To resent my dad..

[loulou1995]

Today I received a whatapp message from my dad who is retired, living in Thailand and who haven't seen for 3 years saying he is officially married to a thai woman. I have never met or spoken to her and now she's "officially got the same name" as me.

Neither I not my DB went to his 'Buddhist wedding' about a year ago - I wasn't invited and my DB had college and dad wouldn't budge on date. He's made it official today for a visa for her.

I've always been a 'daddies girl' and the clear favourite, he's never really liked DB who not long ago confessed how awful dad had been when he was younger - swilled drinks in his face for acting up (acting as a normal young child would) etc. We've had many arguments over the years about nonsense. He wouldn't lend me £50 until pay day for food shopping, the single and only time I asked to borrow cash for a week. And everything feels strained, he doesn't feel like a parent.

We both feel completely let down and I'm just so angry for my brother. He's has loads of issues and just hasn't ever had a dad to lean on or be there for advice and it's messed with his head.

Anyway, now hes married and touchy subject maybe but I'm worried about inheritance. My grandad worked himself into the ground setting up a business and with assets included is worth over a million, also, he owns the only childhood home we have left - somewhere I always imagined my own kids playing and I don't want it to leave the family.

Dads always been money savvy (skimmed earnings so CPS couldn't take much, tied mum up in knots over a house on and on) and I don't think between them they would risk losing it all to someone new. Because she will absolutely outlive him, and what happens then?

AIBU to be concerned and more than a bit resentful?

YABVU - he is entitled to marry whoever he wants and dispose of his money however he wants

Is your Grandad still alive?

I don't think yabu but your dad doesn't sound like a good man.
If I was you I'd feather your own nest.

Can't say I blame you. Is it a power play to keep you dangling? He sounds like a dick.

I understand where you’re coming from cuz it’s actually awful to think someone you don’t know at all get anything/everything (if of course the business and house are all in his name) your family worked so hard for.
Gotto say, maybe a very awkward conversation is in order...

I would not worry about it because there is no point spending energy on things you cannot change. You are not entitled to an inheritance. I hope that he will consider you both and make provision of course, but if he doesn't that is his prerogative. Many people do not inherit anything, either because of situations like this or simply because there is nothing to inherit.

Yeah he's still alive, he was really unwell a couple of months ago. I rushed him to hospital and cancelled my holiday to stay with him (of course, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else) but I couldn't even get hold of dd. When I did he said I should "let him know if he needs to come back", if he's going to die he means, him being critically ill in hospital doesn't warrant a visit. Worth mentioning he was going to visit but couldn't get a visa for her so that's 3 years he hasn't bothered to see his dad and his son.

Surely yes obviously going to leave it to his new wife?

You are grown up. Your dad can marry who he likes.
Ask your dad about inheritance if it bothers you and if it turns out he's left you something but not your brother then make sure you share it with him.
He may outlive you anyway so you are wasting your time worrying.

What if your brother had wanted the family home? Who lives in it now if your dad lives abroad?

You can’t be that close if you haven’t seen him for 3 years.

He didn’t owe you £50 and he doesn’t owe the money he may or may not leave behind him when he dies.

Your post is a bit confused. You’re the favourite but you feel he treats you poorly. You have little meaningful relationship now but you expected to go to his wedding. You resent him not giving/lending you a small amount in the past yet expect him to give you a house when he dies.

I’d send a card and a gift congratulating them on their wedding and show you’re making an effort to embrace their decision.

I'd worry about inheritance too. I know a family where this happened, they weren't allowed to speak to their dad when he went into hospital there. He died, Thai wife and her children (not his with her, hers from before) got everything and they threw out all heirlooms and sentimental items such as childhood family photo albums.

Of course, and I don't believe we are 'entitled' to anything. But I know for a fact both grandparent would turn in their graves having worked so hard for family and their grandchildren not seeing a thing. A conversation is in order, on my next visit I'm going to ask grandad what he thinks and how he feels - we've always been very close and he's a little too open about money matters. To be honest I don't care about the money, I just wish I had some form of a dad

It will be confused, I'm all over the shop today.

To clarify - if db wanted the family home we would talk and agree, we're very close (funny sharing a lousy parent pushes you closer together), my grandad currently lives in it.

No we're not close now, at all - and it upsets me every day. He lost interest when he left, I HAD always been close to him growing up.

Of course he doesn't owe me 50 and i'd never expect money, but if i had a child in need of food shopping i'd gladly help, may I add i asked to borrow, not have it? I've never asked for a penny and I needed help, who else do you ask if you can't ask a parent?

I would have expected an invite.

No you're confused, I resent his crappy behaviour, lack of interest in his son, the years of kicked in doors and drugs (nice little one he told me a few years ago - mum was boring so he used to put things in her drink, what a laugh), I resent him for all of that.

As a mother-to-be, I really don't understand some of the attitudes towards inheritance on here. My son will absolutely know he will inherit. Me and DH have agreed that if, God forbid, we ever split, we wouldn't remarry and muddy the waters. Equally, I expect to inherit from my parents. Family first and we all agree. Also, re the £50, it's terrible to say he didn't owe his own daughter. I can't imagine ever letting my child go without food and , again, if I was stuck my parents would help me without a second thought. I would do the same for them too. It is how family works.

I am not bothered about being pc and will admit that first thing that came to mind was the fact that ur dad is marrying into a culture well known to support wider family financially. Then reading on about sizeable assets and the fact you and brother not included in wedding plans etc then it is looking like his new wife probably didnt encourage your dad to make it possible for his children to be included. If in future you are not contacted much by your dad or there is conflict whenever contact occurs then I would definetly suspect his new wife is happy to have your dad isolated from his children and it could be so she is sole beneficiary and he wont make a will to include children. If new wife suddenly becomes a doting dil if your grandad is not sure about leaving assets to ur dad as want it kept in family then it will be absolute proof that his wife married for financial security. Hopefully that isnt the case and ur dad is not going to cause the family to lose assets to benefit his wife and family.

