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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guarantor

34 replies

Ladybird1271 · 17/10/2018 22:44

Cut a long story short,my son and his girlfriend have been living with me for over two years. My son has quite a good job but his girlfriend appears to be going from bar job to bar job. She initially came as she wasn’t getting on with mums boyfriend and came to live with us within a few weeks of being with my son. She is very difficult to get along with at times but does pay for keep. I said she could stay temporary until they find a place. We’ve had a very difficult couple of years and there now seems to be a lot of division in the house. Anyway fast forward and I asked them to find a place by Christmas. They have now found a place but have asked for me to be a guarantor. I am not comfy with the idea as I am on my own and have a mortgage. I am also of the thought my son is being used as a meal ticket. She will not get a proper job or go and further her education to get a proper job. I feel angry and frustrated that my son is putting up with someone who is very volatile at times and leaning on him because she doesn’t get on with her mother. I have said no but feel that I will have them here until either she “mistakenly” gets pregnant or he gets so far in debt that he loses the plot! Has anybody got any ideas? My son is 24.

OP posts:
SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 17/10/2018 22:50

Sorry but I think you ABU to imply that bar work is not a proper job. I can't get past that to judge the rest of your post because that in itself has just come across so incredibly snobby. A job is a job.

Singlebutmarried · 17/10/2018 22:50

What does your son say?

Can you talk to him by himself at all.

Singlebutmarried · 17/10/2018 22:52

Also if your son is in debt living at home, how on Earth is he going to pay full rent/council tax and other associated bills.

woolduvet · 17/10/2018 22:53

Aside from the quality of jobs point, no I wouldn't stand guarantor if I couldn't afford both bills.
They could move in with her parents for a few years now, share the love!
Put aside whether you think she's right for him, not your decision.
Tell him that she moved in for a few weeks and that is coming to an end.

TooTrueToBeGood · 17/10/2018 22:53

Being a guarantor is a massive commitment. You're basically signing up to pay their rent and any legal/enforcement/admin fees if they can't or won't pay the rent themselves. Think very carefully. If you can afford the worst case scenario fair enough but if not you need to appreciate this could bust you if it goes wrong.

LeftRightCentre · 17/10/2018 22:55

don't do it! NFW. He needs to stand on his own two feet.

SezziBaybee · 17/10/2018 22:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

malmi · 17/10/2018 22:58

"going from bar job to bar job" is not the same as having a proper job

tenorladybeaker · 17/10/2018 23:02

You seriously can't be a guarantor if you can't afford to foot the bill if these kids fail to pay the rent. It's not a matter of yes or no, if you agree to fill in the form you will be rejected anyway when they check out your finances.

There are rental opting that don't require a guarantor. They need to keep looking.

MoaningSickness · 17/10/2018 23:09

If your son has a good enough job to cover the full rent and he is a responsible person, then yes I'd agree to be guarantor (the gf isn't really relevant if he can cover the costs).

If he's the sort of person who might stiff his own mother ... Well to be honest in that case I wouldn't have him living with me either!

whatsthestory123 · 17/10/2018 23:29

Bar job to bar job is crap,ive done it myself and apart from unsocable hrs the pay and conditions are poor

It dosent sound like she can keep a job either

Dont it op your not in a position yo help

JosellaPlayton · 18/10/2018 00:22

All of the other stuff aside, if you can’t afford to pay the rent if they don’t then you can’t afford to be their guarantor. There will be a minimum earnings threshold, usually 3 times the rent, earning over £30k or something like that. If you don’t meet this threshold then that’s an easy end to the discussion; they’ll just need sort themselves out and get proper jobs so that don’t need a guarantor.

PersonaNonGarter · 18/10/2018 00:24

Never mind how you feel about the relationship - you can’t afford it!

It is very easy to see that these two might not keep up with the rent. Don’t do it or you will resent them even more.

