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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed and not go?

29 replies

ZoeZebra1 · 16/10/2018 12:45

Very close friend, known her all my life. She has had a hectic year with leaving her husband, meeting someone else and is now engaged. Lots gone on and I have tried very hard to support her with daily conversations, child sitting, the odd bit of financial help, taking time off work to help her move etc. Anyway, with everything that has gone on we haven't really spent any time socially together as it's all been about managing her situation for around a year now.

Last week she invited me for a drink on Fri, said we will meet first and her new bloke will join us later. All great, booked the babysitter and taxi for Friday and looking forward to seeing her.

She called last night and told me four people from her work are going to pub straight from work with her and so will be there when I arrive and she has also invited several other people she knows. Her new bloke is also bringing some friends. As she is going straight from work she warned me she would have been drinking for a couple of hours before I arrive.

I was really looking forward to a quiet catch up with just her and the idea of all these new people getting drunk together doesn't appeal and it's just not my scene.

Aibu to think she should have maybe checked with me that it is ok before asking all these people? And wibu to just cancel rather than waste my money on taxis drinks and babysitter when I am pretty sure I am not going to enjoy it?

I struggle a bit with being socially awkward and the idea of walking into a pub full of people who my friend has invited really worries me.

Also, if I cancel, should I tell a white lie to get out of it, or be up front and say actually I was hoping for a quiet drink with just you and so don't want to come now?

OP posts:

Peacockfeathers789 · 16/10/2018 12:50

Yes I would absolutely cancel. That is rude of her to invite other people without checking with you first, especially if they are not people you know.

tallulahwullah · 16/10/2018 12:55

Yes that is rude I would just back off for a bit she sounds self absorbed & not really being at all considerate for the support you have given.
I once met my friend for dinner she was bit edgy rushing her meal & chasing up the waiter for bill before i had finished my coffee.
Well it turned out she had to rush off to meet a Tinder date for 9pm so I was just some sort of a catch up chore - now it's all on m terms with her she has changed & become self absorbed always talks about herself - all very draining!

BiscuitsAndGravy · 16/10/2018 12:56

It's very rude of her and I would just be honest and tell her that it's not your scene and you aren't coming as you won't feel comfortable.

Hartleysjelly · 16/10/2018 12:58

I'd cancel too if I felt like that. You may well enjoy yourself, but if it's not your scene and something you weren't expecting then maybe not. I'd also tell her the truth that you just can't walk into a packed pub and fancied a quieter catch up time with her! If she doesn't understand that then it's her fault! Good luck.

Gottagetmoving · 16/10/2018 12:59

Yes, cancel, don't lie. Tell her exactly what you said at the end of your post but don't be huffy about it. Maybe you could add you look forward to arranging something with just the two of you at a later date and hope she has a nice time.

Whatswrongwithme1 · 16/10/2018 13:02

I hate this kind of thing, people trying to combine all their plans and probably patting themselves on the back for doing so. It's one thing being sociable and integrating friends, it's another when you haven't caught up one on one for a while. I have a friend who does similar sometimes and it really bothers me, as I feel like she's just ticking off the list that we've met up. I try not to assume the worst of people or be overly sensitive but on those situations, that's just how I feel. You would not BU for cancelling

SandAndSea · 16/10/2018 13:15

I think it's OK to say that you've got anxiety, especially given the last minute changes. I also think if you don't, this is likely to come up again. Maybe text her something along the lines of:

Sorry to cancel but I'm struggling with social anxiety at the moment so the group thing really isn't for me. Let me know when you're free so we can catch up 1-2-1.

Pinkyyy · 16/10/2018 13:16

I would also definitely cancel this, it's going to be a waste of time and money and it's not the night you wanted/planned

PersonaNonGarter · 16/10/2018 13:20

Calm down everyone. Your friend probably doesn’t want this either but is trying to balanc3 competing demands.

I think now everyone has been invited, you can’t change the situation. Either a) go and be positive or b) re-make arrangements for another evening and put yourself more in charge.

You can do b) by texting that ‘[excuse] has come up this Friday but so sorry to miss you as I had been looking forward to a catch up! How about cinema and coffee afterwards on X’

CantWaitToRetire · 16/10/2018 13:21

Sorry to cancel but I'm struggling with social anxiety at the moment so the group thing really isn't for me. Let me know when you're free so we can catch up 1-2-1

THIS!

It was very rude of her to invite hordes of extra people without checking with you first. They will all be friends/acquaintances of her and her fella, who you won't know. She won't be able to give you her undivided attention so could be quite awkward. I'd defo cancel and save my money.

