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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD going off sick when she doesn't need to. AIBU to say she can't stay at home during her shift times?

65 replies

AshleyMarie · 16/10/2018 11:04

This isn't just 1 shift. She has already self-certified for a week. Has a doctor appointment tomorrow. She has a health condition which isn't currently affecting her, but is pretending it is. I'm really annoyed at her. She says she just wants a break off of work, but don't we all!? She has holiday dates that she has already booked, so it's not like she gets no breaks from it. She doesn't get sick pay, so that's the only 'okay' thing about this. I think it's really bad for me to encourage her/approve of this and think saying she can't be at home during her shift time would be a good idea. Opinions?

OP posts:

Foreverexhausted · 16/10/2018 11:33

Wow I think you're massively over reacting.

She's 18, that's still very young. So she hasn't developed the same work ethic as you, that doesn't mean she won't in the future.

She wants a break from her job. That probably means she's not enjoying the job or maybe the environment or the people. She may have several jobs before she finds the right one for her. She may even be fired from a job.

These are all life lessons that she has to learn and she won't learn them from you, she has to learn from experience.

Let her call her in sick. Let her do it more than once. Let her deal with the meeting she will eventually have to have to explain her sickness. Let her get fired. Let her learn her own life lessons! She will be wiser and more mature for it.

Thisreallyisafarce · 16/10/2018 11:34

Is she still in full time education?

twoshedsjackson · 16/10/2018 11:35

I agree with TheOneWith and other PP's; sympathy if genuinely ill, but not a comfy doss if she is fit and well. Express enthusiasm for the convenience of her being there to take a delivery/let the boiler repair man in/help with bottoming out the guest bedroom etc. What a shame that the Wifi is playing up.......
Lightly mention in passing that "crying wolf" can backfire; what happens if her health takes a turn for the worse (I appreciate that her problem is genuine if intermittent) and employers are cynical?

Original poster

AshleyMarie · 16/10/2018 11:35

She's in college 4 days a week

OP posts:

Thisreallyisafarce · 16/10/2018 11:36

And how many shifts does she do?

Original poster

AshleyMarie · 16/10/2018 11:37

Only 2

OP posts:

CarolDanvers · 16/10/2018 11:38

My Mum used to be like this, got very aggressive if I ever took a day off. Mind your own business!

Thisreallyisafarce · 16/10/2018 11:41

To be honest, my view is this: she is still (essentially) in full-time education. She is 18 but not responsible for bills because you don't charge her rent (and can't really, as you didn't charge her brothers). It's a pocket money issue. Just don't give her any money. If she loses the job, that's her problem, isn't it?

BarbarianMum · 16/10/2018 11:43

Ok well i think if she is in ft education rather than ft work that does rather change things and Id go with the no work=no money and possibly no job approach.

EdisonLightBulb · 16/10/2018 11:44

I don't think YABU, as a parent it is our responsibility to help a child get a good work ethic. By "keeping out of it" you are inadvertently condoning her behaviour.

She may be 18 but she is also being financially supported and living under your roof.

I do take the harder approach to child rearing though, hasn't affected my two.

Annasgirl · 16/10/2018 11:44

Until your update I thought this was her full time job - so it is a pocket money job that she hates, completely different scenario. As long as she is doing well in college I would leave it alone, but I obsess over school work. Perhaps encourage her to find a different job?

FlyingMonkeys · 16/10/2018 11:44

I'd just point out you're not lending her money. Turning the Wi-Fi off when she's studying seems a bit counterproductive.

TheBigFatMermaid · 16/10/2018 11:44

So, she is actually in full time education and this is a part time job? Entirely different to the impression I got from the OP! If she takes too much time sick, she will lose her part time job! That will be a natural consequence.

Jeippinghmip · 16/10/2018 11:45

She should be paying board. Instigate that and enforce it, that will make her think twice.

Tipsylizard · 16/10/2018 11:48

So she is taking a job someone else could have and presumably is putting extra burden on her work colleagues because she fancies a bit of a break?

She is being totally unreasonable. This sort of attitude drives me up the wall. She needs to get her backside into work. Not being paid is a side issue - she still gets all the creature of comforts of home. Its this sort of casual sickness that leads employers to cut sickness benefits in the workplace which will affect people who are genuinely sick.

YANBU!

Feefeetrixabelle · 16/10/2018 11:48

Leave her too it op. It’s not her full time main job and sometimes a mental health day or duvet day does incredible things.

montenuit · 16/10/2018 11:49

Your OP sounded like she has a full time job, not contributing financially and was skiving and laying around the house instead of going to work.

Your updates show she is in full time education, has school work to do and she can't be bothered to go to her part time job (which is just pocket money) and she won't get paid for.

She clearly wants the day at home rather than the money.

Leave her to it! Just don't subsidise her when she is short of money.

Winterbella · 16/10/2018 11:51

I think its really none of your business, you can voice your opinion that you don't think its a good idea but what she chooses to do is up to her, she is an adult and needs to learn her own lessons.

Original poster

AshleyMarie · 16/10/2018 11:51

Not sure how my OP made it sound like her full time job? I personally don't think it makes a difference.

Mental health day? She's already had 2 shifts off and then going to lie to a doctor to get even longer. It's not on at all.

OP posts:

Thisreallyisafarce · 16/10/2018 11:53

Not sure how my OP made it sound like her full time job? I personally don't think it makes a difference.

Of course it makes a difference. She is still in education and not yet responsible for herself.

Kittysacunt · 16/10/2018 11:58

She may not be lying, she may have realised that you wouldn’t find her reason ‘good enough’ to be off.

Spreadingcudweed · 16/10/2018 11:59

Personally I would tell her that I didn't approve because:
(a) lying is wrong
(b) she is letting down people who are relying on her
(c) she's taken up a doc appt someone else will need
(d) she's making it difficult for others with her health condition (and perhaps herself in future should she have a genuine flare up) when they are not believed

Then I'd leave her alone to think about it, make her own decisions, and use her time as she judges fit.

And I wouldn't lie on her behalf if work happened to ring and check up on her for example.

montenuit · 16/10/2018 11:59

You were talking about shifts. You were talking about breaks off work. You were talking about her having self certified for a week already.

how on earth does that suggest a 2 shift a week job whilst she is in full time education?

Winterbella · 16/10/2018 12:02

Your OP totally makes out its a full time job, I mean she has taken a week off, is she not going to college either or is it just work?

If she is tied into some sort of training contract between the college and the employer then her qualification would be at risk. This is what I would point out.

However like I said before she is an adult and you can only point out the consequences you can't physically drag her in, I would probably also point out your expectations regarding full time employment if she was asked to leave her course though as well.

ladycarlotta · 16/10/2018 12:04

It's not OK. I have worked with people many decades older than your daughter who basically professionally game the system to work as little as possible on the basis of their health conditions. I also know (and love) many people whose chronic illnesses do force them to take chunks of time off, which for them is humiliating and stressful. The first people don't do the second people any sort of a service, and actually I'm quite disgusted by them.

Not saying that your daughter will end up like that, but it's just a really dishonourable thing to do, even for part-time shift work. I don't think you need to conceal the fact that you disdain using a legitimate illness as an excuse for not doing stuff she doesn't fancy. She does need to learn that. It's a system to be grateful for, not to abuse.

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