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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not sure who is BU me or DH re DS's development

37 replies

StormCloudsDoClear · 18/10/2018 10:20

So I'm not really worried who is BU, probably just after some external opinions/perspectives really.

So backstory, we have one DS who turned 4 in August is in full time reception class in a Welsh medium school. I am a fluent Welsh speaker DH is not.

DS has been in some form of childcare setting since 16 weeks of age, from nursery 3 days a week to the age of 3, then on to half days at school from the age of 3 and now full time school at 4.

We had parents evening the other week where the teacher has said she has no major concerns, he is however a little behind on recognising letters and his fine motor skills are a bit behind his peers i.e using a pencil with the correct hold needing to strengthen the muscles in his hands and arms to enable this.

Now my opinion is he's the youngest in his class, his peers are all beginning to turn 5, we've already had a birthday party in the class, where as DS turned 4 some 9 or 10 weeks ago. His peers are months ahead of him physically, but that's the price you pay being an August baby. I do all I can to encourage fine motor skills from cut and stick craft in the house, play doh playing, he always has access to crayons and paper but is hardly interested in them, and also we have Lego. He loves Lego and will spend time putting the tiny Lego people together which is great for his fine motor skills as it uses a pinching action. Overall I would say DS is sitting ok but we have room for improvement which I will work on with him in the evenings.

(I say I because DH works away Monday to Friday so it's just me, not lack of DH wanting to get involved)

Then there is Mr Armageddon DH, you would swear the teacher said DS is struggling, hey have major concerns. He now believes DS is too far behind and that we need to "ramp up" the study/activities and force him to do more....Jesus Christ, I'm not being funny but I can't force a 4 year old to colour and play it's a bit like bathing a cat in 4ft of water!!

DH is now concerned and worried that DS is too far behind and feels being an August born child has nothing to do with it contrary to my belief.

So I don't really know what to do or say, I obviously respect DH opinion but we're standing at completely different ends of the bridge, and I want us to all move forward together on this same supporting plan.

So what are your thoughts? Should I be more concerned about DS than I am? Or is DH being a bit too harsh?

All opinions welcome!

OP posts:
Purplespup16 · 18/10/2018 11:31

Neither of you are being unreasonable. Your DH is concerned although not handling well at all!

Your best way forward is to make an appointment with the teacher for a time you both can attend and discuss your DH’s concerns.

There could be a multitude of things going on. It could be his age, it could be something else it could be absolutely neither and be simply his own development!

ItWasntMeItWasIm · 18/10/2018 11:37

Not uk schools - in Scotland he would still be at nursery.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/10/2018 11:48

I do find with summer born parents, they tend to imagine their child is nearly a year younger than the entire rest of the class, as if the other 29 kids were all born on sep 1st.
Whereas the reality as there will be a couple of September birthdays, a few July, a few June etc

Thatoneoverthere · 18/10/2018 11:52

YANBU I've looked after several kids in the same position over the years and I feel really uncomfortable when parents push the formal learning onto kids that little and the only result is putting kids off reading and writing.

I had this book when I was a kid and bought it for a family with twin boys August born and I remember the dad talking to me about it after doing bed time one night and saying how he got it.

www.bookdepository.com/Leo-the-Late-Bloomer-Robert-Kraus/9780812453836?redirected=true&utm_medium=Google&utm_campaign=Base3&utm_source=UK&utm_content=Leo-the-Late-Bloomer&selectCurrency=GBP&w=AFC7AU9SHDCUY4A8094H&pdg=pla-104399592819:kwd-104399592819:cmp-706833756:adg-36396480385:crv-162343490383:pid-9780812453836:dev-c&gclid=CjwKCAjw3qDeBRBkEiwAsqeO7qNwtC1RGhMtfHSe5rBo5hkEMZFrEOwzmsXdxJrpK7lNrUn_2TCd0BoC0cQQAvD_BwE

Jellycatspyjamas · 18/10/2018 11:55

My DS struggles with fine motor skills, the advice I was given was to help strengthen his large muscle groups in his shoulders and arms because they’re the ones that support the muscles in the hand and wrist. We had him do things like writing in big letters on a chalk board, playing with skipping ropes basically anything that has him making big circular movements with his arms, which has helped his pencil grip and fine movement.

Your DS is still little with lots of physical and cognitive development ahead of him, your DH needs to let him go st his speed.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 18/10/2018 11:56

I am also a summer baby and I didn't learn to use scissors until I was 8 Blush. Some kids are just slower with these things. I got all A's at A Level, a Masters and a PhD so got there in the end.

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 18/10/2018 12:02

You sound completely reasonable. There's a long (long!) list of ideas for improving fine motor skills from mrz that I saved a while ago. I'll dig it out and post it for you. I found hiding small plastic toys in play doh for my DS to 'find' and remove was a good one. And flicking paper balls in a game of table football was also popular.

