AIBU says he would propose.

[E5009]

First of all I’ll start by saying this is my first post so apologies, I don’t know the “lingo”.

I have a beautiful 3 month old boy with my boyfriend and since we got together we knew that one day we wanted to marry each other. Whilst I was pregnant I mentioned I didn’t want him to propose as I didn’t want to feel he would propose to me because of our son. Once our little boy arrived my heart burst with love for both our baby and my partner. So much that I asked him to marry me a month or so after I gave birth. He said no, that it was his job to ask me and he needed a ring.

Fast forwarded to why I feel so heartbroken. In a disagreement, I said he wasn’t committed enough to me or our baby to stay in and he splurted “I was going to propose whilst we were away”. On several occasions he’s mentioned proposing on our night away. He said it won’t be a surprise but he is definitely doing it. He’s even mentioned venues, so then, obviously, I’ve looked and essentially been picking things I want for a wedding.

For our birthdays our families had pretty much paid for us to go to London, and do all sorts! Since then my boyfriend says he isn’t going to propose and even told my mum he needs to feel more secure in our relationship because I’ve been so emotional lately. It has broken my heart. Being a woman, and being a catholic he knows how important and how much I’ve wanted to marry him. I just feel angry, heart broken and embarrassed that I’d built so much excitement up in my mind. It feels like I was going to have everything and now our relationship needs to start from scratch. And this only happened this weekend.

Next weekend I’m supposed to be going to London and I am dreading it. I feel so low and so upset I feel like I don’t want to go. I will be far away from my baby and will have to come to terms I’ll be coming back with a boyfriend not a fiancé.

Am I being stupid here? And should I get over this? I’m not sure if it’s my hormones and starting birth control and periods again. I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling like this but I feel utterly broken. I am honestly looking for advice even if it is brutal.

I think YABU. You describe yourself as "a woman and a catholic" as a reason for why it's important to you. I would never have said that marriage is important for me on gender and religious grounds, I would have said it is important to me in terms of my relationship. So for me, you have traditional and not entirely obvious reasons for marriage, but then you propose to him, which is not at all traditional, and he responds frankly oddly and a little childishly in my view, but wanting take the traditional role. I don't get it.

And I don't think he really wants to marry you.

He's not going to marry you.

I read the OP, and that was my first thought, he's using all sorts of excuses why he's not proposed.

I'd dump him, enjoy life with your little one and hope to meet someone who does want to marry you.

hmmm i'm a bit on the fence.

The OP said she didn't want him to propose when she was pregnant.
Then the OP proposed to him after the birth - and her bf said he wanted to propose.
now he feels a ton of pressure to propose at a pre-arranged time/place.

It's all a bit unromantic isn't it?

I'd not mention it again. Try and get your relationship back on track. Give yourself a deadline, say Easter. If he hasn't proposed by then then leave, he's a time waster.

I had exactly this with my ex. Waited 3 years for him. One day I snapped and broke up with him because I knew he didn’t really want me.

Now I’m with the love of my life, who adores me and we’re getting married next year. I’am so so glad I didn’t keep waiting

You have a 3 months old baby, i.e. you are probably getting no sleep, your body is going through hormonal changes, you must be dying with fatigue.
There may be superwomen who browse through the first weeks and months of their baby's life with total ease but most women I know are knackered.
Don't push it. Look after your health first. Could you have PND? Or simply need a bit of help with your baby? Does he provide support for your little one?

Yup, I had similar situation with my exh. We planned our baby, the I wanted to marry him. He just wouldn't because of his exw. I eventually said "so I'm good enough to breed with but not good enough to marry?"
He had no argument for that. We got married, then it all went tits up!! Good luck whatever happens!

"he's not going to propose.

he is just going to keep saying he will so you behave like a good girl and don't mention it. he will just use it to stay in control

(speaking from experience)"

Plus one to that, same experience here, it was always "next year or the year after" One time he claimed that we could not get married that particular year as he had audits at work, his jobs involved his company having audits five to six times a year, every year (food manufacturing standard) Set a time limit for yourself, no need to tell him, enjoy your time with your lo and get back to work and financially secure, you may have to go this alone, he does not seem serious and marriage is not a reward for being a "good girl".

Whilst I think other PP are correct in that he doesn't really want to marry you, I think you are also making a huge deal of the proposal - you seem to have some perfect idea of how and when, and realistically that's impossible for anyone, and certainly isn't going to happen here.

Are you living apart because the relationship is rocky? It sounds as if the last thing you should do right now is get engaged anyway, even if he does end up getting pressured into proposing.

I actually left my partner of 2yrs and DS’s Dad because of this. Being engaged/married eventually is really important to me and it’s a dealbreaker. He spent 2yrs leading me on that one day he would eventually propose

We went to his cousins wedding and all his family were hinting that I/we were next.. I thought he had told them something I didn’t know, I was so excited

The next day I was giddy and talking to him when I hinted at engagement he replied “listen I’m never going to propose I just don’t see the point in marriage”, i was really heartbroken and he thought I wouldn’t mind

I broke up with him and we lived together with the baby for months until he moved out. I’m glad it happened though because I feel like I would’ve been miserable if we had stayed together

I made sure my current DP knew when we met that no marriage = no lifelong commitment with me

"being a woman?"..er what?? being a catholic?am not big on religion-but youve went arse about tits with that line...if you are destined forever-calm the hell down.theres no deadline-youre creating fuckery where theres none.the first year after a babe is a funny time. the more you play on his emotion the further away you'll land.go london-with a view to having a break/rest/fun...take the pressure of him and yourself.wee bit que sera sera..maybe?x

It was really mean of him to use you as an excuse by saying to your mother he wasn't going to propose because of your emotional state. What a load of rubbish that is. How dare he. He was just trying to look good in front of her. Hope she can see through that.
Go to London and have a great time. Your baby will be well looked after. It's tough being away from them, but look on it as an opportunity to be yourself again for a little while.

