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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby name remorse turned to obsession, need help deciding what to do

48 replies

thewatergirl · 17/10/2018 16:20

Hiya,

Well here is yet another baby name remorse thread, happy I'm not alone at least :(

Saw a mum had posted on here a short while back about her naming dilemma and she got some fab answers, I thought I would post here as well as my situation is a bit different and really just involves obsessing and anxiety over actually changing it. Please let me know if it should go elsewhere, perhaps baby names or mental health?

Well where do I start, seems these stories always start off this way :( I wanted to name DS a certain name that I always loved and it felt really good in my heart. But I felt it was too popular on the boys list so I always told myself I couldn't name him that. We are getting down to the registration deadline and I just don't know, I know an acquaintance with the name and felt a bit daft so DH penned in his name choice so I would stop moaning and flip flopping and we registered.

2 weeks on I regretted it immensely. Now he will be 3 months on the 20th and I am still thinking about it all day every day wondering what to do. Feeling so daft I did this.

I have absolutely turned this into an OBSESSION and it is the only thing I ever think about from sun up to sun down. I am losing sleep, lost my appetite, but everything in my life is going wonderful except for this, its the name. I am tortured.

I have an obsessive personality. I obsess and get anxious over every single major life decision. My thoughts go a bit like this "Whyyyy didn't I name DS what I wanted. I hate his name. Or do I? I don't know, I hate hearing people say it and I get all stiff so that's probably not a good sign. Could I get used to it? DH said we can change it, no problem, he just wants me happy. I feel so bad about it, what an idiot, so embarrassing. I will miss his old name and will feel horrible. What if I change it and I'm not happy? Is this a random obsession? No, wouldn't have happened if I picked my first choice. What if I create an identity crisis within myself and I always think of him as the old name for as long as I live and he's got the new name, it would be torture right? I think I want to change it. I imagined changing it and running down the street with glee 3 weeks back then I overthought it. What if I'm just being daft. I don't know if I can change it, that's not fair to my DS and DH and it's so strange. I can't bring myself to call the doctors office and registrar and change it... bad sign? Is that my gut saying keep the name or anxiety over taking the step? Stop being silly and get used to it. Shit what if I regret changing it. Shit what if I regret not changing it? Do I even like the new name anymore. I do though. Do I? What do I do?" on and on and on.......

I really lack confidence in decision making.....

EVERY decision goes like this for me i.e. getting married, buying house, TTC etc I haven't regretted any of these decisions after the fact and they turned out wonderfully. I distinctly remember going through the same thing while we were TTC, wondering why I wasn't excited, thinking my anxiety was a bad sign I shouldn't be a mum... got pregnant, was afraid it was a bad choice and obsessed during the pregnancy and didn't think about names... now here we are. I am a wreck when it comes to decision making.

I am in a state of torture over it, reaching out to see if a 3rd party can help me see it clearly, perhaps you've been in a similar situation and could share what you did or perhaps you have a similar personality. Sorry I'm so embarrassed writing this all out..... xx

OP posts:

TeenTimesTwo · 17/10/2018 16:23

This sounds like a general issue for you, rather than specific for the name.

So first of all, can you get some help for yourself?

Second, I think you can change a name up to 1 year old. The simplest thing would be to add your preferred name as a middle name now, and then at any point you can use the middle instead of the first.

waterrat · 17/10/2018 16:27

OK op. I suffer from anxiety about desicions too so let me help you.

There is no perfect and `right' decision. Please please Meditate on this and accept it on your head. Happy people are much more willing to accept that life is made up of good and bad whichever path you take.

Research has shown that people who believe in finding their 'rightt' decision are much more likely to be anxious.

It really doesn't matter what you do.

To me three months is a tiny tiny baby. I think you should just change the name and move on.

But absolutely nobody on here matters - because in the long run the only thing that matters is your mental wellbeing.

GloriousMystery · 17/10/2018 16:29

Change the name if your DH is happy to, and get some help for your anxiety.

RedHelenB · 17/10/2018 16:31

I think you should keep his name and get help with your anxiety.

Randomnumbers7483 · 17/10/2018 16:34

Add your name as a middle name and then call him whichever one feels right. Loads of people use their middle name and then DS can choose himself when he is older.

BarbarianMum · 17/10/2018 16:34

Clearly this is a wider issue for yoy but regarding your ds why not start using the new name at home, just you and your dh and see how that feels? You can just call him "baby" or use a nickname for in public.

Original poster

thewatergirl · 17/10/2018 16:37

I am not blaming my DH of course but I think this situation is exacerbated by his passive personality. He just kind of put in a name he liked whereas I really loved the other name... I'm going back and forth saying "oh is it daft to name him something so popular" he's like "I don't care just pick something"... I let my (social?) anxiety make the decision for me... I am so exhausted and fed up with myself. I don't want to regret this, whatever I do.

OP posts:

crunchtime · 17/10/2018 16:38

How popular a name is shouldn't be a deciding factor. Your child is unique because of his personality and spirit. .not because of his name. If you love the name, use it.
You really do need to go and see the dr about your anxiety though.

FlowThroughIt · 17/10/2018 16:38

Can you just change it to put the name you want in front and add his current first name as a second middle name?

