To ask if childfree couples are stronger?

[Balletqueen]

Now I'm thinking about those who are childfree by choice. Do you think they're stronger than the couples with children? I'd imagine they don't have to deal with the stress of having newborn/children, sleepless nights and fights about who's done what, competitive tiredness and goodness knows what. They have the time to do what they want, when they want. What do you think?

We have kids with Sen and I love my kids but my dh is quite selfish. The things I didn’t notice when we were younger are more apparent and having children with Sen has made life harder. I often say he parents them as if they’re neurotypical. The kids have probably kept us together to be honest as a split would be very very hard financially and he would be a very unkind person. He’s not a bad person or father but not someone I’d now chose to spend the rest of my life with.

I don't think it's the kids that weaken a relationship, I think it is just the relationship.... people meet and are in honeymoon stage, then they marry and have kids etc and that's all so exciting they don't stop and think if they are compatible for the long term.

My relationship isn't weaker being a parent, but I am very confident that it is and always has been strong. That doesn't mean we don't disagree or have cross words with each other, but we done that prior to being parents.

I am part of a family of very strong relationships, but also whereby some family members walked away from their weak relationships prior to having children or in some cases after having them. In speaking to those who separated, they always knew it wasn't right but hope they were just niggling feelings until eventually they left and have found their happiness elsewhere.

I do think it adds another dynamic being a parent, there is another person that you have to consider and as a mum, I often feel like the default parent but then I pushed my husband into the job that he does now (and enjoys) because it was right for our family however it means I deal with the kid stuff day to day.

DH and I have been together 28 years and are very happy.

No, I don’t think so at all. My PND following DS1’s birth tested our relationship, but we came out stronger and more in love.

Wow Balletqueen I really hear you. I’m 37, have two children with my ex and been separated about 18 months now. We were together 15 years, so most of our adult lives really. This question is one I’ve asked myself so much since our split. Basically, why did we fall apart after starting a family? Why weren’t the kids, who we both love so much, enough motivation to make our marriage work?

The truth is so complicated and I probably still haven’t worked it out, but in our case it was to do with roles and neuroses that we both brought into the relationship. He is quite selfish and narcissistic. I (unconsciously, at the time!) enabled that. When we didn’t have kids I didn’t mind doing all the shopping and cooking. We each had our individual interests and plenty of time to pursue them and have time together.

Add a baby into the dynamic and it was like a bomb went off. He wasn’t an easy baby either - ‘high needs’ I think is the term. Colic, velcro baby, the works. Months earlier we’d been working, partying, eating in Michelin starred restaurants. We were still kids ourselves emotiknalky. I god PND and anxiety. He became a workaholic and had affairs. By the time of my second pregnancy the writing was on the wall. He was cheating, working long hours, never home. I was resentful, angry and drained. I can’t imagine it having worked now. I think we only worked because of our carefree lifestyle. Basically we shouldn’t have had kids together! But I will say that we co-parent better now than we did when married!

I don’t think it works like that! Having kids can push your relationship to the limit. If the relationship isn’t strong, the stress of kids could end it. If it is strong then even with the extra stress, it can make you closer / stronger. You can have strong relationships with or without kids - but I’d say having them and keeping your relationship ultimately happy and intact is a sign of strength.

There are many things that test relationships. Children are surely a factor, but so is money, beliefs, health, extended family etc etc.

I am surprised at this thread really as I often hear things like "you don't know love until you've had children" which suggests families with children are closer than those without (yes I think you can be a family as just a couple, that might be weird!)

I think it depends on the couple. I met my partner as a single mum of three young kids, one with SEN and we now have a child together too.
I think raising four children together from the start of our relationship has only made us stronger. It can be a real challenge sometimes, but we're a team and were both happy.
Sometimes I think if we didn't have children we would have more time for each other and only have each other to think of. More nights out and just us in the evening. But I think if anything, having kids has made really cemented us as we face and work around challenges together. If you're with the right person, I don't think having children would weaken your relationship.

I think your 2nd post poses a completely different question to your first!!!
Having a relationship when you have existing kids with someone else will be even harder!!! There will be a lot more things that come up. Your ex will be in the mix, the kids may hate the step dad, the step dad May resent the kids, there will be money issues (you see it all the time on here, a step parent moves in with a parent and resents having to pay for stuff for exsisting kids etc)

In my (anecdotal only) experience all our child free friends have been married for over 25 years.

In a word. No.

I know couples with children who are solid, strong, loyal, and loving, and couples with no children who have one partner being unfaithful quite regularly - (usually the man.) I also know 2 childfree couples where one man is a gambler and another is a compulsive spender and they have both gotten the couple in the shit. There is very little trust or respect.

No reason at all why a childfree couple would be stronger. In fact, the strongest couples I know have children.

