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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have a christening?

41 replies

Marliyaloo · 20/10/2018 08:36

Neither mine or DPs family is religious. There is also conflict within each family, family scattered all over the country etc so it would be difficult to bring everyone together. DPs not really bothered. I'm not, i'd rather spend that money on DDs first birthday or her savings.

DPs family though, particularly MIL (I really dont want to make this a MIL one I would be just as annoyed if DM acted like this), are really pushing for one.

From driving home from the hospital 4 days after birth, MIL said she can't wait for the christening to be at her local church. No mention of me or where my family might like a christening to be. We told her we don't want a christening.

When DD was a week old, she went on and on about how she can wear a family gown which has been passed down, at their local church, and go to her favourite pub for the after party (if that's the word?). Again no mention about my family and this upset my DM as she was there. She text me after saying MIL was being overbearing and rude, would she like me to have a quiet word and I said no.

Again, MIL mentions the christening a few times over text and each time I've said we don't want one and the reasons why. She'll say "aw that's a shame" then bring it up again later. DP woke up to a text from her saying she has the availible dates for next month, can he ring her to discuss booking.

AIBU to not want a christening, especially organised and conducted by MIL? Part of me wants to agree so she'll drop it.

OP posts:

TulipsInBloom1 · 20/10/2018 08:38

Yanbu. Your dp is BU for not sorting this nonsense out.

Original poster

Marliyaloo · 20/10/2018 08:39

He has said no to her too. She's just very persistent. He text her back saying "we don't want one though?" and shes opened the message but ignored

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Sexnotgender · 20/10/2018 08:40

Fuck agreeing with it to please her.

She has had her chance to raise children as she wishes. This is your child and your decision.

DO NOT BACK DOWN.

TulipsInBloom1 · 20/10/2018 08:41

He needs to be firmer.

Mum, you are not listening. Dc will not be christened, regardless of how much you harass me. Any further mention of any sort of christening talk will be ignored.

WeeBeasties · 20/10/2018 08:41

I think Christening your child when you are not religious is a very strange thing to do. You certainly shouldn't do it to appease a grandparent.

If she's into tradition rather than religion you could offer to do a low key naming ceremony, or organise a photo shoot where DD can wear the gown and get some family portraits?

Sexnotgender · 20/10/2018 08:42

Give it a week of very firm no’s and then tell her if she continues to fail to respect your wishes you’re blocking her number.

This is not her decision to make.

Verbena87 · 20/10/2018 08:42

We’re not religious, so won’t be having a christening. I think it’s disrespectful to go into someone else’s sacred space and pretend you believe in their faith for the sake of some nice photos/because it’s ‘what people do’ - surely that’s not what churches are for? I think it makes a mockery of people who are religious and who use that space as it is designed to be used. I also think it’s not great starting your baby’s journey by demonstrating that you should lie about your beliefs in order to fit in. Maybe say some of that to MIL.

stellabird · 20/10/2018 08:42

Just keep saying no. And if she messages about it again, ignore it. You're not religious, there is no reason for you to do this. Don't "go along with it" because next time she gets an idea you'll be stuck with it again. Say no and mean it.

mindutopia · 20/10/2018 08:43

Neither of our dc were christened. We aren’t Christian. If you aren’t an engaged practising Christian, it’s disingenuous to have a christening for attention (as your MIL is doing). Your dh needs to say no, we’re not having a christening so please do not bring it up again. If she does, I’d just phase her out a bit until she finally gets the message.

CherryPavlova · 20/10/2018 08:43

You’re not being unreasonable. If you are not Christians, why would you want to make promises about raising the child as a Christian? I suspect the Christening is the first and most enduring ‘whopper’ and hypocritical act most parents make. Pretty sure many actively anti-faith school, anti-faith, Christmas is a heather festival types had a Christening - your stance is more honourable.

Your parents and inlaws will be disappointed though. Christening is the norm. Using heirloom gowns is a lovely tradition that you are stopping. They want to be involved and show pride in their grandchild. That’s normal, so perhaps forgive them and be gentle however irritating. Have some empathy and life will be more pleasant. Could you agree to,a couple of photographs in the family gown and a tea for the grandparents?

SputnikBear · 20/10/2018 08:43

Your DP needs to have words with her. Tell her you won’t be having a christening and you don’t want it mentioned again. We also aren’t having a christening because we’re atheists and several people are annoyed. I don’t see what business it is of theirs.

Ceecee18 · 20/10/2018 08:44

YANBU. MIL (who's usually completely understanding) kept pushing for a christening for DD. Neither me nor DP are religious or have been christened. We just kept repeating it's not happening but that might not work here. I think you need to send her a text (so it's written down, there can be no misunderstanding), flat out explaining it will not be happening and she is to stop asking or trying to organise one.

Then if she does don't take your DD, the cost of it will fall on her and it'll be her emabarrased when there's a christening with no baby.

Original poster

Marliyaloo · 20/10/2018 08:44

He said if she replies he will just tell her firmer, we don't want it!
I know Beasties, for me I find it slightly offensive having a christening if you are not one bit religious. Using it for tradition lessens the value of it to me.

Photoshoot is a good idea.

OP posts:

MPForFlydaleNorth · 20/10/2018 08:45

If she is a church goer she should understand that baptism is a religious ceremony, and if you're not religious you don't want to participate. If YOU and DP want a party to introduce YOUR baby to extended family and have photos etc then go for it, but only if that is what you want

JoyfulMystery · 20/10/2018 08:45

We’re both from extremely devout families, and were brought up in a very devout society. Our parents were devastated we didn’t baptise our child. We still didn’t.

Original poster

Marliyaloo · 20/10/2018 08:46

Verbena exactly what i mean!

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Thesearmsofmine · 20/10/2018 08:46

YANBU you just have to be firm.

wafflyversatile · 20/10/2018 08:47

Its not like he hasn't told her already.

Your dp needs to say . As we have already told you We don't want to get DC christened. Don't bring it up again. We will not change our minds.

Or tell her you got DC christened last week in a small intimate ceremony.

Original poster

Marliyaloo · 20/10/2018 08:47

MP She's not a churchgoer at all. I think she's only ever been church for her DCs christrenings and weddings

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Original poster

Marliyaloo · 20/10/2018 08:48

Waffly great idea

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Sexnotgender · 20/10/2018 08:52

She’s not a church goer?

That makes it so much worse, I’d assumed she was a regular.

Tell her other people’s religion is not there for her photo opportunities.

Original poster

Marliyaloo · 20/10/2018 08:54

I've text her saying along the lines of thanks for offering to help but we are not going to change our minds, i dont like the idea of using peoples religion to show DD off for a day and its a bigger faff than it is worth, hope you understand....

Fingers crossed this is the end of it

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IWantChocolates · 20/10/2018 08:56

When I was younger and a Christian, it used to bug me that people would come along to our Sunday service (basically free so a popular choice), dressed up like for a wedding, make us sit through their child's christening and participate, make vows to raise the child as Christian in front of us... and then never be seen again. Just because they wanted the church in the photos and get all dressed up.

Even my mum, a Christian, wishes she hasn't had me christened as a baby, but she gave in to family pressure. She wanted me to make my own choices in life.

Alfie19 · 20/10/2018 08:57

I would not get involved, I would it let it bother me for a second, I would ignore it and leave DP to sort out his parent.

Original poster

Marliyaloo · 20/10/2018 08:58

@Chocolates I come from a Christian family but its more my grandmother. She was disappointed when I said DD wasnt being christened but understood and said herself theres just no point. It doesnt mean anything to us because we are not practicing Christians

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