Unannounced home visit regarding primary school

[Mommy234]

I have been a long time lurker on here so please help me out here.

My son is five years old and in year 1 of primary. He has been violent in school and has a tendency to run off if he is feeling frustrated with something.

The school has held meetings with me anf we have been trying to help him with expressing himself when frustrated or angry but each week I'm told he has done something again and it's getting him down being labelled naughty.

This week he has a trip and the only way he can go is if I accompany him on the trip otherwise they won't take him.

Today I had a unannounced home visit from the schools family support group and they made me feel like shit to be honest.
I was told something might be wrong with him and to take him to a gp in a really nasty way and asked if the issue could be he doesn't have a dad or the fact I'm young.
I'm not young but do look young and his dad is in the picture and really involved talks to them daily and comes to see them each month as he doesn't live in the same country. It came down to them saying they will be eventually putting him on reduced hours if nothing changes as they can't have violent children in school with nothing being done about it.

I took him to the GP and was told he seems like a normal five year old and as his behaviour at home is good and the issue i his behaviour at school it probably isn't a medical issue but still ordered a blood test.
At the end he told me to ask the school for a educational psychologist to assess my son in school.

My son is not violent at home or outside whenever he is with me and I feel a bit intimated with the unannounced house visits can they just do that? They wouldn't even make a appointment.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way it's making me anxious

I'm not surprised you feel a bit judged if they turned up at your house and made comments about his dad and your age. I'm sure it wasn't meant to be judgemental but I can see how it would feel that way.

Be clear that you'd like some help and and an assessment. Is it worth keeping a diary of behaviour at home and school? I always found that having dates/times logged down helped (I also had to deal with some school-home issues for very different reasons) I keep notes from all appointments so I can refer back and so they can see I'm organised and on top of things.

This is a really emotive subject, but just because they asked questions about the other people in his life and try to find out what happens at home, it doesn't mean they are judging you, they're trying to work out if there's a root cause for his anger. If he is being violent to other children they can't let it continue, and the best thing all round is if your son gets the support he needs. Seeing the ed psych is the best thing at this stage as well as the SENCO at the school. This isn't about judgement is about getting the right support in place. Good luck

You have been given really good advice about the educational physiologist and the SENCO. I can see how easy it would be to feel judged but getting an accurate picture of what home life is like and what the family dynamics are is really important in trying to work out how to move forward for the best.
If his behaviour is at the level that they can't take him on a school trip without you then it sounds quite severe, maybe they were concerned that you hadn't understood how unusual this was.
Ask them to make an appointment with you next time so you can prepare and make sure you are in. I am assuming they have your mobile number etc for getting in contact with you easily.

Forgive me if this sounds patronising, but do you have a good friend with beautiful received pronunciation you could call on to help out? You do need the school SENco and an edpysch on board too. Professionals/teachers will more easily accept suggestions from people who look and sound as if they have the system licked, and are much keener to please such people, because they assume they know their way around and can make trouble if the outcome isn't spot on.

For example, my health centre is more receptive to my interventions and requests than to certain friends, whom they dismiss as malingerers.

I would get really annoyed about unannounced home visits - that's just not needed or fair on parents really. I get narked enough when I get the odd "we're coming to your house on X date to discuss Y" one (part of me wants to rephrase it into "is it OK for us to come to your house on X to discuss Y?") because of DD2's various issues.

It sounds like school are angling to try to get him off the roll as much as possible though - so I would be starting to take some advice from the various SN support organisations around the internet (look on the SN boards here for some people who know their stuff) so you're informed in case they do start trying to put things like reduced timetables onto you (which they're on pretty dicey ground to do legally) and I'd be looking into what your alternative options are among the other schools in the local area.

Sadly there's a distinct element of making judgements and assumptions about parents when SN comes into the equation - I've had to sit through condescending lectures about talking to your child (mine has speech problems among other issues) and then when they've found out I'm a teacher by profession the tone has suddenly changed completely and they've shifted from their default position of assuming parents are idiots and a bit shit instantly.

I don't know what area you're in but round here there's a form that schools can fill in, which is basically a concern form and will make horrible reading for you (I bawled my eyes out - I've bawled my eyes out at every referral and form they've filled in for my kid, despite rationally knowing they're presenting the worst case scenario and painting a bleak picture for a reason) that you can then take to the GP which tells them what's going on and presenting with problems in school and GPs tend to take things much more seriously if you go in armed with that (in our area it's the "All About Me" form and the "concerning behaviours pathway") - the advice I was given was a) keep a copy, and b) sit there in the GP appointment while they actually read it.

