WIBU to let DH drive her home?

[teenytinypontypine]

I think my friend is lashing out a bit due to grief because I genuinely don't think we have done anything terrible, but my friend had a proper shout at me earlier because I let my husband drive her daughter back to our house. The whole story:

This couple have been our friends for many years, more specifically the husbands have been friends for nearly 30 years. They have an 18 month old daughter, we have a 4 year old and a 6 month old. We are named to be guardians of their daughter should anything bad happen to the parents. We are close, but not so close that their daughter would be totally comfortable with us - mum is a SAHM and spends (obviously) an awful lot of time with daughter and daughter is a little clingy. Not unusual for her age.

My friend got a call yesterday morning to say her mum had been taken into hospital with a serious condition and may not survive. She was in a hospital about 3 hours from where we live. Friend called me in a panic, asked me to have her daughter so they could drive straight up there. Obviously I said yes, I came to their house, they left distraught and in a big hurry.

The afternoon looking after the daughter was OK, she was quite upset at being left with me and my kids but distractible and had her own toys etc. Got a call from friend's DH about 6pm saying they weren't coming back that night as the mum was very poorly and they were going to stop treatment, mum likely to die overnight. Obviously, utterly utterly awful. I said no problem, will take daughter to ours for sleepover, whatever they needed us to do really. There was no objection to us taking her to ours at all.

When my DH finished work I got him to come to their house to help. Our two kids have isofix car seats that we have never taken out of the car since they were fitted. Friends had left their daughter's car seat, which could be fitted with a seat belt. So I put our kids in my car in their seats, DH put their daughter in his car with her car seat. We drive virtually in convoy back to our house about 20 mins drive away.

Bit of a rough night as expected, their daughter clearly upset at not having mummy and daddy and being in a strange place, but we did eventually get some sleep.

Friends called this morning to say that yes sadly mum had passed in the night but they were heading home and friend's brother was taking care of things. A few hours later they arrive to collect their little one and I just describe what we did in the afternoon and evening, including mentioning in passing that we had been slightly flummoxed about how to put her car seat into DH's car but we got there in the end.

My friend then looked all incredulous and wide eyed and shouted that she should have been with me as I was the one who had said yes to taking responsibility for her. I explained that I could virtually see DH's car the whole way back, and also apologised saying I hadn't realised she would feel strongly about it - it just seemed the most sensible and obvious way to get all three kids home, given my car has the fixed seats in it and couldn't have fitted the third seat (OK technically could have gone on front passenger seat but I don't know how to turn off the airbag). She calmed down a bit but they left shortly afterwards, without her thanking me (though they had been very effusive in their thanks when they first arrived) and was really frosty. Her DH just looked a bit blank, so I'm not sure whether he thought it was an issue or not.

Do you think she was just stressed out by grief and blowing things out of proportion a bit? Or WIBU to put her kid in my DH's car for a 20 minute car journey?

Wannabe yes, they certainly haven't had any concerns re my DH in the past!

I am absolutely not going to take it personally. My gut feeling was that she was just lashing out because she was hurting so much and so exhausted from her awful day and night. I just wanted to check that what we had done really was reasonable in the circumstances, which it seems it was.

I had met her mum at their wedding, baby shower, daughter's christening etc, such a lovely woman who had been widowed in her early 30s and raised her 5 kids by herself. She was so vibrant. Totally out of the blue. It is no wonder my friend isn't being her usual self.

You are a good friend. Itsher grief talking.

Totally grief. You and your dh are named guardians, if you took on care of her dc you would both drive them everywhere. I would completely forget and support my friend.

Definitely sounds like shock OP, it's irrational and illogical and I'm guessing unlike her usual self? Maybe phone her tomorrow and see how she is.

She probably didn't really mean everything she said, seeing as she obviously knows and trusts your husband enough to be her daughter's guardian. Must be the grief.

@Howhot...unnecessary comment, I don't think OP is hoping to "achieve" anything. What an odd thing to say. Satisfaction?

OP, bless you, I'll give you another perspective. I got a call late one Friday night to tell me my mother had died (not unexpected, I'd been by her side for weeks but still had to be there for my 4 yo). I rang my best friend and asked her to get over straight away so I could go and be with my Dad and Brother and see my Mum (who was in her own bed at home). She couldn't come immediately as she was in the pub, quite rightly, on a Friday night, and had had several wines. I went BATSHIT. I screamed endless abuse at her about what a shit friend she was that she should have KNOWN my mum was about to die and that she should have just sat there and waited until I needed her . Guess who was totally unreasonable in this scenario?? I was mortified when I finally "came to" a couple of weeks later. So, I am gong to assume that your friend's reaction to your travel arrangements is projecting. I'd personally ignore it and wait to see if she mentions it again (unlikely) and then just let it go. She will not be in the right mind at the moment and will appear irrational. Try and ignore. You've been a great friend and you will continue to do so

I would pretend that whole exchange didn't happen.

I a, lucky to still have both of my parents, but lost a close friend in a horrible way a few years back. I have grieved for years but in that few days after she died I was Very Odd Indeed.

Her mum had literally just died.

I honestly think it's in bad taste making this thread tbh, it's likely your friend is on Mumsnet if she has an 18mo.

This kind of sudden shock/grief can often rocket someone into a particular frame of mind. Add in that it’s her mum, and I’d say textbook response. Your foundations are rocked, your inner child is bereft and the panic of feeling your world so out of control can be overwhelming.

