Unannounced home visit regarding primary school

[Mommy234]

I have been a long time lurker on here so please help me out here.

My son is five years old and in year 1 of primary. He has been violent in school and has a tendency to run off if he is feeling frustrated with something.

The school has held meetings with me anf we have been trying to help him with expressing himself when frustrated or angry but each week I'm told he has done something again and it's getting him down being labelled naughty.

This week he has a trip and the only way he can go is if I accompany him on the trip otherwise they won't take him.

Today I had a unannounced home visit from the schools family support group and they made me feel like shit to be honest.
I was told something might be wrong with him and to take him to a gp in a really nasty way and asked if the issue could be he doesn't have a dad or the fact I'm young.
I'm not young but do look young and his dad is in the picture and really involved talks to them daily and comes to see them each month as he doesn't live in the same country. It came down to them saying they will be eventually putting him on reduced hours if nothing changes as they can't have violent children in school with nothing being done about it.

I took him to the GP and was told he seems like a normal five year old and as his behaviour at home is good and the issue i his behaviour at school it probably isn't a medical issue but still ordered a blood test.
At the end he told me to ask the school for a educational psychologist to assess my son in school.

My son is not violent at home or outside whenever he is with me and I feel a bit intimated with the unannounced house visits can they just do that? They wouldn't even make a appointment.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way it's making me anxious

I'd be more concerned with establishing the cause of your son's behaviour. Have you asked the school to make the ed psych referral?

In what way were they really nasty? You seem offended at the suggestion that he might have an underlying health issue.

Sometimes children can present differently in different settingssothat isn't unusual.Your child obviously needs extra support in school as he isn't coping well.You need to make an appointment with the SENCo and ask whether they have made a referral to the ed psych or the LA's own behavioural support team. If they so they haven't ask them why not and ask them to make that a priority. You can also ask them to note that you don't appreciate unannounced visits to your home and so in future they are to ring and make an appointment and as your child is five he is legally entitled to a full time education and so you will not be sanctioning any part time timetable and will treat any efforts to do so as an unauthorised exclusion and will be taking legal advice accordingly. Then you advise them that you will return to the GP and ask him to make a referral to a developmental paediatrician and CAMHS. You also need to put all this in writing so that you have a paper trail.
Your boy needs you to stay strong to get him the support he needs so keep your chin up and don't be intimidated.

It's my understanding that the school cannot say the A word to you, or even mention assessment. I do not understand why. But a child on the autism spectrum could function very well at home, or out and about with his mum, but struggle severely with the far more demanding and challenging environment of school.

I would put aside any feelings of embarrassment or offense, and ask them for an ed psych assessment. I doubt they're being judgemental.

I would also ask your GP to refer your ds for a hearing test. Children can mask hearing problems at home and with familiar people, because there is so much non-verbal communication going on. Again, in the challenging, noisier, less-tolerant-of-delay school environment, this can be missed. And if the child doesn't know that they can't hear, they can't tell anybody.

I think I felt defensive after they way they commented about his dad. But no I didn't mean to come over that way if he has a underlying medical issue ofcourse I would like to know.

The GP appointment was today as was the visit will be going to talk to school tommorow.

Are you the same person posting about your ex only seeing your kids a few times a year on anothe thread. I’m confused. Sorry if you are not the same person

No I'm not this my first post long time lurker

Thank you now I know what to do as I was feeling a bit lost.

Just put it all in writing and hand it to the SENCo. The school need to give your child the support he needs in school, you cannot do that from home particularly when he doesn't behave badly at home. Schools do like to blame parents first, it's par for the course I find and easier than addressing any difficulties. Don't let them make you feel bad, the school need to source advice and funding if they are unable to support your child from their own resources.You need to see the GP again though and ask for a referral to a paediatrician and CAMHS.

Definitely push for an Ed Psych assessment. I also second the idea of hearing checks and eye sight too.

My son struggled massively in his early years at school. He needed full time 1-1 virtually from Reception. Without this he was just unmanageable in the classroom. He was my only child so I didn’t have anything to compare him to. He is autistic with ADHD and is now 15 and doing well in a special school. My friends son is in mainstream with similar issues but doing well academically.

It’s worth getting an OT assessment and also a Speech andLanguage Therapyy assessment too. My son has a huge vocabulary but his level of actually understanding what is said to him is well below normal although dedicated SALT has helped this,

As far as unannounced home visits go I’ve never experienced it and I don’t like the idea of it, partly because I am chaotic and I hate visitors unannounced. I like time to make the place tidier.

Can you change his school? They don't seem particularly switched on regarding additional needs (if he has any) or behaviour management.

A good school should support a parent and work with them not just say 'right, this is your fault, so you sort it'.

YABU. The school cannot continue to deal with a violent child that runs off. That is not normal behaviour and you seem to be offended with the schools take on it.