'Childfree by choice' is a huge category.

I have a friend who is 'childfree by choice' (and uses the phrase) because she never wanted to worry about compromising her career. She also says that she is, on occasion, desperately sad that, as a woman who grew up in 1950s/60s rural Australia, she was always made to feel that the choice was between children and career. And she's been married several times, and her most lasting marriage was when she lived on a different continent from her husband.

I would say that is an example of someone who chose not to have children, but for reasons that actually say a huge amount about the gendered expectations that come with children.

OTOH, I also know someone who's childfree by choice and will tell you cheerfully all the time that she loves children but never wanted them. And I think she means exactly that.

Exactly what I was thinking Brie.

Mine would be stronger without kids but I am hoping we get through this shit stage and come out stronger. The problem is juggling full time work, school and nursery coupled with years of poor sleep, over eating and being unhealthy takes its toll. I don't have time for "us" and if we get a night off, I want an early night and peace. Its the same for him. Relationships take investment and kids reduce the time you have for that. I do think the shared experience we have of our children who mean the world to us will get us through.

I don't know. On the plus side for childless couples, they have time and usually a higher disposable income for all the fun stuff. But they don't have the shared experience of pregnancy, childbirth and the joint responsibility in keeping alive and rearing a little person who is related to both of them.
I guess the closeness of couples is pretty couple specific. Some childless couples choose to be that way, others have had a journey which may bind them together or tear them apart. Kind of like asking if all gay people are camp or black people like rice and peas. Some do, some don't 🤷‍♀️

I thought you meant physically! I was going to say yes!

There have been some studies suggesting this:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-25732458/childless-couples-are-happier-study-suggests

but obviously it's a generalisation and I dont really know how true it is.

I don't think you can say that they are stronger. Tested less maybe...

Also perhaps less likely to stay together if things get tough so the ones who do stay together are more likely to be happy.

I think people who’ve been through stuff as a team, stuck together and come out the other side are closer. Trials and hardship come in all forms. Co-parenting is one form, but getting through nursing an elderly parent is another as is supporting a partner through illness, etc. It’s way too complex than just having kids or not. In our case, I would say our relis definitely stronger after having kids, but it’s also because we’ve been through a lot in those years (health struggles, ill parents, drama in extended family, setting up a business, etc) and that’s brought us even closer. Obviously also just depends on if your relationship was solid or shit to begin with!

Ive been with dp 5 years seeing him on/off 2 yrs prior as fwb and known him 15 years. He is my rock however it's definately more friendship and companionship now; it's just gone like that. Neither of us would cheat but it's not a full on relationship

We have dd3 and I'm pregnant with second baby due December - having tough pregnancy and very grumpy and stressed with it all

We never go out - no babysitter as family can't help and I won't leave her with anyone randome

We hardly ever have sex because we are too tired working and dealing with toddler tantrums and she's in our bed most nights

How we conceived baby number 2 is a bloody miracle

Has it put a strain on our relationship- definately! Not just us as a couple but financially too.

We never go anywhere and do anything and listening to friends going on about going on holiday/ nights out/ romantic weekends away without the kids is depressing! I know we chose to have a family but the reality is much as we love dd it's hard work!

I would guess that the unhappy couples who stay together for the sake of the children are obviously not as happy as a couple without kids who actively choose to stay together.
Basically I think a lot of people with kids stay together when deeply unhappy.

It would be interesting to see divorce statsiysics for couples with children and those childfree by choice. I think that having children can put couples under enormous strain in every regard and whilst some will come through stronger, other will collapse and still more will just muddle on through for the sake of the children. It’s impossible for anyone to know because you are one or the other, in this scenario, so how can you know?

I think that it depends on the people in the relationship. My late husband and I had an amazing relationship, but infertility broke us and he killed himself suffering from depression for a long time. I can't honestly say that if we had been able to have children he would have been ok and we would have stayed together because I don't know.

What I do know is that lots of things will test a relationship, and children are only one aspect of that. My husband's mental health issues tested ours. for other child free/childless couples there are other things. I do think that there are a lot of myths about childfree couples and their exciting lives - most of the ones I know do the same work/home/occasionally d something more exciting that everyone does.

I do think, however, that many couples stay together for the sake of the children.

I read a study that judged the overall happiness of parents vs non-parents and they found that there was a strong correlation between how much government, family, and community support a couple with children receives and how much happier they are vs non-parents.

American parents were less happy then ones without kids. Not shocking to me based on the 12 weeks of unpaid maternity leave (if you're lucky), more spread out families, and not an abundance of government support for new parents.

I think Dutch mothers were ranked the happiest with the happiest children.

So it depends on the country really, in America I think childfree couples definitely have an edge, but no matter the support on places newborn is always going to add strain to a relationship.