AIBU says he would propose.

[E5009]

First of all I’ll start by saying this is my first post so apologies, I don’t know the “lingo”.

I have a beautiful 3 month old boy with my boyfriend and since we got together we knew that one day we wanted to marry each other. Whilst I was pregnant I mentioned I didn’t want him to propose as I didn’t want to feel he would propose to me because of our son. Once our little boy arrived my heart burst with love for both our baby and my partner. So much that I asked him to marry me a month or so after I gave birth. He said no, that it was his job to ask me and he needed a ring.

Fast forwarded to why I feel so heartbroken. In a disagreement, I said he wasn’t committed enough to me or our baby to stay in and he splurted “I was going to propose whilst we were away”. On several occasions he’s mentioned proposing on our night away. He said it won’t be a surprise but he is definitely doing it. He’s even mentioned venues, so then, obviously, I’ve looked and essentially been picking things I want for a wedding.

For our birthdays our families had pretty much paid for us to go to London, and do all sorts! Since then my boyfriend says he isn’t going to propose and even told my mum he needs to feel more secure in our relationship because I’ve been so emotional lately. It has broken my heart. Being a woman, and being a catholic he knows how important and how much I’ve wanted to marry him. I just feel angry, heart broken and embarrassed that I’d built so much excitement up in my mind. It feels like I was going to have everything and now our relationship needs to start from scratch. And this only happened this weekend.

Next weekend I’m supposed to be going to London and I am dreading it. I feel so low and so upset I feel like I don’t want to go. I will be far away from my baby and will have to come to terms I’ll be coming back with a boyfriend not a fiancé.

Am I being stupid here? And should I get over this? I’m not sure if it’s my hormones and starting birth control and periods again. I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling like this but I feel utterly broken. I am honestly looking for advice even if it is brutal.

I read some very good advice to not make any big decisions for a year after your baby is born. Just try to stay calm and put the proposal out of your mind. After a few months then decide what you want to to going forward.

Since then my boyfriend says he isn’t going to propose and even told my mum he needs to feel more secure in our relationship because I’ve been so emotional lately

^^

Don't like this one jot.

Emotional? Hum, I wonder why 🤔

If you have a child together and are not married you both need to make wills.

It sounds like he is freaking out, which is a bit immature considering all the responsibilities he now has. It may just be a reaction to the pressure he feels is being placed on him...

You REALLY don't want to marry someone who does not really want to marry you. Because you will end up feeling very trapped, unhappy and probably divorced.

Don't talk to him about marriage again. Don't even mention it. (Don't tell him you are not going to mention it either!). Don't get upset if he continues to not ask you. Just continue with your lives and see how things pan out. Then if he asks you, at least you will know that he did it because he really wanted to, not because you whinged and begged or pressurised him (because if you marry you would always be wondering if he felt forced).

Make sure you don't become completely dependent on him - keep your job or get a part-time job. If he does not ask you, you will soon see signs that he is not very interested in other ways. If it fizzles out, then it would be for the best.

Please don't become one of those women who whinge and try to coerce their partners into marriage. I've had a few friends that have, and it does not lead to happiness.

How old are you both?
He sounds immature really. Surely to be old enough to have a baby you both have the maturity to realise marriage isn't about a proposal and him deciding if you get married. I'm sorry op but it sounds like he has no intention of marrying you.

Me and my dh got married after having our dc. We had a chat one day about how we both felt marriage was important to us and then arranged a wedding day ( It hadn't been important before then and we hadn't intended to ever get married but that change). The important part was the being married bit and definitely not who proposed.
Rather than living separately and being heartbroken you need to sit down and have a meaningful conversation about the future of your relationship and what both of you want for the future. He needs to be clear about if he does want a marriage and then you decide if it's a deal breaker for you. Now good will come of both being stroppy or heartbroken, you need to communicate.

*no good

I re-read your orginal post and I was wondering, are you and your boyfriend quite young? It just that you mentioned you live separetly and your families paid for your trip away. It just strikes me as something a really young couple would do. There is nothing wrong with that, but it could change the perspective on the whole situation. How long were you together if you don't mind me asking?

It is hard to give you any advice without this information, however even without it, I do agree with other posters that it is better to stop asking about proposal and give yourself some time. I remember I really wasn't myself until baby was 1,5 years old and then one day it just felt like a fog has lifted and I was me again.

