AIBU to be shocked and saddened by teachers feedback on DS's work and how can I help him manage his anxiety?

[InnerPeacer]

So bit of background DS7 has always soared academically, but has always struggled socially and emotionally. He came on leaps and bounds last year but has really slipped back this half term - very negative about himself at home, and gets very angry about 'not doing things well enough'. We have discussed with school ASD but was advised he'd be unlikely to get a diagnosis...
So for parents evening his confidence and self esteem was my prime focus of discussion.
First sat down and immediately was told he is very bright, in all top sets etc. But the whole tone was just felt negative. Comments such as XXX doesn't listen, he doesn't conform, he's a loner (those actual words), he lacks confidence (almost said with contempt though). I was quite upset by the force of it, but when I asked about strategies to support him, was told he didn't need any he just needed to grow up. I was then left quite cross when I read his books, there were NO positive comments or feedback. It was either a green tick (I assume means good) or comments such as 'XXX, I expect much more of you', 'XXX, this is NOT good enough', 'XXX, you must do better'... no advice how to achieve these things, just those comments. I struggle to understand how this is seen as a good strategy to support a child who a) is identified as very bright but b) who is known in the school as anxious and highly self critical with suspected ASD.
There was this one bit which really upset me. A mostly nicely written page of a story where there were a couple of errors towards the end. The work got marked half way through and a couple of big red circles put around a couple of minor errors. DS had got so upset with the work that there was this massive angry cross through the whole work, really scribbled heavily with the hand. I asked about this incident. The ONLY comment from the teacher was that she pointed this out as an example where DS doesn't listen - because work should only have a single line through it if wrong. I said surely the focus here is a 7 year old is really so upset with his work which obviously took ages that he puts a huge angry cross through all of it. Nope she was just annoyed he didn't put a single line.
I just don't understand how a teacher can on one hand say he's very bright but confidence is an issue, and then not reflect on the type of feedback she gives the child. And this is the language we now have DS talking about himself at home, saying 'he's' not good enough', 'must do better', 'must try harder'.
I've been happy with school up till now and my other son is thriving there. This is a new teacher and only recently qualified - I will be speaking to head-teacher after half term - but how would you proceed? what strategies can I suggest to them to more positively support DS? What can I do at home to counter this?

Jesus, he's 7! Our parent teacher evening this week for our DS (also 7) focussed on the fact he's a happy kind boy who can read well and needs a bit of support with his handwriting !!! His teacher said he'll get it in time with some help and encouragement 👍. Your teacher sounds brutal! Neighbours DD is teacher training and said her DD struggles with setting homework as the requirement is for such high standards and she can see the children withering in front of her eyes. She's teaching/learning Year 1. Thanks so much Michael Gove 😳😩

This sounds similar to a child I knew with suspected ASD. The school took the same punitive approach with this child, refused to acknowledge the suspected ASD, and treated them like they were badly behaved / lazy. The other children picked up on the way the child was being targeted by teaching staff and bullying began. The school wouldn't deal with the bullying, instead blaming the child's "difficult behaviour".

It had a seriously detrimental impact on that child, that affected them severely outside of school too.

The transformation was incredible once the family got the child properly assessed and diagnosed - followed by moving them to a school that was supportive and properly met their needs, making all the reasonable adjustments needed, providing proper support, etc etc.

Within a short period of time after moving the child's distress just seemed to melt away and was replaced by rapidly growing confidence and social abilities. Where they had been isolated before, they then began to form friendships.

Both schools were mainstream state schools, just one was negligent and punitive and the other took its responsibilities seriously.

I'm sharing this to try and give you some hope. In the right environment, with the right support things can be different.

Push for assessment and diagnosis. It's not up to the school.