Also the advice given to start keeping a record of incidents is a very good one - as is the advice to do it so you look intimidatingly organised and on the case for being taken seriously in future appointments. I am an utter sod for this - I walked into appointments with a nice log of observations I'd had about DD2 and dates I'd noticed these (her issues are mainly related to dyspraxia so for us it was things like "still cannot do stairs on alternate feet - date" and the like) printed out and handed to them for their records... and then I had all the appointment letters and reports stored digitally on my tablet so I would just sit there and pull out the relevant file and you could see their faces going "oh fuck - better make sure we're OK with this one". I also had a spreadsheet of which organisations we were dealing with, date of last appointment, how long they'd said they'd leave it before our next one, and a date to start chasing things up/stalking the postman! I'd say about 80% of navigating the SEN maze is giving out the right aura that you're not going to get disheartened and be fobbed off and give up!

Also, and they're much quieter than on here, but also much more tolerant and clued up about these things - go onto the special needs boards here. Even if you've not got any diagnosis and it's just at the point of concerns being raised - I think you need some support to be able to deal with the school and their plans to reduce timetables down etc and the legalities behind that.

SteakBake's advice is better than mine.....

No way should the school be visiting you unannounced.

I work with children the same age with SEN and/or difficult behaviour. There are no circumstances where I would invite myself to someones house unannounced, there aren't many circumstances I'd even ask for a home visit with notice - home visits are inconvenient and without the child there don't actually achieve anything that I couldn't do by asking the parents to come in, with child at home yes, it might give me an opportunity to see them in a setting they are more comfortable in but not if I've turned up unannounced, because that could make them uncomfortable. I cannot insist on a home visit, I can suggest it would be helpful but if a parent says no there is nothing I can do about it.

There may be something up, I've known children who are absolutely fine at home but are overwhelmed by school because it is all very busy and loud and there are lots of rules, they have to fit to a timetable etc, but that is something you would very gently suggest. It could equally be something up with the school. It sounds from your post like the support team didn't even really know much about you or your situation.

As PP's have said the school cannot insist on reduced hours, they can suggest to you it might be an option but you can say no, they can call you if his behaviour is out of control but this has to be an official exclusion.

I would contact the SENCO and the headteacher, unannounced visits are not on and they need to be providing your son with somewhere safe to go if he is frustrated and looking at getting him support/strategies in place. They are right they can't have a child being violent in school with nothing being done about it, but they need to be doing something about it too, the issue is in school so unless you are secretly wonder woman you actually cant fix it on your own!

Any school should be putting in place strategies designed to make a positive difference to his behaviour. They should have a plan for what to do when he becomes distressed. There could be some really simple things they could try, such as giving him a quiet place to go to, some TA support at those times, a walk round the playground with an adult, a reward chart, positive reinforcement, catching him being good, proximity praise etc. I’m saying this because any referral to BehViour Support or the EP can’t take place until some strategies have been put in place and reviewed.

Go and talk to the SENCo and see if you can encourage them to put a plan in place. Make it clear that you want to work with them and tell them how to deal with unwanted behaviour at home.

It is, in my opinion, unfair and wrong of them to send someone to your house unannounced and to threaten a reduced timetable unless they have tried something themselves. Ask them what they have tried. Ultimately, if they won’t do anything to support your son, I’d look at alternative schools.

I understand why you'd feel a bit ambushed but I'd focus on your son being so distressed and harming others. Why do you think he's struggling so much? GP's are notoriously bad at spotting high functioning autism.

The unannounced visit makes me think they don't think you're engaging? Otherwise it would have made more sense to arrange it with you!

I would be going back to GP personally. Ask school for Ed psych.

What is currently in place? Is he on the SEN register?

If they are suggesting part time, they must be desperate. That should only be a short term measure with your agreement. It may be to prevent exclusion though and to keep others safe.

I would hate an unannounced visit from school. I was fine with the reception home visit as they made an appointment. Now that they've seen you on an unannounced visit and seen what they wanted to see, can you ask if they will make appointments in future?

Are you ok? I bet you're feeling overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated and in a bit of head spin? I've been where you are and it's not a nice place to be. School don't sound great if they are putting it on to you?

I agree with everything Fleshmarketclose says above. You do need some support from special needs groups. Do not accept or agree to a part-time timetable - you don't have to. The woman who visited you was not part of the school I assume but a Family Support Worker (essentially someone who works in social services). What is your attendance at school like, are you punctual - it is perfectly acceptable to politely state that you would like any services to make an appointment before visiting your home in the future.

People keep talking about an ed psch assessment - what you actually need is the GP to make a paedatrician appointment for your son to see whether he might have autism or ADHD (its not a bad thing to have either, its just a thing but it might get more understanding from the school as to why he exhibits the behaviours he does)..