Not saying that you are hormonal, unreasonable or anything like this, but I do think it is better to wait and estimate if YOU want to be with him in a first place.

If the way he behaves towards you and your baby is ok with you and do you see future with this person. If the anwser is still yes, after reasonable time has passed (6-12 months), and he didn't propose, have a calm converstaion with him and tell him that you cannot be with him if you are not married. Remember it cannot be an empty threat, but a statment that you will fullfil if he is still not ready to propose.

If marriage is important to you and your boyfriend doesn't want to get married, you need to part ways, or resentment will keep on growing.

I think it will happen. I think the issue is you’ll know that you pressurised him into it so it won’t be as happy as you expect, but I think your situation is hugely common actually

You’ve had a lot of change recently, it’s no wonder you’re both unsettled

It sounds like he has no intention of proposing but is using the ‘I might propose if you’re a good girl and do x,y, z and behave in the way I want you to’ to have power and control over you.

If he wanted to propose he would do so not hold it over you.

I think you need to back off and develop a life away from him, see what life is like without this emotional rollercoaster he has you on. Obviously stay on decent terms due to baby but take some space away from him.

A decent partner would want you to feel loved and secure. They may sit you down and explain they don’t want to be pressured and want it to be a surprise but they would be reasonable with telling you time frames and wouldn’t be dragging it out.

If he doesn’t feel ready to get married 1, he shouldn’t have had a baby with you and 2, he should clearly tell you that he isn’t ready to propose so won’t be doing so and has no plans to for the foreseeable. You would then need to decided if you are happy to live with him without getting married and let the marriage idea go.

I don’t know why posters are saying he wont propose- clearly they have no idea. I’ve seen loads of friends turn around anti marriage men, especially when babies arrive. as I say though, it’s whether you want a forced proposal, it’s not very reassuring.

He's no more going to propose than walk to the moon. Get rid of the useless bugger.

If he is freaking out and feels really pressured, then sitting in down to have a frank discussion about the future, in the emotional state your are in, is really NOT good advice IMO. Just try taking the pressure off a bit. Don't mention it, get on with looking after your baby and give him a chance to feel that he is enjoying the new baby without feeling pressured. He may just naturally come round.

You both sound young and immature - how long were you together before the baby?
I think you both need to wise up and have a frank and open discussion on your future - be that together or apart.

How old are you and how long were you together before baby came along?

I think sitting him down and having a frank discussion is only going to pile more pressure on. Back off a little, focus on you and the baby and making your relationship less rocky. Have a timeframe in your mind but don't tell him. Then if he hasn't proposed by then you can reevaluate whether you really want to stay with him or if you'd be better parting ways

Hi op,congratulations on your little boy.
You've received some fantastic advice from pp(previous posters😊🌼)so there isn't much I can add but didn't want to read and run.
For what it's worth,you sound totally in love with your baby and very emotional about your bf (boyfriend).
There is nothing to be gained from rushing into or pushing for,a marriage.
With all due respect,continue to concentrate on you,your baby and your future .As mother and son.
Ensure your future is secure and,boyfriend aside,think about what YOU want to do with YOUR life.
Don't wait for anyone to 'make it better' don't concentrate on whether a proposal is forthcoming.
Be happy for you.take a step back from thinking about weddings.
When your head is clearer and you have had some space from your bf,you might be very surprised with what you conclude you actually do want in your future.
Wishing you and your little not every happiness

Boy,not not!sorry!

He is never going to marry you

In one of your updates it sounds like your relationship isn’t going well if he’s only coming occasionally to see the baby. In that situation why would someone want to propose to their partner.
If I’m wrong and you’re relationship is ok, then just leave it for 6-9 months and concentrate on being a family, relationships are hard work when your kids are small. As a PP said, set yourself a timeline without telling him but until then enjoy life and make sure you have time for you, not just baby or your partner.

Has your partner actually mentioned getting married at any point or have you always assumed you would because you are in love? It's just that the inference is your DC was unplanned, and you make a point of telling your partner that you don't expect a proposal just because you were having a child together. You then seem to do a complete 180, and start pushing for a proposal. Are you sure that he was wanting to propose in the first place, and now feels like he's been rushed into doing something he either had no intention of doing or wanted to do in his own time.

He doesn’t seem that intobyou, and seems that had the baby not come along, then your relationship would have been over.

Also, you can’t use being catholic as a reason to marry, not when you’ve had a baby first!