AIBU to have expected more of myself on mat leave?

[DancingDownRain]

NC for this but not a regular poster anyway, just so ashamed of how I feel/am.

I've been on mat leave now for 9 months and haven't made a single mum friend. I've tried Mush, Facebook and Meet Ups, and I've been to 4 mum & baby groups per week since my DS was 4 weeks. I make small talk. I smile and say hello. I strike up conversations. I let it drop that we're going to the park after the class, hint hint. Written down, that sounds like I come on too strong but I don't think I do because I'm self conscious about it. I try to not be too over friendly and not be too aloof. I have PND but well managed. I've always found it straightforward to make friends at work etc. I have lovely non-mum friends, family and a lovely DP. Basically, I think I conduct myself like a regular adult in social situations. But is my awkwardness around this issue beaming off me and putting people off?

I just cannot crack the mum friend bit.

We even moved to a new area when my DS was 2 months because we wanted to live in a family friendly suburb rather than a major city centre. But it seems like everyone has known each other for years, is related, works together, etc etc. No one is unpleasant at all. It just seems very closed off. But maybe it's me. I'm starting to think so. It's not a nice thought but there it is. I can't blame the rest of the world.

So, as my mat leave comes to an end and I look back on the largely wonderful time I've had with my first born, my AIBU is: were my dreams of a mat leave filled with coffee &cake mate dates with a newly formed gaggle of mum friends too ambitious? Am I the only woman on the planet to have not made a single mum friend on mat leave?!

P.S. am I also unreasonable to cry about this situation every day...?

[SuperGekkoMuscles]

I’ve found that I didn’t make mum friends until my children started school.

[SailAwayWithMeHuni]

The first baby group I went to, I wanted to cry it was so isolating.

The second thing we did was baby massage and I asked a girl from work I hardly knew if she wanted to join. There was a restaurant at that venue so me and work friend were going to have lunch after. The class was quite small so, out of character for me, I decided I had the upper hand to be confident and said we’re going for lunch if you’d like to join. We’ve met up every week since and it’s been about 6months.

It’s not too late, you just need to be confident and invite people along. Could you do something similar to me? That way if they don’t want to come it doesn’t really matter. If I hadn’t had the confidence that day to invite them along, it would never have happened.

Perhaps you can let us know where you live and anyone in the local area and a similar situation could contact you if they would like to meet up?

[HellenaHandbasket]

I didn't make any 'mum friends'. I have some old friends from pre kids, a fee from home ed groups, school etc. But I will never be the queen bee, or social butterfly. I lead a happy and full life though

[Teaformeplease]

Hints don't work much. Ask if anyone wants to meet for a cuppa, park date, soft play, etc. Become the organiser and suggest meet ups. Take the risk and put yourself out there. Many people feel just like you and would love someone to take the initiative.

[sourpatchkid]

I made loads (ok, quite a few) and I've only seen one of them since they all returned to work after maternity leave. It's so hard but I'm not sure maternity leave is where you make your life long mum friends - I think they come in playground and once proper play dates happen.

I'm sorry it's so hard. You sound really lovely though 😊

[tigerlionness]

6yo DD here and still trying to no avail!!! Knowing it's common is a bit more helpful though... X

[nowifi]

I made a few but as soon as everyone went back to work I never saw them again! I think it's quite common OP.

[Ginger1982]

I thought I was doing quite well. Made about 6 friends through a baby class. Then they all went back to work and I've become a FTM. I find I'm the one constantly pushing to arrange meet ups. I think we'll stay friends but I'm hoping to make more mum friends as DS gets older.

[YouBetterWORK]

I'm due back at work next month, I didn't crack it either. I also made a post at the time about never getting past polite chat. Made some facebook friends and a few I have a bit in common with so easier to chat with, and that's about it. I was lucky in that one existing friend had a baby 10 weeks after me. Not too bothered now though about having a gaggle of mum mates, there's nursery and school etc all to come.

Did NCT but we only message or meet very sporadically.

[Kahlua4me]

I made one friend through baby groups although that fizzled out as soon as she returned to work.

However I made some really good friends once dc started school and those friendships have lasted.

[sourpatchkid]

Oh and I should say the reason I made temporary mum friends is because the woman who ran the group was so good at facilitating us- she pretty much forced us to go for coffee with each other every week

[strugglingpuggle]

I made one friend while on maternity leave that I met through a baby group. Well we went for cake once and round to each others houses a few times. I thought there would be more & cake afternoons and play dates.

As soon as I went back to work, I never heard from them again.

I have however become very close friends with some of the other mum's from nursery. We have similar interests as we're usually all rushing from drop off to work and all dealing with the mum guilt of being in a rush and working!

