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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think big age gaps between siblings suck.

35 replies

JKCR2017 · 18/10/2018 19:33

For a while I feel like I’ve lacked any kind of relationship with my mum and I blame it on the age gap between me and my youngest sister.

I am 26 and my youngest sister is 11. At 15 it didn’t seem so bad but as I got older I think it sucks. Also have a brother aged 21 and a sister aged 15 in between.

It’s probably not the same for all children with siblings with significant age gaps but I feel like I lack that normal kind of mother and daughter relationship with my mum and the relationship my mother has with my grandmother.

Naturally when I was a teenager my mum was always busy with the young children. I get that, I am a mother of two children myself. My friends went shopping, to the cinema, out for coffee with their mums. Me and my mum didn’t do anything ever. My younger siblings ruled the roost and never give me any privacy constantly in and other of my room whilst I tried to study, chill out etc. I moved out when I was 18.

I’m not sure what my question is but does anyone feel like this?

I am envious of the relationship my Mil has with her two grown up daughters.

My mother spends hundreds on my younger sisters each Christmas. Now I don’t expect presents but she doesn’t get me anything at all, she buys for my children but sometimes I feel forgotten and lonely 😪😪

My mum never pops by or interested in meeting with me by myself just me and her.

I also don’t have a dad so I feel pretty worthless at the minute. I am feeling like I lack something!

OP posts:
Redgreencoverplant · 18/10/2018 19:37

The issue here isn't the age gap it's poor parenting by your mum Flowers

Unfinishedkitchen · 18/10/2018 19:39

This doesn’t sound like an age gap issue, it sounds like your mum favours your siblings.

GreenLantern53 · 18/10/2018 19:41

nope. I have a 12 year age gap with my brother, I dont feel this way at all.

serbska · 18/10/2018 19:42

Nah, that isn't because you had younger siblings, it is because your mum was a bit shit at parenting you all!

NO privacy, no time for you - that isn't because of the age gap.

kitkatsky · 18/10/2018 19:43

There's 13 years between me and my sis. Homestly I don't care that she's always had more money/ presents, but my mum is a great support when I need her so.....

Neverender · 18/10/2018 19:44

13 yrs and 11 yrs between me and my sisters and I don't agree. Doesn't sound like it's the gap that's the issue here.

A580Hojas · 18/10/2018 19:46

There are massive age gaps between me and my half siblings and my parent was definitely neglectful of me at 15 because of preoccupation with babies and toddlers ... so imo yanbu.

Ellieboolou27 · 18/10/2018 19:47

10 years between me and my brother, never made to feel left out, it’s definitely your mum and not the age gap.

Original poster
JKCR2017 · 18/10/2018 19:47

Thanks all. I’m just feeling a bit emotional about it tonight.

Obviously my mum put a roof over my head, provided for me, fed me etc but I just feel like I’m lacking something.

I am embarrassed to admit I’m a bit jealous of the relationships other people have with their parents.

OP posts:
Echobelly · 18/10/2018 19:49

Sorry to hear this makes you so down - I agree it sounds like your mum's problem, not the age gap. Does she know how you feel? Could you tell her you feel neglected by her and would like her just to take some more interest in you beyond your kids?

sar302 · 18/10/2018 19:52

It's difficult. My husband has two brothers who are 10 years plus younger than him. He never says much about it, but I always feel like it's like their own separate second little family. They all make much more of an effort since we've had a baby - my husband included - but I think between the ages of about 18 and 27 he felt quite pushed out. But then he didn't make a massive effort either... (not saying you haven't by the way, just him!) sorry you're feeling crap x

RememberWhenRibenaTastedNice · 18/10/2018 19:54

That's not the siblings that's the issue it's your parents not issuing decent boundaries for the younger ones.

I have a big age gap between my little brother and me and my big brother. My younger brother was never allowed in our rooms or to be disruptive to us. Our rooms were our sanctuary.

I have a large age gaps in my kids (12 years between the oldest and the youngest when he's born) and I too will be allowing my eldest (and middle child) the space and privacy they need.

RememberWhenRibenaTastedNice · 18/10/2018 19:55

I am embarrassed to admit I’m a bit jealous of the relationships other people have with their parents.

Again, that's not the age gap. That's a parenting issue. Sad

acivilcontract · 18/10/2018 19:56

Honestly my dm was very similar growing up but I think it has more to do with parenting choices rather than sibling age gap. As adults all of my siblings are great and my dm is the same as ever. There's nothing you can do about your parents.