Well Funsponges schools do have to deal with it believe it or not. If they don't have the knowledge or resources in school then they need to access outside support from either an ed psych or the behaviour support team.

The behaviour in school is likely to be because he is struggling to cope with something there. If they think he has something like autism, they won't usually mention it because they aren't qualified to diagnose a child.

Whatever happens in terms of assessments, the school should observing to work out what is triggering his disruptive behaviour and then putting support in place to help him cope. He doesn't need a diagnosis for that to happen.

An educational psychologist can observe him, identify any additional needs, make recommendations for support and contribute to any assessment/diagnostic discussions. The school will have to pay for this so they may be less than keen.

It is cheaper for them to exclude him part time (illegally if it is without your consent) than it is to pay for additional support and outside professionals to carry out assessments.

Don't let school try and blame you for his behaviour. If he is well behaved at home, and only difficult at school it is up to them to get to the bottom of it and put support in place. They need to be arranging an Ed psych assessment, and they can organise a referral to CAMHs or paediatrician (it varies by area) for an assessment - I'm pretty sure school nurses can refer, school can also write to your GP with their concerns and requesting a referral.

Also they are not allowed to insist on reduced hours, this counts as an unofficial exclusion which IS ILLEGAL. Again the onus is on them to put support in place to help him with his behaviour.

If they turn up at your home again without booking an appointment, I would be telling them it's not a convenient time and sending them away. They should do this either.

I wonder - I have seen children being wound up by other children - the perpetuator is some clever manipulative child who often figures a way to wind up another child usually one who is a little immature or vulnerable

oh dear. I think I would feel the same actually if people from the school turned up out of the blue & made those comments.
I had a problem with my DD at school, I think she was in the wrong setting actually, she is now grown up but I remember feeling scared at times with certain things that were said to me, 'social issues' was one of them(!) - our home life was nothing out of the ordinary but I think that sometimes schools look for reasons outside of themselves to explain why a child is behaving the way they are.

There is some excellent advice on here, the SENCO would be a good place to start and the EdPsych is another way forward as your GP suggested. It is a bit unusual that school staff turned up at your house though, I've never heard of that before.
It may be that after the assessments, you can make a decision as to whether this school is meeting your DS's needs.
It sounds like it is nothing to do with your DS's dad and his relationship sounds healthy, do you have any family around to help support you and him with the school?

How does he act when you don't let him do something?

I think the school should be making an appointment if they want to visit you at home. I would be making this clear to them and asking them to refer him to an educational pychologist for assessment.

I am surprised they turned up unannounced, seems a crazy use of resources, you may not have been home. Make it clear that any appointments need to be booked in advanced.

Sorry to hear that you felt judged, that really isn’t on.

Ed psych assessment is a good idea, however based on my personal experience, my local authority didn’t even have an Ed psych! It’s going back a few years, we paid for a private Ed psych, not cheap but it gave us some answers.

Good luck.

He sits in a corner to calm himself or counts to ten at home but in school he runs off or hides under a table until he feels better

A big thank you to everyone!

I now know how to move forward and feel more secure in helping my son deal with this situation.

This sounds really stressful OP :(

(If it was me, and blood tests all come back ok, I might switch schools and see if it makes a difference. I'm not sure others on here would agree, but sounds like you are not getting good vibes from the current school and are finding there communications stressful - maybe your DC does too)

Kids often hold it together at home and are stressed in school. That quite typical. And can also be reversed.

If your son isn’t violent and the school is talking about reducing hours, take it seriously that this is a significant problem.

Senco- have you met them? What is their plan of action? What strategies do they have in place for your son? What do they see as the triggers for him and what are they doing about it? Ask for evidence, observations.

At home- does he eat/sleep well? Does he have a good routine with you? Does he play with toys, share, tall well? Is he toilet trained? Do you have play dates with other kids and how do they go? Does he have much screen time?

Dad- sounds tricky!

Parenting courses, usually free and usually pretty good. Maybe worth investigating?

Good luck

I think you are right to be upset that they didn't make an appointment with you. I would ask them (calmly!) to make an appointment in the future. I would imagine you felt ambushed and unprepared, which is not fair as the conversation is obviously difficult and emotional for you. From their perspective it seems odd that they didn't make an appointment for two reasons - firstly because you may not have been home - what a waste of resources! - and two because if you had been able to prepare for the visit it probably would have been more useful for everyone concerned.

Definitely pursue the Ed Psych assessment and be aware that if there is no medical reason for your son's behaviour, the school are likely to proceed down the behavioural issue route which could lead to exclusion so try to work with the school as much as you can. Try to remain calm. And be (calmly) assertive about ensuring that all routes to obtain your son the support he needs are explored and put in place consistently by the school.

This does sound pretty heavy-handed from the school. How awful to judge you like that, no wonder you were insulted. You don't sound like an 'in denial' parent either. What impression do you get of their SEN and pastoral policies? My first thought is it just might not be the right school for him...