Baby name remorse turned to obsession, need help deciding what to do

[thewatergirl]

Hiya,

Well here is yet another baby name remorse thread, happy I'm not alone at least :(

Saw a mum had posted on here a short while back about her naming dilemma and she got some fab answers, I thought I would post here as well as my situation is a bit different and really just involves obsessing and anxiety over actually changing it. Please let me know if it should go elsewhere, perhaps baby names or mental health?

Well where do I start, seems these stories always start off this way :( I wanted to name DS a certain name that I always loved and it felt really good in my heart. But I felt it was too popular on the boys list so I always told myself I couldn't name him that. We are getting down to the registration deadline and I just don't know, I know an acquaintance with the name and felt a bit daft so DH penned in his name choice so I would stop moaning and flip flopping and we registered.

2 weeks on I regretted it immensely. Now he will be 3 months on the 20th and I am still thinking about it all day every day wondering what to do. Feeling so daft I did this.

I have absolutely turned this into an OBSESSION and it is the only thing I ever think about from sun up to sun down. I am losing sleep, lost my appetite, but everything in my life is going wonderful except for this, its the name. I am tortured.

I have an obsessive personality. I obsess and get anxious over every single major life decision. My thoughts go a bit like this "Whyyyy didn't I name DS what I wanted. I hate his name. Or do I? I don't know, I hate hearing people say it and I get all stiff so that's probably not a good sign. Could I get used to it? DH said we can change it, no problem, he just wants me happy. I feel so bad about it, what an idiot, so embarrassing. I will miss his old name and will feel horrible. What if I change it and I'm not happy? Is this a random obsession? No, wouldn't have happened if I picked my first choice. What if I create an identity crisis within myself and I always think of him as the old name for as long as I live and he's got the new name, it would be torture right? I think I want to change it. I imagined changing it and running down the street with glee 3 weeks back then I overthought it. What if I'm just being daft. I don't know if I can change it, that's not fair to my DS and DH and it's so strange. I can't bring myself to call the doctors office and registrar and change it... bad sign? Is that my gut saying keep the name or anxiety over taking the step? Stop being silly and get used to it. Shit what if I regret changing it. Shit what if I regret not changing it? Do I even like the new name anymore. I do though. Do I? What do I do?" on and on and on.......

I really lack confidence in decision making.....

EVERY decision goes like this for me i.e. getting married, buying house, TTC etc I haven't regretted any of these decisions after the fact and they turned out wonderfully. I distinctly remember going through the same thing while we were TTC, wondering why I wasn't excited, thinking my anxiety was a bad sign I shouldn't be a mum... got pregnant, was afraid it was a bad choice and obsessed during the pregnancy and didn't think about names... now here we are. I am a wreck when it comes to decision making.

I am in a state of torture over it, reaching out to see if a 3rd party can help me see it clearly, perhaps you've been in a similar situation and could share what you did or perhaps you have a similar personality. Sorry I'm so embarrassed writing this all out..... xx

Sorry, posted too soon.

She goes by a nickname derived from her original name and has never really been known by her full name. I wish I’d held my ground and changed it. She was 4 months old. I don’t really have any lingering issues about it other than twinges of sadness but she’d suit it so much more.

What I actually wanted to share is that my DH has a hyphenated first name (eg John-Paul) some people call him by the first half, some by the second and some by the whole thing. He’s “John” to my family and “Paul” to his own. So where PP have mentioned just adding it to the name and using it at home for now, that could work. Meanwhile you can then get some help with the anxiety meaning that if in the future you are able to see the issue more clearly, you’ve got both options open and he’ll be used to hearing both names.

Try referring to him as that for a few days and see how you feel.

@diddl, those two things don't put me off at all now. The acquaintance is DH's football club friend he sees probably a few months now.

Now I think of DS's name..... I don't think I like it. But my anxiety has gotten into my head and muddled everything up that I don't even know what to think anymore. Am I conflicted thinking I like it because I feel guilty and stupid over the ordeal and I am trying to convince myself not to do anything?

Ah I am so embarrassed over all of it, I probably sound like a right mental case.

I'm glad to see you're going to your GP for help OP.

FWIW I would chanbe the name immediately. Don't delay as this will carry on making you ill. Maybe use his current name as a middle name. Hopefully then things will start to feel better for you along with counselling and medication for your anxiety.

Wishing you all the best

Just do it. If you've always liked the other name you're not going to go off it. In a few months this will be a distant memory :-)

OP I can feel your anxiety in your words and empathise completely as this is me all over. Particularly in your first post with the description of how your thoughts might run, the to & fro, back & forth, one anxiety branching out into another. If you were to draw it it would look like an incredibly complex flowchart!

In contemplating your choice I even got anxious myself because I can see how impossible it seems to you so I completely understand where you're coming from.

