AIBU to have expected more of myself on mat leave?

[DancingDownRain]

NC for this but not a regular poster anyway, just so ashamed of how I feel/am.

I've been on mat leave now for 9 months and haven't made a single mum friend. I've tried Mush, Facebook and Meet Ups, and I've been to 4 mum & baby groups per week since my DS was 4 weeks. I make small talk. I smile and say hello. I strike up conversations. I let it drop that we're going to the park after the class, hint hint. Written down, that sounds like I come on too strong but I don't think I do because I'm self conscious about it. I try to not be too over friendly and not be too aloof. I have PND but well managed. I've always found it straightforward to make friends at work etc. I have lovely non-mum friends, family and a lovely DP. Basically, I think I conduct myself like a regular adult in social situations. But is my awkwardness around this issue beaming off me and putting people off?

I just cannot crack the mum friend bit.

We even moved to a new area when my DS was 2 months because we wanted to live in a family friendly suburb rather than a major city centre. But it seems like everyone has known each other for years, is related, works together, etc etc. No one is unpleasant at all. It just seems very closed off. But maybe it's me. I'm starting to think so. It's not a nice thought but there it is. I can't blame the rest of the world.

So, as my mat leave comes to an end and I look back on the largely wonderful time I've had with my first born, my AIBU is: were my dreams of a mat leave filled with coffee &cake mate dates with a newly formed gaggle of mum friends too ambitious? Am I the only woman on the planet to have not made a single mum friend on mat leave?!

P.S. am I also unreasonable to cry about this situation every day...?

[HamishTheTalkingCactus]

oh and I tried netmums meet a mum board - absolute disaster, any attempts at meetups fell through

[DwayneDibbly]

That's what worried me the most, that the baby would miss out on having little mates, but I decided they won't give a crap until they get to school & I had to stop giving myself a guilt trip about it because it was part of my PND and it was making me miserable.

[prettygirlincrimsonrose]

Sorry you're feeling upset about it OP. I think there can be an idealised image of maternity leave that can make the reality feel disappointing. I had some lovely days when I met up with NCT group in a pub or café but the rest of the time I had a very similar experience (including moving house when DS was around 2 months). Had lots of perfectly nice conversations at baby groups but didn't make any friends and felt really rubbish about it. Now I'm back at work it doesn't bother me as much, and hopefully you'll feel better too, especially if you get on well with people at work.

[sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch]

Hi OP. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's not you at all.

I am off on my first maternity leave at the minute. I too had an idealistic view that I would be meeting other mums for coffee and cake regularly.

I put pressure on myself to go to groups when baby was newborn. Now that I look back I don't know what I was thinking. I was exhausted!!

Decided to try to find a balance.

Now I try to do two classes with baby per week plus DH takes baby to swim class on Saturdays.

I feel so much happier. To be honest, although I enjoy other people's company I just do not have much energy for small talk at the minute. I chat to other mums at groups and I really like them. But that's as far as it goes. One recently invited me to a coffee meet up with other mums and I made an excuse to not go.

I have two other friends (DHs friends partners) who are off on maternity Ieave also. We talked all through our pregnancies about the things we would do together on maternity leave. Guess what? We have met up three times! Everyone is just so busy and tired.

So please don't take it personally that other mums don't seem to want to meet up. Enjoy your baby. It is okay to have a pj day or two every week. We'll be back at work before we know it. xx

[GreenMeerkat]

I've had two lots of maternity leave and only just started making 'mum' friends now my eldest is at school. I still find it difficult due to social anxiety but getting there.

[GreenMeerkat]

I'm in Manchester aswell OP, about to start maternity leave #3

[MrsGB2225]

Shame about NCT.
Have you ever asked anyone if they want to go for a coffee after a class?
I’ve asked loads of mums to swap numbers and no one has ever said no and tbh if they did say no I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone that rude.

[MinisterforCheekyFuckery]

Don't take it personally when you go back to work you wont have time to maintain any of those relationships anyway

This. I made a few Mum friends on Mat leave but as soon as I went back to work the friendships fizzled out. I was busy with work all week and on weekends I needed to prioritise spending time with DC and DH, catching up on life admin, house stuff etc.

It's also worth keeping in mind that you can still feel very lonely in a group. One of my friends from work did NCT and still meets up with the group regularly and it just seems to stress her out. There seems to be a lot of comparing and competing that goes on, whose baby is sleeping through, more advanced etc and it makes her doubt her parenting. You may well be better off out of it!

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

I didn't either. I ended up having around with a girl frm work who had a baby at the same time, the wife of one of my husbands friends who had a baby just after me and my family. It's hard when everyone seems to know each other already. My nct group just didn't click together, I joined another one the second time and although they clicked a lot better everyone is just too busy to ever meet up. I think people do a lot of groups now and they get the interaction out of that and don't really think about meeting friends one on one outside the groups. I know a lot of people who got on well with their nct group but they all drifted apart when they went back to work anyway

[TotHappy]

I didn't make any. Not bothered though. Went to a few groups but irregularly sand always late 😀 because my baby schedule didn't fit the typical one... I had some pleasant chats with people, I mean I wanted to get to the stage where the faces were familiar and things were friendly, but I didn't want any other commitments. I've got enough friends - hardly enough time for them as it is. Me and baby just did everything together and while my (childless) sister keeps stressing out that she needs socialisation, she is in fact fine. She was enough for me and I was for her. So don't worry about that.
I'm really sorry about your own loneliness though - I had my mum for company and to some extent sisters and old, childless friends. I imagine it's tough to be alone.

