Not sure who is BU me or DH re DS's development

[StormCloudsDoClear]

So I'm not really worried who is BU, probably just after some external opinions/perspectives really.

So backstory, we have one DS who turned 4 in August is in full time reception class in a Welsh medium school. I am a fluent Welsh speaker DH is not.

DS has been in some form of childcare setting since 16 weeks of age, from nursery 3 days a week to the age of 3, then on to half days at school from the age of 3 and now full time school at 4.

We had parents evening the other week where the teacher has said she has no major concerns, he is however a little behind on recognising letters and his fine motor skills are a bit behind his peers i.e using a pencil with the correct hold needing to strengthen the muscles in his hands and arms to enable this.

Now my opinion is he's the youngest in his class, his peers are all beginning to turn 5, we've already had a birthday party in the class, where as DS turned 4 some 9 or 10 weeks ago. His peers are months ahead of him physically, but that's the price you pay being an August baby. I do all I can to encourage fine motor skills from cut and stick craft in the house, play doh playing, he always has access to crayons and paper but is hardly interested in them, and also we have Lego. He loves Lego and will spend time putting the tiny Lego people together which is great for his fine motor skills as it uses a pinching action. Overall I would say DS is sitting ok but we have room for improvement which I will work on with him in the evenings.

(I say I because DH works away Monday to Friday so it's just me, not lack of DH wanting to get involved)

Then there is Mr Armageddon DH, you would swear the teacher said DS is struggling, hey have major concerns. He now believes DS is too far behind and that we need to "ramp up" the study/activities and force him to do more....Jesus Christ, I'm not being funny but I can't force a 4 year old to colour and play it's a bit like bathing a cat in 4ft of water!!

DH is now concerned and worried that DS is too far behind and feels being an August born child has nothing to do with it contrary to my belief.

So I don't really know what to do or say, I obviously respect DH opinion but we're standing at completely different ends of the bridge, and I want us to all move forward together on this same supporting plan.

So what are your thoughts? Should I be more concerned about DS than I am? Or is DH being a bit too harsh?

All opinions welcome!

Sorry phone deleted paragraphs!!!

Your DH is BU. Your son is almost a year younger than some of the children in his class and, as the teacher has no major concerns, I would carry on as you are. I'm sure he will soon pick up those skills

The poor boys just started school! I wouldn't be worried (I have a July baby (now 6) who sounds the same). Just keep playing games that use his fingers (like you are with the Lego) and encourage drawing and colouring activities.

YANBU. I'm with you on this. He is still so young at only just 4.

My DD is one of the oldest in her year (turns 5 next week), and she has come on leaps and bounds in the last few months. If she started Reception at your DS's age she would have been behind too. I really wouldn't worry, he will catch up.

At 4, a 5 year old has had 25% more life.... YANBU

It’s nuts that children in the UK are expected to start school at 4, whether they’re ready or not, like racehorses.
OP, my son’s best friend was in a similar situation, and his father really put the pressure on (meaning entirely well). As a result, he spent the whole of Y2 with the teacher working on managing his anxiety rather than his writing.
Your DH needs to calm down.

My August baby is exactly the same, he started in Sept too.

Teacher has flagged up difficulties with him getting dressed for PE, he can't do shirt buttons and struggles with motor skills still but she wasn't concerned just that he needs extra help.

So we have been doing activities at home to help him but I don't force him because when it's not fun, he gets cross and defeats the object.

I wouldn't worry yet, it seems lots of summer borns are in similar situations :)

(Sorry my phone doesn't do paragraphs on MN!)

Your dh is being very unreasonable. He’s only just 4, a year is a huge amount of development at that age. My eldest is nearly 5 and home educated and he’s not quite confident with all his letter sounds yet, he’s also not writing yet because he just isn’t ready to. We’re working on pencil control - fine motor skills and he loves puzzles like mazes and dot to dots, and he likes games like alpha locks and teach your monster to read on his tablet which are helping with the phonics. We’ve also started reading eggs which he views as great fun and a treat rather than ‘work’. So we do a lot which will help with reading and writing but we do very little ‘studying/work’. If you want to do more then I’d do those sorts of things but equally he’ll probably catch up with his peers when he’s ready.

This is what I keep trying to say, but it's falling on panicked deaf ears.

I'll have to find some developmental psychology papers and present the evidence at this rate via a one hour power point presentation 😂😂

I'll just keep doing what I'm doing as I do have the benefit of it just being me and DS and he will just continue to improve at his own rate.

But on a serious note I'll attempt to calm DH!