Unfortunately I have no magic answer because there isn't one, I know you probably want someone to give you the 'right' answer, that's always what I want, the one thing that will make me go 'oh yes of course!' and all that anxiety will melt away because I've 'found' it.

My opinion is that the anxiety about not liking your DS's current name is your 'true' primary anxiety, and the anxiety about changing it being the wrong thing is a secondary anxiety, purely borne out of your tendency to be anxious and ask 'what if?' Based on that I would say changing it to the one you love is the right thing for you, but I would be inclined to try & convince your husband to keep his current name as a middle name. Hope that all makes sense!

And CBT I think might be key for you, I found therapy had made me very self-aware & more able to assess my worries & tendencies in a constructive way.

I went through this too with my second child. I really wanted this name but it's popular. We picked an unusual name instead. I couldnt stop thinking about the name..and kept wondering if I should change it. My husband convinced me to leave it as it was. Now that she is older her name has grown on me. The name doesn't bother me at all now. I'm glad I didn't change it as I couldn't imagine her as another name. I think I was a bit emotional and suffered a little anxiety so used the name to obsess over. When really there was nothing wrong with it.

Just change it.

I always loved a certain girls name, if I had a DD that's what I would use, came around and it was MASSIVELY popular. I still used it as I loved the name. I don't regret it despite it being everywhere. At least you can find it on name stuff.

The person who said that you have until the baby is a year old, to change the name is right. I know someone who changed her daughter's name at 51 weeks old.

Change the name. There's no reason not to. It's not uncommon for people to change their minds. It will make you feel better. And also pursue help for your anxiety. But you shouldn't ignore or minimize your feelings about the name because you have anxiety. Deal with both.

@BrendasUmbrella I think you've given me a bit of a glimmer here.

I have to remember back to when we were choosing DS's name and got it registered, the discussion went like "well which name do you want" and I said my preferred choice but "but would your football mate with the same name take the piss about it" (really really bad social anxiety)

Now I think because I have a clear anxiety issue that runs my life, I don't trust my decisions because I made a very stupid one to begin with and it's shaken my confidence, I say to myself "well how do I trust myself making a massive decision to change it then!"

.

OP, change the name. If it worries you to commit to the change formally, just call him by the name you like and make that the name he is known by.

Vic Reeves apparently has three different names according to who he is with. It’s not uncommon.

Your anxiety can also be helped, with the right medication. You may not become decisive overnight but you won’t doubt and agonise over every single decision you make. It’s fixable.

I have visions of her changing the name and still being just as anxious that she doesn't like it.

My DS changed his given name in his 20s some people know him as one name, some as the other. Everyone copes, it’s not a grave decision, if renaming will make you happier then rename him.

@thewatergirl

thanks to all, yeah I mentioned about sneaking in another name, DH isn't too fond of the idea, either wants the first name changed or for me to forget about it

He says there is no reason for me to feel bad or anxious about any of this and he thinks we should go do it, he said if it helps my anxiety he could fill out the registration paperwork and I would just have to sign.

@whatisthiseven yep that's me exactly. I have gone through all these emotions- regret, guilt, embarrassment, shame, anger at myself that I can't either just do it or shut up about it.

I am going to get into talk therapy I think. I think perhaps I need to realise that I will regret either decision as they both have pros and cons, and I just need to take action (or not) then deal with the negative emotions that come out of it.

How are you now??? How did it all go???

I OP

I had massive regret over my second childs name, I was really upset about it to the point of not sleeping some times and it lasted a couple of years, until she could say her name and told me she liked it, it was like she had become her own little person and it stopped being my decision, it was just her.
I would advise you to try out the name for a few weeks. Introduce him to random people in shops and see what reaction you get and how it sounds out loud. I didnt do this and got a name that looks pretty on paper but sounds awful in the local accent where I live! And also you might get a 'oh I know three other babies with that name' response which shows you if it really is popular or not.
I'd also put the name and any others you like into one of the baby name websites that suggest other similar names, you might find one that you also love but is slightly less popular.

ZOMBIE THREAD

@TheRavenNevermore

ZOMBIE THREAD

Maybe it doesn't matter

What happened in the end?

Hi there, your post from 5 years ago is EXACTLY what I have been going through! I wondered what you did and how it was resolved?

Purely replying to the name situation because I don’t think I’m qualified to reply about the obsessive tendencies.

I had regret over one of my children’s names and I changed it at around three months old. I’ve never regretted it and she is her ‘new’ name. She will never remember being the old name and I haven’t missed it or regretted changing it even though I was sure I would. The only thing I found slightly difficult was telling people. They had all got used to her old name but I never found it quite fit. In the end I put up a Facebook post to get it out of the way.

It’s a bit annoying on the birth certificate. They don’t give you a new one, they amend the old one. So her first name is still on the front but on the back there’s a section that’s for name changes and her name is there.