StormCloudsDoClear · 18/10/2018 12:02

Sorry haven't tagged but to the person who said summer born babies parents think their child is a year younger than the whole class, I don't think that I just know he is the youngest and when you've only been alive 48months someone with a experience of life of just 54months is ahead by quite a margin, when their baby was sitting up at 6minths mine was still squishy and a newborn. When they are this young I think months do make a difference in my opinion.

When he's 6+ I wouldn't say so much, but for now I think the gaps in age can be quite considerable though they are small of you see what I mean.

Well anyways I have managed to placate the Domesday Husband, I have been out and bought some Cyw learning merchandise (which is massively expensive!! Welsh language isn't cheap sadly) but we can stick up he posters in his room together and play the flash card games and DH seems happy that the games are more "educational".

The fact I've also bought a knock off operation game with tweezers to help those fine motor skills hasn't been mentioned 😂 I know which game he will prefer and we can learn the names of the body parts as we go haha.

OP posts:
EllenJanesthickerknickers · 18/10/2018 12:03

Fine Motor Skills
Things to remember:
Upright working surfaces promote fine motor skills. Examples of these are: vertical
chalkboards; easels for painting; flannel boards; lite bright; magnet boards (or
fridge); windows and mirrors; white boards, etc. Children can also make sticker
pictures; do rubber ink-stamping; use reuseable stickers to make pictures; complete
puzzles with thick knobs; use magna-doodle and etch-a-sketch as well. The benefits
for these include: having the child's wrist positioned to develop good thumb
movements; they help develop good fine motor muscles; the child is using the arm
and shoulder muscles.
Fine Motor Activities
Moulding and rolling play dough into balls - using the palms of the
hands facing each other and with fingers curled slightly towards the palm.
Rolling play dough into tiny balls (peas) using only the finger tips.
Using pegs or toothpicks to make designs in play dough.
Cutting play dough with a plastic knife or with a pizza wheel by holding
the implement in a diagonal volar grasp.
Tearing newspaper into strips and then crumpling them into balls. Use
to stuff scarecrow or other art creation.
Scrunching up 1 sheet of newspaper in one hand. This is a super
strength builder.
Using a plant sprayer to spray plants, (indoors, outdoors) to spray snow
(mix food colouring with water so that the snow can be painted), or melt
"monsters". (Draw monster pictures with markers and the colours will run
when sprayed.)
Primary
Picking up objects using large tweezers such as those found in the
"Bedbugs" game. This can be adapted by picking up Cheerios, small cubes,
small marshmallows, pennies, etc., in counting games.
Shaking dice by cupping the hands together, forming an empty air space
between the palms.
Using small-sized screwdrivers like those found in an erector set.
Lacing and sewing activities such as stringing beads, Cheerios,
macaroni, etc.
Using eye droppers to "pick up" coloured water for colour mixing or
to make artistic designs on paper.
Rolling small balls out of tissue paper, then gluing the balls onto
construction paper to form pictures or designs.
Turning over cards, coins, checkers, or buttons, without bringing them to
the edge of the table.
Making pictures using stickers or self-sticking paper reinforcements.
Playing games with the "puppet fingers" -the thumb, index, and middle
fingers. At circle time have each child's puppet fingers tell about what
happened over the weekend, or use them in songs and finger plays.
Place a variety of forms (eg. blocks, felt, paper, string, yarn, cereal,
cotton) on outlines
Match shapes, colour, or pictures to a page and paste them within the
outlines
Primary
Self-Care Skills
Buttoning
Lacing
Tying
Fastening Snaps
Zipping
Carrying
Using a screwdriver
Locking and unlocking a door
Winding a clock
Opening and closing jars
Rolling out dough or other simple cooking activities
Washing plastic dishes
Primary
Sweeping the floor
Dressing
Scissor Activities
When scissors are held correctly, and when they fit a child's hand well, cutting
activities will exercise the very same muscles which are needed to manipulate a pencil
in a mature tripod grasp. The correct scissor position is with the thumb and middle
finger in the handles of the scissors, the index finger on the outside of the handle to
stabilize, with fingers four and five curled into the palm.
Cutting junk mail, particularly the kind of paper used in magazine
subscription cards.
Making fringe on the edge of a piece of construction paper.
Cutting play dough or clay with scissors.
Cutting straws or shredded paper.
Cutting
Use a thick black line to guide cutting the following:
A fringe from a piece of paper
Cut off corners of a piece of paper
Cut along curved lines
Cut lines with a variety of angles
Primary
Cut figures with curves and angles
Sensory Activities
The following activities ought to be done frequently to increase postural muscle
strength and endurance. These activities also strengthen the child's awareness of
his/her hands.
Wheelbarrow walking, crab walking
Clapping games (loud/quiet, on knees together, etc.)
Catching (clapping) bubbles between hands
Pulling off pieces of thera-putty with individual fingers and thumb
Drawing in a tactile medium such as wet sand, salt, rice, or "goop".
Make "goop" by adding water to cornstarch until you have a mixture similar
in consistency to toothpaste. The "drag" of this mixture provides feedback to
the muscle and joint receptors, thus facilitating visual motor control.
Picking out small objects like pegs, beads, coins, etc., from a tray of salt,
sand, rice, or putty. Try it with eyes closed too. This helps develop sensory
awareness in the hands.
Midline Crossing
Establishment of hand dominance is still developing at this point. The following
activities will facilitate midline crossing:
Encourage reaching across the body for materials with each hand. It
may be necessary to engage the other hand in an activity to prevent
switching hands at midline.
Primary
Refrain specifically from discouraging a child from using the left hand
for any activity. Allow for the natural development of hand dominance by
presenting activities at midline, and allowing the child to choose freely.
Start making the child aware of the left and right sides of his body
through spontaneous comments like, "kick the ball with your right leg." Play
imitation posture games like "Simon Says" with across the body movements.
When painting at easel, encourage the child to paint a continuous line
across the entire paper- also from diagonal to diagonal.

