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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to give gifts to CF MIL and SIL

39 replies

SailorBean · 15/10/2018 12:55

This is my first ever post (though I’ve stalked AIBU for a while now) but finally cracked as I need a rant and some advice. I’ll try my best not to drip feed so this might be a long CF ride...

I know it might be a bit early for some to discuss Christmas and start planning presents but my partner and I have recently become parents for the first time this past September so we’re wanting to get ahead of things. All fine and good.

Then on Friday things took a turn for the CF. MIL and SIL decided they wouldn’t buy DD a present postbirth and instead opted to buy me an experience, something lovely where I could be pampered (at their instance that I needed it). All fine and good as I wasn’t expecting anything postbirth for either DD or myself. It wasn’t until we arrived at the place that I realised all was not well, it was one of those photo shoot deals where they throw in hair and makeup and you’re expected to spend X after the fact. Not great when you’re on maternity leave and DP’s last wage was rinsed by paternity leave...MIL then insisted that we go ahead and have our family photos taken and she would spend £150 on whatever we wanted. Once we were at the viewing stage MIL dropped the bombshell that the £150 was the sum of our family Christmas money meaning we wouldn’t be receiving anything this year. She had paid a £10 deposit for the voucher and that was my treat, the photos we hadn’t really wanted were for Christmas...and we’d have to pay the other £100 to comply with the terms of the deal.

I could move past that if it wasn’t for the fact that this would be the 2nd Christmas in a row where we would go without Christmas presents from MIL as the previous year she had insisted she would use the money to buy trips for a family holiday which DP and I had to drop out of last minute due to pregnancy complications. She hasn’t mentioned the money since.

SIL is a similar type of CF, though she and her DH work full time with no children she constantly contacts my DP to ‘lend’ her money as she’s over spent (on holidays and her 3rd new car in 2 years) which is causing tension between herself and DP...spurred on by the fact last Christmas we, like civilised adults, decided on a £70 limit for presents which we promptly bought SIL and BIL a fancy coffee maker she’d asked for. She in return sent us something which never arrived and had no tracking information and, quite honestly, didn’t exist.

So here is my predicament: AIBU to just stop buying for them? DP’s dad is lovely and would still buy his whiskey as normal but the rest of them would get a lovely Christmas card and sweet FA.

(I am expecting to get flamed for being petty and juvenile about presents and money but in all honesty this is just the cherry on a shit sundae with DP’s family)

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 15/10/2018 12:58

Did you go ahead and pay £100 for the photos?

I wouldn’t get them anything either. Tell SIL gift is in the post like hers to you was.

Whisky2014 · 15/10/2018 13:00

I kinda think YABU. You can't dictate what gift is given to you and if mil wants to spend it on x,y or z you should just accept it. It wasn't their fault about your pregnancy complucations either.

And as for all...just stop lending her money.
Going forward i wouod just say "lets not do any gifts from now on". Problem solved and saving the environment too :)

MrsStrowman · 15/10/2018 13:00

Just say from now on your only doing gifts for children

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 15/10/2018 13:01

No YANBU.

Christmas is hugely over rated for adults

AhhhhThatsBass · 15/10/2018 13:03

YANBU. They sound like assholes. Say that with you being on mat leave and finances being tight that you won’t be doing gifts this year so wouldn’t want them to fork out either.

ShalomJackie · 15/10/2018 13:03

Whisky - you do realise MIL only part paid for the gift and the poster was expected to put £100 in herself.

Yes - stop buying or give them a discount code for something they'd like and say I am treating you to the discount and you can pay the rest!

Daftasabroom · 15/10/2018 13:04

Send them the €100 photos you don't want

WerewolfNumber1 · 15/10/2018 13:05

I’d announce that you’ve decided not to do Christmas present exchanges for adults any more (you can say times are tight now you’re on mat leave).

And definitely stop “lending” money.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 15/10/2018 13:05

What does your dp say about all this? I mean it’s his mum saying she really won’t buy her own grandchild a Christmas present?! (Wild horses couldn’t stop mine from buying an entire toy shop)

And What did he say when he realised he had to stump up £100 for your present?

