us had dc against our better judgement I doubt it would have been anything like as plain sailing as it has been for us.

I wouldn't use MN to judge how most relationships are. People usually come on here when something is wrong in their relationship.

When things are great in our relationships I think people tend to not start threads about it for fear it comes across as boasting or smug. Besides we already have social media for that stuff.

My husband and I have been together 13 years and are currently expecting our first child. It was our decision to wait - we wanted to enjoy each other and our time together selfishly without feeling guilty about it. We have had some amazing experiences and now feel the time is right for us to start a family.

Every couple is different and I think the question is too general however, the amount of couples I have seen have children quickly then split in the first few years after, leads me to question the strength of the relationship to begin with.

We're stronger after. Before dcs I felt either of us could walk away easily. But now we have them it's like we are a team trying to achieve a common goal. Ds1 has asc and we have had an absolutely awful time, but I feel more of a secure team raising him. I do worry dh will leave as I have really low self esteem.

I think a lot depends on how sexist the relationship is. I know a lot of relationships where the man is perfectly happy (except complaining about lack of sex) because all their needs; emotional, housework, another wage, wider family maintenance work, is all done for them. The wives are less so. They are working, looking after everyone and not having any of their needs met.

Which is why relationship breakdown quite frequently leads to addiction, homelessness, early death in men. And it doesn't as much for women.

*I know couples with children who are solid, strong, loyal, and loving, and couples with no children who have one partner being unfaithful quite regularly - (usually the man.) I also know 2 childfree couples where one man is a gambler and another is a compulsive spender and they have both gotten the couple in the shit. There is very little trust or respect.

No reason at all why a childfree couple would be stronger. In fact, the strongest couples I know have children.*

Sounds like you are a bit prejudiced against people who choose not to have children.

It's only anecdotal but all the childfree couples I know are together and extremely solid. All the couples I know who are divorcing have children.

I am part of a childless couple and have been for fifteen years. It is largely by choice, we never tried for a baby, but I am sometimes sad it did not happen on its own. Anyway we have a strong marriage, but I really do not think our child status has any bearing on it. If you think a future relationship is going to be better because you won’t have children, I think you are kidding yourself.

No. Been married for over 20 years. For 19 years of that have been caring for a severely disabled child, which has been traumatic for for last few years. Marriage much stronger than it would have been without that. We’re the only two who understand the whole horrendousness of the situation, we’re the two who have had to work together for our son, we’re the two who have had to deal with blow after blow after blow.

We know our relationship is rock solid. We’re not lovey Dovey romantic but we are committed to each other & the kids & utterly committed to getting ds1 the life he should be having.