To regret having a child with new DP?

[Lastnightsdinner]

Has anyone felt like this before? Late 30s been with DP for 2 years now, before that I was single for 10 years. Have 2 DDs from previous relationship. Before I met DP I was adamant i wouldn't have more children, and that i wouldn't live with someone else again. Now a part of me wants to have a child with him but scared it will change everything. We don't live together now, but wouldn't we have to if we did have a child? Sometimes I feel like maybe I want a child now so I can do it "right" this time round. My relationship with my ex wasn't great, he was very lazy and I did everything on my own. But then on the other hand I'm scared I'll regret not having a child whilst I could when I'm 50/60 unable to have children.

Help!

Very similar situation here. I'm 39, met my partner 3 years ago. I already had 2 children who are now 14 and 21 and had brought them up alone since youngest was under 1. Partner didn't have any but wanted one. I had previously been adamant... No more children!! But our 14 week old is currently snoozing on the bed next to me

No regrets here!

And btw, totally get what you mean about wanting to do it right this time

Oh and also I was the same about living together. We do now obviously and it's been no where near as difficult as I thought.

I do miss my own space and the way things used to be occasionally, but overall it's been positive

My relationship with my ex wasn't great, he was very lazy and I did everything on my own

But surely if you don't want to live with your DP you'd end up doing everything on your own just like with your ex, no?

Is there a reason why you’re not living with your DP?

Aw congratulations! . Another thing that also bothers me is that I spent my 20s having children, raising them in my 30s and I was hoping to spend my 40s and 50s travelling, exploring basically finally doing me! But now if I have a baby in my 40s I would never have had any adult childfree time? But then again I'm really broody! 

Personally I wouldn't do it. I think it would have a huge impact on your older DC and they should be your focus.

Also you don't really know a person until you've lived with them a while. There are way too many unknowns and I'd want to preserve what I had for my existing children.

@Gnomesofthegalaxy

Completely missing the point of the thread but what is it like to have a 21yr old and only be 39 yourself?! I’m 37 and my eldest is 12 but I’ve always wondered this whenever I’ve seen/heard it!

I think feeling broody is quite common in late 30's. It's your body's way of telling you you're in the last chance saloon! Many friends have talked of it and didn't have another DC, they just waited for the feeling to pass. They're very glad to be the other side of it!!

I’ve never understood the desire to have more children just because you meet a new man. I’ve got 2 and would never have anymore.

Read back your OP. Having a child to mend your past experiences is never a good idea. You don't even want to live with him, so why on earth have a baby with him? Enjoy yourself OP. You have 2 dc who by the sounds of it are older and don't require much parenting. This is your time now.

Don’t do it. Your set up with your DP does not sound that stable, you’re older and you’ll feel more tired and there’s no garuntee that you’ll “do it right” this time as you can’t control external factors; life just isn’t like that.
Also, it sounds like your children are still children, although older and with more independence that comes with that. Why not enjoy the kids you have? Another baby would be seriously destabilising.

Unfortunately without living together you won't know if he'll transform into a lazy slob and let you do everything in the house. If he doesn't have any young kids of his own then you also don't know how hands on he'll be with a baby with you (i.e. actually being a parent instead of a spectator).

This sounds like a broody phase more than a good idea.

I admit I don't feel broody but I do have two DC from my marriage and that ended and I have a DP

I know that ultimately I am finished having children because it wouldn't be fair on my DC and it would be for entirely the wrong reasons , dp and I see ourselves with the DC as a family unit and he feels no need to have "his" child, because he treats mine as his own

I would say question your motives DC are not a do over....the kicker for parenthood is we have to face like adults any mistakes we made ...having another and doing it differently doesn't wipe them out it's still a part of your story

My Exdh was lazy and I made mistakes but I don't expect my DC or dp to be part of "fixing" those...i just learnt from them as a person

Op I know how you feel about wanting a baby to "do it right" I feel broody and want to raise a child with both parents there.
I'm mid 30s and I'm mental counting down my biological clock. My eldest 2 are teenagers so I would be starting from scratch again and I'm not sure if I'm prepared for that.

Why not try living together for 6 months and see where you are then? Obviously I no thus is probably not as easy as it sounds.

I think you should be focusing on commitment in this new relationship before thinking about having children. Do you think you'll get married? Buy a house together? I'd be looking for serious commitment before I even contemplated having a child with him.

@LucieMorningstar it's actually pretty awesome. She's at uni now and has moved out. She's still in same town but I obviously don't see her as much and miss her. She's like a younger version of me but more sensible, I'm very proud of her

@lastnightsdinner I did have the same worries regarding adult time, travelling etc but that's kind of faded away. I don't know if that sounds weird? I know I'll still get a chance to do what I want, it might just come in a different form.

I also don't think my existing children have suffered because of baby, but them again they are older, I might have felt differently had they been 7 and 12 for example

None of this is about the actual baby.
You’ll be 60; once a potential baby is an adult.
That means you’ll have spent your entire adult like being a parent to dependent children.
I would enjoy the benefits of having grown children in your 40s and being a young grandparent.
That’s life; you cannot “redo” the bits which didn’t work out as you planned. You learn and move on.
I had my first and only child at 40. It’s knackering now I am approaching 50.

Broodiness is hard! It makes rational decision making really difficult.

But you don't mention your partners feelings. Does he want child ? Does he want to be a family ?

You are right that you will be right back a square on and you may find going through the nursery, primary years in your 40s, not at all as enjoyable as you think. I'm doing now although there wasn't a long break as I had my other children in my 30s but I do find myself envying those who are done with it all and I feel a bit odd being back with the first time mums again (lovely as they are).

You should absolutely live with them before you have a child with them. You never really know someone until you live with them.

You’d need to trial living together first and see how that worked out. I’d live together for at least two years before jumping into having a child. You don’t truly know how much of a twat someone can be until you’ve lived with them for a while.

The broodiness is common in your late thirties as a PP said and it will pass. I wouldn’t be jumping into it, the logistics of a ‘broken family’ with different fathers can get complicated.

Your title says something different to your post, OP -- have you had a child with your new DP or not?

I agree with what National says. And the broodiness will pass.

Honestly, I wouldn't. In my late 30's my DC's were basically adults and I was in a stable relationship (so I thought!). He would have liked a child and I did get broody but in hindsight I think it was more of "panic" that I knew it was my last chance and, like you, I wondered if I would regret not having a child later on. Ten years later I can tell you I don't regret it at all! The relationship broke down in the end (for other reasons) so I would have been stuck being a single mum again. I have 100% freedom now to do what I want, when I want. I travel, I go out with friends, I have loads of time for my hobbies. My money is all for me! I am so glad I didn't go ahead and have another child.

You're broody because of hormones, very likely caused by the beginnings of peri-menopause. Most of us older than you have been there.

Do you REALLY want to start all over again?

Mother Nature's a real bitch, just as you start to get your life back she inflicts a last ditch attack of broodiness. I had the same thing when I met my bloke in my early 40s. My son was 23 and it would clearly have been ridiculous. I told Mother Nature to get back in her box. If I'd listened to her I'd have a 19 year old now. I'm so very glad I haven't.

I felt very broody in late thirties, but now I am in late forties, I'm so glad I ignored it! I am gaining the benefits of having older children and don't in any shape or form wish I was parenting a younger child. You don't sound like you have the type of family life that would mean things would be easier this time around. Of course it's up to you but I just wanted to reassure you that broodiness is a normal feeling and you don't have to necessarily act on it unless you want to.