Homemenu1 · 18/10/2018 00:26

If you have a mortgage to pay on your own house you may well not pass the references.
One Estate agent wanted them to earn 3x the monthly rent which was quite a lot

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 18/10/2018 00:51

YABU to say that bar work isn’t a “proper job”. It’s decent, honest work and she’s working hard to earn money - it’s not easy.

If she is happy with that and doesn’t want to change her work that is absolutely nothing to do with you and doesn’t mean she’s using your son as a “meal ticket”.

Not everyone wants a career, nor should they.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/10/2018 01:26

Don't even consider being their guarantor. It could ruin you. They are adults and need to sort things out for themselves.

Purpleartichoke · 18/10/2018 01:41

I would not be a guarantor for a 24 year old. frankly, if they can’t afford a place, they shouldn’t be living together to begin with.

Reasonable options
The generous mom version: She moves out and he pays you a rent that is fair, but allows him to save for his own place. You bank as much of his rent as possible and gift it to him when he moves out
The grow the f up version:

Purpleartichoke · 18/10/2018 01:42

They both leave soon

The maybe he should rethink his priorities version: he gets some friend roommates and saves up until he can afford a place with a girlfriend who doesn’t support herself

CupMug · 18/10/2018 01:47

It would be foolish if you to even think about doing this.

You should still tell them to move out. There is no reason you should feel compelled to have her in your house. M

Could they move somewhere cheaper. Not all areas need guarentaurs

LightastheBreeze · 18/10/2018 06:12

Don't do it, they sound far too unreliable, you will end up having to pay the lot.

Original poster
Ladybird1271 · 18/10/2018 06:31

It’s not that I don’t approve of bar work it’s the amount of jobs that she’s had, there is always someone who doesn’t like her and she either gets the sack or leaves. They have saved up but have run up a credit card so in effect haven’t saved anything. They have had good opportunity to save but haven’t. I really don’t want to put my name to something that I know will fail, with putting my home at risk into the bargain.

OP posts:
Isleepinahedgefund · 18/10/2018 07:14

Becoming a guarantor is not a decision to be made based on relationships and emotions (I.e. feeling you should/guilty because he's your son). It is a legal commitment and it could have serious financial implications.

newplacenofriends · 18/10/2018 07:18

In order for them to not afford a guarantor they need to earn 30 x the monthly rent (and be able to prove this). In order for you to be a guarantoor you need to earn 40 x the monthly rent. The only way they can get around renting, it they don't meet 30 x the monthly rent in salary, is to pay in advance (most places require 6 months to a year).

By the way, these figures sometimes vary but they are what I have always come across.

Some places don't require guarantors/ matching 30 x the monthly rent in salary but they are rare (I've never managed to find one).

Realistically if they can't meet affordabilty in the area you live their options are

  1. move to a cheaper area (if you live down south/near london it would be cheaper for them to move up north)
  2. you be their guarantor
  3. they find someone else to be their guarantor
  4. they manage to find a place that doesn't need a guarantor even if they don't earn enough
  5. they stay living with you
  6. they move in with her parents
  7. they sofa surf
newplacenofriends · 18/10/2018 07:19

sorry that should say they often would have to pay 6 months - 12 months in adavnce if can't meet affordabilty and no one will be their guarantor

MaisyPops · 18/10/2018 07:20

I think the OP was saying that going from bar job to bar job isn't a proper job (as in endlessly job hopping isn't a proper job or a stable financial situation and the girlfriend seems to have no get up and go to improve her prospects). I'd imagine she'd feel differently if it was just 'girlfriend works in a bar.

Like other posters, think of it without the emotion. Can you afford to pay their rent and fees if they don't? What if they continue to collect debt and then stop paying? What if they irresponsibly bring a child into this would the rent become less of a priority because they know there's a get out of jail free card?

For what it's worth, I'd also be probably advising your son to take any 'i'm on the pill' with a pinch of salt and insist condoms or no sex.