Thank you and just to respond to a couple of the points.
I know she is newly qualified (this is her first post after her NQT year) as I know of her by association - not directly. I don't think she is a bad person at all, but I also don't think she is meeting my sons needs, and a lack of experience may be hindering that. I feel she needs support rather than me getting too cross.
I absolutely agree re the pp who mentioned about sets, I reiterated throughout the meeting that I really wasn't concerned what 'set' he was in, his happiness, confidence and social skills are far more important.
And yes last year he had a brilliant, very experienced teacher and thrived, this year without that scaffolding he's plummeting. The anxiety/ low confidence and lack of being able to manage emotions sort of sits under the surface with him all the time, but with the right support he copes really well, but he is rocked easily.

I spoke to him about this morning and he told me his teacher hates him and he can't do anything right. His words were - 'she doesn't think I'm a person with feelings, and my feelings are hurt every day'. I've also written to an external support service that specialises in intervention support for anxiety and low confidence for some help (I don't mind paying for this) and will meet with HT and Senco after half term. Thank you every one for the support and advice.

Effective feedback is a really hot topic in teaching at the moment and 'must try harder' is pretty much the opposite of what is being recommended.

The feedback should always suggest how he might improve his work, and then there should be an opportunity for him to make some changes.

If she is new to the profession, i'm surprised her tutors weren't all over this tbh.

I'm a teacher and this is not how I mark. When giving feedback, you need to try and find the positives as it helps to motivate the student - which most of them require at that age!

Yes, constructive criticism is also necessary in order to improve, but it just sounds like this teacher has honed in on all the negatives, has clearly set the bar very high for your son and he is therefore not meeting expectations.

The teacher absolutely needs to have a strategy in place to help him succeed and reach his potential. Which can be frustrating, when you think that a student has the ability to do this themselves, but just can't be bothered. Perhaps this is the perception of the teacher? I'm not saying they are dealing with this in the correct way at all, but it may help to shed some light on their behaviour?

Ultimately, the teacher is not providing adequate feedback, who knows why? Perhaps they are stressed, busy, frustrated etc? Which is no excuse, as it's part and parcel of the job these days.

What a horrible way of marking the work of a 7 year old (or any age for that matter). What on earth was he supposed to take from those comments; there is nothing constructive there at all. I am really astonished by the level of negativity; she surely didn’t learn that on her teaching course!

She sounds totally lacking in empathy. Instead of being concerned about how her marking has led to a child crossing out an otherwise good piece of work, she is more concerned that he has not crossed it out in the prescribed way. I would definitely speak to the head about this.

Poor lad, that sounds really quite shit for him. I'm glad you're on the case talking to school and externally. Over the half term keep praising any bits of work or other things he does, maybe take him out for a favourite activity to build him up again where you can. Hopefully this self esteem dip will pass with raising issue and getting the right support in school.

We had an nqt in reception (there are some great nqt's, so not knocking nqt's generally) who made me feel like a terrible mother and that my son was lazy, had an 'attitude' and was well behind all the other kids (he had sailed through nursery with comments about how well behaved he was, so bit of a shock and horrible introduction to school for us). He was given sheets and sheets of homework to do each day and couldn't cope. We regularly had tears so I stopped the sheets. She then told me 'everyone else is managing to do them' and I should get DS to do them or he'll fall further behind! I was so worried about him i took him to a private tutor! (He was 4/5 for goodness sake!!!!) the tutor loved him and could see no problems at all! She commented he was bright and right where he should be with reading, writing, maths etc... and reassured me that in reception they are all different and had no doubts he'd go on to be just fine! I felt this was v reassuring.

He's now year 2. Year 1 was plain sailing, passed his phonics check etc... and year 2 - so far so good!

The reception teacher has left! (Good luck to her!) We stopped the private tutoring end of reception (he didn't need it!) and year 1 and 2 teachers have been great for him.

I think there will always be 1 terrible teacher in a child's life. I am sorry you are going through this. Talk to the head, get senco invovled, but also take heart from the fact it is the teacher who is the problem here, not your DS.

