To ask for your stories where controlled crying DIDN’T work?

[BookWormsRule]

DS (18 months) has never been a great sleeper. We’ve had at best maybe 2/3 nights a week of ‘sleeping through’ to about 5am out of a 7 day week, but also many weeks where every night is unsettled.

We have 2 issues - getting him to settle down to sleep at the beginning of the night can take about 45 mins (or longer). Then he often wakes up at about 1am and might stay awake for an hour or two

We have done some sleep training, with a really lovely consultant who got us into a much more sustainable routine (no more feeding to sleep etc) but even she admits DS is a tough nut to crack and we’ve had to repeat the training a number of times already.

The one thing we haven’t done is controlled crying. I definitely am not trying to start a debate on the rights/ wrongs of it but it is something I’ve wanted to avoid where possible.

We are considering it and have some friends whom it worked very well for. However their kids have always been more chilled than DS. I’m loathe to do it if it doesn’t work and certainly don’t want to have to repeat it everytime he’s sick or teething.

I have a lot of positive stories about controlled crying so now looking for stories where it didn’t work so I feel like I have all the facts.

So AIBU to ask if controlled crying DIDN’T work for you to share your story?

Thanks so much!

So is he asleep Bookworm? Hope so!

I think it depends on the child whether it will work.

DS1 (very clingy from birth) would get absolutely hysterical if left in his cot to cry. He would go red, scream terribly, and if I left him even for 5 minutes to cry alone he would be a shivering, sobbing, hysterical mess for the next hour and a half. Other family members were pushing CC as he was a bad sleeper - so much so I started having mental health problems - but it just didn't work. Eventually at around 22 months or so he suddenly started sleeping through, nothing we did he just matured enough to do this.

Contrast DS2 - also a similarly bad sleeper at 18 months but if left alone to cry he didn't get hysterical and upset, he just got cross. The minute one went back in he would immediately stop crying and settle down again. We did a little light CC and it worked like a dream, within a couple of nights of maybe 20 minutes of crying and no upset (just crossness) he slept through.

So trust your instincts and do what is right for you and your child

I know you want stories of it not working but the fact is that if you don't employ something similar to control crying now, you're going to end up with a 4/5/6 year old who just won't go to bed!!!

This is such nonsense! We had “bad sleepers” but did not want to use controlled crying or any crying-based method. My 4yo and 6yo (who both started sleeping through around 2 of their own accord) are now the envy of my friends, as they go to bed beautifully and never get up in the night.

On the other hand, I know several people who did CC and although they had beautifully sleeping babies, now have preschoolers/school age kids who fight bedtime and get up frequently during the night to come into their parents’ beds.

Now, I’m not saying this means gentle methods will result in great-sleeping children and CC will result in resistant kids. I’m saying there are no guarantees with sleep so you need to make the choice that sits right with you, and not because someone else threatened you with dire consequences if you don’t do it “their way”.

I agree, Shameless you absolutely can't generalise with these things.

Did it a couple of times with ds2. He was a terrible sleeper.
At 10 months he'd got to the point he'd only sleep if he was in his bouncy chair being bounced so we did the gradual retreat with slowly increasing gaps of going back in to reassure him.
That time it took 3 days to work and we started getting about 5-6 hours a night from him.
Alas it all went to pot a few months later and we did try the same method again. It failed. Previously you could hear that his cry was a sort of tired and annoyed sound. At this point it was pure distress. Controlled crying just made things worse and I ended up co-sleeping with him till he was past two.
He was over three before he didn't need cuddling off to sleep.

Cc was too hardcore for me, so I used the Baby Whisperer tips for sleep with all 3 of my boys. I had the book back in the day ( 14 years ago but still used techniques with DS3 now 6) and she used to have a TV prog you might find on YouTube.

All my boys have always slept 7-7 after using her ' pick up put down' method. Think I did 60+ pick up put downs the first night with DS1, 20 the 2nd night, then 5 , then 1, then none within a week. Worked a treat with lunchtime nap too ( they all had about 2 hours 12 months - age 3). See if u can find it.

I had 2 hard buts to crack. We used Ann Caird and she had our two going to sleep (Dd2 was 19 months and Dd1 was 3.5) in 20 mins MAX and gave us tips to settle back through the night. They weren’t perfect but so much better.