TheSteakBakeOfAwesome · 18/10/2018 20:03

There's a big gap between me and my brother and we're not close - but my mum basically fell back on using me as a second parent when my dad left and my brother had chronic medical conditions through his childhood. We're not close now - but that's mainly due to the fact he's a bit of a wanker who refuses to be close to any family members and likes just to sit back and judge all our inadequacies.

Yes I had a bit of a shit childhood looking back and had to do too much too young (I'd be picked up as a "young carer" these days but times were different then) but life is what it is and you just keep on moving on and vow not to repeat the mistakes with your own kids.

I have a totally unplanned 10 month age gap!

PennyArcade · 18/10/2018 20:12

My parents had 2 families... I was born when my sister was 16 and my brother 18. I have a brother 3 years younger than me.

I don't feel that I missed out on anything throughout my childhood... Now we are adults and our parents are deceased my older sister is very much the bossy big sister.... I have to say I dont really like her very much. She's definitely not someone I would call on in my hour of need.

neveradullmoment99 · 18/10/2018 20:13

Oh that is such a shame for you Flowers
I have a huge age gap between my children. Tbh, it is kind of hard when you have younger children. They take up so much of your time and they are a constant worry. Sometimes I admit that I neglect my older children but its purely because they are now independent and just really don't need me as much. My ds are 31 and 29. I have 3 younger children spanning from the ages of 7-11. I still absolutely love all my older children and do WhatsApp and keep in touch but my priority has to be with my younger ones. Maybe your mum is like that?
Have you ever told her how you feel? Maybe you should.

Ellapaella · 18/10/2018 20:13

That's a real shame OP. Hard to hear as I have 8 and 12 years between my eldest child and my younger two.
However I think my eldest and I have a special relationship because we had 8 years when it was just the two of us and he had me to himself all that time. Those were very special years in which we developed such a close bond.
I worry he felt put out when his younger two siblings arrived but I hope he never feels that I sidelined him in their favour.
He has a great relationship with his two younger brothers who adore him and while he does look after them occasionally his room is definitely off limits!
It's hard for us to spend time on our own together now but once a week when he has free period on a Wednesday and the other twi are at school we walk the dog together and I take him out for brunch. That's become 'our time'.
I'm not sure he'd even want to come to the cinema with me these days anyway!
 for you op.

Ellapaella · 18/10/2018 20:15

That was meant to be flowers for you - not sure what happened to them!

neveradullmoment99 · 18/10/2018 20:17

Can I also say that relationships can change throughout your lifetime. I never had much of a relationship with my mum until my gran died [she looked after us most of our young lives] I am very close to my mum now. It wont always be that way. I really think you should talk to her.

IncomingCannonFire · 18/10/2018 20:19

My mum never did the days out shopping or meals or anything one to one with any of us. We are not close. There is a smallish age gap between my 3 siblings.

lljkk · 18/10/2018 20:21

Just goes to show that sibling rivalry can happen at any age.
My dad adores his siblings, 21 years from eldest to youngest. Of course some of them got advantages & things he didn't because his parents were in a better place after a while so could provide more to the youngest: so what? Parents do the best they can at the time.

BambooPlate · 18/10/2018 20:22

Thanks Thanks Cake
do you feel able to talk to your mother about this at all?

You sound lovely, try and speak to your mum and if she doesn't up her game focus on your dc and try and give them the attention you feel you didn't receive. Hope it works out for you. Be kind to yourself.

BambooPlate · 18/10/2018 20:24

and... allow yourself to be a bit jealous, many would feel like that in your shoes, especially when you are feeling depleted, it's understandable and perfectly human. Focus on the love you can give yourself (corny i know) and do little acts of kindness for yourself. x

AnnaNimmity · 18/10/2018 20:30

I have a 12 year age gap between my eldest dd and my youngest, so that's hard to hear for me too. I hope I'm not like your mum when my eldest is your age. I can't imagine ignoring my older children but it's helpful to hear this. (I already take great care not to make the older ones carers as I was in this position with my sister who's 11 years younger than me).

Mine all had dinner with me today and it was lovely. dd1 (now 18) was saying how she can't wait to be a cool older sister for my dd4 (6) and have her to stay in her flat!