Your mind tries to recapture security and control, any way it can. Having an overreaction about the safety of a carseat and a little (vulnerable) person fits right in with that theory, no?

Her mind likely is saying things like ‘this is the worst possible day of my life’ and then responding ‘no, it’d be worse if my child died too’. And maybe she’s caught up in thoughts about herself being the Mother now, and feeling responsible for getting everyone through this safely.

Trust me- you, your DH, the car, the distance- have nothing whatsoever to do with her behaviour. She seriously isn’t giving any rational thought to you at all. She’s just clinging to sanity and processing the enormity of what’s happened.

Keep being a good friend by erasing her outburst from your minds. Forever. It’s entirely possible she’ll not remember it.

Quick anecdote (not the first time I’ve related it on mn):
My dad died of cancer, but had wanted it kept hidden from everyone in his life. I found out by accident and was sworn to secrecy. When he died, I had to ring his friends (he had 100s) and let them know. They were thrown into grief, shock and betrayal that he hadn’t told them. About 80% of them then proceeded to attack me. They insisted I was lying, or had somehow convinced him to shut them out. They swore at me, shouted, they said horrible personal things, they slammed down the phone. By the 20th call, I started getting used to it!

The same people came to hug me at the funeral, as though nothing had happened. A couple did it a bit sheepishly, but most seemed to genuinely have forgotten/blocked out their bad behaviour. Grief is a strange beast, no doubt about it.

OP you have been a good friend, It is the grief speaking. Hopefully when your friend is in a better place she will apologise but she may not even remember her behaviour.

She's grieving. It sounds like you're close friends so I'm sure she doesn't really, logically, have a problem with what happened at all.

Incidentally, though, whenever I - or my parents, when I was a kid - drive an older child (who didn't know us well) back, I do always have one of my children in the car too. Totally different situation to yours OP, but one that was drummed into us repeatedly when we helped out at Scouts (specifically for mutual protection of child and us/avoidance of false allegations etc); it's just possible that while she doesn't have a problem with the specifics in this situation, she might recall a vague memory of something similar and it be coming out all of a jumble. Bit of a wildcard there though tbh!

Thanks for the tales of similar irrational grief reactions. I'm just going to forget it happened. She is going through so much.

I don't think she uses MN kaytee - she is a big advocate of The Other Place.

DH has ordered some flowers to be delivered to them tomorrow - in fact he had done it before he knew about the outburst. Hopefully she realises we didn't mean any harm.

She will probably apologise at some point, she is stressed and is likely very sleep deprived. You and your DH are wonderful friends to them

She prob just wanted her dc to stay with you but if you were just in the car behind then its ok. Like others have said shes in shock/ grieving. What is the other place?

You didn’t do anything wrong at all 🌷

She was probably projecting her (unnecessary) guilt about leaving her DD. In her mind, probably subconsciously, she semi justified it to herself as being ok because YOU were looking after her, but lost it when she realised you had handed that responsibility over to someone else - something out of her control. Even though it was DH and you were pretty much there. I don’t think it has anything to do with it being your DH (iyswim).

She’s grieving & exhausted.

Don’t give it another thought, you didn’t do anything wrong.

You didn't do anything wrong at all - it was just practical.

She must be tired and emotional and maybe all of a sudden at that moment she felt guilty for leaving her daughter overnight and thought of her being distressed.

You and your husband were there for her when she needed you
I am sure in a few days she will be really grateful and won't think twice
about whose car her daughter was in.

I suspect it was just grief, he I suspect was bemused by the description you put, but didn't say a word because of the situation - I suspect apologies will be forthcoming in due course. She was still in shock I suspect

Yeah, I think she’s angry that things happen outside of her control. That’s grief. I’m sure the air will clear. You didn’t do anything wrong.

I'm not sure what you hope to achieve by posting tbh op. Satisfaction to be told you're not being unreasonable?

Or perhaps @Howhot the OP wanted to check whether or not she'd made a real error of judgement and needed an outside perspective for clarity.

For me it would be the stress of knowing my child was upset due to the change in circumstances, then fearing she was more upset by being in car with someone she knew less than you. (in my mind child might have cried the whole 20min, not knowing where they were going and with whom). But that is irrational, child may or may not have been upset, and even if she was upset with your DH she might have been upset with you too. I probably would have chosed to drive DH's car home, just to prevent any further upset with child, but that is bye the bye now.

I think on top of the grief, she had in her mind at least her child was with you, and even if upset, you would be able to reassure her... but then finding she was with DH was an extra stress she wasn't expecting.

Unreasonable, but under the circumstances was a lash out at something she "hadn't agreed to", not thinking through the reality and the lengths you and DH had gone to to help her out.

xxx and for her mob xxx too. reactions ARE not always directed to the circumstances .x

bacardibabe The Other Place is Netmums.

Didn't even think to drive DH's car home myself, would have made sense. She wasn't upset at being put in the car and DH says she wasn't crying during the journey. She was a bit grizzly but she was so tired by that time, not surprising.

I like to think that if she had been obviously distressed when we were getting her into the car I would have thought to drive her. We were just on autopilot I think, DH drives his car, I drive mine.

I suppose you could have swapped cars, insurance issues not withstanding, or she could have taken her child with her. Hope it blows over.

Xpost!

I’m sure it’s her grief. She needs someone or something to be angry at. Send her some flowers.
Well done for stepping up.