We tried CC with DD2 out of sheer desperation for a few nights and also the gentle sleep solution (Andrea Grace). Both ended with everyone in tears, covered in vomit. And it just felt wrong. It went against all my instincts and I couldn’t just keep going. The girls are 3.5 and 5 now and go to bed well at 7/7.30 and sleep till 7 although they usually still come in with us in the night at 2/3.

Do what feels right, go to bed early yourself, tag team lie-ins at the weekend, have a night away if it gets on top of you, know that sleep deprivation is the worst but doesn’t last forever. Good luck!

nuts not buts

Yeah I do agree that not doing harder core sleep training means a child will never sleep. I think he’ll eventually get there but tbh my husband and I are exhausted and it’s taking its toll on each of us and our relationship.

It’s that adage - to get your baby to sleep consistently you either choose time or tears. I’m just not sure how much time we’re going to need!

I have tried sleep whisperer stuff as well ad no cry sleep solution... as far as I know he’s way too old now for PUPD?

Wittgeinsteins - my sympathies that you had 2 hard nuts but great that they’re sleeping better now!

We tried CC along with a whole bunch of other things, sleep trainer, white noise etc.

The thing about CC I found really hard is that it isn't just 2-3 nights and then it's sorted. Every time there's a sleep regression you have to do it again. And it's so upsetting.

So we did it. He improved massively. But then we had to do it again a couple of months later. And then again a few months after that. And then we couldn't do it to the poor kid anymore and let him fall asleep on us. And we were back to the beginning again!

We got there in the end. Don't really know how. A mixture of a lot of different things. He just suddenly went through. He was about 2

I tried it. It didn’t work so I did the opposite. Lots of reassurance and popping in every few minutes initially then leaving longer and longer gaps.

We tried it for a couple of weeks and gave up. I did insist we kept a diary as I knew we couldn't rely on memory alone. Reading back through it was horrible.

DS had nightmares, night terrors and eczema.
He didn't sleep through the night until he was in Y6.

As he's got older it's become more apparent that he can't switch off easily and has continued to struggle with sleep. He's offering himself up for a clinical trial.

It was hard work and I'm not entirely sure he was sleeping through the night or simply got to an age/stage where he didn't need us at night

With the younger ones I did the sleep training with the afternoon nap and never left them for more than 2 minutes. It did work but I'm not convinced it would have worked for DS.

Sleeping through is a developmental milestone just like walking, talking etc.

As much as we can encourage our children to do these things we can't make them happen.

Encouraging positive associations, good routines all help.

While you've still got teething, early illnesses, big developmental leaps going on it can be hard to get your little one to sleep if they're not that naturally inclined to.

Ours was 2 before he regularly slept through. He's a pretty reliable sleeper now and we seem to have missed the night waking, coming into our bed in night that a lot of our friends seem to be having with their 4/5yr olds.

Our daughter is 22 months old and is and always has been a bad sleeper. We tried controlled crying at around 13 months, persevered, to the letter, for 9 weeks. And she was no better, AT ALL.

We tried it once. She got herself into such a state she vomited everywhere so we had to do a huge clean up and bed change. I also found it really stressful. It felt wrong. Both of us hovered on the landing snapping at one another. I don't know how people do it tbh.

We tried PUPD when DS (now 1) was much younger. He got very upset even at that and I ended up feeling sick at the the thought of doing it again - went against all my instincts! Now I am prepared to just wait it out. Although to be fair, most nights when he wakes he has a quick feed and goes off to sleep again. We bed share and my wonderful DH has been sleeping in the spare room - gets up at 6am with him every morning and I sleep in until 8am so I never feel too exhausted the next day.

What worked for me was realising it is a developmental milestone, knowing it won’t last forever and the main one - just don’t look at the time when he does wake up! That way I’m not obsessing over how many hours he will have done etc if that makes sense.

I just kind of accepted it as my new normal so I don’t worry too much about it. Although as I say, some nights he isn’t awake for long when he does wake up so I appreciate he isn’t really as bad a sleeper as some.