For Example:
'John Wyatt Smith'
becomes
'Gerald John Wyatt Smith'

whatisthiseven · 17/10/2018 16:39

"EVERY decision goes like this for me i.e. getting married, buying house, TTC etc I haven't regretted any of these decisions after the fact and they turned out wonderfully. I distinctly remember going through the same thing while we were TTC, wondering why I wasn't excited, thinking my anxiety was a bad sign I shouldn't be a mum... got pregnant, was afraid it was a bad choice and obsessed during the pregnancy and didn't think about names... now here we are. I am a wreck when it comes to decision making. "

You could be describing me here. It got so much worse just after my baby was born, I'd get obsessed about decisions and ultimately be paralysed by them. This snowballed into worse feelings and ultimately I was referred to the post-partum mental health team. I am in no way saying you're on this route BUT I had this behaviour before and going through CBT therapy has been the single best thing I've done for myself. That obsession is called rumination, obsessing over a decision and feeling guilt, regret, embarrassment and often anger. Apparently all the fight or flight systems that come into play with having a newborn can really kick it up a notch.

I really hope you decide what to do with your son's name but in the meantime, please mention it to your midwife or contact Talking Therapies for a referral on the NHS www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/benefits-of-talking-therapy/

All the very best

FlowThroughIt · 17/10/2018 16:41

Your son is very young, I don't think it's too late for a change of heart name change.

There's nothing wrong with popular names either, I'd have loved one growing up. Instead of having a weird name I dislike and don't use.

Original poster

thewatergirl · 17/10/2018 16:44

thanks to all, yeah I mentioned about sneaking in another name, DH isn't too fond of the idea, either wants the first name changed or for me to forget about it

He says there is no reason for me to feel bad or anxious about any of this and he thinks we should go do it, he said if it helps my anxiety he could fill out the registration paperwork and I would just have to sign.

@whatisthiseven yep that's me exactly. I have gone through all these emotions- regret, guilt, embarrassment, shame, anger at myself that I can't either just do it or shut up about it.

I am going to get into talk therapy I think. I think perhaps I need to realise that I will regret either decision as they both have pros and cons, and I just need to take action (or not) then deal with the negative emotions that come out of it.

OP posts:

Lauren0rder · 17/10/2018 16:46

Could you tell us the names please?

Original poster

thewatergirl · 17/10/2018 16:47

I must say I have never ever felt this anxious about anything before, I think it is just the gravity of it all. Even other life decisions...when I bought our house oh well, it could be sold if we got into a financial crisis. When I got married oh well, if things don't work out we can go our separate ways. When I accepted my job oh well, I can get a new one. Financial crisis? Ah well declare bankruptcy if that happens. But THIS is something I will literally be saying for decades, maybe half a century more, better make the right decision you know?

I think something that other mum said really rang true with me, that DS is probably going to be my only child so I have a pressure to get it right...

OP posts:

waterrat · 17/10/2018 16:47

Op thr thing with anxiety is its free floating in your mind. It's not actually out there in the things you are worried about it's a quality of your thinking and your mind.

I really think you should just change the name or add a name. It doesn't matter and their are very few decisions in life that aren't reversible. Just start using the new one and see how it goes.

It's not uncommon. I have a close friend who changed her sons name and a cousin did also. Both after months rather than days.

Have some acceptance that it's normal and part of life that sometimes you only realise the name you want after a little while.

Original poster

thewatergirl · 17/10/2018 16:48

@Lauren0rder Sorry I don't want to post the names on the internet here, I saw in another baby name thread that responders were giving biased responses based on which name they personally preferred more and I want to avoid that and really just get to the heart of this issue. If you are dying to know I will PM you. xx

OP posts:

waterrat · 17/10/2018 16:49

It really isn't a life shaking decision op. Honestly it's not. Your anxiety is making this a bigger deal than it is.

CrackersDontMatter · 17/10/2018 16:51

I wanted to change my dd’s name to her middle name but exH talked me out of it. She goes

MemoryOfSleep · 17/10/2018 16:52

Our you could give him the other name and start worrying that someone at work has it and it's too popular and every time you hear another mother call her child that name you might freeze up and hate that it's so common... I don't think the name is your problem here, OP. Have you seen a doctor about your anxiety?

mistermagpie · 17/10/2018 16:55

I think with these things you have to get to the heart of whether the name itself is the issue or whether this is to do with your own mental health. Only you can answer that but at three months post birth, post natal depression/anxiety is clearly a strong possibility.

Can you try and imagine him with the other name? Or actually use that name for a week or two? Then see how you feel? If the anxiety goes then it was the name, of it doesn't or it transfers to something else then it wasn't really about the name at all.

SirGawain · 17/10/2018 16:55

I am not sure if this is current law but years ago this happened to a family I knew. They were able to add another name and a note that legally they were to be known by that name.

Original poster

thewatergirl · 17/10/2018 16:55

@waterrat yeah true, I do realise anxiety is making this incredibly difficult for me.

OP posts:

diddl · 17/10/2018 16:58

You went against the name as you decided it was too popular & you have an acquiantance with the name.

Do those two things still put you off?

Do you like your son's name at all?

If you change, might you then start to obssess over the name he has now?

Original poster

thewatergirl · 17/10/2018 16:59

It's a bit that I don't even mind that it's popular now... now that we called DS something that I had no connection with I realise that popularity just doesn't matter and I wish I'd have gone with my original heart on it. But then my anxiety says "you're so stupid you can't go changing it, you'll hate your original name too blah blah blah"

I am going to see my GP this week and see what she says about it all. I think it has gone on long enough that I need some sort of treatment whether that is medication or therapy or both.

OP posts:

Knittink · 17/10/2018 17:00

You say it's the gravity of it that's making you obsess. Why do you think it's so grave? It really isn't, you know. Unless you have a really extreme, ridiculous name, people don't really even think about it. It's just... your name. It doesn't say anything about your personality, because you are given your name before you really have a personality. Who knows, your ds may prefer the name you're wanting to change! More likely, he'll just accept what name he has, and not think about it. This is purely your anxiety talking. Names aren't that important.

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