The thing is that kind of feedback has been out since I was at school. It certainly would be a cause for concern if a teacher here was using it. She is an nqt so shoult be up to do with how to encourage and engage all children, how to give appropriate feedback with next stepa clearly identified and a success criteria if needed. She actually sounds like a bully and is picking on your son due to her own inability to do her job. (Sorry but my work everyday deals with the consequences of these teacherswho ride rough shod over their pupils,especially those with an additional need).
Ideas such as growth mindset can help with self esteem in the classroom, a big part of this is knowing that mistakes are learning tools rather than awful things. The school shoupd be looling to identify what the barriers are for your son. Does he need a working area with fewer distractions, more symbolised instructions and a clearer success criteria and learning intention. At least the the auccess criteria the teacher could mark against that to give poaitive next steps.
She also needs to change the language she uses around your son and he most certainly doesn't need to just grow up! He is 7. All the best sorting this.

@Thisreallyisafarce
If the ONLY comments on work are negative, with no constructive comments to allow for improvement then yes I absolutely would say it, and no I don't think it's inappropriate to do so. At child ages 7 should not receive such poor feedback.

Another vote for an ASD assessment. Start now, it can take a long time via the NHS route.
IF he has ASD he was born with it, if he doesn't an assessment will rule it out. Contrary to popular belief, an ASD diagnosis is not something that's easily obtained, there's usually a team of professional medics involved, often Paed, Ed Psych, Sensory OT and SLT.
www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/children.aspx

See your GP without your son, take a list of symptoms outlined in your posts on here and ask for a referral for an ASD assessment.

Anything in here ring any bells? If so add to the list of symptoms.
www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?v=201507131117

Do not listen to anyone who says if he has empathy and can make eye contact he's not autistic, both statements are absolutely not true, but are often spouted by the ignorant, some of whom are professionals.

This is so sad. My son has had a teacher (sadly for two consecutive years!) who he said after just a few weeks didn't like him. I got the same impression to be honest. She's since taught my daughter, who really liked her- and as a result she seemed to respond totally differently to me too. I was no longer the parent of the 'naughty' child. My son has ADHD (undiagnosed at the time) and this teacher didn't seem to like that she couldn't get him to 'conform'. It's a shame because apart from this, she seems like a good teacher!

I'd also like to add that the best teacher he's had was an NQT. She seemed to just 'get' him, and tried so hard to support him. She always found something positive to say even when he'd had a bad day and that made a real difference. We both miss her now that he's moved on!

moanaschicken

If that was consistent through the book, I would agree there are grounds for complaint. I still don't think you should be demanding to know whether marking is formative or summative - that is trying to tell someone how to do their job. And, sometimes, a comment in a book is neither. It is about communicating with the child. Sometimes, "You need to put your best effort into your work" IS the feedback.

Poor lad! No bloody wonder he feels crap if he has to deal with that everyday! I wouldn't put up with that as an adult from a manager at work, nevermind for a kid from a teacher!

@Thisreallyisafarce asking if a piece of work was formative or summative is key. It's a question. Not a judgement on the marking. Fairly standard in my school.

moanaschicken

Not really. Not all work is going to be formatively or summatively assessed, so sometimes the answer isn't "key" at all.

moanaschicken

And to be honest, I think trying to tell the teacher how to do her job is just going to get her back up. If there isn't enough positive feedback across the book, fair enough. Commenting that a child hasn't made any effort is perfectly reasonable, in my view, providing, when they do try, that is recognised as well and developmental feedback given at appropriate points.

This post made me so sad

I would hope teacher is inexperienced rather than callous

Are there any parents you can sound out in a non gossipy way ?

But your son deserves so much better

What are formative and summative assessments?
Ours get ticks, dots, wiggly lines, and praise sandwiches. And love school.

Tidy2018

It's just a wanky way of saying that some assessment (formative) is mainly about helping the child to improve, and some assessment (summative) is about measuring progress. Obviously that ignores the fact that sometimes assessment is both, and sometimes comments in work aren't forms of assessment, but they are feedback.