Nope didn't work - he just screamed and screamed and after a few nights we didn't carry on. He wanted to be in with us and ended up falling asleep in our bed most nights right up until he was 3 or so. then we'd transfer him to his bed and he'd sleep there.

After that he naturally dropped off himself in his own bed and did the odd night where he came into the big bed. Then he slept through.

I don't regret it, he slept amazingly in his own time, and many years later still sleeps like a log for a good 9-10 hours a night (as a teen).

It sucked so much when he was very little, I remember being so tired and hating the broken sleep - but I also feel like it was worth it.

I think for some kids CC works but for others it just adds to issues.

We tried it for a few nights when DD was about 7 or 8 months but she just cried for hours; going in to soothe her just seemed to make it worse. Like leaving her again and again and again. All night. She was, and at 7 still is, a terrible sleeper. She still hates being on her own and is very alert through the night, having nightmares and getting up multiple times. Until she was old enough to really understand she's needed us to physically hold her still at various points until she fell asleep and to "talk" her to sleep more recently (like guided relaxation or something). She survives on very little sleep and somehow copes. Anyway. Controlled crying had no effect on her and wouldn't ever have done no matter how consistent or strict we were. The routine made barely any difference. She just has to find her own way to "cope" with bedtime as she gets older. DS, on the other hand, was a dream and has always slept well. Thank fuck.

DS1 was a poor sleeper - we tried CC for several weeks. It was a total disaster, l nearly went mad - just sitting and listening to him wail and wail, it was horrible. Even if he did eventually drop off l was so stressed l'd be awake for hours.
In the end l thought fuck it, he just wants company and l just want sleep - we got one of those fold out foam chairs and l'd curl up on that next to his bed. 10 minutes later he was out like a light and l'd slink off to bed. The worst that happened was l occasionally snoozed off too. He stopped needing company after a few months. With DS2 l didn't bother with it at all. If it doesn't work in a few days bin it and try something else!

It didn't work for us. There are always going to be outliers in any group. Human beings are not robots and don't all follow the same easy instructions.

I think it goes for many of the common baby issues - sleeping, eating, flexibility, fear of new things etc.

Imagine each of those different areas as a long line. At one end there are the babies who just simply don't have any issues so never need a 'solution to a problem', in the middle a big chunk of the group responds to tried and tested methods with varying success, and then at the other end of the line a few who will not easily respond to current methods.

If we are lucky we usually only struggle with one or two of the main issues. So we might have a poor sleeper but a great eater etc.

The thing to remember is if we have a baby which responds well to a certain situation not to get too cocky and smug that it's down to our super parenting skills (it might just be a coincidence and we have an easy or teachable baby in that area) - and also the reverse, if we are struggling it's not necessarily something you are doing wrong. And it might just take a lot more time than other people's kids.

Read Chireal Shallow the Gentle Sleep Solution.

My 4yo and 6yo (who both started sleeping through around 2 of their own accord) are now the envy of my friends

But this means you had two whole years of broken sleep and sleepless nights. This is pretty rubbish TBH and wouldn't make me 'envious'!

Never tried it because I instinctively knew it wouldn't work with DS. He needs the comfort and would just get horrendously distressed if left to cry. In the end I just decided to prioritise sleep and we co-sleep for most of the night. This way he sleeps for 10-11 hours unless poorly/teething etc.

My DH is in the spare room for now but with DC2 on the way and DS showing no signs just yet of being ready to sleep entirely by himself we've just ordered a super king bed and we'll just let him sleep with us until he's ready. It won't be forever is my theory!

DS is 2.4 and has never slept well so I'll take 11 hours with him in my bed over 5-6 hours of shit broken sleep for all of us when we try to force him to stay in his own bed.

I'd say just trust your gut instinct, you know your child best and do what you think will get you, DH and DS the most sleep. It doesn't have to be what you do forever. Good luck.

Sleeping through is a developmental milestone just like walking, talking etc

I also completely this agree with this. It happens when it happens.

I think there's something genetic in it too, just off the information that apparently my Dad was a horrendous sleeper and I was too by all accounts until I hit 2 and slept, bit still got up every night to get in with my parents.

I co-sleep now still, were moving soon so I'll put him to bed in his room but expect him to come get in with us in the night.