And what does he say about his sister constantly borrowing money off him?

I mean no yanbu but it’s his family and you need to stand together. Does he feel the same way?

Whisky2014 · 15/10/2018 13:05

Ah right no I didn't see that. I wouldn't have paid.

I'd still go with "no gifts from now on"

MulticolourMophead · 15/10/2018 13:07

Ok, I get where a previous poster is coming from in saying you cant dictate the gift, but if the gift is obliging you to spend way more than the amount from the giver, it isn't a gift at all and you can certainly say something about it.

Aprilislonggone · 15/10/2018 13:07

If you did get the pics op, take some photos of it. Have them printed off at Tesco and frame one (£1 shop frames) each for mil and sil. Job done.
Whisky for fil as usual.
Sounds like he needs /deserves a glass or 2!!

Jamiefraserskilt · 15/10/2018 13:08

Refuse the photos. It is not pampering to have a ton of makeup on and hair out of Dallas. Forget her offer of 150 as you cannot afford to spend the other 100.
Thanks but a gift is supposed to be a gift not involving a contribution you cannot afford for something you do not want.
Stop loaning money you haven't got to his entitled sister. She is old enough to manage her own budget.
Switch to gifts for kids and sneak the bottle to fil.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 15/10/2018 13:10

If you did get the pics op, take some photos of it. Have them printed off at Tesco and frame one (£1 shop frames) each for mil and sil. Job done.

This. This is the kind of justified pettiness that I indulge in!

Didiusfalco · 15/10/2018 13:11

I think I would go generic and cheaper, so bottle of whiskey for fil, plus Christmas coffee and jam addressed to both. Similar for sil, a bottle of wine or spirits for her and her partner.

Although I do like the passive aggressive option of sends them the photos too.

lifecouldbeadream · 15/10/2018 13:13

YANBU. Just say you think as you are all clearly on a budget that better not to buy for adults. And then don’t. No further discussion. Not in a million years would I buy something for someone that they needed to contribute to......

eddielizzard · 15/10/2018 13:18

Give them each one of the photos and give your FIL 2 bottles of whisky. He's going to need it given the rants he'll have to endure.

Shiklah · 15/10/2018 13:24

My DB lost 2 presents in the post so now I just laugh in his face and "Sorry but you know what the mail is like"
I'd sign off on the wife work now and leave it to DH to sort the PIL. Tell them so, and just leave it to him. Don't ask.

My MIL complained last year that DH had bought his diabetic dad chocolates and her a plant that was half dead. I think they expected an apology, instead I told them about the appalling gifts he'd got me over the years and suggested they ask him for money instead, like they have given my DC every xmas and birthday since they were born.

That shut them up and I don't get wound up.

Ariela · 15/10/2018 13:36

Do the same back to them: take baby to a photographer for some family shots, buy your own, and give them a copy of the proofs to pick their own (and pay for it themselves) at Christmas.

spanishwife · 15/10/2018 13:44

Another one for giving the photos back to them for their xmas presents in a cheapo frame since "they wanted the photos taken so much"

E20mom · 15/10/2018 13:46

Yes yes yes, give your MIL the photos for Xmas!

EK36 · 15/10/2018 13:51

Simple..don't pay the £100. Just say sorry we can't afford it. What can she say to that?! If she invites you out for another treat then politely decline.

CSIblonde · 15/10/2018 13:54

It's not a gift if you had to stump up £100! She's gifting only what she would like, not what you'd like, which isn't thoughtful at all IMO. As pp's have said, no presents for adults since things are tight. And your SIL needs telling you aren't funding her luxury lifestlye. Just say things are tight now we have a baby.

EK36 · 15/10/2018 13:55

We don't buy presents for adults..children only. It's great.

TheOneWith · 15/10/2018 13:59

So do MIL and FIL buy you both Christmas gifts separately?

Cos I’m not quite sure why MIL is getting it in the neck and FIL still gets his whiskey?

I take it FIL goes out and shops, purchases and wraps beautiful thoughtful presents for you both?