[CatsCatsCats11]

The best thing I did was throw DD a first birthday party in a hall and invited all the mums I had met from playgroups. Really helped forge some friendships.

[sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch]

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery totally agree re:comparing and competing. There is a limit to how much of this I can put up with.

I have a colleague who is single, no children. She calls occasionally for a coffee. She apologises for talking about her online dating escapades and such. I thoroughly enjoy her chat. She is a breath of fresh air. I realise when she leaves that I am sick to death of talking about babys.

Not saying there is anything wrong with that btw. I am guilty of it myself as I don't really have much else to talk about at the minute and DS is my life at the minute anyway. Just trying to explain why and how a couple of baby groups a week is probably enough socialising with other mothers (for some people)

[Limpshade]

You go to 4 groups a week?!

--Misses point of thread
--
Seriously, I don't think you need to worry about it. I'm on mat leave 2 now and still don't have any mum friends. But my elder daughter still has "friends" herself (as much as a just-turned-2-year-old can have friends) through her preschool. When it was her birthday we invited her classmates to a little party, and four or five of them came, which was nice. She still gets to be sociable through that.

[BackIntoTheSun]

I'm the same. I go to a couple of groups when Im not too sleep deprived and make a bit of awkward small talk and sit there feeling like a twat as everyone around me chats to their mates. I only keep going for DD who is 13months now and gets bored at home

[coatsandats]

I didn't really either.... although I didn't have the high hopes that you had, I did assume I'd make more friends than I did in reality.

However, looking back I can see that everyone was consumed with the matter of looking after their babies. People were friendly enough in the moment but I just don't think there was a lot of spare "headspace" for spending lots of time with other new friends. I think the chats at the baby group were "it" as far as socialising went, rather than - to use your example - the park afterwards as well

It's easier now the children are older.

[perfectionistchaos]

Nervous to recommend this but have you thought about volunteering for the NCT? Most committees are friendly and desperate for help - it's like the PTA suggestion, but several years earlier.

[sar302]

Doesn't sound to me like you're coming on too strong - sounds to me like maybe you haven't been coming on strong enough!

"We might go home via the park", is conversation. "Would you like to go for a coffee on Friday?", is what you need.

I find it horrific and cringey every time  It feels like asking someone out on a date! I misjudged it once and it was a bit awkward, but that's what needs to be done.
I also moved towns when my baby was about 5 months, and left NCT friends and family behind. So I feel your pain!

Be bold, make the first move. It only takes 1 in each class and you've got a group xx

[flowery]

"I let it drop that we're going to the park after the class, hint hint. "

I wouldn't pick up that hint at all. If I met someone and they said they were going to the park, I wouldn't dream of inviting myself along. I would think it incredibly presumptuous of me to think that meant they wanted me to come too, and I would need it spelling out!

[FlapAttack23]

I had loads with my first...from.antenatal classes andpregnancy yoga then baby yoga and sure start classes. Lots of meets ups lots of coffee.shops..exsctly as you describe.

Baby 2 none.. and it's so much better to be honest.. those relationships were functional only really.. is only one I've maintained and that's as her daughter goes to same school as mine.

Was so much happier 2nd maternity leave not having my ears chewed off about best way to do x y or z. To just revolve around baby and do things I liked doing with him.like walks and swimming and aquariums.

So yanbu but you aren't missing out I dont think. Is nice to have some other friends with similarge aged kids and you will siniamtill. nd those at kids parties and sxhool...swim Classes etc so don't give up.just yet

[happyrayoflight]

I think actually under a year unless you have an amazingly chilled baby then the majority of little ones just can't manage prolonged activities or multiple activities all at once.

I've made mum friends now my DS is 2. I'm in a new area which I would say is pretty conservative. Some of these mums I've been seeing at groups for over a year before we met up. It's hard though as everyone's child's schedules are different and nap conflicts etc. My child is a random sleeper.

Plus I have pets which get stressed with little visitors. I also feel under a lot of pressure to clean the house for visitors. We are very clean tidy but having pets is more pressure.

Actually one person said they didn't want to come to my house when invited as I have a dog. I did explain I'd shut the dog away from the kids in a bedroom ( dog would prefer this ) but they declined due to dog issue. I think some people just don't want to feel obligated have you back to theirs.

I find meeting on neutral ground easier but usually my DS is in the corner to the the person I'm meeting with

[DancingDownRain]

Guess what, guess what, guess what! I only flipping got asked to join 3 other mums for coffee & cake for the first time ever after today's play group! It was so nice! So many exclamation points! Seriously though, it was lovely and we all agreed to do it again in a couple of weeks. Who knows if it will be a regular thing or how long we'll keep it up as we're all going back to work and stuff soon, but, yeah, it finally happened, even if it was just once. I think I must have been giving off some special vibes today after all of your lovely messages on this thread!

[Highpeak]

I went to a few baby groups but the main friends I have made are through a walking group. I suppose it helps that we have a love of the outdoors and walking in common

[whymewhyme]

I had the same thoughts you had about may leave but it didn't happen for me, I didn't make one mate at mum groups and I stopped going, just not my thing at all.

[DancingDownRain]

hello, if anyone is searching for this subject and feels how I did 2 years ago, I have an update. I carried on as I was, being myself and being personable. And I did it. I made a little group of wonderful mum friends. Our boys and girls celebrate milestones together and I cannot believe how lucky I am. Please continue to be yourself and plough your own furrow. You WILL meet your people, whether it's via online or baby groups. You've got this, mama ❤