AIBU School Trip

[scotgal2017]

STBXH left last year after 20 years together. Was living abroad and I had to move back to UK. 2 Dcs, both in secondary school. I have just started term time only job which is low income (a lot less than personal allowance even). He pays a set amount each month for kids/rent. He earns 6 figures annually and can afford anything he wants. Not divorced yet as I have to try and find £190 to pay for a sol for an hour to get ball rolling etc.

Eldest DC (mid teens) brought home letter about a school trip happening in a year and a half to America. Cost is £1700. I stopped reading letter at that point and told her to ask her father. They are with him just now and I have received text from her saying he said he would pay the trip if I pay the spending money. I said I can't afford it (I have no savings, will get nothing from divorce and so I have to start saving for any unexpected emergencies etc). I said sorry to her but I can't do it. She is a good kid and understands the situation I'm in.

Next day had a message from STBXH saying he will pay trip and he is sure grandparents will chip in to help with spending money. my DF has already paid out a fortune since me and kids returned to Uk to help me out...... and also why should the grandparents be expected to help with it???

He has been pestering and I said I did not agree and I wasn't prepared to give spending money nor go down the route of asking GPs to help out.

AIBU? The trip doesn't even seem to be educational related as the city they are going to has a few landmarks etc plus I'm not sure I would deem it the safest of places for kids! I've mentioned cost to workmates and friends and they say they wouldn't be able to afford it.

Just for an idea of the difference here, that £1700 for the trip, is what he earns for just 3 days work......

Your daughter is a teenager. I would actually tell her this at this point. Calmly. And then show her the zero pounds in your savings account, and what he's left you all with to survive on day in and day out.

Re the £1700 for 3 days work. Is that before tax, and before he pays your rent, and the additional he gives you, and his own bills? Be careful about bandying about statements like this to your dds. Because...

You do sound very bitter op, which is completely understandable giving the predicament you now find yourself in. But, because of this, be careful you don't cut your nose off to spite your face. Ie comments like the 3 days work thing. At the moment, he's paying your rent plus extras. Which he absolutely should do as your dds father. But, and I don't know his particular situation, but I do know (from mn) that a great deal of absent fathers pay absolutely zilch.

OP this is the info on HMRC website regarding the taxable CB

Overview
You may have to pay a tax charge, known as the ‘High Income Child Benefit Charge’, if you have an individual income over £50,000 and either:

you or your partner get Child Benefit
someone else gets Child Benefit for a child living with you and they contribute at least an equal amount towards the child’s upkeep

As you no longer have a partner you wouldn't be taxed and nor would he. Give them a call asap as i suspect you will be surprised!

With regards the trip, i am on your side. We had similar last year - my stepson was offered a ski trip at a cost of £1600 - 10 days, Italy, lessons, kit etc. We told DSS that we were very sorry but we just didn't have that sort of money for a jolly holiday that was not educational in any sense. His mum went ballistic and tried all sorts of tactics, but we stood our ground as we simply couldn't afford it. It was a good job as i was made redundant and ended up in and out of temping roles and 'gig economy' jobs for 12 months til something came along.

ultimately his mum bad mouthed us everywhere and her parents ended up paying for most of it, she then wanted money for kit and spending which we also refused. she made the choice to send him, she could foot the bill.

you have explained to your dd, she has understood. Your exh is being a twat to score points and make himself look good.

Good luck!

Thanks for all the info guys, I'm hoping to get down again to CAB next week to get the ball rolling on finding out if I am entitled to any benefits.

STBXH has had his little drama (getting wrong end of stick in my messages and trying to make out that I said DD couldn't go at all ....this was not said at all, I just re-iterated I was not prepared to pay for spending money). Apparently now he "understands if you can't afford it and it's fine"...........and he said I was always the one who caused drama . I will still discuss matters with DD when she comes back i.e she could save her own money etc.

I will say that most students won’t go on these trips so she won’t be left out at all by not going - in fact she’d be very much in the minority. We can’t get kids to stump up £20 so run very few trips - if the money’s not there, it’s not there.

I’m not surprised the op is bitter. Going from an expat lifestyle to ondcehere she’s having to look at every penny. Been there OP, it WILL get better.

TheFifthKey This is true, the majority won’t go.

What’s your stbex’s position op, is he just a nasty person?

I think you are wrong about benifits.

My friend is still married and her x is a millionaire. She claims housing and council tax child benifit and working tax credits.

She works in a low paid job.

Her kids also get free school meals and there's are charities that help find trips etc.

Ask him to pay you the money (or DD) and see if school will subsidize the trip.

@Fifthkey, yes I wondered this but then there is also the fear that other parents bankrupt themselves to make sure their kid goes and then she might worry that she can't keep up with her peers! I'm glad i'm not a kid in this generation, give me the 80's as a child again anyday lol.

@legofriendly, yes thanks, I suppose i am a bit bitter but surely that is perfectly normal/reasonable? To have given 20 years to this man, supported him in his advancing career so that he can get to a point to earn 6 figures, put up with his abusive shit for 2 decades and to not have something at the end of it is a bit hard to swallow. He can do what he likes, spend what he likes etc. I have to start my life from scratch again. I wasn't going to ask much as a settlement, just enough to maybe start a small business doing something I love that would benefit my kids in the future but that's not to be either....

@Greentulips, it would seem so from what you and others have said. I'll try and get CAB app next week.

We're quite comfortably off but have refused to pay for trips that expensive, it's a ludicrous amount of money. That's what we spend on a family holiday for the 5 of us. Your DD will not be the only one not going by any stretch so stand your ground. If he wants to pay for her to go that's great but he needs to cover the total cost including the spending money. As it is he is being very unfair to your DD dangling the possibility in front of her but making it look like you're the bad guy for saying no when it's really not your fault you're in the financial position you are in.

You can definitely claim child benefit regardless of your husbands earnings if he doesn’t live with you.

It’s £100 in spending money. Can she go without a birthday and Christmas present from you and put the money to one side instead? It seems a huge shame to miss out on a £1700 trip just because of £100. I think you are trying to prove a point rather than actually thinking about your DD. If you had to find it ASAP I would understand, but you’ve got 18 months to find the money and your DD can help you think of ways to do it.

We could afford the trip but still wouldn't pay for an intercontinental 'jolly'. I also think that if she was really keen she should be willing to use Christmas money as her spending money.

Personally I'd have loved to have an experience like this. And if one of my dc were offered it I'd most definitely find a way to enable it for them.

As pp said any gifts could be monetary, easily making your child the £100 spends.

It sounds like a fabulous opportunity.

@poodletip, yes he has already said he understands (now) that I am not going to cover spending money so he is making arrangements for everything financially.

@onebiteofeverything, no, no point being made. I have to start from scratch as i have no savings, no assets, nothing from divorce etc. if i lost my job tomorrow or if STBXH decided not to pay the maintenance amount he normally does, I wouldn't even be able to pay the full rent on my home so saving as much as I can is of paramount importance imo. My kids have wanted for nothing for most of their lives, it would do them no harm to have to save £100 themselves etc.

I settled for a lot less than I would have got OP. I regretted it about 5 years later when I was still struggling. No children either then.

OK now (many years later) but it made my life more difficult than it should have been.

Go for what is rightfully yours.

@legofriendly, unfortunately free 30 minutes with solicitor confirms all I am entitled to is a couple of thousand pounds....like I say, leaves a bitter taste in the mouth after 2 decades...if i tried to take it to court to get more it would just wipe me out financially if it went against me and I would be in debt up to my eyeballs.