AIBU not to tell the father of my children that we're leaving the country?

[powercutie]

Warning - long one! The gist of the problem is stated at the end.

My ex fiancé, father of DS (4) and DD (6), hasn't seen the children in over a year.
When I met him I thought he was the nicest guy. We were young, and I got pregnant very quickly. I was too young to notice a lot of the red flags and we decided to go ahead with it, and we were really happy for a time. After DD was born things got tough, I was alone in the emotional labour and most of the childcare and I was too busy to recognise that a lot of what was going on wasn't right.
Nothing ever got done. My ex handled finances and practicalities, and yet seemed to accomplish nothing, always saying that people were screwing him over and cheating him, and that's why we for example couldn't get internet or he hadn't been paid that month or whatever you can imagine.
My things started to go missing - and by things I mean ID, passports, bank cards - id order a new bank card and it would never come, I'd finally find my passport so I could access my bank account in the bank but it'd disappear on me again. This went on for about a year, and I truly believed I was cursed. I remember crying my eyes out on the sofa one day, saying "I think someone's out to get me, I think something dark is messing with my head". He looked at me with big sad eyes and said he thought I must be right.

Needless to say, a few weeks after DS was born, I finally realised my ex was the one stealing my things. I demanded them back and was able to access my accounts, and that's when I realised he'd stolen my bank card and he'd been using my money, overdrawing, not paying bills. Turns out he never had an income himself. Few days later I got a knock at the door to inform me I was about to get evicted because the rent on my newly bought apartment had never been paid (I'd literally no idea). With the help of my mother we were able to pay and stay, but I have a massive debt to my name now that he refuses to help pay off.

He said he was mentally unwell and I went with him to have him sectioned. I had the idea that if he wasn't well, then what kind of partner would I be to turn my back on him? We went a few times. Newborn strapped to my chest. But he kept lying and in the end he told me he never really loved me and left.

After all of this he pretty much disappeared for a year. He came now and then to play with DD for an hour but that was it. Then when the kids were slightly older, for about a year and a half he had them regularly because he was doing better. But it all went wrong in the end - one day I was tucking DD in after a weekend with him, and she told me he'd "gotten really angry and put his hands around her throat". She was 5. I shook all night.

He hasn't seen them since. DD has been through a terrible time, after the traumatic experience and then the "loss" of her father and his entire family, as they all chose to believe I was keeping the kids away from him - in reality I just said that we needed help and I would never remove their father from their life, but we would absolutely need help and support from outside, or else I'd never feel secure letting the kids spend time with him. Not that they wanted to after that.

But he's never turned up to any meetings, and there have been MANY. Meetings about our family (his chance to stay in touch and ask for help). Meetings about DDs mental health (she has struggled terribly). He didn't even show up to the court dates when I applied for full custody (I got it).

Once, about six months in, he sent me a text with the words "can I take the kids to the playground tomorrow". I replied that since he hasn't seen them for six months and hasn't responded to any professionals and has no clue what's going on, that he'd need to apply for visitation through the system, but that I'd be willing to work with that. He never contacted us again.

I wanted to get that full story out here once and for all as I've actually loads of things I want advice on! But this time I'm going to focus on one specific thing.

We're moving to a different country next year, me and my children. We're going to live with my new partner in a quiet town and have a nice fresh start. We'll visit home often as my livelihood is based here and our family is here.

AIBU to not tell their father we're leaving??

Morally - just go. Don't waste any more time or energy on him. Some people don't deserve to have relationships with their children, and he's one of them. Furthermore, your children don't deserve to be subjected to their ghastly father.

Legally, OK, you have to be seen to try to tell him. Find out what sort of 'telling' will be acceptable. Personally, I'd do it now and get it over with. If you wait for the 6 week mark, you'll have enough on your plate without having to deal with his nonsense.

Get legal advice. I’d expect that “telling” him would be covered in a legal sense if you send a letter recorded delivery to his last known address and hope he doesn’t receive it

Morally I’d cut contact as much as possible. The way he’s treated his DC is disgusting, they’re better off without him.

In this case, I’d probably get your solicitor to write to him to tell him (ideally using an official looking envelope). It sounds as though this guy avoids opening any “official looking” post so won’t get around to opening this.

Spot on - he doesn't open official looking mails or emails. I don't officially know where he's residing and wouldn't assume he's payed his phone bills either 🙄
Good idea about finding out the official definition of 'telling' ;) and yep - I think I will sort it now sooner rather than later.

@powercutie, by "next year" do you mean January or something like May or July? If it's the latter, I would still wait a while until closer to your exit date. If it's too early then that really gives him time to resurface and wreak all types of havoc in your plans. If it's January or February, I would possibly do it now.

Morally, I agree with others: you don't owe him a damn thing anymore. And yes to investigating what is the definition of "telling". If you can skate by with just sending a registered letter to an abandoned (or evicted) apartment, please just do that or some other form of the bare minimum!

More like July. I suppose it's about finding the right balance timing wise! Thanks for your input :-)

Places like Denmark really DO NOT want "native children" leaving the country and will prevent you from leaving even though one of the parents isn't Danish.
The UK is actually also one of those places, good luck persuading British family courts that British children could be better off living with the mother in her country of origin, even when the British father has disappeared from the picture.