So by speaking to your grandfather, are you hoping that he’ll leave the house to you / your brother & cut your dad out?

If the new wife is younger, then she may well have a child with your father (I can almost guarantee this if she’s only in it for the money) in which case the house would be “staying in the family”, the only difference is you would not be the grandchild living there.

@liverbird77 That's how I have always felt and been brought up to feel. I've always been told from my dad and his side not to ever worry because family is family and we'll help you when we're gone. As I would with my kids. The £50 thing, I didn't feel I was owed it as others have said it just hurt, a lot, that he wouldn't want to help when I really needed it. I not longer get a relationship, advice, any form of support, the least a crap father can do is chuck you half a food shop. Which I would have returned in less than a week on payday. I don't like asking for anything and I was sheepish to ask but clearly rightly so.

@mbhatescf123 I hope that's not the case. I want him to be happy and I'm happy he is (at the expense of his 'first ' family). But I don't believe gramps isn't fully aware and I think he probably knows something I don't so we'll see after we talk

@tinkety I don't know, not necessarily. But the next thing I'm thinking is if they come over here and live in gramps house then dad dies and it stays with her. Yeah he mentioned if they ever have a child. Apart from my concerns I think it's ridiculous to have a child at an old age. My friends dad is 85 and she's crippled with responsibility it ruined her childhood. Yeah with the family name perhaps, but a stranger will never be family to us

I, sorry you've got such a disappointment as a father. It just hurt to have been his favourite but to have been let so badly down. And now it must feel as though you have been replaced.

But your post seems to be primarily about inheritance. Your grandad isn't dead yet. Your father isn't dead yet. Don't you think you're being a bit presumptious?

To be honest, I think you and your DB might be happier if you just put DF out of your minds and lives. Love and care for your grandad as you have been doing. Be united in your love for each other, but don't factor DF into your lives.

I think you need to have a conversation with your a grandad about his plans, if there is a will especially now his son has married a younger woman.

If your grandad wants the house to.stay in the family perhaps he could leave it to you and your brother and bypass your his son. Or he may want his son inherit in which case you will be upset but there will be nothing you can do.

@gazelda Unfortunately that's the direction the thread took, feelings would be a whole other essay! I just wish we didn't have to put him out our minds, I wish he'd saddle up and parent his son and live in the same country and care a little. I know it seems very money related, but there are a lot of feelings tied in, to the house for example. Grandad has been going downhill for a while and he's so alone, surely his son should take an interest in the last year's of his life. I won't have him go into a home, he'd rather die. So I know in the not so near future I'll uproot myself and partner to move closer, or in with, him and mind carers etc. Of course I would never shift the responsibility because I love him, but should it be just mine? That side of the family has always been orientated about money and the nest egg grandma and grandad built and I know, just as I would, they wanted to support our lives as we have been told countless times. The whole family hurts over this, my DB cried today he hasnt since he was a kid. I'm sick of talking about the money, aside from all that it breaks my heart he doesn't have a father and never really has

*distant future

@loulou1995 It is easy for people to judge, for example the first reply you had is from someone who makes your situation seem very black and white. “You’re an adult, grow up, your dad can do what he likes”.

I am 27, I have recently been disowned by my father, no argument, no fall out, no reason - Other than he is an alcoholic who has come into a large inheritance and he wants to be alone to drink himself to death.

In the event of my father’s death, he leaves everything to his sister’s children.

I am an only child, I have never been a “problem” to him and he refused to give an explanation for his actions.

The last contact I had with him was to ask if he cares at all - I mean, when I have children, am I to let him know? Short answer, no.

Are you being unreasonable to resent your father? I do not think so, but maybe you are being hasty. See, emotions for you are running high right now.

Maybe talk to him, speak through your concerns and see what comes of it.

Only close that door once and for all if there is no hope.

Trust me, you’ll sleep better knowing you did all you could.

I wish you the best

She will get your Dad's estate unless you take it to court.

Cross your fingers he pops his clogs from too much sex before you grandad if I were you.

@gherkin91 I'm so sorry you've been so let down, that's awful and I'm certain he's missing out a hell of a lot. I know it's hard to feel like they just don't care, how couldn't they? From all this I've just taken an example of what not to be, and with your own kids you'll be everything and more. Have you talked through how you feel?

Emotions are very high today definitely so I've held back from replying and will do so when I feel less upset. I've tried to talk many times, calmly, rationally, give and take no raised voices and he just can't seem to understand why we feel so disappointed and db is so hurt. He's had so many health problems, some of them personal, and he really needed a dad to talk to about 'boy stuff'. Even when we all lived together he hated being home, giving us a bath was like capital punishment, chose to work 6 days a week but once I got older I was his best friend, then this. He's said some toxic things about mum to me and db that caused all sorts of frictions. It's been building to this, a few years ago I stopped moping and missing him and accepted this what how it was going to be. But today I feel so sad and I just don't know how he's let this happen. He told us there was nothing for him here, no reason to stay. I don't know what else there is to talk about.

I'm not cutting him off or closing the door, I just feel dead to it all and done emotionally bit can do civil pleasantries.

I hope you get some closure one day from your dad, I know alcoholism is extremely destructive, maybe you can salvage something?

@alphabravo I would take her to court, absolutely. Oh god well I'd never wish him dead haha! Me and gramps will discuss and sort out, I don't think he'd let that happen tbh