I also have a busy finger box basically one of those plastic fold out workboxes for craft with lots of compartments

  1. Pegs –
You need pegs of different sizes, clothes pegs, small bulldog clips, stationery clips etc. Get the children to use one hand only at a time. I usually get them to peg about 10 pegs of different sizes onto the sides of a gift bag. They might put them on with their left hand and take them off with their right. They can also try squeezing the pegs between the first finger and thumb (on each hand) then the middle finger and thumb and so on.
  1. Elastic bands –
Elastic gymnastics! – Start by putting 2 elastic bands (the same size) around the thumb, first and middle fingers, ask the child to open and close the fingers. Then add another 2 elastic bands and so on. The more you have on, the harder it is to move your fingers. These exercises help to develop the muscles which make the web space when writing.
  1. Beads –
Get beads of different sizes and thread. Ask the children to thread some beads onto their string. The smaller the hole obviously the harder it is to thread. Develops hand/eye coordination.
  1. Ball bearings and tweezers –
Put the ball bearings in one little box and ask the child to try and pick one ball bearing up at a time with the tweezers and place in a second small box. If this is too tricky try using Hama beads and tweezers.
  1. Floam / Playdough –
These products are great for squeezing and rolling which provides necessary sensory feedback and helps to develop hand strength. Ask the children to squeeze the dough and roll it with the palm of their hand.
  1. Doodle board –
The Doodleboard is just a way of children practising handwriting patterns or letters without having to commit them to paper. Provide some patterns and shapes to copy.
  1. Gummed Shapes –
Give the children a sheet of plain paper and ask them to make patterns or pictures with the gummed shapes. Just picking up on shape at a time, licking it and then sticking it down all help to develop hand/eye coordination and the pincer grip.
  1. Hama Beads –
Hama beads are good for pincer grip and hand/eye coordination. The children have patterned sheets to copy and peg boards to put them on.
  1. Lacing cards –
Also good for hand/eye coordination. Just give each child one card to lace.
  1. Bean bags –
    Give a child 4-5 bean bags and place a container about 3 feet infront of them. Ask the child to try and get as many beanbags in the container as possible. (Hand/eye coordination)

  2. Chalk and blackboard –
    If you can, try and wedge the blackboard between two tables and provide the child with a piece of chalk in each hand. Ask them to draw the same pattern with both hands at the same time on both sides of the board. This helps develop bilateral movement.
    Allow the children to draw patterns, shapes and letter shapes on the blackboard. The chalk gives sensory feedback and sound simultaneously.

  3. Stencils –
    Children can use the stencils to make a picture. Helps develop pencil control and special awareness among other things.

  4. Feathers –
    Ask the children to try and balance a feather on different parts of their body. This helps to develop balance and coordination.

  5. Handhugger pens –
    Hand hugger pens are the triangular shaped pens. These help the children to establish a better pencil grip.

  6. Tissue paper strips –
    Place the child’s palm (at the wrist) on the end of a strip of tissue paper. Ask them to only use their middle finger to get the paper to scrunch up under their hand.
    Repeat, but this time place the side of the child’s hand on one end of the tissue strip and ask them to only use their thumb to scrunch up the paper and bring it under their hand.
    These activities really help to develop the hand arch, web space and muscle tone of the hand.

  7. Stickers –
    Children love stickers. Just peeling them off provides an opportunity to develop fine motor skills and hand/eye coordination.

  8. Peg boards –
    These can be peg boards where the child has to place pegs in the holes, maybe copying patterns.
    They can be the boards with plastic pegs already on where they have to stretch elastic bands between them to make patterns.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 18/10/2018 12:10

YANBU at all.
DS is only just out of toddlerhood - give him a couple of years before you start to worry!

Shutityoutart · 18/10/2018 12:19

I have an August ds. When he was in reception he had problems with fine motor skills, sitting still etc. I didn’t push it. If he didn’t want to read when he came home then we didn’t. Same with writing. I gradually encouraged him to do more as the year went on so it was like a gradual increase. He’s now in year 2 and exceeding in nearly everything, except writing which is still messy, but we are working on the too.
I’ve never pressurised him at all, he loves school and I didn’t want him to start getting worried about it.

StormCloudsDoClear · 18/10/2018 13:55

Thank you for all the positive stories all. I'll try and calm DH down with some of them.

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