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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hope to receive same as sibling?

63 replies

NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 20/10/2018 16:37

My sibling got married this year. It was brilliant I really loved the whole thing.

My parents paid for everything from the venue and the dress right down to the invites and favours. They’re not loaded but they’re pretty comfortable and they were happy to do it.

I love attending weddings but I can’t see myself ever having one. It’s just not for me. If I ever did it it’d be a very small affair. Maybe while on holiday and then come home hire a hall and have a party. If I ever did this I’d want to pay for it all.

My question is would I be super unreasonable to broach the subject of maybe getting a similar amount of money to the wedding cost from my parents?

I’m not well off and it could do a lot of long term good. If I had that sort of money I’d hopefully pass my driving test and buy a car, look into buying my council house and possibly doing an OU degree.

My parents are wonderful people and I’d hate to be grabby or cheeky so give it to me straight MN am I being a grabby cow?

OP posts:
EthelHornsby · 20/10/2018 17:50

People have different needs. I’ve just paid a large amount towards my daughters wedding. I have 3 other children who show no signs of getting married, so I’m playing it by ear. If they have a similar need for funding it will happen, but treating everyone equally does not mean everyone gets the same present as the birthday girl

grumiosmum · 20/10/2018 17:56

YABVU.

My parents paid for my wedding 17 years ago (traditional). My brother got married the same year, his wife's parents paid for their wedding (also traditional).

There was no expectation that there should be an equal amount for each child.

theWarOnPeace · 20/10/2018 18:07

I’m going to go against the consensus and say YANBU. I understand what pp are saying about it being up to them, they chose to pay for a wedding not for a lump sum etc. As someone with an elder sibling who has had loads of massive things paid for, with me getting nothing, I do sometimes wonder how much was spent on their wedding, holidays, new kitchen, appliances when needed, stuff for kids - that I quite literally have never received myself. Not a penny. The issue is not really financial I don’t think per se, my sibling is a fair bit older and started a family very young, whereas I was fairly late so there’s probably 12-15 years separating what was bought for them and what I’ve then had to go out and pay for myself. My mum’s response was no, she didn’t save up equal amounts for each of us, she once had savings and spent loads on sibling - now doesn’t have much in savings so that’s that. If parents are willing to pay 20K for one big day, surely they can help with a deposit for their other child? I don’t think kids need everything to balanced out to the penny, but if you choose to have no wedding or a quiet wedding or whatever I do think they should give you a boost in another way.

GeoffreysCat · 20/10/2018 18:10

Rude. Stand on your own two feet. I'm sure if you were in dire straits your parents would offer to help if they can.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/10/2018 18:14

Not unreasonable to hope. Unreasonable to ask.

This.

My parents did bung my bachelor brother the cost of my small wedding. Because they choose to. But he would never have asked.

BackforGood · 20/10/2018 18:22

Not the same thing unfortunately. Your sister’s wedding was not just for her but an event for your whole family, and I’m sure your parents enjoyed the process of planning and loved having their close friends and relatives celebrate with them on the happy occasion.

this ^

If you want to ask them for a loan to be able to buy your home, or to study, or whatever your strongest 'wish' is, then do that, but don't link it to your sister's wedding.
Treating your dc fairly is about supporting them, as best as you can, as and when they have a need, not writing out a cheque to the other dc any time you help out one of your dc.

Petitepamplemousse · 20/10/2018 18:24

Well it depends how close you are with your parents. I asked mine and they gave me the money which I used to pay for a postgraduate degree and towards a car. I knew they would give me money when I got married as they had my sister. Since I’m still single, I very politely asked whether it might be possible for me to have the money anyway, and they said that was fine. One day if I do get married I will self-fund it.

However - my parents are rather well-off, and had always budgeted this money for all our weddings.

YoumeandlittleP · 20/10/2018 18:27

That's ridiculously cheeky imo. If they've saved to pay for your sibling's wedding that is entirely their choice. Presumably they've saved this money/found it from somewhere to enable your sibling to get married. Why do you think that you're entitled to the equivalent amount? By your own volition, you don't want a big wedding. I can't see how asking them for the equivalent even enters your head. I'd also say that they've probably already thought about you in this situation and will speak to you about it in due course.

Alpacanorange · 20/10/2018 18:27

I would be quite annoyed if my children did this, for example first dc took 5 attempts to pass her driving test paid for by us, my second dc passed first time, jeez I would have blown my top if he asked for the difference.

Petitepamplemousse · 20/10/2018 18:27

Maybe my situation is a little difference though as my mum and dad had already explicitly said i would be given the money for the wedding one day. So really I wasn’t so much asking for the money as asking for it early.

Petitepamplemousse · 20/10/2018 18:28

*different

junebirthdaygirl · 20/10/2018 18:40

What about dc in college? We had one doing regular undergraduate/ another a regular masters on top of that and finally one doing an expensive masters. We paid what was required. No loans in this country. Should ee balance it up? Hasn't occured to us.
My dps gave us money towards our wedding. Total surprise as we had already saved. I have absolutely no idea if they gave the same to my many siblings. We never discussed it.