[ladyflower23]

I made friends through NCT when pregnant with my first. Went to a few baby groups with both my first and second and didn't manage to make any friends! Have since made friends through childminders, preschool and now school. Keep faith you will make mum friends one day

[PurpleMac]

Mum friends are overrated. Friendship requires more than having the fact you both have a baby in common. The only mum friends I have made through becoming a mum, are the ones I met in my adoption prep groups. And even then it's only the ones I really hit it off with, who I would have been friends with regardless.

[MustStopSnacking28]

I am so glad I’m not the only one who feels this way. I have also found some of the other mums a bit cliquey and don’t know how to take the ‘next step’ to arrange meet ups. I’m in Manchester if anyone else is looking for mum friends

[DwayneDibbly]

I haven't. My DC is 7 months old and my DP kept insisting I should join mother and baby groups but whilst I wanted the baby to meet other babies it's not like they were going to make a friend for life there, and honestly without sounding like a stuck up cow I knew some of the people in these groups (I live in a relatively small town); I knew I had nothing in common with them. Don't get me wrong, I was having a coffee with my non-mummy mate the other day and a pile of mummies cake in together: that did make me slightly wistful, and having had PND it probably would've been good having other mothers to bounce ideas off. Don't feel bad OP. You've enjoyed maternity leave with your little one and that's the really important thing.

[Iwantaunicorn]

I haven’t either, my DTs are 8 months old, and whilst I’ve tried to go to groups and stuff, I’ve found the other mums are cliquey and I feel like they stare at me (part in my head, part they actually do!). I’ve come out of groups and cried before now, so have just stopped going to most of them. I’m still hopeful I’ll meet some...

[Mamamadecookies]

8 years on and I think I've come to the conclusion it isn't going to happen.

Most people were nice enough but somehow there were already friendships. I've no idea how or when they happened but by the time I came on the scene most people seemed to already have their friend quotas full.

I thought I'd made a few but realised it's always me who texts first. Then last month I found out one of the people I thought was a friend had got married. I thought it was a secret wedding thing but nope, everyone but me knew and most had been invited. I don't think I'd been excluded, I just hadn't been thought about. That stung. A lot.

[CallMeOnMyCell]

I’m the same as you OP and some days are really lonely. I stopped going to baby groups as they made me feel worse and I now only go to “structured” groups such as baby sensory and swimming lessons as I feel there’s less pressure to make friends if that makes sense!

[Mamamadecookies]

I tell you what I did find though - a good online forum (not this one) that was full of people who parented like me. I met a few people from there irl and although we've all drifted now, it acted as my sounding board and I owe those ladies a lot.

[DancingDownRain]

Oh, everyone thank you

It's not very nice to know that others experience(d) this, but it is oddly comforting.

While meeting new BFFs would have been great, I guess I'm just sad I didn't have anyone going through the same baby stages at the same time to share what nobody tells you can be a very lonely experience. I also feel a bit, well, daft for kind of expecting what now seems too much.

I'm in a town in Greater Manchester if anyone wants to awkwardly make a connection...

[DancingDownRain]

The NCT in my area either didn't bother running the course or it was already full. I did contact the person but didn't get a response. Maybe it's not a very NCT-ish area?

My main fear is, what if my DC doesn't make good friendships with other children because I didn't manage to be friends with their mums, so would they not think to include my DC because their diaries are already full?

[QueenOfMyWorld]

I didn't have any mum friends until ds went to Playgroup age 18 months

[Yonijust]

YANBU to not make friends. I never did, everyone seemed too busy. I was a lone parent from 7 months pregnant, no family either.
I used to imagine everyone going home to a partner or at least to talk to their mum on the phone.
I had to ring work colleagues when in an emergency with baby.

YABU to cry every day about people you dont know. But, Im sure thats the PND doing that.
You wont give a shit about those strangers that you never met when you are waving your DC off to school in a few years, but you WILL be pleased that you spent 9 months with your new best friend & no-one can ever take those memories.

I feel for you, Ive been there, but it will get better

[HamishTheTalkingCactus]

OP, once your child starts school, the influence parents have over their friendships decreases, until by secondary school age you aren't likely to know many/any of your child's friends parents.

As an ole gimmer mum to a teen, who made most of her "mummy" friends via forums, I'ld say that 1)people are so tired and/or possibly have PND etc themselves that their energies are taken up dealing with their baby and making new friends slips down the prioritiy list. 2)structured activities are that bit easier to get conversation going - swimming/library rhyme time etc. Massive stereotype, but IME found the council run groups tended to attract more outgoing people. 3)I found that the best parenting advice tended to come from the mums to large families - by child number 4, people aren't as insecure/competitive about the baby stage