AIBU School Trip

[scotgal2017]

STBXH left last year after 20 years together. Was living abroad and I had to move back to UK. 2 Dcs, both in secondary school. I have just started term time only job which is low income (a lot less than personal allowance even). He pays a set amount each month for kids/rent. He earns 6 figures annually and can afford anything he wants. Not divorced yet as I have to try and find £190 to pay for a sol for an hour to get ball rolling etc.

Eldest DC (mid teens) brought home letter about a school trip happening in a year and a half to America. Cost is £1700. I stopped reading letter at that point and told her to ask her father. They are with him just now and I have received text from her saying he said he would pay the trip if I pay the spending money. I said I can't afford it (I have no savings, will get nothing from divorce and so I have to start saving for any unexpected emergencies etc). I said sorry to her but I can't do it. She is a good kid and understands the situation I'm in.

Next day had a message from STBXH saying he will pay trip and he is sure grandparents will chip in to help with spending money. my DF has already paid out a fortune since me and kids returned to Uk to help me out...... and also why should the grandparents be expected to help with it???

He has been pestering and I said I did not agree and I wasn't prepared to give spending money nor go down the route of asking GPs to help out.

AIBU? The trip doesn't even seem to be educational related as the city they are going to has a few landmarks etc plus I'm not sure I would deem it the safest of places for kids! I've mentioned cost to workmates and friends and they say they wouldn't be able to afford it.

[scotgal2017]

@buckeejit he just keeps on suggesting GPs on both sides can help by giving her spending money.......so if I said i had no wiggle room he would just say well GPs can help, he just assumes that everyone can jump to help and I am just being a cow. I don't mention my finances, it's none of his business and I don't think i should have to explain myself to him as i have already said no and i can't afford it to my DD.

[diddl]

That (imo) is a stupid amount of money & tbh would be a no from us even though we could probably afford it.

[Thisreallyisafarce]

Let him keep suggesting it. Ignore him!

[Howhot]

Surely in that amount of time DD can save spending money herself? Birthday/Xmas money and odd jobs for neighbors perhaps? It's a long time to get some money together

[Jlynhope]

It actually seems reasonable to me. Your dd can save the money in that time. If she really wants to go she'll make the effort.

[scotgal2017]

@diddl yes it is! What happened to the school trips where you went to the beach or the zoo? The people I have spoken to have said pretty much the same as you.

@thisreallyisafarce yes it annoys me that he gets headspace. I only communicate with him about kids and bills and contact has been fantastically minimal. It annoys me when he keeps messaging with this crap and that i allow him to take up valuable headspace with it.

I think I will put it to DD that she can save her own money if she really wants to go and leave it at that. Thanks for the opinions and suggestions.

[Witchofwisteria]

Why won't you get anything in the divorce?

[rainingcatsanddog]

I have 3 kids at secondary and despite being in a leafy middle class area, they don't do these trips costing 4 figure sums. The residential trips are for a minority of students eg Duke of Edinburgh. They get offered 2ish trips a year and they total less than £30 each and they are educational - theatre, museums etc Yanbu to say that you can't afford the spending money.

[BewareOfDragons]

Stand firm.

He has money, you don't, and he knows it.

What an utter arsehole he is torturing his daughter this way, pretending he'll pay for the trip if you do something ... knowing you can't ... so he won't have to either.

[scotgal2017]

@witchofwisteria, see previous post and also I have other threads on the topic. i could fight him for a higher lump sum settlement but that would just be wasting any money I got IMO so I have to do it the hard way and save what I can to get myself on my feet.

@rainingcatsanddog it's a crazy amount of money, i wish i could say it was a private school but it's not.

@bewareofdragons I hadn't looked at it that way, as usual I'll be the villain of the piece and he will be the best dad in the world.... obviously as much as i would like to I can't slag him to her asnd tell her exactly what it looks like from my perspective. Dcs witnessed his controlling and abusive ways and know what he is a like to a certain level but until they are adults I doubt they will fully understand the intentions in his actions.

[Dragongirl10]

YANBU, at 16 she can be creative about earning money, babysitting/gardening/cleaning etc, its an essential life skill to have to find work to save for things...

You have to prioritise your security.

[CheesyWeez]

I know a family who can't afford a school trip for GCSE. They have been able to get some of it paid by asking the town council who have an education fund for this sort of thing, and the school also discreetly helped with costs as the whole class does have to go.

Ask to see the class teacher / tutor / head of school?

But also why is the school running such an expensive trip! Will your other kids expect to go on it when it's their turn?

[mrsm43s]

So he's going to pay £1700, and is saying you should contribute the £100 or so spending money. You work and have presumably CB and TC top ups, and I guess a fairly generous amount of CMS if he's on 6 figures. Yes, I think he's being reasonable. By all means don't let her go if you don't want to, but own that decision. A £100 contribution to a nearly £2k trip, with over a year to save it is not an unreasonable ask.

[IHaveBrilloHair]

buckeejit, I don't get a paper delivered but I do know of at least three shops in my wee town that do deliver them and have teenagers doing the job.

[Thisreallyisafarce]

A £100 contribution to a nearly £2k trip, with over a year to save it is not an unreasonable ask.

It is when you need to ask for money from a relative for food and bills.