Rudgie47 · 20/10/2018 18:46

I think its really grabby, you should wait to be offered. What about just paying your own way for everything? Whats wrong with that?
No one I know has ever got massive handouts.
Fair enough if you were at risk of losing your home or something otherwise no its wrong.

Original poster
NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 20/10/2018 18:48

Thank you everyone. It’s a fairly unanimous I would be U. I’d be mortified to ever upset my parents so I shan’t be broaching the subject at all with them.

@Petitepamplemousse (that’s my absolute favourite French word by the way). That’s a similar ish situation to mine. They’ve always told me they’d happily fund my wedding as they have my sisters.

They recently offered to fund a long haul trip to attend a good friends wedding across the globe but as life would have it I would be unable to attend anyway.

I know I seem grabby and awful but honestly I promise I’m not. I’ve always stood on my own two feet and haven’t asked for anything. I’m just really boringly practical. Instead of a wedding or a long haul trip I’d much rather get my drivers licence etc.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 20/10/2018 18:55

Youd be seriously grabby to ask.

My Brother is married & I know my parents contributed to the cost. I have no idea how much but it never crossed my mind to expect the same. I know if I'd got married I'd have got the equivalent (or more) but I didn't get married.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 20/10/2018 19:01

I think it may be depends on how they funded the wedding with your sister. If I was 'here's £x, do what you want with it' and she went away and organised it by herself then I think it's kind of like a cash gift and it might be easier to bring up something similar. If it was more them helping plan the day and they had sway over decisions and invited more of their friends etc then it's a bit more difficult as they were getting more out of it. For example if your sister wanted a small wedding at first and they persuaded her to go bigger and paid then it was more about them being involved in the day.

Why don't you start a conversation with them along the lines of if you wanted to get married you think you'd do it cheaply as you'd prefer to put money towards something to invest in your future, and just see how the conversation goes before making up your mind whether to ask or not

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/10/2018 19:01

Given your last post, it sounds like your parents would be happy to fund something/s for you, depending on your relationship dynamics asking or mentioning you’d like to do x but can’t afford to doesn’t seem like it would be an issue for them as it would be for other parents.

BoomBoomsCousin · 20/10/2018 19:01

If they’ve offered to fund a big trip to someone else’s wedding, it may be they are looking for something to even things up, but don’t think it’s reasonable to offer you cash when your sister didn’t get the same sort of freedom of choice. So I’m with the others who say reasonable to hope, unreasonable to ask. But I would also say that mentioning things you would like to do but can’t afford may give them an opportunity to be more equal.

SandyY2K · 20/10/2018 19:08

My question is would I be super unreasonable to broach the subject of maybe getting a similar amount of money to the wedding cost from my parents?

Yes. I think it would be unreasonable. They're paying for a wedding. If you want a small one that's your choice...but if my child asked me this I'd be quite ticked off.

Johnnyfinland · 20/10/2018 19:10

I’m going to go against the grain but if it was me I’d bring it up (probably in a jokey way). Why is a big wedding more important than you wanting a car or a course? The wedding, and the size of it, is only really of importance to the people marrying, so it isn’t for your parents to judge that it’s more important to fund that than help you buy something you want. To some people getting a new car far outweighs the importance of a wedding! Depends on priorities. People seem to think weddings are in a category of their own and exempt from all other unspoken rules around fairness but I disagree. A big flashy wedding as as much a material thing as a car

Original poster
NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 20/10/2018 19:12

@AmIRightOrAMeringue They were not at all involved in the wedding planning. My sister has always had a very clear picture of the wedding she wanted and all decisions were made by her. She wants to be a wedding planner as a career. My parents made the bank transfers and signed the cheques.

I feel as if talking about things I’d like to do but can’t afford may seem a little manipulative. I like to be straight up. Maybe I’ll ask for a couple of driving lessons for my upcoming birthday and take it from there.

My parents are kind generous and wonderful in every way. I shall just appreciate that I have them as it’s something money can’t buy.

OP posts:
Pinkyyy · 20/10/2018 19:32

Well first of all don't rule out the fact that one day you may want to get married and they would most certainly want to pay for your wedding too. But you would definitely be unreasonable to ask for cash for this reason and it would come across like you were jealous of your sister (you don't seem to be but it would look this way)

Your parents sound wonderful and I'm sure if you discussed a way in which they could help you-all like learning to drive-in they would be more than happy to do this for you

nervousFTM · 20/10/2018 19:33

I'm one of 4 and my parents have really made sure we are all treated equally. My younger sister has even been given money equal to what me and my other sister were gifted towards our weddings even though she's single. I would wait it out as they won't have forgotten you! Sounds like it's just you and your sister which makes me think even more that they will also gift you

Ilikeknitting · 20/10/2018 19:38

Asking for the equivalent amount of your siblings wedding because you’re not planning a wedding comes across as grabby.

If your sister had 6 children and you have none, do you expect your sister to get the same amount spent on her and her six children as you get spent on you?

Original poster
NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 20/10/2018 19:42

It’s not that they paid for my sisters wedding and I want the exact to the penny amount. It’s more that they’d happily pay for my wedding too but I’d much rather use the money for something more practical.

OP posts:
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