He doesn't sound like a man who wants to marry you. If you're a Catholic and it's important then why did you have a baby first? Don't think you're getting too far with that argument

The OP said she didn't want him to propose when she was pregnant.
Then the OP proposed to him after the birth - and her bf said he wanted to propose. now he feels a ton of pressure to propose at a pre-arranged time/place. It's all a bit unromantic isn't it? I'd not mention it again. Try and get your relationship back on track. Give yourself a deadline, say Easter. If he hasn't proposed by then then leave, he's a time waster

This

Hmmmm - I'm torn on this one.

I see what other posters are saying that basically he is keeping you dangling and he will never propose etc and I know exactly how that feels because people used to say it to me about my then BF all the time.

We were together for 9 years, living together for 8 of those and he still hadn't proposed. I had decided that it was a dealbreaker for me but actually felt like I couldn't get anybody as good as him but after 9 years I was feeling pretty desperate.

Every now and again over the years he would show me engagement rings and often we would row about whether or not we were getting married - he would always say "someday" or more often "I have never said I won't marry you".

Then all of a sudden after 9 and a half years he was suddenly in that place and ran out purchased a ring and proposed with it on the way home - he even came into my work to do it - he couldn't wait.

I thought I was in for a long engagement but no, 5 months later we were married.

Been married more than 10 years now and still going strong.

I don't know what it was with him - he just took a while to get in "that place".

Personally I am glad I waited and feel he was worth the wait but I am fully aware that hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Sending you hugs OP.

Well I hope you didn't give the baby his surname... hope the baby has your name.

The OP said she didn't want him to propose when she was pregnant.
Then the OP proposed to him after the birth - and her bf said he wanted to propose. now he feels a ton of pressure to propose at a pre-arranged time/place. It's all a bit unromantic isn't it?
This ^^. You didn't want him to propose so he didn't. Then you propose but he wants to be the one proposing to you - fair enough, some people like that and there's still enough pressure from society that he might get some funny looks and comments if you're engaged because you asked him (there shouldn't be but it still happens). And now you're putting pressure on him to ask you. Talk about sucking the romance out of it. You've just had a child with him and that should say something.
And don't bring being Catholic into it as a reason for getting married - if that meant so much to you, you'd have got married before getting pregnant!

As usual we have a plethora of women assuming the worst about a man.

'Emotional blackmail' and 'Lying to you'... really.

As though someone isn't entitled to put a hold on a lifelong decision because of a series of blazing rows and arguments?

It sounds like the baby has put pressure on the relationship. This is 100% normal. You're both tired. You're hormonal. It's natural that sparks would fly more during this time than any other point previously.

I wouldn't take that as a damning indictment of your relationship or your partner.

Take you time, relax, try to have less confrontational and highly charged arguments - stay calm, be rational, and don't say anything you'll regret. Keep loving each other, keep reminding each other of the things you do, say thank you for even tiny little things, and really mean it.

Then, after a little bit, once you've both had a chance to regroup, maybe have a tentative discussion about the future. This stuff happens, don't panic.

He sounds like a right knob.

Hi OP. The part I don’t understand is why you told him not to propose while you were pregnant. Why was this? Surely that’s a fairly appropriate time - if not before .

Maybe you asking him has freaked him out? He may be using the “I should do the asking” as a control thing, or maybe he’s just traditional - I wouldn’t know. However, life changes dramatically after a baby. It puts unforeseen levels of pressure on you both. Your focus will have changed. Maybe you appear more needy / emotional (perfectly understandably)! Maybe he can’t handle the whole thing and is struggling?

Anyway the whole situation sounds ridiculous tbh. You have asked him to marry you. You have had his baby fgs! If he is, in fact, committed to you he knows full well what he needs to do. Blaming your emotional state is very poor form and nothing more than a stalling tactic. He needs to man up himself and stop using it against you.

Don’t mention proposals again. Go to London if you must, but let him do the talking. Act indifferently towards him and focus in your child. Either he will come round or he won’t, but leave him to show his true colours. Hope it all works out.

How long were you together before the baby came?

I don't know why all the drama about a proposal and who asks who. Can't you just sit down and have a grown up conversation about this with the aim of knowing EXACTLY where you stand afterwards. ie, Either he's agreed to marry you and when you'll be getting the engagement ring and setting the date for, or you know he won't be marrying you. No more beating about the bush.

Find this all a bit bizarre to be honest.
Where is the surprise and romance in a proposal if it has been discussed beforehand - ie. when it is going to happen etc.?

Either you surprise your partner with a proposal out of the blue or you have discussed getting married as a couple and then if you have decided you want to marry, the proposal is unnecessary.

I think you need to forget about it and concentrate on your baby and your relationship with your boyfriend. You'll then know if you want to stay with him and if he is stringing you along you'll find that out too.

It's all far too much drama.

You have a child and he sees that as less of a commitment than a piece of paper would be. That is a massive problem.

He doesn’t want to marry you. He isn’t committed to you. He’s actually said he doesn’t feel secure in your relationship. He’s made you upset and now he’s blaming you being upset for causing him not to want to marry you.

Sorry but he has no intention of marrying you. He’s making excuses and will continue to do so. If a child doesn’t make him feel committed then nothing will. I’d cut my losses with this idiot and tell him to get on his bike.

Here we go again, another one with the ha'penny and the gingerbread. Good enough to be a mother but not a wife? Give me a break.

So sick of seeing threads like this, there was one a couple of weeks ago, the poor woman was like a sodding donkey with a carrot.

He needs to piss or get off the sodding pot.