[scotgal2017]

@mrsm43s you sound like him I'm wondering if it is STBXH posting. FYI, I can't claim benefits until i have been here over 3 months, I also wouldn't be claiming CB as from what i have read with the new rules as he is a high earner it's pointless as there is now tax on it. The amount he pays every month covers rent, which is now higher than it was abroad, and the rest goes towards kids/shopping/bills/insurance/petrol etc etc. When I went to CAB a month and a half ago and told her what was going in and out of my account, the first thing she said was "it doesn't leave you a lot to live on does it". it's nice of you to assume that i have a money tree and I can just afford to pay whatever, when if I don't prioritise and save for mine/my kids future, if something happens we will be up shit creek. Understand, I have no savings. Zip. Nada. Zilch. I have to get back on my feet and making sure I have savings for emergencies should they arise overides him trying to make me look like a cow. Period.

Just for an idea of the difference here, that £1700 for the trip, is what he earns for just 3 days work......

[Basecamp65]

Look at it this way - if your dd could have the opportunity for a week in the USA and it would only cost you £100 and you have a year or mote tp find it - would you do everything you could to give her that opportunity? Because that is the situation you are in.

If there is no way you could manage this then that is your answer.

If yes then this is no different. If your daughter wants more spending money than that or what you are able to afford then she needs to find it.

Stop enabling your ex to control your life. Make your decision on what you and you alone are being asked for. What he is contributing or not contributing to the total is irrelevant - this is about you and what you are prepared to do.

[scotgal2017]

@basecamps no i wouldn't and I have my reasons for it. Even if we were still together I would have thought that it was a lot of money for a school trip and would be loathed to pay it. But in that circumstance she would have got to go as STBXH would think nothing of spending it. If the trip was to somewhere educational and had a meaningful educational purpose then perhaps. As it was, i told her she would have to ask her DF if SHE really wanted to go.

I have stuck to my guns and I'm made to feel like a cow for it. There is the option for STBXH to a) say she can't go at all b) pay for trip and ask his DM for her spending money c) pay for the trip and give her spending money.......so if i've already made my feelings known and said what my decision is, why should I try to be forced by STBXH to change my position when he has other viable options?

[mrsm43s]

You can claim CB, since your ex is s not part of your household, his salary will not be counted. One month of CB for two children will easily pay your daughter's spending money😊

If you don't want your daughter to go, then tell her. But your ex has offered to pay £1700 out of the £1800 total cost - that is very reasonable. Your daughter has two parents, and both should contribute to the expenses involved in raising them. It is not up to him alone to pay for everything, regardless of how big his salary is.

[rogueantimatter]

Stick to your guns is my advice.

If you sign your DD up for this trip you're committed to going. It's all very well posters claiming that the spending money will be £100 but what if it isn't? The exchange rate isn't good as it used to be for a start. The pupils might be allowed a shopping trip. What about when they're at the airport? Food and drink is astronomically expensive. Other pupils will be buying holiday clothes etc

Tbh it drives me nuts when schools offer these expensive trips. They claim to be educational but if they're vital for the pupils' education they should all be going.

I live in a leafy suburb and my two had one school trip each. DD went to France DS went on a world challenge for which he raised most of the funds himself and or with our help. He had never been abroad before.


Neither of my two were overly upset about not getting trips. DD has since been to China with an orchestra when she was a student. We gave her no help with that either. She got most of it funded through charitable trusts and made up the difference herself.

[ruddynorah]

I think you're being stubborn. He's paying the bulk. Then you and your daughter have 18m (including birthdays/Xmas/Saturday job) to save up. Plus who knows you may well be in a better paying job in a year's time.

I'd also double check what you're entitled to. You get child benefit based on you as the sole caregiver. Nothing to do with DH at all. That'll be about £135 a month for two kids. And in 3 months you'll get tax credits. Have you checked how much? You get more if you work over 16hrs a week.

[CoconutQueen]

Op- Unfortunately, these days schools send out letters about ridiculous trips like this frequently. Most families can't afford it.

Just say no, like most families do!



I assure you the majority of her year group will say no!

[scotgal2017]

Child Benefit and the Higher Tax Charge
If you or your ex-partner is earning over £50,000 and you receive Child Benefit, you should have been taxed on the amount you’ve received.

If your income has dropped below £50,000 as a lone parent and you are continuing to get Child Benefit you should contact the Child Benefit Office and tell them about your change of circumstances following separation.

If you had chosen not to receive Child Benefit, so that your ex-partner didn’t have to pay the extra tax, you should speak to the Child Benefit Office about making a claim for payment.

This is what i was going by and also having seen male based forums where they said STBXW had received CB and they had to pay tax for it. Since we are not divorced, something else I read that I can't find now said that his earnings are still taken into account, so i don;t know until i apply whether STBXH's earnings affect it or not.

@mrsm43s exactly, I agree that both parents should contribute, that is why i want to save as much as I can so that i have enough to be able to save for a deposit for a house for them to live in/take them on holiday/pay for school trips etc.....as yet i am nowhere near being in a position to do so and STBXH knows it.

@ruddynorah, I appreciate your answer. yes, i could be in a better paid job in a years but i could also be out of a job then too? No-one knows so isn't it sensible for me to put every spare penny aside until i have a comfortable amount saved should the unexpected occur? if I was made redundant tomorrow I wouldn;t have a pot to piss in......whilst STBXH has thousands sitting in the bank......yes I may get some benefits but as yet i don;t know if I can/will and so I have to base what i can afford on today not tomorrow.

[DayManChampionOfTheSun]

Personally, I would tell get to save Xmas and birthday money and ask reletives to give money (could be in dollars?) as gifts if they ask what dd wants

[ruddynorah]

Yes if you were still together you would have had to pay tax on the CB, however you're now not together and your income is less than £50k so you're eligible.

You do sound ever so pessimistic.