I have an August born boy too. We also had issues with fine motor skills. As far as I know those fine motor skills can be developed but will come with age anyway. I think I’m correct in saying that in boys those tendons in the hands don’t develop fully until nearly 6 or 7. With girls it’s maybe quicker as they tend to be more into crafts and colouring etc. Just an observation really before I’m accused of being sexist!

DS did end up having support from an occupational therapist as there was one in the school he went to. She said most of the children she worked with on handwriting etc were boys. Getting the grip right is very important as I know with DS he was gripping all wrong and finding it harder and more tiring.

Anyway - DS is now 17 and he caught up!

Just say yeah no problem DH. Then continue to do as you are doing. It's not like he will know.

And if these 4 year olds were in Europe they wouldn’t even be at school yet! In Denmark they start boys a year later than girls for partly this reason. It’s ridiculous that we start them so early here.

You're doing fine and so is your ⁴ yo

Tell DH if he wants to MAKE DS do more work then he's welcome to do it over the weekend. However the minute DS gets upset it stops else you risk putting him off for life.

How interested will he be if HE has to do the leg work?

The only thing I would say to defend your dh slightly, is that the teacher would have seen plenty of summer borns, and will be well used to how behind they obviously are at this stage, so it depends if she meant 'for a summer born' or 'compared to the five year olds in the class.' That said, I personally wouldn't care either way, he's 4, it doesn't matter.

Thank you all!

I do feel with DH sometimes it's like banging my head against a wall, he's very regimented and competitive, so softening that with DS at times can be tricky. I am often DS's advocate and have to constantly calm the waters and say things like "don't push him too hard, he will push back" or "if you upset him it's game over and you'll achieve nothing".

The pair of them are carbon copies of one another when it comes to temperament and it's like holding two un-pinned live grenades some weekends.

I do find it difficult that DS is 4 and expected to competed and be judged against 5 year olds, and I do think a more European approach to our education system would be better. I'm a firm believer that learning through play is so important so I encourage that more than strict sit down and concentrate like DH, but he his also DS' dad and has a input in his upbringing so it's a bit of a juggling match.

He is BVU. My DS2, July born and now nine, has also had issues with fine motor control since preschool. He was also slow to develop a hand preference, which didn't help.

He is doing really well, managed to get to grips with joined up writing and got his pen licence, although his writing is still very difficult to read, and he has ongoing extra support in the classroom with this. He will get there eventually.

Your DS will not be the only child in the class with this issue. Do you know if your school uses Clever Fingers? This has been devised by OTs, and helps children with fine motor skills in a fun, relaxed way. My DS always used to be one of a few in his class doing this in KS1.

Your DH needs to relax about this, and not try and put the pressure on at home. He really will get there, and home should be a place for your DS to have fun and relax, whilst of course if some of his activities, like Lego support his fine motor skills, then great.

Peridot1 - don't worry about being sexist, the tendon thing was taught to us when I did my early years degree (though we dont know to what extent its nature or nurture)

I'd always encourage boys (or girls) who were struggling with letter formation to 'think big', so drawing big letters with a stick in sand or with their finger in slime etc as a fun way of working those muscles.

OP your DH is BU, just turned 4 is tiny and needs to enjoy school rather than having extra pressure put on them!

I had a July baby, it took for him to get to 11 to truly catch up and not be permanently below what was expected for that age.

TBH I'd have a word with the teacher and hint at DH's catastrophising, ask her not to bring up little things like that at meetings. You need to protect your DS from unfair pressure.

I think rather than conspiring with the teacher, just ask for clarification. When she says peers, does she mean the rest of the class? In which case, she is comparing him with kids 11 months older and you really don't need to do anything other than what youve always done.

OR does she mean with the other summer babies of this year and years past? In which case you can do a little extra work, wait a few months and see what happens.

YANBU.

If you really want to do anything more then I would encourage tree-climbing, monkey bars etc as a lot of the muscles needed for handwriting extend all the way up to the shoulders. So also work on gross motor skills in the arms/shoulders in order to develop those muscles which will help with writing etc.

Apart from that I'd say continue as you are.

rather than conspiring with the teacher,

I don't see it as conspiring. The OP's DH is making a disaster out of a few small remarks. The teacher needs to understand the consequences of comparing the child's development to children who are almost a year older.

Don't worry about it. I have two summer babies and was told the same thing when they were that age. Now at 14 and 10 they are academic high achievers in their year group with normal motor skills. I did nothing to force them along. It all just came.

Get your husband to read this thread.