Meralia · 16/10/2018 13:22

Yeah I’d cancel. Just say something like ‘sorry, I thought it was going to be a catch up just us, I’m not to great with a bunch of people I don’t know, I wouldn’t be comfortable. Maybe we can reschedule for another time?’

SugarCoatIt · 16/10/2018 13:24

I'd make your excuses, she hasn't done it by intention, so don't take it too personally, though YANBU to feel upset or disappointed.

spanishwife · 16/10/2018 13:26

Just cancel and offer an alternative time/date and stress that you want to catch up just the two (or three) of you, for the reasons you put in your OP.

Sounds like she got a better offer and thought this would be easier than cancelling your plans.

prismWitch · 16/10/2018 13:38

I would cancel it too. If you are such a close friends, she should know that you are not going to feel comfortable in the situation she is putting you in.

As person that also have social anxiety I already imagine standing in the corner with a drink, trying to blend with a wall, when your friend is playing drunken social butterfly. Not my description of fun evening :/

I would be honest with her too, say that you though it was a catchup, but this kind of event is not your thing so you will give it a miss.

Shoxfordian · 16/10/2018 13:39

I think you should go, unclench, have a few drinks and try to enjoy yourself. If she's such a good friend then why doesn't she know you don't like socialising with groups of people?

Bobaboutwhat · 16/10/2018 13:39

I hate this - when you feel safe in the knowledge that it’s a catch up with a friend and then it’s...’oh by the way, so and so is coming too, isn’t that great!’...or even ‘so and so is already here!’, it changes the dynamics completely. You have good grounds to cancel and rearrange, especially as they’ll be in full pissed up party mode already!

PersonaNonGarter · 16/10/2018 13:44

Don’t send a pass-agg text about how you need it to be 1-2-1. She can’t change it now and you will just end up looking like you want to make her feel bad. Either go or don’t but don’t try to make her feel bad about your anxiety.

Next time, you take charge of arrangements.

cleopatracomingatya · 16/10/2018 13:55

@PersonaNonGarter

i disagree, this woman invited other people OP doesn't even know before checking with her first. She's a CF and she should feel like she's been unfair in considering OP's feelings in this.

misskatamari · 16/10/2018 13:58

i'd cancel too, and go with the advice above of saying you look forward to catching up one to one soon. It's really thoughtless of your friend.

PersonaNonGarter · 16/10/2018 14:21

She's a CF and she should feel like she's been unfair in considering OP's feelings in this.

WTF? It is a friendship not an employment.

Who wants to make their friends feel bad?Someone with control issues?

The OP should go or not go. But emotional manipulation will not strengthen the friendship.

cleopatracomingatya · 16/10/2018 15:37

So she should be a doormat and not be honest about how she feels? She’s an adult who is entitled to let ‘friends’ know when they’ve pissed her off, and they should be grown up enough to accept that.

AwaAnBileYeHeid · 16/10/2018 15:49

I'd cancel. I have been in a similar situation but with a Hen do. It was mine and we had organised to go all the way to London to cocktail bars. I'd never been and was very excited. One of my friends went all the time and knew where the best bars were so was helping the MOH organise it. On the run up to the night she said that she'd invited the girls from work. And her aunt and cousin. Apparently they'd been meaning to go again for a while and this way it would "kill two birds with one stone".and that "You'll like them! They're great!"

I had to change venue and have my Hen do elsewhere. Friend didn't come because she of course, "couldn't let the girls down now it was organised."
I'm pretty shy at best so the thought of having a bunch of strangers on my special night put me right off.

OP, just cancel and reorganise for a night when she's less busy. It may be a bit PA but whatevs.

MrsClayneCrawford · 16/10/2018 16:09

YANBU.

I'm a strong believer in not making up lies to justify how you feel so I would be honest & say that you feel uncomfortable meeting all these new people, that you was hoping for a quiet catch up & maybe reschedule something for another day.

If you're not clear in your reasons for not going you'll be anxious about meeting up with her in future as she may not see it as a problem inviting other people to your catch ups. If she is a good friend she'll understand & happily see you another day just the two of you 👭

MandalaYogaTapestry · 16/10/2018 19:01

Well, i don't have social anxiety but i would be pretty disappointed too if my friend altered the plans without me. There is no need to invent a mental health condition (it would only give her something to roll her eyes about), just tell her straight: "i was looking forward to a quiet catch up just the two of us so i will give it a miss on Friday. Have a great evening and see you another time".

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 16/10/2018 19:08

I'd just be pretty pissed off that they would likely all be pissed before I got there and that is just hard work!

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